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Debilitating new sexual obsessions please read


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10 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

I feel guilty for challenging the ocd. It feels like sometimes when I’m ignoring thoughts I’m not just ignoring ocd thoughts but sometimes real disgusting desires/thoughts.

But isn't that what you'd want to do?  Isn't ignoring unwanted thoughts the goal?  
Isn't the goal of an alcoholic to ignore the desire to drink?
Isn't the goal of a gambling addict to ignore the desire to gamble?
Even if you truly did have "disgusting desires/thoughts" if your personal value is to NOT do these things, then ignoring them would be the goal anyway.  Ignoring is what you SHOULD do, not just for OCD but for bad ideas in general.  
A brave person isn't someone who has no fear, a brave person is someone who chooses to do what they must DESPITE fear.
A good person isn't someone who has no bad/negative thoughts, a good person is a person who chooses to DO the right thing, even when they are tempted not to, most of the time at least.  Cause no one EVER does the "right" thing 100% of the time.  Humans are just not made that way.
 

10 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

It feels very real sometimes so I can’t help but feel like it needs addressing and forcing out of my mind otherwise I could enjoy it at times. I’m tired of constantly trying to monitor my mind and attempting to make sure I don’t think/feel anything bad but it seems necessary for me.

I understand it seems necessary because I have been there.  I have been at the place where I feel like I MUST fight a given thought OR ELSE.  And I learned that I was wrong about that.  Trying to keep all objectionable/troubling/problematic thoughts out of ones mind is an impossible goal.  It literally can not be done.  Even if you were raised in such a way as to NEVER be exposed to even the concept of negative situations (as if that were possible) its still likely you'd end up in situations where you might be tempted to do "bad" things.  Like you see someone with something you would enjoy, its very likely you will have the thought "I want to have that", a potentially bad thought, because you might then think "I could take it from them and then I would have it".  Children go through that kind of stage after all, because they literally do not have a concept yet for ownership and respecting each others belongings.  Desire exists for them LONG before morality can.  Wanting something is instinctual.  Understanding that you shouldn't take something you want because it is the "wrong" thing to do is learned.  You are biologically incapable of avoiding potentially "bad" thoughts.  Its an impossible goal.  Fortunately it also doesn't mean you will therefore do the bad thing.  Do you go through your day constantly telling yourself not to steal from those around you?  Constantly telling yourself not to jump on the nearest person you find attractive?  Constantly telling yourself not to say offensive things?  No, because it turns out you can think of doing all these things without actually doing them.  I can think of murdering people, or robbing them.  I can think of stealing or vandalizing.  I can think of LOTS of bad things and yet never actually DO any of them.  Not because I am constantly forcing myself to never think them, but because I am in control of my actions and I CHOOSE not to do them.  You have that same ability.  You can CHOOSE not to do the things that pop in to your head.  You do most of the time already.  
OCD is lying to you, its making you believe you HAVE to control these thoughts OR ELSE.  The reality is you don't.  You haven't been this whole time and you've been fine.  You will still be fine if you don't do anything about them now.  You can ignore them, it's ok.  Even when it feels like you shouldn't, you can.  OCD is sending you false alarms, you don't have to listen.

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Thank you dk, I guess maybe you’re right. But if they were real then wouldn’t I need a lot of psychological help? I’d never truly get better. I’d probably need castration or something. Because although I’m confident I’m not ever going to act out in a typical way (ocd does make me doubt this a tiny bit occasionally), what if there’s stuff I can’t control. Say I pet a dog and it truly is for sexual reasons because I couldn’t control it to not feel that way, or a child hugged me or something and I felt arousal. That’s just so messed up if it’s not ocd.

