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Debilitating new sexual obsessions please read


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Hi, if someone could take the time to read all this I would really appreciate it. Recently I’ve started to think that I could be attracted to literally anything I think I am. This is including my family now especially and it’s killing me. 

My mind is connecting stuff I do with doing it for sexual pleasure. For example I get a bad thought and feeling and say don’t move your leg as that would move your genitals slightly as well which is like acting on it for pleasure. Many physical movements I do I have to fight the thought and feeling that I’m doing it for pleasure. Also mental stuff like just scrolling through social media or reading anything I have to say “I’m not doing this for sexual pleasure” but then I get I weird feeling in my head that feels like I probably am and it’s hard to fight off or limit.

Sometimes I think I’ve even ended up moving my leg or my arm and in a way I feel like that’s acting on the thought. I think I also allow thoughts sometimes or just don’t fight them enough. It could literally feel like I’m going to do something for pleasure and I think occasionally I’ve done it anyways. And it probably feels pleasurable until right after when I feel awful. 

I think it’s my responsibility to fight these feelings and thoughts because I don’t know if it’s just ocd and sometimes I can kind of control them. Sometimes I even have decent control for a little while after I focus and say “I’m not doing this for pleasure” If it was just ocd then I shouldn’t be able to control it at all?

I don’t think I can get over this unless I know the answer to this question: if it’s not just ocd and the thoughts/feelings in my head are true, then by doing small movements (kinda acting on them in a way), is that evil? Do I need to distance myself from people more or do something? Please answer this question. I’m becoming more convinced not all the thoughts are ocd. Or that I do have ocd but also am sick.

I’m staying away from everyone now because if they are true I don’t want to take the risk of abusing them or doing something evil even if it’s not in a typical way. I basically know I would never actually do something evil like rape someone but let’s say I’m sitting beside my family member and get the the thought I’m brushing my leg against theirs for sexual reasons and it literally feels like I am or I actually move my leg against them in response to the feeling or thought then I would feel awful. What if I did that??

Maybe I could accept that I’m f*cked up and it’s not all ocd but I cannot accept acting on it, even if that’s in a way that technically doesn’t hurt them. It would be very wrong if it’s not ocd right!? Please answer that for me because I don’t think I can always control little movements and thoughts/feelings and I’m worried. I feel at some point it’s inevitable that it’s going to happen.

Edited by Terriblethoughts
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I’ve also begun not touching anything that my family members, dog or anyone I know have touched as I’m scared I’ll get pleasure from knowing that their cells or bacteria etc are now on my hands. Especially things like taps because they could’ve touched their genitals when going to the bathroom then touching the tap. What if I got sexual pleasure from something like this? I can’t help but think it could not be just ocd. Maybe it’s ocd making that connection in the first place to not to touch things they’ve touched but maybe I am really attracted to them or could get a sick pleasure from it since my ocd connected it. If I am then how bad would I be if I ended up enjoying something f*cked like that. I feel it’s inevitable now because next week there’s no way I will be able to avoid contact with them. 

Also I worry that if I spread my germs for example I go the the bathroom and touch my genitals to take a **** then touch the tap that I’m getting pleasure from knowing my family is touching the tap after. I hate this ****. I never touch anything anymore, always use a tissue or tp.

It’s been exhausting having to wash my hands all the time, for an hour or so sometimes and not eating food except around dinner for the most part because I don’t want to leave my room and touch things requiring me to wash my hands. I was getting a bit better at dealing with hand washing due to general contamination but now I’ve connected it to a sexual thing which makes it 10 times worse. The thoughts feel really real sometimes. If they are more then just thoughts/ocd then how awful am I? What do I do?

Edited by Terriblethoughts
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TT, tiresome, painful, but absurd. You ask what you should do. Essentially, you have two choices, allow yourself to be painted even further into the corner (it sounds pretty tight in there as it is), or as the common parlance goes ...  never mind the 'sexual' pun, 'grow a pair'. You can set yourself up to follow the edicts of the unreasonable, the fatuous, or gather the wherewithal to live a life. Start now. 

Only support in the above. Cheers. 

