OCD or shame

[Dave321]

@Polar Bear.  You are not so good at listening yourself.  I have told you repeatedly I haven't gone on Empty Closets since 2014.  Why do you keep saying I am going on there???

The other forum i post on is ocd action as does some other people on this thread.

And I didnt try therapy once.  I went for a whole year and then stopped for a year then had another year off Dr. Phillpsons intern.

 

@paradoxer:   I call them groinal responses or arousal.  It feels like unwanted arousal.

 

@DSKA:  I am not saying being gay is the same as a paedophile. Its either OCD or attraction.   Are you saying people on here tell people its ocd just because being a paedophile is illegal and morally wrong??  And just because being gay is not morally wrong people say its ok to be gay and it may not be ocd.  Its a complete double standard.

What if its just shame?  That BM guy seems to think my problem is shame.

 

 

 

[hazydaze]

@Dave321

You've got some incredible advice on here, and you are blatantly ignoring it all.

Also.. nothing wrong with being gay. What an odd thing to be so afraid of. Just saying. Definitely not worth your panic.

But yes, read and reread the advice. No one is attacking you, but you are choosing to react as though you are being attacked and mistreated. You are twisting words around, and choosing to not take any action to better your situation.

Maybe take some deep breaths, get into a calm state, and try reading the advice again. I do hope that you can turn it around, but it will never happen with your current attitude.

Good luck.

Edited February 18, 2020 by hazydaze

[gingerbreadgirl]

You know that these are unpaid volunteers taking time trying to help you right? Regardless of your situation and your undoubted fear you seem pretty rude, aggressive and ungrateful if I'm honest. 

[dksea]

5 hours ago, Dave321 said:

Are you saying people on here tell people its ocd just because being a paedophile is illegal and morally wrong??  And just because being gay is not morally wrong people say its ok to be gay and it may not be ocd.  Its a complete double standard.

No, that’s not what I said at all. 
The reason people on this forum have told you over and over again that your problem is OCD is because you display all the behaviors and symptoms of an OCD sufferer. It has nothing to do with what your obsession is about (being gay in your case) but the things you say and do.  You can choose to accept the help and wisdom being offered to you or you can ignore it. That’s up to you. Or you can attack them, throw around baseless accusations of “double standards”, and willfully misinterpret what they are saying. Don’t be surprised if people stop responding if you choose the latter path. It’s your choice how you behave and whether you are willing to listen or not.  

[Dave321]

If I made posts on here saying to people with pedo fears that they were indeed a paedophile I would be the bad guy.   Yet I am supposed to not be affected if someone says I am what I fear or that its fine?   How about I tell people they have whatever disease they fear? Or that they actually ran over someone in their car or if they didn;' wash their hands 25 times they will die of disease?

I have some posters saying I am gay and then other posters saying its ocd and I am told I am not listening. I have other voices in my head too. I have feelings then which dont seem to tie in with my bodily sensations.

A voice in my brain constantly tells me I am gay and in denial and I need to give in otherwise I will be tormented forever.  If I allow myself to think its OCD the other voice and the groinals come down like an anvil on that and I am back to square 1.

If I allow myself to think I am gay this horrible black depression comes over me and I feel suicidal.

 

I am being discriminated against because people think I am homophobic because of the nature of my fears and people are deliberately saying things to upset me because they themselves are gay.

[BigDave]

Look, I am not an expert but let’s try and look at this logically. 
As far as you are concerned, the thought of being gay is repulsive/nightmarish right? But you are worried that despite loathing to want to be gay that you are in fact gay? Well, while the two scenarios are not the same, let’s take the POCD example. People who suffer from that THINK/WORRY that they might be that way inclined. Whenever they are in a triggering situation, every single movement in their groin, their feeling at that time makes them freak out because they THINK that it means they must be one. But and the key difference here between a person who is and who isn’t is that someone with OCD is terrified/repulsed by it. The truth is they don’t want any harm to come to someone. And the way in which they overcome their OCD is by actually BEING around kids and realising that actually it’s ok. It’s scary for them but they can do this because they have OCD and are not anything else. 
 

