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Women's advice please


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Hi all

In 2009 I chested on my soul mate, if I was given the choice to lose every limb to go back in time I would,to see the pain in her eyes and knowing I caused it will haunt me until the day I die,I was parraletic, that's not an excuse its what happened, I told her the next morning and have taken whatever anger she needed to release rightfully so. 

So we had an argument the other day,I don't remember saying these 2 lies,I told her every graphic detail she needed to know but in a desperate attempt to keep her I said it wasn't me who made the first move and it just happened when it was, and that I stopped it by realising I loved her, when in fact it had already stopped. 

I have been a good man since and will never hurt her again but should I tell her these to points or just let it die,people may think I couldn't love her to have done this but I honestly love her more than anything

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I know it's disgusting what I did just don't know if I should bring these details up or not,it would never happen again,don't know who I became that night, I know this isn't ocd but it's just those 2 points,I don't know why I said I stopped it and I didn't make the first move,she knows every detail of what phisicly happened but maby I should tell her these other points

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Hi Matie. OK, I'm not a woman, but i don't think I need to be. This was 2009, there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then and she's stuck by you all of the way. I don't know if everyone will agree with me, but I think this is a problem with forgiving yourself, alongside the usual obsession you have with regards to confessing to your other half. It's just another angle for the OCD to creep in I think. Let it go dude.

Binx

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Than binx

It is so in the past and we are in a good place, don't know why I said those things though, maby to try and lessen the blow to her,can't help feeling she should know these points as it's real but also know it would hurt her all over again, we've both agreed the past is dead but I shouldn't have made myself appear more innocent than I was, I adore the ground she walks on, just want to be as true as I can

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you are very black and white about moral issues BT - you always use extreme terms like vile/monster/etc. etc.

There is a significant grey in anyone's life.  It's inescapable and yes there is uncertainty attached to it, that's life.  You have to learn to tolerate the discomfort around this or you will repeat this pattern forever. 

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so what's the alternative?

You tell her you've got something to say, you bring up probably quite an upsetting incident that she's put to bed and make it fresh again, adding some new information which may upset her even more.

You reinforce your OCD, and then end up spiralling onto something else.  Before you know it you're onto the next theme - and because you've confessed this time, you're much more likely to confess next time to the next "topic of the moment" which also may or may not upset her.

Who benefits in this scenario? Your partner? Nope. You? Nope. Anyone? Nope.

Confessing this would be selfish, you would be doing it in the hope of that rush of relief, of feeling like you've got it off your chest, at your partner's expense. 

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If you hadn't told her about the cheating at all then perhaps there might be something to say (Although again there are no rules in life only judgments). But you were honest with her immediately - the details and the ins and outs are basically irrelevant certainly ten years later. The fact is you cheated - regardless of who made the first move, even if it had been her you still chose to reciprocate - you made a mistake, you were honest and told your partner straight away, she was upset then forgave you and she's now marrying you. 

Do not let ocd rehash this. 

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Come on, man! This is the 50th time (sure feels like it) that you've posted something similar. You get reassurance and advice every time. Have we ever advised you to confess?

But every time you get a thought about cheating, you revert to the same old bad behavior and come running here, looking for reassurance again.

Honestly, it's time you wizened up and realize ALL these thoughts are intrusive and not to be messed with. ALL of them. Got that?

You can't recover if we have to hold your hand every time you get a bad thought. You've got to make your own decision not to engage with the thoughts and get on with your life.

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5 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

There are no universal "rules" about anything 

There are however things you should and shouldn't do with regards to ocd 

Brilliant point.  Please read this and then read it again @battlethrough.  It is a key piece of advice you should embrace fully.

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