Women's advice please

[gingerbreadgirl]

Do you see how the theme has changed again, all of a sudden it's moved from what you may or may not have said after cheating, to this thing about lying on a girl's bed - every time you have a new theme it is the most important thing ever. You need to realise that they are all the same. Stop playing ocd's game! 

[battlethrough]

Aagh,I could read someone else's post and get it,with me though I think there was real intent by lying on the bed, I think I got startled and got off quick, just knowing I had bad Unfaithful Again intentions doesn't sit well,how the hell do you live in the moment without the dirt from my past chaining me there

[battlethrough]

And to top it off I've got a holiday dew so I can't even hide away at work, dreading it

[Binxy]

Same theme, different day mate.

The "tainted my relationship" thing struck a chord with me- it won't feel like this forever, as long as you do the right things. The amount of times I decided to split up with my OH because I thought it was the only way to stop the worry/obsession that I'd cheated on her. It was bad in 2014. Not an issue int he slightest now. Don't play OCD's game BT.

[battlethrough]

Thanks binx

Thing is you had a fear that you had cheated whereas I have, and then after we had healed got so drunk and led on this bed most probably to cheat again, I haven't drank shots sinse that night because shots change me into this awful person, really having trouble as I had hurt her once then stupidly got my self in suuch a state to have drunkenly intended to hurt her again,how anyone could have a full blown affair baffles me as this stupid inention is killing me

[battlethrough]

Forget that, just messed up

[PolarBear]

I'll tell you what your problem is: ruminating. It seems automatic but it's a compulsion and you can learn to control it.

[Binxy]

18 hours ago, battlethrough said:

you had a fear that you had cheated whereas I have

Not quite true. I was convinced I had- the fact that I couldn't remember meant that I couldn't prove I hadn't. It felt real enough and the guilt was crippling. An obsession is an obsession. I can't give you the reassurance that you need. You've got to learn how to handle this when the anxiety is so high. Are you still getting some help with your OCD?

[battlethrough]

No mate, I had goodish phyce 2 years ago who made me see a little clearer the workings and how all my compulsions come back to false belief that I am a vile person,the sessions were limited, it did help but I didn't really get a lot of help from ruminati g, it is the big one, I feel so powerless and don't have the skill set to stop, I try meditation and distraction but it's to ingrained,sick of feeling the need to confess, sick of these constant memories of indescretions,wish I could let them all go

[battlethrough]

Going to try harder, I know I can't confess, analysing is pointless, I'm going to try and just observe, no reassurance,I'm thinking the best way to get over this is to try and do nothing to fight it, scary but whatever choice do I have

[dksea]

16 hours ago, battlethrough said:

but I didn't really get a lot of help from ruminati g, it is the big one, I feel so powerless and don't have the skill set to stop, I try meditation and distraction but it's to ingrained,sick of feeling the need to confess, sick of these constant memories of indescretions,wish I could let them all go

I found the Four Steps method as laid out in Brain Lock by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz particularly helpful in dealing with rumination myself.  Its definitely a process to break the habit of rumination.  Its something you need to be actively working on in order for things to really change, especially at first.  You can find information about the Four Steps on the web if you don't have the book, but if you can afford it I highly recommend the book, it was a great tool for me in battling my own OCD.

[battlethrough]

Thanks, I have tried 4 step before,I found it absolutely exhausting as I was doing it constantly,but I'll try, the need to confess these real events is quite crippling atm

[battlethrough]

I just don't know how to get  past this, I am trying the techniques but I am so tired,I had this regret in 2018, and it got taken over by something else yet its come back and that makes me think its something that needs to be shared, I know confession is the wrong thing for ocd and I know these things were many years ago but the guilt feels like yesterday and I although we were in a bad place the way I behaved was awful and it breaks my heart to think how I was. 

As you know I cheated and confessed, then on 2 occasions both after being extremely drunk I pursued the same person that cheated with. 

Once by laying on her bed for 30 seconds before leaving and another time seeing through a window and trying a door. 