It’s not like I would want or plan out these things but if it’s not ocd then the dog one has been proven already in my previous posts to be uncontrollable. I was told it was ocd but if it isn’t then that means I did something AWFUL, even if it was uncontrollable. I should be locked away or dead to prevent further incidents right? Or another example I can give of uncontrollable is when I used to have an obsession about not breathing near my dog because what if I smelled her privates somehow and enjoyed it. I did everything I could to breath through my mouth, walk ahead upwind but I thought I smelled something anyway. Even if it was it was all ocd playing tricks on me, which it probably was, and I’ve managed to get over this obsession mostly, it still felt like I might have enjoyed it. Sick.

But to clarify do you think there’s a significant chance I could be one of those “virtuous pedophiles”? Or some of my other fears? I just really don’t want to be alive if I am. I don’t care enough, even if I can go on with life without acting out I’d rather just die. Imagine seeing a naked kid at the beach, if I was a p that would be like cp to me and evil. I’d just rather not deal with this all... Not worth all the pain and sickness in my head. The only reason I haven’t killed myself already is my family. I do have goals and stuff too but that’s not enough sometimes. Most of those now feel unattainable. Like owning another dog when I’m older. I only have a small amount of hope it’s only ocd and that I could still.

I sort of doubt I’m all of my fears because some of these I didn’t have or way less until this last year or two but maybe some of them are true. I don’t know. It feels like they could be though. Some I did have even when younger which makes me question. I think I might be somewhat similar to a satyr or some sort of beast with a sexual appetite for anything :(((. Maybe it’s just my sexuality and whatever I deem inappropriate to be attracted to I can be. Or that my sexuality is for anything, but my ocd makes it uncontrollable. That previously I didn’t notice all of it because it went against my morals or/and I couldn’t accept it or just didn’t consider the possibility of it which pushed it away but now with ocd I’ve thought about it lots and unlocked it in a way. Or more likely some is ocd and some isn’t. What if I’ve developed paraphilia’s as a result of obsessing over them and conditioning?

Sorry I probably sound crazy, idk I haven’t slept right in a couple days and I’m very anxious. Forgive me if I’m taking your advice really badly and going nuts. I don’t know what I am or what to do.

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Hey TT,

Let me reiterate:

13 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

But if they were real then wouldn’t I need a lot of psychological help

The thoughts are just thoughts and your OCD makes you believe they have meaning.

13 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

That’s just so messed up if it’s not ocd

But it is just OCD!

13 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

It’s not like I would want or plan out these things but if it’s not ocd then the dog one has been proven already in my previous posts to be uncontrollable

This is clearly your problem TT, you're so adamant to question whether it's your OCD or not. This is what PB and DK are saying to you.

13 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

was told it was ocd but if it isn’t then that means I did something AWFUL

Again, this is just OCD making you question your thoughts.

13 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

Even if it was it was all ocd playing tricks on me, which it probably was, and I’ve managed to get over this obsession mostly, it still felt like I might have enjoyed it. Sick

You see that you're contradicting yourself here right?

13 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

But to clarify do you think there’s a significant chance I could be one of those “virtuous pedophiles”? Or some of my other fears

Yep catastrophizing - that's typical of OCD too.

13 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

 Or more likely some is ocd and some isn’t

You're doing everything you can to think you are at least some of what you fear you are.. so everyone is telling you its OCD and you're saying "yep you're right its OCD but I still think I'm at least partly a dog killing, contamination loving paedophile". It isnt making sense!

 

You'll get through this you just have to listen and take on board what's being said here and change your attitude and belief about the thoughts.

B

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18 hours ago, Terriblethoughts said:

But if they were real then wouldn’t I need a lot of psychological help? I’d never truly get better. I’d probably need castration or something. Because although I’m confident I’m not ever going to act out in a typical way (ocd does make me doubt this a tiny bit occasionally), what if there’s stuff I can’t control. Say I pet a dog and it truly is for sexual reasons because I couldn’t control it to not feel that way, or a child hugged me or something and I felt arousal. That’s just so messed up if it’s not ocd.

