3 steps forward, 2 steps back

[Saz]

Hi everyone. 

I am doing much, much better these days, I feel I've made really good progress, but as the title suggests, I seem to get dragged back every so often. I don't feel I am anywhere near back to square one (and pray I never am), I do feel I am more in control of this, but I hate the way I get pulled back time and time again. 

Things in my personal life have been going really well I am happy to say, but all of a sudden when I least expect it I'll get a flash in my mind saying 'don't forget about what you have done' and my heart sinks so much. I have been doing good to push it away and carry on but ultimately I feel like a massive fraud. I still get terribly anxious when I hear police cars and still constantly check that my friend is still my friend and she hasn't 'found anything out'. It's just soul destroying and I don't know what to do. X

Edited February 18, 2020 by Saz

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi saz

Nice to hear from you  

I'm really glad things are going well for you personally - you really deserved a break! And I'm also really glad you're doing so much better with your ocd. 

Those heart-sink moments are horrible and you're doing really well to just carry on anyway. 

I can see you're still doing a few compulsions around this though which is keeping it going in your mind. Like constantly checking your friend is OK with you. What do you do when you hear a police siren, do you think about it or ruminate on it? 

It will take time to get there and I think 3 steps towards 2 back is normal. You're still making progress. Just be careful not to slip back now you're experiencing this anxiety. Allow it to pass, it will in time. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You're doing really well x 

[taurean]

Saz we will all get these occasional intrusions on our theme. 

What we need to do is just think "oh that's just my silly obsession again" and ignore it. When we give it some belief, then carry out compulsions, it will create an anxiety cycle. 

Same with police sirens - treat, if they bother you, as an intrusion, "just your silly obsession" and get on with what you are doing. 

The better you get at this, the less such things will bother you. 

[Saz]

Thank you both for your kind replies. I hope you are both doing well. 

Yes I do feel I've been on top of this but when it takes me by surprise, I immediately think I've just been blocking this all out, or if I read a news article on the same subject I freak and it reinforces my fears. I am deep down so petrified that my worry will prove to be real and my life ruined and that of my kids and family x

[Orwell1984]

Hi Saz brilliant how you’re making progress! These sinking feelings of anxiety are bumps in the road. Ground rules for yourself to get past the bumps: no checking, no analysing and no reassurance seeking. Good to see you  

[PolarBear]

Hey Saz. I don't know if you read my book, but I was branded a pedophile by media and msny in my community. I had a three year long court case. I hated police sirens. I was in a delicate way.

But one day, I said screw it. I'm not going to go through life looking over my shoulder and wondering what prople thought of me. I simply refused to go there. And I started living again.

I'll tell you something. 40 years from now, you will not sit back and think, I'm sure glad I spent the last 4 decades worrying.

[hazydaze]

Hey Saz! 

So happy for you that you've made progress.

Like the others are saying, that's completely normal. We all get intrusions on our themes. Even though it shoots you into a state of panic sometimes, still do whatever you can to not perform compulsions. And if you do start ruminating or anything, just gently bring yourself back and remind yourself, "that is simply an OCD thought and those are simply feelings coming with it." Even if you feel guilty, it won't kill you, just allow the feelings, and the thoughts to be. Don't dive into them. They will pass, I promise.

Trust me, I know that's sooooo much easier said than done. It takes lots of practice, but it sounds like you're well on your way! 

Best wishes my friend x

Edited February 19, 2020 by hazydaze

[Binxy]

Hi Saz, nothing to add to the above. It's great that you've made some progress- keep it up!

Binx

[Saz]

Hiya, wow its so lovely to see all these replies, I class every single one of you a lovely friend and I value all the advice given to me. 

I am getting very good at telling these thoughts to go away and most of the time I can move on and carry on my day as normal. I have even questioned why I'm writing again in the forums but I guess the truth is I am absolutely petrified, deep down, that this worry/fear is still real and that my life will come all unravelling and it will cause the most pain and distress for everyone. X

 

 

[taurean]

That's exactly it. 

The core belief behind all the fear is that what your obsessional thinking is telling you is true, and that catastrophe will follow. 

You need to let go of this fear the same way that Binxy  did. She believed it was all make believe and recovered from it. 

Catastrophic thinking is absolute part and parcel of OCD. There is the falsehood followed by the fear reaction, the catastrophic thinking reaction and up can start another cycle of anxiety and distress that upsets our health and happiness. 

 

[Binxy]

...and whilst you're worrying yourself with this Saz, you're not living your life as well as you could be (and deserve to). Your response to this is probably what I would have said 5 years ago i.e. "How can I let it go when if I think I might have done something so horrible"... why? Because it's part of the condition. It's OCD. So you must treat it like OCD and let go of all the false stuff that it's feeding you. The more you do this, the easier it will get.

"What if something horrible from my past that I can't be sure happened catches up with me in the future". Well, in the extremely unlikely event that something has happened (don't let this sentence trigger you)- deal with it then... not now, on the off chance that something might possibly, but most likely didn't, happen.

Taurean- dude, I'm a dude!

 

 

Edited February 20, 2020 by Binxy

[Saz]

Thank you and I do apologise for the late replies. I don't want to become obsessed with the forums again (I mean that in the nicest possible way). So I'm kind of leaving a bit of breathing space in between reading and responding.

It's just so hard to not think that I'm blocking the truth out. I am still very easily triggered by news articles also. I guess I am doing a lot better, it's just not letting myself ruminate, because the minute I do that I'm going back to square one x

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Saz

[Saz]

I know this is going to sound crazy to mist of you but my friend messaged toa say she had a dream about me last night and I was so upset and crying in it. Feel a bit freaked out that it related to this and she has had a premonition of what's to come. She is like and believes in all that kind of stuff, she says her dreams come true a lot of the time. I understand this is almost laughable but it's causing me a great deal of worry, it's been there most of the day x