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What you do is recognize that you are doing a bunch of pointless compulsions that are only making your situation worse.

You are paying attention to the thoughts, rather than seeing them as the garbage they are.

You don't need to avoid anything or wash your hands. 

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@paradoxer @PolarBear Thanks for responding guys really appreciate it.
 

It’s just I can’t seem to accept that it’s ocd. Like I said above I can sort of control it sometimes which seems odd. Less like ocd and more like repressing or controlling messed up desires and thoughts. I also had some of these thoughts when I was a kid too, would that still point to ocd? I had ocd tendencies other than thoughts as well but that wasn’t so bad.

I realize maybe you don’t want to answer the question I asked earlier about if it’s not ocd and if feel pleasure then how terrible would it be but if you could answer it once I’ll try to stop asking. Sorry for bugging you about this, it’s just I’m sure it’s going to happen now at some point. I’m going to be sitting next to them on a trip soon and thoughts that may feel/even be enjoyable and possibly some small leg or arm movements are probably bound to happen.

I’m not sure if all my thoughts are intrusive, it’s not always just a quick thought out of nowhere. I think sometimes it’s more like I possibly I want to think about it but I know it’s wrong so I try and stop myself. Or briefly a messed thought comes or is itching to get out and I don’t fight it much and perhaps even allow it and maybe even enjoy it. It’s impossible to be on high alert and control it all the time. Even when I try it still slips out sometimes.

Lastly, is a small physical movement acting on a thought? It seems to me it is since you control your movements but I read in another post someone who did this and they were told it was nothing. I just don’t completely understand how it’s not?

If I were to have the thought don’t move your leg against them or move it away from them or else you’ll get pleasure then if I don’t do what the ocd demands especially if I actually move my leg to touch someone with the thought of getting pleasure in mind then to me that seems awful. 

 

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18 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

It’s just I can’t seem to accept that it’s ocd.

OCD causes doubt, often including whether or not you have OCD.
Treat this as OCD, even when you aren't sure.  Thats the way out.
All the rest of your post is lots of "but what ifs..."  I know these seem like super necessary problems to solve, points to clarify, etc. but thats how OCD works.  You don't have to answer any of these questions.

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Thank you @dksea, honestly though I think maybe I’ve allowed thoughts before and I think the physical movement worry I have has actually happened before. I just can’t remember for sure off the top of my head because everyday is new obsessions and ruminating. I’ve written some down though so if it’s not ocd I’ll have somewhat of a record of the bad things I’ve done so I can know how awful I am. 

So if I did end up moving my leg or arm or my eyes darted to see something I said to look away from then what does that mean? The eyes one has definitely happened I know that for sure. 

 

Edited by Terriblethoughts
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TT, I'm not going to offer reassurance ... per se ... but just to perhaps give you a cognitive jolt, a bit of a foundation to work from - I've looked through your posts here, and nothing, nada, niente, strikes me as anything other than rubbish. (From a fellow sufferer of OCD) I'd say try to take that to the bank. 

 

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I was doing better for a couple days, thank you guys for that, but I spiralled way out of control because I’m really not convinced it’s just ocd. Its been getting so bad yesterday I spent 3-4 hours cleaning myself then cleaning the shower I was in for fear that my brother would use it and I would feel pleasure from knowing water that had touched my genitals was now all over the shower and my brother could be in it. I started feeling a bit ill from the amount of cleaning products I was breathing in.

 

It’s getting so exhausting. I haven’t been eating completely properly because I don’t want to go out and touch stuff requiring me to wash hands after excessively. I was actually getting better at dealing with general contamination but since it’s now sexual it’s so much worse.

This issue was about my whole family before but I decreased my avoidance of my parents bc it was too tiring. If any of them are true desires the worst would be my little brother. It also seems most likely to be true compared to my parents since I was already getting pocd thoughts and much less about my parents.
 

I know this might seem like ocd to people but to me I think it could be ocd and something sick. If this is the case then am I still ok to be doing normal stuff even if I felt some sick pleasure?

