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Since I posted. 

I've been doing well, had a few hiccups but they don't seem to last as long and I've been able to pick myself up and keep going.

The last day or two has been rough though. 

Cant seem to get out of the rut and I feel like it's falling on top of me again. 

With the one burning question (s) - 

Does testing yourself in ocd happen and can it leave you feeling as though in that moment you were able to take a risk or get close to acting out your fear? 

I keep going back to one point in my rumination and worry, a point where I found myself testing a second time weather I could speak under a breath, I found myself mouthing and freaked out a little because I heard the slightest sound. 

I'm fed up of it coming back to make me feel guilty. 

I don't remember why or choosing to do it, I just remember it happening and at the time thinking woah what am I doing. 

Whatever was happening at the time it didn't spike me up and I was able to work out that nothing had happened, but now it's like "are you sure? What if you did something" 

I am fed up with false memory and just feeling so much doubt and guilt. 

Please can anyone help me out, can you feel like you need to test your fear? 

I read about someone picking up a knife to see if they would harm themself and then without thinking they brought the knife up towards themself and freaked out once they realised what they were doing. 

I feel like that's what I did, I realised I was mouthing again (my fear is to say something under my breath that I don't want to say to god) 

I feel like I found myself mouthing and panicked when I realised it was happening, like they did with the movements with a knife. 

I hope this happens in ocd. 

I've been working hard at all this and set backs make me feel so bad :(

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Hi there! Sorry to hear you're having a hard time with this! 

I think the most helpful thing to remember here is the common forum adage: if you think it's OCD, it probably is. :) 

And isn't testing your fear part of what we do in exposure therapy? Do the thing that scares you and sit with the anxiety it might bring and allow it to fade. Remember though, if you feel you have engaged in a compulsion instead, a set back is not the end of the world. Acknowledge it happened and remind yourself that you do not have to be certain about anything - it is okay to feel the doubt. 

Incidentally, what do you feel will happen if you say something aloud that you don't want to say to God? What is it you are worried you might say? Could you challenge yourself and say it aloud and sit with the anxious feeling it brings? You might find that the anxiety actually fades away. That way you might not feel you have to avoid saying things out loud, or checking you can say things silently. :) 

You'll get through this! 

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Hi, this has gone on for years 

I've had numerous rounds of cbt 

My fear is based on a line in the bible about not being forgiven, so it's latched onto it in the most literal way 

It's my worst ocd, one I've never been able to shake for the past nearly 10 years, it's ruined my life

I've been doing alot better but I have these dips, less often than I used to but still It comes back to get me

I just keep reliving this one day 

When it hit me with "what if you said it" etc and I did not want to, have never wanted to, but it's almost like the moment I had abit of confidence that I wouldn't ever do that, ocd found a way to make me doubt myself. 

I feel like as the thoughts were flying in, I engaged in them rather than ignore, which normally I'd try to do

I decided to try and prove to myself? Or to ocd? That I wouldn't do it, and it's ended up messing me up more and making me question why and what happened etc. 

I know I have no desire to do it but it's making me question my every motive and reason for what I did that moment. 

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It's good to hear you've had some relief for a while. 

After a hiatus, you came back and asked the same sort of questions you asked dozens upon dozens of times before. You are looking for reassurance. It didn't work back then and it won't work now.

No answer to your questions will make the thoughts go away. That is a simple truth. Answers to your questions don't matter.

What matters is that you put your foot down, right now, and refuse to engage with the thoughts. Refuse to try and answer the questions. Refuse to go over in your mind what happened years ago.

 

Edited by PolarBear
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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

It's good to hear you've had some relief for a while. 

After a hiatus, you came back and asked the same sort of questions you asked dozens upon dozens of times before. You are looking for reassurance. It didn't work back then and it won't work now.

No answer to your questions will make the thoughts go away. That is a simple truth. Answers to your questions don't matter.

What matters is that you put your foot down, right now, and refuse to engage with the thoughts. Refuse to try and answer the questions. Refuse to go over in your mind what happened years ago.

 

I did that, but it still returns! 

