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Struggling and can't stop crying


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Hi everyone

I'm really sorry, I just can't cope right now.

This has been such a long week. I keep worrying about everything and I just can't seem to stop crying. I'm worrying and ruminating all the time at work and don't know how to turn to for help. My colleagues have been very supportive but I've had to leave the floor several times to go and have a cry and I'm just anxiously pacing up and down. 

I keep thinking everything I'm doing is wrong. I keep thinking I'm not allowed to write this fanfiction for that show, I keep ruminating over issues presented in television shows, if it's okay to write a romance between these characters or to do this or do that. I'm just so confused and I can't cope anymore. There was an event shift at work last night and I was doing my best to be a good employee but we kept getting lots of conflicting information and the events manager rebuked me for assisting some visitors out of the building despite my getting permission for it; I was told the client wasn't happy, among other things and felt so stupid and inadequate; I wanted to throw myself off a bridge. It was a very brief feeling, but it just made me feel so low.  

This has been my life for the past nine years. I have been ruminative and upset and trying to figure out if things are wrong or right and I know I shouldn't but I'm so worrisome and uncertain all of the time. I know it's just because I care but I feel like I care too much and feel like I'm forbidding myself from doing things and on the side, watching life pass me by and too scared to do anything in case it's a sin. I've been trying to get better but I feel I keep failing. If this is my future, I don't want it. I'm not happy and I wonder if it's best to end it now, to save disappointment in the future because I feel like I'm not even supposed to be here and I'm not allowed to enjoy anything because God makes it so. I've been carrying out all sorts of toxic thought-processes in my head to try and cope and everything hurts. I don't even think I can face work tomorrow. My favourite television show is coming back tomorrow and I can't even bring myself to be excited.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I feel like there's a constant bully on my back and I don't know how to cope.

C. 

 

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Hi, Cub. Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with this at the moment. If you do not have some medical help for this at the moment, make sure you make a GP appointment. Remember if you are feeling suicidal, there are helplines you can talk to to get support quicker than a GP appointment. https://www.samaritans.org This is here if you need it. 

Since you are having trouble with thoughts surrounding your faith, would talking to a pastor or a chaplain help you? They can perhaps answer religion specific questions - not in a reassurance seeking way, just helping you work out your thoughts on the matter. My mum brought me to talk to our local minister (even though I rarely attended church) when my OCD was really bad in high school and it helped a great deal in understanding more. :) 

Regarding your worries about God, I encourage you to consider these questions: 

  • How do you understand sin? How do you define it? 
  • What evidence do you have that the things you do are sinful? 
  • What evidence do you have that the things you do are not sinful? 
  • Is it okay to live life with sin? Isn't the key message of the Bible that we are already forgiven for our sins? 

I wouldn't normally quote the Bible except that you mentioned your faith being important to you and I just wanted to offer one more thought:  there's a lovely passage in John 10 where Jesus is talking about a flock of sheep - an analogy for the believer - and says: 'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.'  This, to me, sounds as though we are allowed to enjoy ourselves. :) 

At the end of the day, you will get through this and we're all here to help you. Don't give up - OCD can be beaten. 

 

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Hey Cub,

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I echo everyone else who has responded and really encourage you to get help if you aren't already. Just know that you are not alone, most of us here have felt this way at one point or another. As bad as it may feel, you can overcome this.

Faith can be a beautiful and powerful thing, but I think that OCD can twist it because religion is also full of rules and threats of damnation. This rigidity is something that OCD can cling to and can distort your faith into fear. I admit that I'm not particularly religious but I do believe in God and my belief is that he is smart enough to know who we truly are and that there is room for transgressions and mistakes because religion also promises us forgiveness. I think your problem is that you're seeing the trees, but not the forest. I believe that these transgressions that we make or sins that we commit are just details in the overall picture of our lives and they are mixed in with all of the good things that we do as well. In the end it all balances out. You will make mistakes, you will commit sins and then you will learn from them, become a better person and do good things. But you will never have a chance to learn or to better yourself if you are too scared to even try. 

Same goes for your job - we all make mistakes! You can't always do things right and you can't make everyone happy. So what if your boss rebuked you? It happens, you don't have to learn to be perfect, you have to learn to not beat yourself up over mistakes. I think that if you believe you're trying to do a good job and believe that you're doing the right thing, you can't be mad at yourself for making a mistake because you were working with the information you had at that time. Now you know that the information wasn't right or you misunderstood, so you try to use that to do a better job next time and that is all you can do. 

Stay strong Cub! You can do this!!

 

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Thankyou, everyone. I will respond properly tomorrow but just to say, I appreciate your kind words. I've been an anxious mess over the past few days and not very comfortable, but hopefully I can sort it out. I know I need to feel the fear and do it anyway, but things have been tough.

Gah. Speak soon and thans again.

C x

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Hi all, once again

Thankyou for the help and advice given at a difficult time. It's been a hell of a week and I've been anxious, but the truth is now, I'm feeling kind of scared.

I know I have to look after myself and I totally hear what everybody is saying about support and Jesus. I'm trying to be really, really brave and take a step back but I'm terrified. It sounds silly but I'm scared of feeling okay again, because I am so frightened I'll do something to wreck it. I just feel so, so frightened because being okay and feeling calm are both totally alien feelings to me and I've been so used to being under mental pressure. I know that sounds mad and things just feel like they've reached a head because I've been struggling at work so much and I know a change needs to be made. But I'm so terrified of looking through a different lens. I fear I've come to lean on the familiarity of the doubt and guilt and anxiety.

Last night, I took what felt like a brave step and started doing things I've not been sure about, according to the conscience and with the belief that Jesus would still love me. I've been so confused for so long and it's felt like a half-life. I don't want to kid myself and say I'm instantly cured; I feel a bit more confident but this all feels a bit sudden. I've been so used to worrying away the day at work (which is why I need a new job as it's not good for me to be left alone with my thoughts all day) and I've started to recognise the unhelpful thought patterns; obsessing over a scenario, or a point, over and over again to try and force it to make sense. The physical aspects - constantly pacing, neck-cricks and anxious tum-tum - are all part of it. Consequently, I'm trying to change my thought patterns and seek a distraction by thinking about something else. Trouble is, I still feel tense and got a pain in my lower back trying to keep myself together. It's just felt like there's been cling-film around my head for so long and it's finally coming off. 

Is this normal? I've just been so unhappy for so long; last night, I was lying paralysed in bed at the concept of an empty, calm head (which is why I often read on my Kindle to help me drift off and as a distraction). I'm just so scared of myself right now and feel like I need a hand to hold; I'm kind of frightened. 

Can anyone advise me on this aspect of recovery? I just want to feel safe. I'm grateful to you all for your intercession.

C x 

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