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Considering a change


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Hi everybody

I would like to start with a big thankyou for all the help and support I've been given the last week. Thankyou for being here and for making a difference and for helping me. You made me feel much less alone with this and in a week when there was a lot of tears, it was nice to have some help in the dark. :)

I'm posting in tonight because I'm considering a change of circumstances of work; namely, dropping my hours by a day, which would give me an extra day off every week. I work forty hours as a tour-guide for a company, which means I spend five days a week (odd days with odd hours and often weekends) every day standing up for eight hours and talking to people and telling them interesting facts; but I'm indoors most of the time and while I do my best to interact and engage, I also find myself very lost in my thoughts on quiet days and during quiet moments - essentially, I'm a glamourised security-guard - and recently with my OCD it's been worse as I've been ruminating a lot at work. I've been dealing recently with a compulsive creativity and it's been rattling around my head to the point of pain; I've been going over and over things, blinking a lot, eye-twitching and just generally mentally struggling and I'm dreading going into work because the concept of being left alone with that all day is hell. I am a deep thinker and I know it's okay to think, but I'm thinking too much and fighting my ruminative issues and I just feel alone and isolated with it and it just feels as though it's hurting me. I have been considering leaving the job recently (going on to what, I'm not sure) but by lowering my hours slightly, while I would have to tighten my belt a little, I would also have more time to stimulate myself; go to the gym; do more writing; do some courses; read more books; even learn to drive. I know that work is good for keeping us busy but the nature of my job is wearing on me and I find myself stuck with my thoughts too much.

I've outlined this idea to my dad, my stepmum and my best friend and they've all agreed with my logic; my dad in particular noted how bad I'd been recently and told me my health and well-being must come first, but expressed his concern that three days off a week might contribute badly to my mental health and make me depressed. My question is - is this letting the OCD win, or running away, or is it tackling the issues properly and head-on? I don't want my OCD to crumple me and bear me down in every corner of my life; I do like my job but recently it's been difficult and I just feel I have no life to speak of; that it's all at work and I'm always counting down the hours until I can leave again. I know that sounds childish and I'm lucky to have a job and a roof over my head. 

Has anyone else ever done this? I know it can only be my decision and a response to my own ruminative mind, but I would welcome people's thoughts on this. I've just been struggling so much recently and want to create more of a life for myself because it feels as though I'm on the sidelines, unable to devote any proper time to the things I love. I do worry that the extra day will give me more time by myself to think, but at least I won't be stuffed into a uniform, in a building, with a professional face and expression; I won't be stuffed into a corner.

Thanks for reading,

C x

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As you have found, OCD likes a vacuum. 

If you take that extra day, then you need to find ways to keep some business going in order to take time away from the OCD. 

And at work, when you find ruminating creeping in stop, and ease your mind to something beneficial - maybe a favourite walk or place you enjoy, a meal you can cook, a piece you might write. 

Stopping rumination is all about stop and refocus. Keeping busy and occupied. 

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Hey Cub,

I get exactly how you feel, I struggle a lot when I have free time too. Since I had a big relapse last year, I threw myself into work because it was the only way to make the thoughts stop. However, I found myself worn out after a while, it wasn't sustainable and at one point I took a little staycation. I was scared of doing this, but then really enjoyed it.

I understand why your dad is worried, but I also think that treating OCD is all about exposure. If you don't take the time off, you will never have the chance to expose yourself to the peace and quiet that your mind is scared of. I think it's a good idea for you to try this but you should aim to use the time constructively. Be prepared that your mind will inevitably try to start ruminating. Don't be shocked or disappointed when this happens, because it likely will. It's how you react to it that will be a big step for you. As Roy says, channel that energy into something constructive. You have a lot of nice activity ideas that you could do.

I'm sorry if you've said this before, but are you seeing a therapist? If you are, they could also help you prepare for this. 

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I am in therapy at the moment and the therapist has asked me to boost up my "soothe" quotient to take time away from the OCD. 

This includes all the things I enjoy that soothe and calm me. 

Examples are :

Reading 

Writing 

Puzzles 

Walks 

Exercise 

Meditation 

Mindfulness. 