Now, and let me be clear that being gay is not the same as being a pedophile. Love is love at the end of the day. That doesn’t change the fact that some people are scared to come out because of course some people have really bad reactions to it and I can understand how scary that must be. In those instances, the problem is with the people who act wrongly to it, not the gay person. But I digress, the fact is you yourself have clearly stated that the idea of being gay is repulsive to you. That’s your call. Chances are that if you were gay, you would know it. By that, I mean you wouldn’t be wondering about slight arousal. You would be feeling - wow, I really fancy that guy. Again, you wouldn’t be asking us if you were gay. You would know. We can’t decide for you. 
 

One final thing, not all therapists and patients gel. The two people you have seen may not have been right for you. And the fact is, if you don’t do the therapy, you won’t move on from this. I would really recommend that you see someone else if you can’t work with this person. Please also note that I am not saying anymore because a) it’s reassurance and b) every time you ask for our help, you are telling yourself that you can’t trust your own judgement and reinforcing the OCD. 
 

Good luck. 
 

 

[PolarBear]

Telling Dave that being gay is not so bad is exactly like telling a sufferer with pedophile obsessions that being a pedophile is not so bad. In both cases, the sufferer is having intrusive thoughts that they are what they fear and find repulsive.

Dave, you can get mad at us all you want but it won't help you. You should be getting mad at your OCD. Msybe you haven't been on emptyclosets for years but you were, while you were here posting.

This is an OCD support forum. This is not reassurance.com  If you want help with your OCD, ask. But don't think we're going to put up with your ususl antics that you have repeated for more than six years.

[dksea]

6 hours ago, Dave321 said:

If I made posts on here saying to people with pedo fears that they were indeed a paedophile I would be the bad guy.   Yet I am supposed to not be affected if someone says I am what I fear or that its fine?   How about I tell people they have whatever disease they fear? Or that they actually ran over someone in their car or if they didn;' wash their hands 25 times they will die of disease?

I have some posters saying I am gay and then other posters saying its ocd and I am told I am not listening. I have other voices in my head too. I have feelings then which dont seem to tie in with my bodily sensations.

A voice in my brain constantly tells me I am gay and in denial and I need to give in otherwise I will be tormented forever.  If I allow myself to think its OCD the other voice and the groinals come down like an anvil on that and I am back to square 1.

If I allow myself to think I am gay this horrible black depression comes over me and I feel suicidal.

 

I am being discriminated against because people think I am homophobic because of the nature of my fears and people are deliberately saying things to upset me because they themselves are gay.

If you want one answer from one person, then find that one person, ask their opinion and don't talk to anyone else.

I can not control what other people say, either her on this forum or on any other place. I can tell you what I think in my capacity as an OCD sufferer with decades of experience. Thats it.  You can choose to listen to that advice and wisdom or you can ignore it.  Thats your choice.

But ranting about the fact that not everyone is in 100% agreement with how to respond to your questions or concerns (as if that would ever happen) is not going to change anything, its certainly not going to help you.

So I will repeat, the reason *I* and others such as PolarBear tell you your problem is OCD is because of our experience with the disorder, our experience with other people on this forum, and other lifetime experience.  We recognize the symptoms, behaviors, etc.  We offer you that advice under our best faith effort as volunteers on this forum, doing so of our own free time.  We could be doing literally anything else but we choose to be here, choose to try and help people like yourself because we want to and believe it is worthwhile to do so.  If that is not what you are looking for you need to look elsewhere.

 

7 hours ago, Dave321 said:

A voice in my brain constantly tells me I am gay and in denial and I need to give in otherwise I will be tormented forever.  If I allow myself to think its OCD the other voice and the groinals come down like an anvil on that and I am back to square 1.

