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Women's advice please


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5 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Arnt there things that should be confessed, like the lies

Look it depends on your relationship & what rules you have discussed with the other person. 

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I'm sorry to those who try to support me, it must be so frustrating, I really am ready to go,the good times last a little, the pain and guilt and torture last forever. I have been wreckless in this life but over all I think I have a good heart just a terrible head, can't go on like this, many meds, many phyces and I still get caught out by this awful illness. 

Me and my partner have been in an amazing love bubble for the last month.then this forgotten stuff comes back, I know I always say this theme is the worst etc etc,but having a sudden shock to what I did, first I was disgusting to cheat then when I admit it I change exactly what happened to some how save face, it was me that made a move, I said it just happened from both sides,and I didn't stop it but I said I did right at the end,I don't think my partner really believed all of it because things didn't add up, I thought it was buried,I honestly feel I'm living a lie and she and myself would be better off if I was dead

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Come on dude- you've been here before and let go, remember how you recovered. When you come out of the OCD fog, you'll realise that the advice folks have given is spot on. I went through he same phase with my other half when I was unwell .... I would walk down the street confessing every time that I even looked at another woman, everytime I had spoke to a woman at work, laughed or joked etc. This is in the past, done. Cut it loose and let it go.

 

 

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Thanks binx, I know I do some people's head in on here, always feels different and worse when I'm in the fog,I think because its connected to something real it adds more power,basicly my partner had been texting a bloke and I thought some of the texts didn't add up,wasn't snooping it pinged and I saw,when I said it she said we'll things don't add up with that night 11 years ago when you told her you stopped cos u love me then ended up upstairs, booom. 

It's been so long and when I told her It broke her heart,finding it hard to accept I made out a slightly different story, it's like I know I can't confess because it would continue to be needed until no details were left,can't change the past but I shouldn't have alters the truth even though I told her everything physical that happened it's the details of the begging and end I had trouble saying as if to lessen my blame. 

Trying to sit with the discomfort but this is very real and not just intrusive thoughts,don't know if this one will shift

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you're not doing anyone's head in BT, except your own! We've all been there - OCD is nauseatingly repetitive. 

Every time you've ever come to the forum about a theme you have always thought the current one is the worst one ever.  We all do! because that's how it works.

I can virtually guarantee that your partner will have certain details she hasn't told you or has altered in order to save face/not hurt you/avoid embarrassment etc. The important detail was the one you were completely honest with her about, immediately after it happened, and a whole load of people are not like that after cheating.  

I have been there with the confessing.  Remembering details after, thinking "oh i need to confess that too", thinking if you can just get everything out there eventually you'll feel clean and like a good person again.  but you can NEVER do that, there will ALWAYS be something else.  If you tell her this, you'll remember some other detail that wasn't quite right, then another, then something else.  

it isn't kind to confess things to your partner, it isn't honourable, it's playing OCD's game and your partner suffers as a result. 

You already know the things you should be honest about - and you did it already, you were honest about cheating.  That came from you, not OCD.

Honesty is important in a relationship but as with anything else you cannot be 100% perfectly honest at all times, it would be an awful way to live! If your partner came and laid out every single detail you might not want to hear, every thought every fantasy every little lie or ommission, you'd be begging her to stop!!

That is how normal people live.  They aim for a decent and appropriate amount of honesty.  They are flexible and not black-and-white about it.  They practise kindness and good judgement rather than inflexible dogma.

Let this go.  Move forward with your life. 

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Your partner clearly loves you and she'll love you for all the amazing qualities you have. She doesn't expect you to be perfect, none of us are. You did the honourable thing in telling her. The rest is just scuff kicked up by ocd it doesn't matter, leave it be, whenever you find yourself thinking about it nudge your attention onto something else. Eventually it will fade. 

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Thanks gbg

I think because she brought it up I feel like I confused her more because she never understood how I said I'd stopped it but never carried on, I don't know maby she didn't believe me anyway, feel like a deceiver but your correct, I can't confess, it would be selfish, hard to distract myself when I'm with her though x

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Every relationship and every human being has imperfections, little mistakes/falsehoods/flaws or whatever and your partner will be no different. The key is to not let these be big ones which is what would have happened if you didn't tell her about the cheating. But you did. The rest is detail. 

When you're with her and it pops into your mind don't dwell or ruminate, just leave it alone and force your mind onto something else no matter how difficult. It can feel like you're forcing your brain kicking and screaming but it gets easier. 

You will never ever be able to solve this through compulsions, whether ruminating, confessing or reassurance seeking on here. You must leave it alone. 

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Two things.

You have brought up here, literally dozens of instances over the years. Each one was the worst, caused you tremendous guilt. Have we EVER told you one of them was not due to OCD? Think about that. This is your theme. You get obsessions that you have cheated on your partner. They cause you to feel guilt. You ruminate endlessly. You always want to confess. You come here looking for reassurance. It's that way, every time. You need to start seeing this. You need to see the pattern.

What in the world is genuine guilt? What does that mean? Are you looking for permission to punish yourself? Why? Where is it written you need to punish yourself for perceived wrongs? You're allowed to let things go.

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I know it's frustrating that I just can't get it, I do try, I feel so weak of this all. 

I try not to ruminate, it goes round and round, I can't distract, all my brains saying is I confessed the physical but I told lies about how it started and how it finished,I can't help it, it's just constant.i want to beat it I really do and by genuine I mean not false as in I should have revealed the whole sinario with truth and that I've deceived my partner again by not being 100 percent honest, I know I'm ****, I can't help it

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It doesn't matter. You are carrying out rumination just thinking about that. 

Your way forward is not to give in to the OCD. It exaggerates the importance of things anyway and focuses on us feeling bad. 

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