In my case I have an anxiety issue ongoing which the soothe helps, and it will take focus away from the threats I fear, and the powerful, but futile, urge to try and fix things quickly. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just realised I never replied to this; shame on me! Thankyou guys for your advice and help.

I'm still pondering the decision over; I was quite depressed at work yesterday as I'd just had two days off work and I had been by myself. I went to the gym last night to try and shake some of it off but I'm just despairing of myself a little. How sad do I have to be to have so little of a life that I feel I need work for structure? I keep myself to myself on days off as I'm quite an introverted person but recently, my hobbies have been taking a blow. My writing confidence has suffered the last three months as I feel I can't produce anything of substance.  When In try and find escapism in my writing, I second-guess myself because of my doubts and I don't think anything I produce will be of value due to previous experience and uncertainties. Considering that my OCD and writing are closely connected, it's very distressing that something I enjoy is causing me so much pain; I've tried to get the better of my OCD through my writing and it's just made things worse because a lot of what I write turned out to be a compulsion. And if I feel I can't write, I try harder to fix it and everything falls flat. So that's partly why I'm so scared. I also seem to 'feel' things much more; if something bad happens in my favourite television show, it really gets to me and I feel the urge to fix it. I get so upset so easily. 

Thanks for the support and the advice. I know I have to be ready to meet this but I worry if I'm mentally equipped to deal with the change? I just don't feel as though I have anything positive to give which contributes to my depression. All my other coworkers have relationships, friends, things they're good at. And I don't feel as though I'm good at anything. :( I think part of the problem - and I know this is going to sound snobby - is where I've just moved to. I used to live in a house where I had the run of the place; my bedroom and bathroom, kitchen and lounge and now in my new place I'm sort of confined to one area, which I'm having trouble adapting to and everything feels less hygienic somehow; it's a very 'lived-in' family house and I've been feeling homesick for my old place. I know how silly and ungrateful I sound; I'm lucky to have a place to sleep and a roof over my head but it's hard to go from one to the other and the other night the mother and daughter had a massive row. I'm no fan of conflict and always think I'm somehow to blame. So it would be less time at work and more time at home, in this kind of environment. My OCD also gets going because of the dogs; they're lovely animals but the house has a patio, rather than grass and their business can be seen in little piles from the kitchen window, which is really offputting (again, silly, I know). 

Thanks again for the support but apologies once more for my late reply. I wanted to come back in as I've been having these worries and fresh fears about hurting myself. 

C x

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16 hours ago, Cub said:

I just don't feel as though I have anything positive to give which contributes to my depression. All my other coworkers have relationships, friends, things they're good at. And I don't feel as though I'm good at anything. :(

It can be frustrating to see others having the types of things (relationships, etc.) that we, as people with mental health issues, struggle with, but it's important to try not to measure yourself based on what you see of others too much.  We often don't know/don't realize the struggles other people are going through so we give ourselves a false picture of their situation.  

Meanwhile, simply by existing and trying to be a decent person you are giving something positive!  It can be as simple as saying thank you or smiling to someone during your day.  Maybe they were feeling down and you showed them a small bit of kindness that helped them.  You said you work as a tour guide, well theres another positive thing you are giving!  As someone who loves to travel and loves to learn, I always enjoy when I take a tour and have a good tour guide who can help me feel more comfortable in a new place, and can share interesting information with me!  You may not realize it, but I am sure through your work you have helped make peoples travels more interesting and enjoyable.

As to relationships and friendships, yes it can be a rewarding part of life, and I definitely encourage you to try and form some friendships, it doesn't need to be many and it doesn't need to be super tight at first, but even something as simple as occasionally chatting or grabbing a bite to eat together sometimes can be a lot of fun.  Maybe find an online forum like this one for something you enjoy and make some friends there, or join a club/gathering in your area.  I don't know how prevalent its use is in the UK, but the Meetup App is a great way to find activities you are interested in in your area.  Of course OCD adds a challenge to some of that for some people, but its also a great way to challenge your OCD.