Yes, we understand this.  No one is suggesting you are making this up, or that its not painful and difficult.  What you describe is exactly what an OCD sufferer experiences.  The core of OCD is that it causes doubt.  Doubt you are experiencing with these intrusive thoughts.  We can help you and give you advice on what to do about it, but its not going to be a magical answer that makes everything stop immediately.  There is a way to overcome this, but it involves patience and persistence.  It involves doing the work INSPITE of these intrusive voices/thoughts/feelings.  Again, if thats not something you are willing to do, that is your choice, but we can't offer anything else.

As an aside, I have literally never heard anyone use the term "groinals" except on OCD forums.  Its yet another reason I believe your problem is OCD.

So as I said before, you can keep being angry and keep railing against supposed discrimination and double standards or you can accept the advice we are offering you and work with us.  That is your choice.  Its on you.  If you are interested in help and willing to do the work I'm happy (and I'm sure others are as well) to do what we can to support you.  If you want to keep attacking us, then I'm going to walk away because there are other people who need help too and I'd rather devote my time to those who are willing to listen.  That is my choice.

 

[Ashley]

On 17/02/2020 at 22:35, Dave321 said:

Why dont you tell the pocd people on here to go and fiddle with kids to see if they like it FFS.  The posts on here will drive me to suicide.

Actually, that is what we do tell people with that obsessive fear to tell themselves (obviously not touch a child, such a comment is actually rather silly).  But we do encourage people with this fear to write down words like 'I am a paedophile' and to verbally say that to themselves.

[Ashley]

22 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I am being discriminated against because people think I am homophobic because of the nature of my fears and people are deliberately saying things to upset me because they themselves are gay.

Have a word with yourself man, nobody is discriminating against you.    For years we have offered practical advice and support based on how we know OCD works, and for years you have ignored all that. Now I accept it's the OCD that may be part of the reason you have ignored that advice, but at some point every single one of us with OCD have to accept responsibility for our recovery. This means reading the right things, saying the right things and listening to the right people and not blaming people for saying things which you (your OCD) does not want to hear.

Part of recovery from OCD is accepting uncertainty. Accepting you might have thoughts you are gay sometimes, that does not mean you are gay, but learning to accept you might get the occasional unwanted thought. The same applies to those with contamination fears, those afraid of being attracted to children and those worries about their sexuality. 

[Dave321]

I am in a bad place at the moment.  A person on ocd action said that people with ocd do not act on their fear and because I masturbated about men it means it is not ocd and that I am gay with shame.  I know of nobody with ocd that does this but me. ITherefore I must not be truly ocd?    I do not look at porn.  I just imagine scenarios in my head and see how aroused it makes me.  I do it in the hope I dont get aroused but I can get aroused and orgasm.  Isn't that proof its not ocd? Even though I told Phillipson this I dare not tell another therapist in case they say something different that makes me want to kill myself.   I dearly want this to be ocd but my mind keeps telling me to search for the truth and that you know you are gay.  All these pop psychologists say to trust your gut instinct.  My gut is telling me I am gay but this makes me enter this really black depression and I start panicking.  I still live at home with my parents. They know my fear of being gay. I dont think I could cope without them supporting me and I spill my fears onto my mother especially.  I honestly really fear for myself in the near future.  If I have to live alone or is I am left without her I think it is possible I could end up harmingmyself  Things look so bleak for me. I dont think I am capable of living with a woman and I certainly dont want to live with a man.  It feels like I am in this horrible situation and there is no way out and that the only way is to embrace what is scaring the **** put of me. But its my worst nightmare.

I am scared I will be discovered to be a fraud like Phillip Schofield.  I dont want to hurt a woman like he has done by living a lie. 