"But what if..." you can always say this about ANY situation.  Do you worry about the "What if I murder people in my sleep?" "What if someday I snap and kill my family?" "What if someday I decide to rob a bank?" You can spend the rest of your life pondering "what if" situations and not even scratch the surface of what could POSSIBLY happen.  Basically everyone gets unwanted thoughts, you are not different like you believe.  Spend enough time on these forums and/or around other OCD sufferers and you will hear these types of things over and over.  It seems unique for you because tis what you are directly suffering from at this moment, but its really not unique.  You are not the first nor will you be the last person to have these thoughts pop in to your head.

"But my situation is different because...."
Its not.  It really isn't.

"But if its true then it would be wrong for me not to do something..."
Why? You haven't done anything, you've had unpleasant thoughts, the same as other people, the only difference is OCD causes you to dwell on them more than other people, to not let go.

"What if there is stuff I can't control..."
What if there isn't? What if there never is?  What if you waste your life fighting this theoretical possibility (that was never going to happen)?

I know what you are feeling right now sucks, like really really really sucks.  It seems like there is no way out.  But there is, its just not the way you'd normally approach it.  You can't logic your way out of this one, because the problem isn't logic, its the feeling of doubt OCD creates.  To stop the doubt you have to ignore the question.  You have to make your brain get bored with it.  The doubt will fade, the anxiety will fade when you don't focus on it.  Its hard, especially at first, the pull to engage the thought is strong, the fear that if you don't something bad will happen is strong, but you can do it, you have that choice.  Just like a smoker quitting the desire can be overcome, even if it takes awhile and you almost certainly won't get it right 100% of the time.

One of the problems many sufferers of OCD face, maybe all of us at one point or another, is accepting that our problem is OCD.  Unfortunately the nature of the disorder, doubt, creates this sort of self fulfilling prophecy, we have OCD, so we doubt we have OCD.  It sucks. 

In essence you have a malfunctioning alarm in your brain, but the worst part is the part of your brain that tells you something is malfunctioning, thats the part thats malfunctioning!  You have to decide that you are going to accept this malfunction is probably happening, and that people outside you are better able to detect it.  Unfortunately you are compromised, you can't rely on feeling "certain" about some things the way you are used to.  It sucks, but it is what it is.  You have to decide to trust other people, and yourself, and do things based on "probably" not "certainly".

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Thanks guys, I’m trying to ignore more often. I’ve also limited my cleaning a bit which is making life easier. Yesterday I did a decent job ignoring and it felt like a constant itch to check and think about it and a weird anxiety or unpleasant feeling was in my head.
 

Today though there was a bit less of that feeling or/and anxiety yet it still felt like I could sometimes enjoy my thoughts. So I spent hours checking sometimes getting the right reaction sometimes not. But I think maybe the sometimes not is only because I know how wrong it is which makes me feel that way. Or that I’ve conditioned myself to feel like I don’t because of all the pain this keeps causing me. Like a pedo who is zapped when they think of a child to get rid of their attraction. The sometimes not I don’t even think is a disgust feeling. Just not aroused or a bad feeling in my head. Which maybe is because of how wrong it is and how much I don’t want to be that rather than what I’m naturally attracted to?
 

Anyways, I’ll keep trying to ignore more. It’s possibly selfish of me but a little part of why I don’t want to keep cleaning as much is because I have the desire to use that time to start working out again. So maybe I’ll do that. 

 

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On 10/03/2020 at 15:45, BM94 said:

You see that you're contradicting yourself here right? 

Sorry bm I should have been more clear here. I meant it was my ocd tricking me by making me turn the smell of the forest air somehow into a similar smell to what my dogs private’s would smell like. Which maybe I enjoyed it I don’t remember really. I held my breath and ran forward away from my dog but it couldn’t prevent the ocd twisting the smell of the forest into something awful when I breathed in.

It’s so weird that even I think at least the part about turning the smell of the forest I was in into something like that must be ocd. But the feeling like I might of enjoyed it might not have been ocd.

Luckily now I’ve mostly gotten over this breathing through my nose obsession though. Thanks so much for your help guys and sorry for writing in the quote box it wouldn’t let me write below.

