Tsunami Effect

[Symps07]

Good morning,

I have not been on here for a while, so hello to everyone, I wish it was under better circumstances.

I have been struggling with my thoughts and OCD for longer than I care to remember and even though I have worked on the 'bigger' themes, I still have a massive issue with my OCD.

I ruminate constantly. Anything can start me off and once it's begun it just keeps on going. I'm becoming bitter and resentful and my life is just passing by day after day with out me really feeling as though I have done anything significant.

I have constant low mood as even when I'm feeling good, I know it will not last and I'll be back where I was previously.

I work in an office and the work is fast paced and so I am constantly feeling pressure, stress, anxiety and thinking a lot anyway and my OCD preys on any trigger, insecurity, or anxiety.

For instance, my phone rang yesterday and we have a screen where you can see the callers name and I thought I knew what the call was going to be about and walked out of the room. I knew I should have answered it and that avoiding the call is making things worse but I just couldn't do it. The dread I felt was horrible. I know this wasn't OCD but more my General Anxiety but then it triggers my rumination and that leads to some themes of my OCD, so then it does become OCD also.

From one phone call I can think how I am going to be blamed for something that I didn't do, how I am a failure, how I am going to Hell, how I deserve to feel bad and suffer, to how I am letting my fiancée down because I will never be able to get a better job and support her and children if we have any, if we have children, how will I cope? It's endless and goes round and round and I am losing pleasure in day to day life.

I want to do more in my life but then I also feel anxious about leaving for a new job in case that's even worse or I am out of my depth?

I feel anxious and embarrassed in social situations, so avoid them if possible or often just feel isolated or out of my depth.

I know what I am supposed to do in regards to working my OCD, GAD, low mood, etc... but I just sometimes feel like everything is going to fast for me to apply it.

I know that I don't always help myself, but it feels like everything is causing me some distress.

I need to break everything up into pieces and see what is what, but sometimes it is so difficult to discern where my GAD ends, my OCD begins. Is my low mood/depression just part of my anxiety. Which parts are OCD, which are anxiety? It's so very difficult. 

I should be at work now but my fiancée told me I need to speak to someone or reach out on here. 

I want to get better and start living my life instead of just existing.

I have a wonderful fiancée who I love more than anything, but I can't keep on like this as it is unfair to both of us.

The thing is, I've noticed the problems building up, even caught a few of them but I feel as though I am worrying about too many different things and then I daydream to try and stop myself feeling bad (or in the moment) so I'm always detached from reality and then I'm just ruminating more anyway and before I know it, it hits like a giant wave and leaves me (and my fiancée) feeling devastated.

I want to get better, but I am wary of sliding back into old habits and I am at a loss as to what to do?

Symps

Ps. I guess the other thing that I should is, that I feel like I have to agree with other people or not tell them things they do that I do not like or upset me as I don't want to upset or hurt them. Not sure why this is important but I think that it has prevented me helping myself in the past because I have put up a wall because of it.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Symps

It's nice to see you again although sorry it's under such trying circumstances.  

It sounds like you're having a really difficult time at the moment and it can be so hard to unravel everything. 

I think you could do with a healthy dose of self compassion first of all - it sounds like you're really really hard on yourself.  You give yourself a proper beating for small mistakes/avoidance/just being human.  I think a good way to think of it might be - if your fiancee did XYZ (e.g. avoided the phonecall) because she was really anxious, how would you treat her? I'm willing to bet you'd show her a lot of kindness and understanding, and I think you need to treat yourself similarly. 

I think your first step should be to just take a breath and stop fighting all of this so much.  Rome wasn't built in a day and you can't solve every problem at once but you can make one tentative step.  For example, next time you catch yourself ruminating, instead of thinking "oh no I'm ruminating again i never stop this will never end" etc - just gently turn your attention onto something else even if you only manage it for a minute, half a minute, whatever. And then next time just try something similar, just try your best. if you don't manage it, oh well, just try again. 

Maybe try and confront the odd social situation, start small, again be kind to yourself. 

Are you speaking to a therapist at the moment or receiving any help? If not might it be worth booking an apt to talk through some of this stuff?

I think before anything else you need to be much kinder and more understanding of yourself. I think anyone would struggle to function under these circumstances and you're doing the best you can - really well in fact, you're working in what sounds like a difficult job, you've got a wonderful fiancee, you're clearly a lovely guy and you just need to give that guy a break.  

I think reaching out is good, we're all happy to listen and help any time

GBG x

 

Edited February 25, 2020 by gingerbreadgirl

[Symps07]

Hi GBG,

Thank you for such a lovely message x

It really means a lot.

I think you're right. I do need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and learn to slow down a little bit and focus on my issues.

I hope that you're doing okay?

Thank you again for you response 

Kind regards,

Mark

[gingerbreadgirl]

No problem  

I hope you're having a bit better day today and being nicer to yourself  x 

[Symps07]

Yeah. I am just taking things slowly, trying to get all the nonsense out of my head 

 

[Gemma7]

Hi Symps, sorry that you're back in less happy circumstances but glad you're getting it all out there and feeling somewhat better

I've been experiencing something similar lately. I don't know if I'm OCD anxious, generally anxious or depressed and it's really hard to sort out because you don't know which behaviour contributes to what and it can be quite a muddle. I've wondered whether it would be better to put feelings at the middle of a vicious flower rather than with OCD the obssesions. So you might put anxiety to represent GAD, doubt for OCD and low mood for depression and then just add any behaviour that you think builds any of these feelings. So you might include being hard on yourself contributing to low mood, rumination contributing to both anxiety and doubt etc. It might just help model your problems a bit better. I sometimes think separating according to diagnosis doesn't really relate to the real human experience of it all. 

One thing I definitely have noticed though is recently I was constantly telling myself I should be like this, I should feel this, I should want this. Shoulding myself massively contributed to my low mood, so try to watch out for it. Like GBG said, if you can relate to yourself like you would your fiance you should start to feel a lot better