As for the groinals or arousal I experience.  I have health anxiety at times.  When I get a pain or sensation/twinge I initially brush it off. If it keeps happening I start really getting anxious and fearing the worst.  I can kind of see the same pattern with my groin and fearing its a sign I am gay.  But the groinals happen not randomly but in very specific situations like looking at a man or seeing a topless man on tv.   What scares me is this came totally out of the blue. One day age 25 I started fearing being gay because I have erectile dysfunction.  I have had it since I got a bad virus age 19 and had failed attempts at sex in bed with girls.  Then the day after the night being gay first became a fear I started getting groinals.  This was April 2007.   It felt TERRIFYING.  I would be chatting to a guy on the street and this horrifically STRONG sensation would occur in my groin.  It felt like my groin muscles were tightening up and it felt like I was about to ejaculate. I never did but thats how strong it felt.  This was NOT PLEASANT but TERRIFYING.  I was getting sensations in my anus aswell all day everyday that lasted a month or more.

Now the groinals happen standing or sitting close to man or seeing a guy on tv or sometimes just glancing at one.  It never happens with girls.

With girls growing up I would get aroused not just by looking or glancing at girls but if I thought about them sexually it was easy to get aroused. I would fall asleep thinking of girls at night and it was happy thoughts.  Now I still find girls beautiful but its like I feel no sexual urge to do anything with them.  These groinals to men feel like urges but horrible urges.  I dont get an erection but it feels like this horrible sexual energy like my body wants sex but my mind is screaming no.

I dont know whats real or not anymore.  I also feel like what I want in life is irrelevant and that my body will win out in the end.  I should add that kids in school called me gay age 12 for a year and once or twice I think people suspect I am gay because I am constantly single.  I even have been approached by gay guys twice in my life in a pub and niteclub and fear everyone can see I am gay but me and that it must be obvious I am gay to everyone but me.  I have never kissed a guy in my life not want to.  I have had sex with 5 women in my life but die to my erectile dysfunction need viagra or cialis to help me.  I just fear I am a total closet case and end up like Schofield. When I try masturbating about men I dot get properly hard either but fear if I was with a guy it would work but I will never know because I will never do it (I hope). My fear is one day giving in and doing it and then feel suicidal.  I cant even tell you why I am so afraid of it. I just am.

[felix4]

Hey Dave, 

I see that you have had treatment in the past, but when was the last time that you were assessed by a psychiatrist?

It could be that you have something else co-morbid going on, such as psychotic depression & need medication.

 

 

 

[hazydaze]

2 hours ago, Dave321 said:

All these pop psychologists say

Why are you peforming compulsions still? You yourself are aware that you aren't even reading helpful material. Read up on CBT. Check yourself into the psych ward if you are feeling like you are a danger to yourself (or others). Start taking steps to help yourself. Regardless of your fear, yours happens to be a fear of homosexuality, all OCD generally works the same way. As has been said to you probably countless times, you are displaying symptoms of OCD. We can't sit here and tell you with absolute certainty YOU ARE NOT GAY or YOU DONT HAVE OCD or vice versa. (Though it's pretty safe to say that you at least somewhat suffer from OCD.) You NEED to start being ok with uncertainty. OCD is all about the strive for wanting absolute certainty, but accept that you can't have it. You basically never have it, if you actually think about how life works. And that's ok!

Stop doing compulsions, stop going on multiple forums and posting all day. Reach for support yes, but your posts are clearly very reassurance seeking. (I totally get it, I've been there.) But time to change. One step at a time! Eventually the thoughts are going to start to dissipate, your life will start falling into place. It'll be fine. As long as you listen to the advice that works. Enough "pop psychology."

Take care.

PS - I promise you that the advice isn't going to change. We might get better at it, and psychologists one day might find some new breakthrough therapy, but for now. It's all about that CBT and exposure therapy. And DO. NOT. PERFORM. COMPULSIONS. NO. MATTER. WHAT. 

You can keep going around and around and when I log on in ten years I'll still see you making the same posts, or you could start living your life!! Good luck!

 

Edited February 19, 2020 by hazydaze

[dksea]

5 hours ago, Dave321 said:

A person on ocd action said that people with ocd do not act on their fear and because I masturbated about men it means it is not ocd and that I am gay with shame.  I know of nobody with ocd that does this but me. ITherefore I must not be truly ocd?