 

I feel like a ticking time bomb that at any moment I will lose control of my thoughts and enjoy something f*cked. Even if it’s just briefly before I say NO. In fact this may already have happened. I wrote a bunch of stuff down over the past few days, I will have to sort through it to see.
What if I’m playing sports or whatever with my brother and I do a movement like move my leg against him for sick reasons. It’s not like I would ever plan something like this out it’s just if I stop focusing on my thoughts so much I’ll still get them and since I wouldn’t be placing meaning on them I might act on a quick impulse like that. Or I will be in my head trying to control thoughts and it does feel like my thoughts are going out of control anyways and then what if I do something? 
 

 

 

 

 


 

 

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We can all tell you 10 times that this is all OCD, but unless you tske a leap of faith that we are right and start treating it as OCD, our words will be useless

It is impossible for you to have an OCD obsession about a thing and you to be that thing. Not ever going to happen.

The compulsions you are doing, like avoiding people, washing your hands too much and washing the shower are the reason why you are spiraling. Let that sink in. What you are doing to try and keep people safe is causing your grief.

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Thank you PB, last night I started not avoiding stuff quite as much. Not sure if it was because I was believing it to be ocd or because I was too tired to be avoiding and just gave up. Probably both.

What happened though seems like it might not be just ocd. I was getting a feeling in my mind like I was enjoying it. I remember I had a bad thought too which was my own not ocd. I can’t remember it exactly but I think it was one of these or a combination: maybe it’s ok even if I enjoy it since technically no one gets hurt, I am having the feeling of enjoyment and it’s ok or I just don’t care, or would it be ok if I felt enjoyment from it since no one gets hurt? 

After I said to myself no wtf how can you consider that but still, I considered it and may have enjoyed it and allowed it or agreed or accepted those thoughts. At some point(s) I think I was briefly feeling ok with the weird feeling of enjoyment in my head. I could’ve been enjoying or allowing that feeling more often I think but I was trying to suppress it at least a little most of the time. I didn’t have enough energy to do more. In my head I just felt so f*cked up, like I was ok with it and didn’t even care. Most of the time I felt like not caring I reminded myself I don’t want to be a bad person or feel enjoyment. Hopefully it’s just how bad I felt that caused me to have that sort of feeling and not fight it off much or at all for small moments and even be ok or maybe even a little good with it in a way. I’m really not sure.

Does this now prove it’s more than ocd? I want to die if I’m a danger to my brother or it’s more. I feel guilty for the above. How could I allow myself to feel ok or give in to it. 

What if I have an impulse control disorder? I hit a real low last night and started gambling, won $300 then blew it all and felt like ****. I kept going even when I thought I should probably stop, kept clicking the stupid button impulsively. I hope it was just my awful mood last night due to the ocd situation making me like that but I’m scared. On the whole I don’t have a gambling problem though.

Sorry for making this so long but one last thing is I have have a similar obsession about not touching my dogs nose (because of where dogs noses go), but since the newest obsession with my brother it feels less important and sometimes I don’t pay as much attention to it. I feel a little like I don’t care about my dog now because of this or like I’m being negligent to not keep avoiding her nose so much just because of a different obsession. 

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You're asking for reassurance. You've been assured this is OCD, but your mind makes up something else and you feel you need to come back for reassurance.

Your story is not new or different. Heard it beforr. It's just everyday OCD that you are choosing to engage with.

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@PolarBear Thank you very much for responding and taking the time. I have decreased my cleaning slightly and I’ll try to stop reassurance seeking after this. I can see how before it seemed like ocd but just to be 100% clear you read all of my last post right? Sorry my ocd is saying you may not have read it all and maybe missed important bits.
 

I just don’t see how giving in and being too tired to fight it and then actually feeling like there’s some weird sick feeling in my head of enjoyment could be ocd. And also not even caring until after those moments. How could I enjoy it or allow it and not fight it. And have those awful thoughts that were my own. I was at a very low point could that cause it? I am just not seeing that this could be only ocd anymore.
 

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See what happened there? I answered your previous post and you csme back and wanted REASSURANCE that I had read your whole post and thst I still think it's just OCD.