Change can be hard, but things seldom change for the better on their own, you have to take a somewhat active role in things.  It can be cathartic to come to a place like this and vent, thats fair, but don't JUST vent, figure out ways you can maybe make a small change here or there towards achieving your goals.  Doesn't have to be a major change either, small changes add up over time!  Set some goals and work towards those.  Maybe its as simple as going out to an event once a month.  Visiting a forum on writing once a week, etc.

 

16 hours ago, Cub said:

My writing confidence has suffered the last three months as I feel I can't produce anything of substance.  When In try and find escapism in my writing, I second-guess myself because of my doubts and I don't think anything I produce will be of value due to previous experience and uncertainties.

Maybe you won't write the next great novel.  Maybe you won't be Charles Dickens or J.K. Rowling.  I mean if you are thats great, but IMO you should write because you want to write.  It doesn't have to be anything of value, you don't ever have to share it with anyone if you don't want to.  It can all be garbage.   But it can still be FUN.  I love to doodle, I enjoy drawing.  I don't do it a lot these days, but I do enjoy it when I do.  I have no interest/intention of becoming a great artist, I doubt anyone will ever even see most of the things I have sketched/doodled/drawn over the years.  But I had fun doing it.  It doesn't always turn out how I imagine, but thats life, do what you can and see where it takes you.  Do it because you enjoy it. If its ****, its ****.  If its great, its great.  But either way it doesn't mean doing it was a bad idea. You don't owe anyone, not yourself, not the universe to be the most amazing writer ever.  Simply being creative, simply enjoying something, thats enough, thats worthwhile.
 

16 hours ago, Cub said:

I think part of the problem - and I know this is going to sound snobby - is where I've just moved to. I used to live in a house where I had the run of the place; my bedroom and bathroom, kitchen and lounge and now in my new place I'm sort of confined to one area, which I'm having trouble adapting to and everything feels less hygienic somehow; it's a very 'lived-in' family house and I've been feeling homesick for my old place. I know how silly and ungrateful I sound; I'm lucky to have a place to sleep and a roof over my head but it's hard to go from one to the other

Change is hard, and just because you can think of someone or some situation that is worse than your current one doesn't mean that you aren't feeling bad/frustrated because your situation has changed.  its ok to feel that way.  I would recommend though, to try and not focus on the bad stuff all the time.  Try to take a positive outlook, try to focus on what you can control and what is good about your situation most of the time (assuming its not something seriously seriously bad where you need to change things to be safe).  Again, most of the time, its one to still feel frustrated/homesick/etc some of the time, thats normal.

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Thankyou for the words of wisdom, DKSea and for not ridiculing me.

I feel like a rubbish human-being at the moment - looking at my flaws and feeling like a bad friend, a bad sister, a bad daughter, a bad aunty. I'm trying not to vent and to focus on the good things. It's just hard to be caught in my head all the time and forgetting the things that really matter. This morning, I actually tested the curtain rail in my room to see if it would take the weight of a human because my head just feels too heavy and if I end up being in the same anxious state that my grandmother was in her last years, then I don't want to live like that. I just don't know how to get a grip on this thing; my OCD seems to jump on everything I like and it leaves me feeling frustrated and lonely. I'm now playing music and trying to rest, but I hate how I've been feeling. 

For someone who's as socially anxious as I am, I find escapism in my fandom world, but all too often, television shows like Good Omens, which I enjoy greatly, get my OCD going because it's all about theology and religious parody and while I know not to take it too seriously, and that's something I can't control, lines about David Tennant's character being 'unforgiveable' as a demon (a fear that I, as a religious obsessive-compulsive, struggled with for a long time, and can jump on OCD sufferers) really trigger me. Of course, I understand better now, but it's hard to find psychologists with as great an understanding of religious OCD as my first one and it makes me feel isolated and upset. The last few weeks have been hard; I've taken time off work for mental health and have been crying constantly. I know we have to feel the fear and do it anyway, but I'm a mess and I have no idea how to find help. Most therapists don't seem equipped to deal with religious OCD and the one psychologist that did has now retired. It's all very well being told by a professional that nobody is judging me but that's not how I feel.

I'm such a mess at the moment, but thankyou for the kindness. 

C x

 

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