And its just one part that keeps it alive for me, and I wanna know if testing is typical :(

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I'm NOT going to answer your question and I hope no one else does. I really hope we don't go back to you asking the same questions everyday.

It doesn't matter what happened years ago. It was a non- event. It's all based on an irrational fear.

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No. I'm not going to. It's pointless. You will not find peace by exploring these questions again. You've been doing that for years and where has it got you? Nowhere.

Neither I, nor anyone else, can definitively say that OCD had anything to do with what allegedly took place years ago. Can't do it, no matter how many times you try and explain it.

I do know that OCD latched onto that one, trivial moment and blew its importance all out of proportion. You fell for it and you have been doing the same rituals ever since. That is OCD. That we can help you with, if you let us.

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Hey,

It's good to hear that you were feeling better for a while! I personally think that you are not going to find peace until you stop trying to find an answer to this question. Instead of trying to figure it out, you need to do the exact opposite. You need to accept that maybe you won't have an answer. 

Your question is: Does testing yourself in ocd happen and can it leave you feeling as though in that moment you were able to take a risk or get close to acting out your fear?

The answer: it doesn't matter whether in that moment you were able to take the risk or get close to acting on your fear. Maybe you were, maybe you were not. The fact is that you can't go back in time and find a definite answer. 

Trust me, this past year in therapy and on this forum has really taught me this lesson, you just have to let go. The more you dig for the answer, the longer you will stay miserable. 

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I don't find it helpful, im on here looking for advice around ocd and for me not to be able to discuss ocd or have insight into it is pointless! 

I have an ocd obsession yes, I'm wanting to understand it more but for someone to say it might not be isn't helpful atall! 

I just want to hear from other sufferers, not people who say who cares if it's ocd and no I'm not gonna discuss ocd. It's an ocd forum.

I understand reassure seeking is no good. 

But to never have any advice given other than "stop asking" "who knows" "nobody answer" what's the point of being in this community? 

If I go to therapy they don't say to me no we aren't discussing your illness...they try to help me understand and accept it. 

I can't begin to accept it if someone says oh well nobody can tell u if it's ocd. 

The key is to accept its ocd and recover... To not know isn't helpful in any way. 

I've been managing It alot more but it seems when I reach out during a blip instead of support its more like go away and nobody here is gonna advise you. 

So I can't be bothered anymore! 

The only thing that keeps me going and gives me hope is hearing others stories and feeling less alone, and I begin to see its ocd, but this isn't helpful. 

Nothing is worse than being told to let it go and whatever. It's very important to me and I can't let it go. I want to understand how ocd works and not beat myself up for its behaviour. 

Had enough of this, I feel awful and then I come here for some help and feel worse! 

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3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I'm NOT going to answer your question and I hope no one else does. I really hope we don't go back to you asking the same questions everyday.

It doesn't matter what happened years ago. It was a non- event. It's all based on an irrational fear.

This isn't helpful.  It seems to be the ocd forums run by one person telling me not to ask anything. Why would anyone use a forum other than to ask questions? Ergh! 

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4 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I wanna know if testing is typical :(

Hi O/S,

It can be, yes.

OCD will latch onto things that are most important to us, so with you, it has become like a superstition regarding aspects of your faith.

 

 

 

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53 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

This isn't helpful.  It seems to be the ocd forums run by one person telling me not to ask anything. Why would anyone use a forum other than to ask questions? Ergh! 

I understand your frustration. What of a person who asks the same question a hundred times and keeps coming back, asking the same thing, over and over?

You have had your questions answered multiple times, by multiple people. But it's never enough. Because you are stuck in a loop... a loop I know all too well.

Your problem is not that you may have uttered some words years ago. Your problem is that OCD has latched onto that possibility, created a huge deal out of nothing and you prolong the affair by doing compulsions.

Neither I nor anyone else is here to debate with you endlessly about a minor utterance from years ago. We are here to teach you how to overcome your real problem.

