help me please: hocd or denial

[bobecek]

Hi!
I need your help. I'm a 19 year old girl which identifies as heterosexual.
Last three months were really stressful for me. Like a lot, for lots of reasons - health, family, relationships,.. won't explain into detail.
A month ago I went to a ball. My best friend broke up with his gf. I found out because I saw him kissing a different girl and I was so shocked. Then I saw his now ex crying. I went up to her, hugged and told her that if she needed to talk I'm here. I also told some people about the breakup, I found it quite shocking.
I hugged her because I wanted to, without any other intentions or anything (I just don't remember wanting to be with her or kiss her or feeling attracted to her, nothing, just hugged her because I wanted to),I don't think she's attractive (I've known her for a year, maybe more, I was always judging her and so on, even thought she was quite ugly at times).
But, the next day, my head was like "omg did you wanna hug her? You never wanna hug people like that!" (It's true im not a person who's like really touchy or something, but I recall hugging like three people at the ball and I definitely wanted to hug all of them I hugged my crying schoolmate - a girl- like ten seconds after that.)
But my head won't let me rest since that moment. I go into my past and search for evidence that I'm gay, I searched on Google for like ten hours, the thoughts are always there and are making me so, so scared. I had a few panic attacks because of it and I can't sleep. I feel like I've lost my attraction towards boys, I don't dream about them like I used to. I always loved boys, I had two long relationships, always loved to flirt with them and never had any interest in being with a girl.  I am just so scared, the thoughts won't go away. I ask people for reassurance, but my head is like "you're in denial!". But deep down I'm like but I just hugged her, I didn't mean it in any way, I don't wanna be with her.
When the thoughts come, it makes me feel like I want to be with her and that I think she's so beautiful and so on (but that's so weird, like a month ago I was judging her a lot thinking nothing romantic or sexual AT ALL) and there are these images in my head that are really stressful. I don't even know if I like them or not anymore. When i have this thought I feel like I HAVE to react to it and do all these checks and go through things and reassure myself. I cant live normal life anymore, I just spend all the time with the thoughts.
Also, I can't listen to certain songs, see some words like gay or bi, always check if I had a groinal response when I see other girls, always imagine if I want to date them. On one ball I went to I felt like I liked all the girls and I had a panic attack because of it.
My head is like you love her you love her, but like why?? Where does that come from?? I just hugged her. This girl is like the specific person and it's so scary. It's not like I am not scared about other girls too (I check them and think if I'm attracted to them or not or what ,you know, can't see pictures with girls, thought i also liked other girls than this one, think i like every girl on instagram, cant talk to my female friends without having to imagine kissing them and so,..). Its like everything connected to orientation is a trigger.
Anytime I see her I get so scared, like so scared.
I just wanna go back to how I felt before. I don't want to feel this. When I say I'm hetero it feels so right. When I say I'm bi, I'm just scared.
I don't know what's real anymore.
Sorry for this being so long.
Thank you!

[dksea]

HI @bobecek, welcome to the forums.  Sorry you are struggling with this, its obviously very painful for you.

Everything you describe here sounds very much like OCD to me.  There are the unwanted intrusive thoughts that keep bothering you (obsessions) and there are the behaviors to try and neutralize the distress they cause, like checking online, etc. (compulsions).  Also, this is not an uncommon obsession, many of us struggle with it at one point or another, I did a bit when I was younger as well.

Unfortunately being told its OCD/believing its OCD/thinking its OCD, is only part of the solution.  You will almost certainly continue to feel doubt and worry about this, at least for a little while.  In order to overcome this worry (or any OCD driven worry) you have to try as much as you can to resist the compulsions and to behave as if this IS just OCD, even when you feel doubt or worry or have the "what if..." thoughts.  Of course you want things to return to "normal" as quickly as possible, thats understandable, but it will probably take some time, so try and be patient and forgive yourself in the meantime.

You'll be tempted to keep checking, to keep looking for groinal responses, to feel like you are attracted enough to boys and not to girls.  All understandable, but all wrong when it comes to OCD.  The problem is not only are these compulsions, but they aren't even good proof.  Take groinal responses for example.  They aren't limited to sexual arousal.  Most of the time thats not a big deal because we don't worry about it.  But when you are focused on the OCD worry you are more likely to notice these kind of physical responses AND to attribute them to a specific feeling or worry, even when its not connected or connected but not in the way you think.  In short, you are worried about groinal responses so you are more likely to notice/experience them.  Its a self fulfilling worry in a sense.

Its also not unusual you feel less attraction to boys at the moment, your mind is preoccupied with worry that is taking higher precedence right now.  You are so worried about feeling the "right" thing that its hard to just feel how you feel.  Panic and anxiety do that, they mess with our emotions.  As you begin to recover from this OCD spike, things will return to a more "normal" state.  Try to be patient and kind to yourself.  You can get through this!