This is bad logic.  
First, why is what one person said on another site absolute gospel, but what multiple people here on this site telling you different you refuse to believe it?  Thats the doubt that is at the core of OCD at work.
Second, even if you never meet or hear of another person who does something that you do, that is not proof its not OCD.  Thats like me saying "I've never met someone who has been to the moon, therefore no one has been to the moon."  It doesn't work that way.
 

5 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I just imagine scenarios in my head and see how aroused it makes me.  I do it in the hope I dont get aroused but I can get aroused and orgasm.  Isn't that proof its not ocd?

No, because testing like this is a compulsion, and its ineffective as a response for OCD.  Whether or not you get aroused and whether or not you have OCD are not the same thing.  
 

5 hours ago, Dave321 said:

It feels like I am in this horrible situation and there is no way out

Yes, it is a horrible situation, but there is a way out, one that is backed by decades of evidence and experience.  It is not easy, but it works if you stick with it and do the work required.
 

5 hours ago, Dave321 said:

Now the groinals happen standing or sitting close to man or seeing a guy on tv or sometimes just glancing at one.  It never happens with girls.

Yes, this is what happens when you fear something, you respond to that fear, and the more you fear it the more you respond to it.  Despite its sometimes mocked mainstream use these days, its called being triggered and its a very real thing.  It doesn't surprise me in the least you have this kind of response because its a topic you are literally obsessing over.  It does not mean you are or are not gay, you can't draw that kind of conclusion from this because it is so heavily laden with OCD fear right now.  You have become hyper-aware of anything "groinal" (again a term I've literally never heard anyone utter outside the OCD community) and therefore react to it in a very feedback loop/spiral sort of fashion.
 

5 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I should add that kids in school called me gay age 12 for a year and once or twice I think people suspect I am gay because I am constantly single.

If every kid who was teased for being gay was gay, then basically the entire planet would be gay.  Thats meaningless.  And being single is meaningless when it comes to determining orientation.  There are gay people who are not single (obviously) and there are straight people who are (obviously) and vice versa.  Its not related one bit.

Look, I could go through this post with a fine toothed comb and respond bit by bit to every thing you are saying but its not going to make you "feel" certain.  Nothing anyone here says will make this magically stop for you.  Honestly I wish it would, for your sake, for all our sake.  Whatever your problem is (I strongly suspect OCD is heavily involved, perhaps there are other issues you are dealing with) your best bet is professional help.  I am sorry you haven't gotten to where you want to be with that before, but that still remains the best option for you.  Yes it can be scary and challenging, but it also offers hope.  Right now you are living in fear of the worst outcome, but what about living in hope at the better possible outcomes?  It doesn't have to be this way but until you start changing how you think and react to the situation it will almost certainly not change.  It may not seem like it but you have the power to make a difference here. You don't have to do it alone, but you do have to do it.

[PolarBear]

Dave, everything you wrote in your latest post points to OCD. Again. Still. 

Edited February 20, 2020 by PolarBear

[dksea]

P.S.  The compelling need to explain, especially in detail, the "unique" situation you are in, why you fear what you fear, etc. is a very very VERY common OCD behavior.  I see it on the forums all the time, I have done it myself.  Its usually driven by the same doubt/sense of incompletion/fear that drives the rest of OCD, the idea that "maybe I didn't explain myself well enough" or "if I just explain it everyone will understand and tell me the answer", etc.  You don't need to explain your situation in detail over and over even though it feels like you must.  As in most situations in life, the little details are far less important than you think.  We get the big picture, and those of us who have been around for awhile definitely know the small picture of your situation both from your explanations in the past and the general experience we have with others and ourselves.  Its a compulsion.  You should work on reducing/stopping it.

[Ashley]

15 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I am scared I will be discovered to be a fraud like Phillip Schofield.

Schofield, as annoying as he is, isn't a fraud though. I read that he knew he was gay before he married his wife all those years ago, but back then being gay was still not widely accepted.  

 

16 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I dont know whats real or not anymore.