Reassurance seeking is a compulsion. I'm sure you ruminate like crazy too. Compulsions always mske your situation worse.

Leave it alone for a while. Just set it aside and get busy doing other things.

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Sorry, this is going to be another long post so thanks very much to everyone who reads it. I was on social media and one of those models came up in my feed and it was a close up of her underwear and I think you could kind of see some of her... Sorry TMI warning I was enjoying that but then I imagined it to be a little kid so I looked away from her but it felt like a different-ish feeling of some enjoyment came over me. And I didn’t really fight it off much at first. Or maybe even allowed it a little I’m not sure. Also sorry this might be irrelevant but I feel I have to include the details. Her underwear was yellow, sparkly and may have had a butterfly shape design I’m not 100% sure. So maybe this made me think of a kid’s underwear I don’t know. Also I can’t remember but once I imagined it to be a kid maybe this design made me think it was like a kid’s underwear which maybe contributed to that enjoyment feeling I briefly felt. I think I’m even more sick because of this. 

I worry this isn’t just ocd. I don’t really understand, earlier today I was testing in my mind whether I would enjoy something sick but I felt kind of like I passed the test. Probably I only passed because of my morals or bc I of course want to pass but maybe once I’m a little h*rny and get a horrible thought I’m too sick to even care enough to fight it off enough. I mean I tried to and I looked away from the model but at first I think I wasn’t really trying much and like I said it felt like a feeling of enjoyment for a little. I feel guilty about this and feel it proves it’s more than ocd. 

Now it feels like I want to think about it again. Although once I really thought about if I liked it, it seemed like I didn’t but now I’m not sure again. It’s going back and forth a little. Sometimes it feels like I enjoy it or want to or could and other times it feels like I don’t. Although usually I’m more unsure or feeling like maybe I could. It makes very little sense to me. Does that sound like ocd? Maybe I’m not a full on p but am a bit? 

From what I’ve read people say pedophiles don’t feel guilt or care but I heard there’s a website called virtuous pedophiles which is pedophiles dedicated not to acting out. Does anyone know if that’s real? What separates them from me or someone with pocd? I’ve been too scared to go on that site for fear I’ll read something sick and enjoy it. Or that I’ll match with their symptoms. 

 

I’ve also been obsessing about a thought I had about dogs today which I felt like I enjoyed for a second before I pushed it out. That feeling was a bit different than the above though so maybe this is ocd and the other isn’t. I sometimes feel a bit like the thoughts are only somewhat intrusive. Like I know it’s wrong and am trying not to think about it but on some level I want to so I allow it kind of? Whether that’s for checking reasons or not idk. I suspect sometimes it is but other times not.

 

I also remember a couple years ago I had a few brief undesired moments feeling like I was attracted to middle aged/older aged men which makes little sense to me as well. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but I worry I could have some weird sexuality or other disorder that causes me to be attracted to anything. Especially if I don’t want to be or if I consider the possibility of it, whatever it might be. Either that or I had ocd about this but not about other thing(s). A mix of ocd and genuine sickness. I kind of think I should just end it. Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here being sick in the head. I wouldn’t have to deal with this sh*t either. 

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So... are you going to go where others have before you, where you are outtight told your problem is OCD but you keep coming back after every obsession, asking us if it's still just OCD?

That right there is OCD at work. Doubt, doubt, doubt and you redpond with compulsions (ruminating, testing your reactions, asking for reassurance).

We aren't going to keep giving you reassurance. We know it doesn't work and ends up doing you harm.

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On 01/03/2020 at 05:56, Terriblethoughts said:

I worry this isn’t just ocd.

I understand that, I really do, because OCD is a disease of doubt.  And doubt creates worry.  Its utterly common for a person with OCD to doubt they have OCD.  Its paradoxical, its unfair, but its true.  But having doubt that its not OCD doesn't mean its not OCD.  OCD still remains the most likely explanation (and its not even close) to your situation.  You don't have to be certain to treat this as OCD.
 

On 01/03/2020 at 05:56, Terriblethoughts said:

earlier today I was testing in my mind whether I would enjoy something sick but I felt kind of like I passed the test.