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Sufferer, I’m really sorry that you’ve been made to feel unwelcome or unsupported. I think that people are genuinely trying to help you, but that our lines are getting crossed. I think the issue isn’t you asking questions about OCD, it’s that you have been asking the exact same question for a very long time and have gotten responses, I know that I have personally tried to answer your question and explain from my own experience. Yet those responses are not enough and you come back with the same question. At some point this behaviour in itself is driven by OCD and people come to the conclusion that trying to answer that question isn’t really helpful because you’ll still not be satisfied. So the next step is to tell you that you have gotten answers but maybe now you have to move on.

why do you think that you hate getting this response? It’s because OCD won’t allow you to let it go. OCD is forcing you to constantly ask whether you were close to acting or not. If you keep allowing this to happen you will keep being unhappy, that is just how it is. 

I’m sorry if this makes you upset and it’s not the answer you wanted. I just want to be helpful because I can see how much you’re suffering but I don’t think I can be helpful by being dishonest and not saying what I really think about your problem. 

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2 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Thank you, I only keep asking because I just wanted someone to answer the direct question, does ocd drive a person to test or come close to their fear, that's what's annoying me, I am always worried that I'm different. 

Ok the direct answer is: yes it does, that is exactly what OCD does.

so now that you have an answer, so you think you can work on moving on and letting this go?

the worry that you are different is also very typical in OCD, I’ve felt it for myself and seen it a lot on this forum too. This is exactly why you shouldn’t keep asking the question, because it will always lead to another question. I have just told you that OCD does make you test, but then maybe next you’ll need to hear how that testing feels for other sufferers and everyone could share their stories with you and then you’ll need to make sure whether or not you can relate or if yours feels different. That is just an example of how this could go but that is the general pattern, you need an answer and when you get it you’re not convinced that it applies to you so you have to keep digging and asking and every single time it’ll create a feeling of doubt, that you are still different and it’ll go on for years.

that is why people are telling you to stop, I really hope that you can see that. 

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Yes I do see that, I understand there's no end and the more you delve the more it creates problems. However if I'm able to grasp it then I don't feel the need to delve further. That's how I've been coping, blocking it. 

It's difficult because when you see something you fear and wouldn't want to ever do, then the ocd drives you close it really makes you question yourself, I don't know how an illness can make you feel so so so bad of a person it's insane. 

Thank you for your help. 

 

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16 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Yes I do see that, I understand there's no end and the more you delve the more it creates problems. However if I'm able to grasp it then I don't feel the need to delve further. That's how I've been coping, blocking it. 

I can understand how this strategy may seem helpful to you, but in the long run it isn’t. In the end, having the answer and then blocking will work temporarily, but eventually you will still need answers for new things and then you’ll need to keep blocking. That is why the answer is to learn to let go, because then you won’t need answers for anything at all. 
 

believe me I know how hard this is and it’s easier said than done! At least for the time being so you think you could try to at least see things from this perspective? Because if other sufferers are telling you that a certain path is the right one, surely that must have some merit

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2 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I don't know how an illness can make you feel so so so bad of a person it's insane. 


It’s normal human curiosity to wonder how, but really how is not important right now. 
It’s like being inside a burning building, how the fire got started isn’t particularly important, what’s important is getting out! Same for OCD, how it works is a question best left to researchers, doctors, etc. Even when we know how something happens that doesn’t mean we can cure it. We know how diabetes happens, we know how AIDS works, still we struggle to fix the problem. Hopefully someday we’ll solve those and OCD too, but in the meantime we have ways to deal with it (CBT, medication) that, while not perfect, are pretty good and what else are ya gonna do?

OCD does what it does, for whatever reason. If ruminating and analyzing and “getting” it was the answer we’d all have been cured a long time ago. After all who is better at ruminating than an OCD sufferer?

You have OCD, and that means how you feel and how you think is affected, the same way how I breathe is affected by my asthma. It sucks but it is what it is.  If you want to get back control of your life you have to work at doing the things that help and not doing the things that don’t. It takes time and practice and isn’t much fun, but what other choice is there? 
 

One last piece of advice/information.  You feel fear, that feeling is real, you can’t have a fake feeling.  BUT, and this is important, feeling fear doesn’t mean what you fear is a real threat.  You can be terrified yet be totally safe. Fear doesn’t create danger, no matter how strong that fear is.

 

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