Your problem seems to be not so much that you are gay, but that you 'might' be gay, which is what OCD is all about, worrying about the possibility of something.  The fact is that you are constantly checking and carrying out compulsions if you are gay and doubting if its OCD is what reinforces the fear and worry and doubts.  Until you take proactive steps to cease the compulsions/checks then nothing will change and the obsessions will get worse.

I am not suggesting for one minute this will be easy, but some people can make life easier for themselves and some people make life harder for themselves by their actions. 

If you want change, you have to make change happen.

 

 

[Dave321]

Could I just be like one of those gay guys who can;t accept his sexuality like those religious pastors in America or something though??  Do they not go through the same torment? Maybe I am just so closed minded I cant accept myself and never will??

 

I did the homework Phillispon gave me. It didnt really help.   IF it was ocd surely this fear would have passed by now after the work I did or even just growing tired from it?   It must be real if I cant move on from this after 13 years.

I am too scared tand not in a financial position to get therapy.  I am too scared that if I see someone new they will say I am gay and I will end up committing suicide or something.  In fact one of the reason this all started was when my GP sent me to a family psychologist in 2005 when I told him I had erectile dysfunction.  Being gay never crossed my mind and I was 24 at the time.  The first thing he says to em is ''are you gay?'' When I said no he said ''how do you know?''

what kind of ***** is that??  I thought the first rule of medicine was ''first do no harm''.   I dont like psychologists or anyone else psychoanalysing me.  I am afraid they will discover things about me I dont want to know.

 

[Ashley]

1 hour ago, Dave321 said:

I did the homework Phillispon gave me. It didnt really help.  

Then maybe it's time to find a different, a better therapist. There are many OCD specialists here in the UK (via the NHS) who I would recommend long before I would recommend working with a US therapist remotely. 

1 hour ago, Dave321 said:

Could I just be like one of those gay guys who can;t accept his sexuality like those religious pastors in America or something though??

Yes you could.

Could you be someone with just severe OCD?  Yes you could.

Is it ok to have thoughts we might be gay? Yes it is.   Does that mean we might be gay? No it doesn't. 

Is it ok for someone to ask you if you are gay?  Yes.  Does that mean you might be gay? No it doesn't.

I think I have said this to you before, forget being gay or not gay, forget the H part of HOCD it's 100% unhelpful, you have to focus on the fact you have OCD, that's the problem, not if you are gay or not.

 

[dksea]

12 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I did the homework Phillispon gave me. It didnt really help.

Maybe that particular homework wasn't the best fit for you.
Maybe you weren't in a good place to take it on and progress.
Maybe you didn't keep up with it long enough to see significant results.
Maybe you needed more help but stopped too early.

Overcoming OCD is hard, I wish it wasn't, but it is.  Changing how you react, how you think, etc. takes commitment and time, a willingness to keep going even when you mess up, etc.  In a way its like stopping smoking, most people who try take multiple attempts before they succeed.
 

12 hours ago, Dave321 said:

IF it was ocd surely this fear would have passed by now after the work I did or even just growing tired from it?   It must be real if I cant move on from this after 13 years.

Unfortunately this type of faulty logic is one that OCD sufferers often fall prey to (which keeps us stuck sadly) but its not actually accurate.  
Why must it be real if you can't move on?  There are many other (and better IMO) explanations for why you can't just move on.
If its really OCD and you haven't been taking the proper actions it would remain as well.  OCD doesn't just fade because you grow tired from it, if that were true we'd all be cured by now, trust me I was tired of my OCD after far less than 13 years (more like 13 days or even 13 minutes!).  OCD gets better when you work at changing how you think and react, otherwise its very likely you are keeping it "alive" through your compulsions and responses.  If anything, OCD will get worse over time if not dealt with properly.  So no, the fact that it is still affecting you after all this time would be completely inline with it being OCD.
 

12 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I am too scared that if I see someone new they will say I am gay and I will end up committing suicide or something. 

