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Bit of a bad day


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Hey all,

Sorry I'm just here venting.. lol.

Like literally today I've had thoughts about killing people, sexually assaulting people, hurting kids, and then leaving work I had thoughts about hitting someone in my car on the way out of the car park.... I'm EXHAUSTED!

I'm in a position where I can expose myself to everything in the comfort that I will not be doing compulsions to try and rid myself of the worry, but man today has been testing. I work in retail so you can imagine how easy it would be to think I've killed a customer and left them in aisle 45 for example and think "I'm just gonna go check that aisle to make sure". Similar story with sexually assaulting people or their kids.. I mean I've literally had all these thoughts today. But... I did NOT check the aisles or the customer toilets or anywhere because that would be a compulsion.. and then a figurative Mr PB style slap on the wrist would be due!

What really has bugged me the most is driving out of the car park, I'm thinking to myself "maybe I was on my phone (which I safely put away in the armrest section as soon as I get in anyway..) and I hit someone, or maybe I didn't let my windows de-mist fully so I couldn't see that person or their kid running in front of my big car bonnet". But as I've been working on not doing compulsions, I drive away not checking and don't go back at all, so now I'm like "Jeez I may have done a hit and run". So I'm currently ruminating but starting to feel my anxiety levels coming down now...

Just wanted to have a rant, feel free to laugh at these absurdities :)

Such a pickle... 

B

 

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:) No slap on the wrist needed.

I feel for you. I killed, sexually abused and mutilated thousands in my mind. I know what it's like. You are handling it right though, as it happens. Stopping compulsions is critical to recovery. 

Good job. Now do something fun or have a nummy treat!

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9 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

:) No slap on the wrist needed.

Haha great news!

You know what they say; kill a few you're a murderer, kill thousands and you're a conqueror. If it's all in your head does it still apply here?? XD

14 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Now do something fun or have a nummy treat!

Will finish up my shift at my 2nd job in about an hour, and I understand I'm getting home to a Macaroni & Cheese, which is the very best comfort food for me hah.

Thank you for your continued support!

 

B

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Well done BM! I can’t imagine it was easy to not check the aisles etc but you did and how strong you are. I like the way you can make fun of it, my Dad always says to me if you could just laugh at this stuff it would be so much easier and I say Dad I hope some day I will. Anyway well done you have done amazing ? 

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Thanks Nikki :)

That's one of the only ways I stay sane honestly.. I'll have a chuckle to myself going "wow that was a wild one... jeez"

Yep for me it's just been no compulsions and thinking about the thoughts differently that has taken the bulk of the crippling anxiety away!

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