The thing is, testing doesn't work.  You know you are testing, the environment is tainted, you won't give a true response because of that.  And even if you DO give a true response (whatever that even means) you'll still doubt it.  You could test 100 times and give the "right" response and still have doubt "What if the next time is different..." "What if I only responded that way because I wanted it to be true..." "What if it wasn't a REAL test because of X, Y , or Z..." etc.  Yes, in non-OCD circumstances testing might be an effective tool, but thats because in non-OCD circumstances we can accept uncertainty.  We can go with "probably" or "maybe".  Instead OCD says you must be 100% sure, an impossibility.

 

On 01/03/2020 at 05:56, Terriblethoughts said:

What separates them from me or someone with pocd?

There is no such thing as POCD, only OCD.  OCD can happen for ANY kind of thought.  That your current worry happens to be about being a pedophile doesn't actually matter.  It seems important to you right now, because its your current worry, but trust me, the problem isn't the worry, the problem is the doubt.  Replace your worry with any other worry, trust me you'd feel just as bad.  You think because being a pedophile is such an awful thing (true) that is why you are suffering so much, I understand that.  But again, BELIEVE me that OCD can cause the same suffering over ANY worry.  You can be tortured by things that other people can dismiss without ease or think are silly.  Its not about WHAT you think about, its about how your brain isn't responding properly to it.


Anyway, I could go on and on breaking down your post, it wouldn't likely help much because you'll still feel doubt.  Simply talking about OCD won't make it disappear.  You need to take active steps to recover.  Yes it can be hard to take those steps, but they also work.  Millions of people have suffered the way you do and gotten better.  You are definitely not alone, not even in your particular current theme.  We could tell you every day that your problem is OCD, but nothing will improve if you don't decide to treat it as OCD despite the doubt you will still feel, at least at first.  You have to actively choose to do the right things and keep doing them.  Its like exercise.  Doing a workout one day or a couple days won't change anything.  You have to do it regularly, for a while to see real results.  Getting help from a therapist and/or psychiatrist is a good idea too.  They are like coaches or trainers.  They help you keep motivated, help you know what exercises to do, help you set up a goal, set up a schedule.  You can do it on your own with some books etc. but its much easier with professional guidance.

 

On 01/03/2020 at 05:56, Terriblethoughts said:

Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here being sick in the head. I wouldn’t have to deal with this sh*t either. 

And what if you are just suffering from OCD?  What if people who care about you would be hurt by your absence?  What if you get better and end up having great memories, a rewarding life?  Yes, things suck right now, but right now is not forever, things can change and change for the better if you make the right choices and get the help you deserve.  Lots of us have been in awful situations where just getting through the day was a struggle.  But trust me when I tell you, giving up when things are at the worst is not the answer.  There is hope, there is a better future for you.  It won't come easy, but it will be worth it.

 

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Thank you all so much for responding, it really means a lot. Sorry it’s another long post but I think this will be my last one for a while. I’ll try to stop reassurance seeking after this.

 

I have more reason to believe it’s not just ocd. While reading ocd forums I keep trying so hard not to be aroused or enjoy ANYTHING I read but the words “naked kid” were in a sentence and it felt like a wave of arousal came into my head. I desperately tried to get it out and did mostly, by saying no, shooting my arm out to the side, biting the bed sheets even for a second and forcing it out but the fact I felt that makes me think it’s not ocd. Often a good part of my day is me controlling my brain (or trying to) to not feel anything sick or any sort of arousal. Is that still ocd? And when I’m mentally checking if I’m aroused by kids I don’t think I get a disgust reaction. Sometimes the opposite it seems even. Occasionally it does seem like I don’t really like it but that could be just because of how wrong I know it is. Sometimes there isn’t even that much anxiety. How could that still be ocd? I still have the same obsession about not touching my dogs nose too. 