I know I am just rehashing all these things again and I know how frustrating it is for the people who support me on here, believe me I am as sick of it. 

But putting these incedents all together and not isolating one incedent these things are unacceptable. 

I honestly can't understand how alcohol could change me so much from a man who truly loves his partner into someone behaving in a way I find disgusing

I can't get it out of my head I should be honest but I know it will muck everything up

Sorry to all for being a pain, I have to wait 8months for more therapy and don't know where to turn. 

[battlethrough]

Despite anything, I was a sleeze, think she deserves better

[battlethrough]

Can't stand it, these are 2 genuine wrong doings, how do I find the strength not to confess,I'm just a shell of the man I was

[battlethrough]

Sorry, I'm just reinforcing it all,in a bit of a panic there is to many things getting on top of me for how I've behaved

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi BT

I'm sorry you're struggling so much.  i've been there with a very similar theme and it sucks.  The urge to confess can be overwhelming... but, don't.  Honestly, don't do it, no matter how much your brain is yelling at you, don't. 

if you can't tolerate the idea of not confessing, just agree with yourself to not confess right now, agree with yourself that you will do something else and leave this be long enough for your brain to cool off.  Just leave it be for now.  

You're full of doubt and discomfort I know, but the one thing that is certain is this: the more you do compulsions, the worse you will feel.  You will never EVER solve this through a compulsion - and that includes confessing, analysing, ruminating, reassurance-seeking on here, etc. 

If you confess this to her, then as sure as night follows day, something else will come along which you will need to confess. It is never-ending until you decide to put a stop to it. 

Doing this kind of thing can break relationships.  You deserve better than that and so does your partner. Starting down this confession path would hurt her far more than any of your supposed crimes. 

So go and do something else, leave this alone, let it have a tantrum in your brain and do something else, give your brain chance to cool down. 

[battlethrough]

Oh gbg I'm in tears,I'm such a mess,I know I haven't had a full blown affair but like I said above there are so so many little things I've been so thoughtless and selfish about, I was forgiven and weather drunk or not to pursue it again more than once, I can't see anything possative, nothing happened again but I was putting myself in positions where I could have,I have to wait 8 months for therapy, I don't know how I'm going to get through this

[battlethrough]

I'm just going to shut up, must be doing everyone's head in, same old same old, why can't I just get it like other people who have recovered, I try and try, it's like being possesed

[gingerbreadgirl]

You're not doing anyone's head in. We've all been there - I've gone round in more circles than I can count, and still do.

How you doing now? x 

[PolarBear]

2 hours ago, battlethrough said:

I'm just going to shut up, must be doing everyone's head in, same old same old, why can't I just get it like other people who have recovered, I try and try, it's like being possesed

There is one reason and one reason only why you keep getting caught in the OCD trap: because every time you get an intrusive thought, you do the same old compulsions. 

Stop the compulsions, get out of the trap.

[battlethrough]

Its not going away, every morning I wake up and these real events hit me until I sleep

[PolarBear]

There is nothing real about what your mind is doing. It's all fake. It's only a problem because you take it seriously and endlessly do compulsions. 

[battlethrough]

Oh pb, you have been here on this site since the beginning, I'm so lost in the fog, I'm just reliving these mistakes I've made,I did lay on the bed with bad intent I believe and tried to get in the house with intent, I'm so stuck, I can't confess, I can't change those 2 drunken nights, I don't googl, I've resisted reassurance from friends,im so done with the guilt, my partner holds me at night and all I think is I don't deserve her and if only she new etc etc,I feel that the things I did are pretty much as bad as cheating twice more because drunk or not I went there with intent, can't believe I pushed it aside for so long

[bluegas]

Hi battlethrough every time I read one of your threads it’s like finally reading about somebody who has an identical brain to me !! I know that’s not a good thing but ur not alone !! I’m very happily married but I’ve made loads of mistakes and put my wife through lots of ****... but right or wrong we are all human and everyone mak es mistakes... you really need to give your self a break and when you work out how to give your self a break let me know so I can try and give my self one !! The only advice I can give is listen to the people on here as they give great advice