BM94 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Hey all, Sorry I'm just here venting.. lol. Like literally today I've had thoughts about killing people, sexually assaulting people, hurting kids, and then leaving work I had thoughts about hitting someone in my car on the way out of the car park.... I'm EXHAUSTED! I'm in a position where I can expose myself to everything in the comfort that I will not be doing compulsions to try and rid myself of the worry, but man today has been testing. I work in retail so you can imagine how easy it would be to think I've killed a customer and left them in aisle 45 for example and think "I'm just gonna go check that aisle to make sure". Similar story with sexually assaulting people or their kids.. I mean I've literally had all these thoughts today. But... I did NOT check the aisles or the customer toilets or anywhere because that would be a compulsion.. and then a figurative Mr PB style slap on the wrist would be due! What really has bugged me the most is driving out of the car park, I'm thinking to myself "maybe I was on my phone (which I safely put away in the armrest section as soon as I get in anyway..) and I hit someone, or maybe I didn't let my windows de-mist fully so I couldn't see that person or their kid running in front of my big car bonnet". But as I've been working on not doing compulsions, I drive away not checking and don't go back at all, so now I'm like "Jeez I may have done a hit and run". So I'm currently ruminating but starting to feel my anxiety levels coming down now... Just wanted to have a rant, feel free to laugh at these absurdities Such a pickle... B Link to comment
PolarBear Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 No slap on the wrist needed. I feel for you. I killed, sexually abused and mutilated thousands in my mind. I know what it's like. You are handling it right though, as it happens. Stopping compulsions is critical to recovery. Good job. Now do something fun or have a nummy treat! Link to comment
BM94 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 9 minutes ago, PolarBear said: No slap on the wrist needed. Haha great news! You know what they say; kill a few you're a murderer, kill thousands and you're a conqueror. If it's all in your head does it still apply here?? XD 14 minutes ago, PolarBear said: Now do something fun or have a nummy treat! Will finish up my shift at my 2nd job in about an hour, and I understand I'm getting home to a Macaroni & Cheese, which is the very best comfort food for me hah. Thank you for your continued support! B Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Well done BM! I can’t imagine it was easy to not check the aisles etc but you did and how strong you are. I like the way you can make fun of it, my Dad always says to me if you could just laugh at this stuff it would be so much easier and I say Dad I hope some day I will. Anyway well done you have done amazing Link to comment
BM94 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 Thanks Nikki That's one of the only ways I stay sane honestly.. I'll have a chuckle to myself going "wow that was a wild one... jeez" Yep for me it's just been no compulsions and thinking about the thoughts differently that has taken the bulk of the crippling anxiety away! Link to comment
AnxiousAnnie Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Wow it sounds like you're doing amazing! Very inspiring to those of us struggling. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Yes I agree with AnxiousAnnie you are very inspiring and show massive strength in being able to laugh it off. Link to comment
BM94 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 Ah thanks guys. We're all getting there slowly but surely. Keep positive its absolutely possible to recover! Link to comment
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