 

Maybe I’m reassurance seeking here, but it doesn’t seem like ocd to me. It doesn’t matter though. I cannot get over the obsession about not touching stuff my little brother has touched and getting his cells on me. I’m spending 2-5 hours a day washing hands and have gone a couple days without eating or drinking and other days eating very little because it’s too much of a hassle to leave my room and wash my hands and arms after. I can’t even touch the tap either so I have to kick it or grab it with a cloth. Ridiculous, but then kind of not if it isn’t just ocd and I’m getting a sick pleasure from touching something he’s touched? 

 

I’m feeling suicidal sometimes because it really might not be just ocd and I don’t want to do anything morally very wrong. I can’t get over this obsession without knowing the answer to this question: if it’s not just ocd, am I still ok to be touching door handles, taps, food, etc he’s touched even if I were to get some sick pleasure? What is the morality of that? Honestly it sounds insane but I’m thinking I have to go ask an ethics professor or something I don’t even know. What’s wrong with me. But please answer that question if you can I hate this so much.

 

I just want to go and eat some food. Yesterday I stuffed myself to make up for the days I missed and the days where I ate very little but today I didn’t eat or drink again. My grades are slipping too which sucks because I was doing pretty well. It’s kind of funny (not really ig) how crazy this is getting, I almost couldn’t even eat at a fast food place my brother had eaten at before. I was thinking his cells would be there and I’d get some sick enjoyment getting them on me. Sorry for making long posts all the time and thanks again, don’t know what I’d be doing if it wasn’t for you amazing people.

 

Edited by Terriblethoughts
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Hey TT, 

Sounds like you're having a hard time, sorry to read this :(  I'm gonna try simplify it a bit:

6 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

I have more reason to believe it’s not just ocd

It's just OCD

7 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

Is that still ocd?

Yep it's still OCD.

7 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

How could that still be ocd?

How could what you're saying NOT be OCD?

7 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

Maybe I’m reassurance seeking here, but it doesn’t seem like ocd to me

Unfortunately you are reassurance seeking and it's very natural with OCD. And yeah it's OCD.

8 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

Ridiculous, but then kind of not if it isn’t just ocd and I’m getting a sick pleasure from touching something he’s touched?

Nope it sounds exactly like OCD to me.

9 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

I’m feeling suicidal sometimes because it really might not be just ocd

It's common in OCD sufferers to feel like there's no escape and they want it to end - but yep that's just OCD.

10 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

if it’s not just ocd, am I still ok to be touching door handles, taps, food, etc he’s touched even if I were to get some sick pleasure

But it is OCD - and yes a very high percentage of the human population touches handles, taps, food, ovens. You've just got OCD which means you have scary intrusive thoughts about getting sexual gratification from touching things other people may have touched.

 

I hope this has helped. You're asking the question but also subconsciously answering it at the same time. 

 

Keep your chin up :)

B

 

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Thanks so much BM and Polar, I actually managed to cut down my cleaning and avoiding a good bit. Although some of this was due to me needing to finish assignments and not spend time washing rather than directly challenging the ocd. I am feeling a little better but it’s really hard. 
 

I feel guilty for challenging the ocd. It feels like sometimes when I’m ignoring thoughts I’m not just ignoring ocd thoughts but sometimes real disgusting desires/thoughts. It feels very real sometimes so I can’t help but feel like it needs addressing and forcing out of my mind otherwise I could enjoy it at times. I’m tired of constantly trying to monitor my mind and attempting to make sure I don’t think/feel anything bad but it seems necessary for me.

I’ve gotten to a point where somehow I do have a little control over my thoughts but I’m not sure if that’s good because then I have to constantly control my mind or watch out for stuff.
 

If I get a thought I don’t want or am taking preventative measures I focus completely on something random in front of me and then convince myself I dont want to think the thoughts, which is sometimes pretty hard. Then I try to be calm or non reactive and label anything that I don’t want to think as intrusive which sometimes allows me to get much less of a reaction to the thoughts. Is this a compulsion? Maybe I should only do the last part and not do anything at all about the thoughts?

Thanks again!!

Edited by Terriblethoughts
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You want to get to a point where you do absolutely nothing about the thoughts. It's okay for now to label an intrusive thought as such. You don't have to tell yourself you don't want a thought. Don't give it even that much energy.

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