Nostalgia / living in the past

[Mark40]

Morning - I’ve had OCD since I was young, I’m now 40, so it’s been around a few years.

I wanted to share something that I do to so if anyone thinks this is part of my OCD or something different.

I’ll start by saying I have an insecure attachment style and have a deep rooted fear of abandonment.

I have this thing where I seem to often wallow in the past, think about meaningful experiences, the memories, you could call it almost a nostalgia thing. I also like to revisit places that have some meaning to me, even if it’s not necessarily a good memory of that place.

I feel like I’m punishing myself on some level. I’ve only had one short term relationship in my life so far, and although it was short, it was very intense and awoke some deep rooted attachment trauma. Even now, three years later, I still visit the area we used to hang out, walk past pubs we used to go to, etc. It’s like a compulsion. I have to do it to stop me getting anxious. Even though it wasn’t a particularly happy relationship, I still need to wallow and keep it ‘alive’ in my head.

It’s like I have these thoughts and then have to act on them by visiting these places. It’s always baffles me why I do this. I know I don’t need to, but I get a sense of relief and satisfaction from doing it, even though I’m actually making myself sad.

Anyways, I’m not sure if this is OCD related, or more specific to my insecure attachment, but I wanted to put it out there.

Thanks for reading. 

Mark 

 

 

 

[paradoxer]

Sounds obsessional, but not OCD. Neverthess, a habit to break. Nostalgia's never what it used to be. 

[dksea]

17 hours ago, Mark40 said:

It’s like a compulsion. I have to do it to stop me getting anxious.

 

17 hours ago, Mark40 said:

It’s like I have these thoughts and then have to act on them by visiting these places. It’s always baffles me why I do this. I know I don’t need to, but I get a sense of relief and satisfaction from doing it, even though I’m actually making myself sad.

The way you describe it it definitely sounds compulsive.  

 

17 hours ago, Mark40 said:

Anyways, I’m not sure if this is OCD related, or more specific to my insecure attachment, but I wanted to put it out there.

Most likely its not one or the other but both factors contribute to it.    Seldom are our problems in life completely isolated from each other, it all connects, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in larger ones.

[Cub]

You know, Mark, I've been thinking a lot about this post recently and I think it actually really struck a chord with me. I am a very nostalgic person and often look back on the past (especially with my mother gone a few years now) and my family has often commented on me having an excellent memory. I sometimes wonder if it's because, as the youngest, I'm afraid to let go of happier times.

But also, on another level: nine years ago I was doing things that made me happy but kicked my OCD off because I didn't know if it was right or wrong and I got into a bit of a mess. But before I started going downhill, I hold those few precious months of happiness in my mind with reverence and realise I've been guilty of trying to recreate them on some level; trying to make them happen once more. I guess it was just a generally happy time in my life; my Mum and my Nan were both still alive, my grandad had finally passed on after four terrible years suffering the effects of a stroke which had a massive effect on his quality of life, my first niece had just been born and gave me hours of fun as an aunty, and I had just finished a year studying abroad in the States. I was doing these things during that time and my Mum noted how happy I was doing them. So on some level, I've been trying to get back to that even though I'm older now, even though I've changed and adapted, I still seem to be looking back. I wallow in the past; I know I can't revisit it and have to create something new, but it's like I still want to reassure myself I can have that happiness again even though I've changed. Now, I have to accept that things are different and I have to remember what I've learnt and there are some things we simply can't have - but I still long for that happiness and have this obstinate sense of 'Well, why should I hold myself back if it makes me happy?' It's a bit of an ongoing battle.

So, this is to let you know I get it, at least a little, on some level. That feeling of wanting to create something that made you feel so much? I hope I can provide a little help with my perspective, at the very least.

C x

[daja]

I’ve been dwelling on missed opportunities and stupid mistakes for a while now.

EDIT: delete if off topic

Edited February 23, 2020 by daja

[Passenger]

Attachment issues/ fear of abandonment/ deep feelings of guilt over past (even minor) mistakes or ****-ups made.

The past is kind of safe.... you have a sense of being in control there... the future are uncharted waters!

You find this feeling of being in control when you read a book or if you create something.

Creation (playing when you're a kid) is just another form of ordering your experiences.

I have an autobiographic memory and remember every minute detail of my life. I am 63 now.... my long-term memory is getting better and better.

I have learned to embrace my OCD and the solitude it brought me.

My advice..... Treat the past as a parallel dimension...don't fight it, cultivate your past, It's all part of the tapestry that is you!

You'll have the best of both lives.

Good luck!