Edited by Terriblethoughts
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40 minutes ago, Terriblethoughts said:

Yesterday I did a decent job ignoring and it felt like a constant itch to check and think about it and a weird anxiety or unpleasant feeling was in my head.

Yup, its hard at first, because you are breaking a bad habit in a way.  But just like an itch generally goes away if you ignore it rather than scratch it, the OCD thought will begin to bother you less and less the less attention you give it.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all, sorry I haven’t been able to take the advice very well. I’ve pretty much decided that my fears could be true. I’m thinking I might end it all within the next few years. There’s still some stuff I would like to do and have to do otherwise I’d maybe do it sooner. Maybe it’s selfish of me to stay alive longer when I really could be my fears. 
 

I keep going over what would be worse, me killing myself which obviously would be horrible for my brother, or if my fears are true and I’m getting a sick pleasure from touching things he has or touching something he will touch. Or other similar things like bumping into him by accident, looking at him, etc.
 

I’ve heard there’s pedophiles who have lived “normal” lives and not offended but are they getting sick pleasure from touching something a kids touched? Or what if they bumped into a kid by accident? If they can’t prevent enjoying that then should they still be locked up? What if I’m a p who also has ocd causing me to enjoy touching things they have touched? 

One slightly good thing though is I’m less ocd about my dog now. Other than that though things aren’t looking great. Any help is really appreciated.

 

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You have to take it on faith that we know what we're talking about. This is ordinary, everyday OCD.

Believe it or not, pedophiles don't sit there all day debating with themselves about whether they are pedophiles or not. You do, which is a clear indication thst something else is going on.

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My friend, after reviewing these post and reading what you have to say, I would wager you have a severe case of OCD. These thoughts, worries, obesessions, and compulsions you are having are obviously very distressing to you and taking up a majority of your life. This is literally a textbook definition of OCD, and if a medical professional read your postings, i'm sure they'd agree. I would seriously recommend seeing a counselor/psychologist.

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  • 2 weeks later...

@PolarBear @ShyGuy Thanks guys, I was finally able to beat this obsession. Well, not completely but I’ve made massive progress. I didn’t end up enjoying it at all until I actually noticed I wasn’t and thought wait oh I haven’t enjoyed it and then of course it kind of felt like I did if I’m remembering correctly but I’m treating it as ocd. Even if I was a p how could I have randomly started liking my brother? 
 


But now after a couple days of feeling kind of ok again, I’m having a new issue with different thoughts that just seem real and like I enjoy them in a way. It’s different than before, since I’m trying to treat it as ocd there’s less or maybe no anxiety but then I still think them and they feel real and like I want to think them. So I think I need to have more anxiety to prevent it as much as I can. It’s not like I’m trying to think them or enjoy them but they are there very often and when I say “it’s just ocd” to myself it almost never goes away. It literally seems like my own thoughts that I, on some level want to think sometimes. It’s also really hard to force out of my mind, previously it was hard too but this is worse I think. Or maybe I’m just mentally to tired. Probably both.
 

But then when I test if I could actually try and think them or fantasize on purpose like I would an attractive girl my age I can’t. Maybe that’s just my morals though. Or my fear that if I did that then it would finally prove it’s all true. But to make it more confusing a couple times when I was in that state of mind I was talking about above, I tested to see if in that state or if when my thoughts feel like that, I could enjoy it and I think I could/was briefly but I stopped myself. I think one of those times was me forcing myself to do it and try to enjoy it though to see my reaction. It was also of something ridiculous, an ant (I was watching ant man). The other time though wasn’t something ridiculous and don’t think I was forcing. 
 

The only thing I’m holding on to is that I said no to it quickly, not sure if right away tho. And that testing in that way is maybe different than normal and different than actually trying to enjoy it. Also I’m only doing it to find answers I think.

It’s just hard because it’s convincing me it’s all real and that I want to think it on some level. Sorry for my super long posts and thanks again. 

 

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