I understand these kind of fears, I've had them myself.  I've been utterly terrified to admit my fears to a therapist (or anyone) for fear of "what if" consequences.  however the fact that the idea of suicide causes you distress, to me, points more towards OCD than anything else again.  Its another fear that is being exaggerated by the OCD, same with the fear of being gay.

No one will ever be able to demonstrate to you with 100% certainty any of the things you fear are not possible.  No one can do that with ANYTHING in the universe.  There is always a "what if" possibility.  Overcoming OCD is accepting that reality and living with probably not absolutely.  

 

12 hours ago, Dave321 said:

In fact one of the reason this all started was when my GP sent me to a family psychologist in 2005 when I told him I had erectile dysfunction.  Being gay never crossed my mind and I was 24 at the time.  The first thing he says to em is ''are you gay?'' When I said no he said ''how do you know?''

what kind of ***** is that??  I thought the first rule of medicine was ''first do no harm''. 

There is nothing untoward about this, being gay would be one possible reason why a person might have trouble being sexually aroused by the opposite gender after all, and asking questions to try and understand or get you to think is how the doctor gathers information.  For the vast majority of people this question would not trigger an OCD type response, they wouldn't still be dwelling on it years later.  You are and thats unfortunate but it does not mean the doctor was wrong to ask the question, especially if they had no idea you had OCD.

 

 

 

[Closed for repairs]

The OCD bit is the worry, the anxiety.

I mean physically it's easy, you don't want to have sex with men, then don't, I've gone years with out accidentally having sex with a man, to be fair I'm pretty good at avoiding it with women as well.

Stuffering from erectile dysfunction, sucks, and can have lots of causes, some physical, some mental.

In your particular case being asked if you were gay was not helpful.

You have now got yourself into such a state, that your physical responses are not particularly revealing. When I was younger, I could get an erection just thinking about getting an erection, and yes it was always at the wrong time. Nowadays I wish that were the case.

Having a ****, to check if it is a "proper erection", is pretty much self fulfilling.

The kids at school called you gay.... Well kids do that...

One boy at school called me poopy pants for years...

I don't suppose any of this is helpful, and some of it is reassurance.

But it's not that people don't emphasize.

[Dave321]

Thanks for the replies.  I was the same being able to get an erection just on demand.  Maybe that was why I thought I was straight?? Maybe I could get an erection to anything at that age??  Now I am olde maybe it doesnt arouse me and if I was with a man it would???   I am so scared that this might be the case but I never want to experiment to find out.   Does that make me a closet case?

I find it so hard to see it as ocd because it all seems so logical and plausible to me. 

As for being called gay in school, I just heard an interview by chance wih some gay guy who said he was called gay and fag in school and didn't know why and he went on to be gay.  I had to turn it off because I was afraid I would recognise myself in his story. 

I feel like the biggest closet case in the world. I f:eel like I am a liar and a fraud.   :(

[paradoxer]

On 18/02/2020 at 18:08, dksea said:

As an aside, I have literally never heard anyone use the term "groinals" except on OCD forums.  Its yet another reason I believe your problem is OCD.



 

Yes, exactly, groinal response etc.  ... it's the lexicon of OCD cliche. Instead of getting irate some sufferers might try to develop a sense of irony. Without it, they're inclined to flounder. 

[dksea]

7 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I find it so hard to see it as ocd because it all seems so logical and plausible to me.

Yes, many OCD sufferers feel this way, it’s one of the common aspects of OCD. It affects you’re ability to accurately judge risk and probability, ergo your sense of what is logical and plausible are compromised. 

Think of it like this, imagine you were following the directions on your phone. Only it turns out your phones compass is broken. You’re following the directions and ending up going in the wrong direction. Saying “it seems so logical to me” is like saying “the map on my phone is showing me this is the right way to go”. The map can be wrong. What you perceive as being plausible can be wrong.

[Dave321]

Can your gut feeling be wrong? Right now its telling me I am gay and all this 'ocd' is me whinging about it and eventually I will come to accept it.