Horrible day (CW: suicidal ideation)

[Cub]

Hi guys

I'm sorry for posting twice in a day, but it's been a really bad one.

This morning, I found myself outlining a vague plan to end my life - who I would leave my money to, the notes I would leave, etc - and even tested the curtain rail in my room to see if it could stand my weight. I grew frustrated when I felt I couldn't do anything of the things available to me because I felt like I was committing in a scene and experiencing doubt I don't know how to get around. I've been praying constantly for guidance. I know I have religious OCD and I know if it feels like OCD it probably is but I was left feeling isolated and upset because I felt like I wasn't allowed to do the things I wanted to do and that if I do, God will punish me and I'll go to hell. What's worse is that it's over a television show - I love the show Good Omens but I keep believing I'm only allowed to go so far with it because of the content. Committing the unforgiveable sin was a massive fear of mine as a teenager and I'm scared I'm doing it again because David Tennant's character is a demon and therefore unforgiveable and therefore if I involve myself with it all I am in turn being unforgiveable by proxy. I know it's just a television show, but it's got me going and leaves me terrified and hopeless. I know I sound ridiculous but I just don't know if God loves me anymore and I keep pushing myself to try and do better, to be perfect. I know I'm being ridiculous but I can't help worrying that I'm offending God/spitting in God's face etc and and in a massive state. I'm so obsessed with trying to figure it all out; I think maybe I am in the wrong but trying to set it right? 

I called my Dad in a mess and told him I wanted to die and he told me not to say that and to cheer up, which hasn't helped. He did tell me he'd miss me if I did that, but I'm supposed to be going home this weekend and I've found out my nieces are coming. I don't think I have the strength to be aunty this weekend - though I concede it would be a good distraction - and just wanted to relax for a bit at home, have some respite. I know it sounds selfish, but I was hoping to speak to my dad and stepmum about some options for me and get away from it all. 

I'm sorry to sounds so miserable and ridiculous today. I even left the house and went for a walk to the park but I got there to find it was closed due to roadworks, so just took an Uber home. This was my one day off for a week and I can't face going into work tomorrow, but have already taken two mental health sicknesses recently. We're allowed to have up to five days altogether for one sick period, and up to five sick-periods a year. I've got two left and I keep using them on mental health, so if I keep using them I might be pulled in for another sickness meeting. But in work I'm constantly trapped alone with my thoughts. 

I don't know what's happened to me. I think I've made some poor decisions that have led me here over the past few months - things I thought would be good ended up being bad - and I'm ashamed and want to quit. 

Thanks for reading.

C x

 

[BelAnna]

Aw Cub, I'm so sorry that things are so bad just now. 

I agree with Petal- you're such a lovely friend to everyone on this forum. You've always cared and always helped in the past when I was struggling and you have such great insight into OCD and life in general. I cannot stand the idea that you were testing the curtains. 

You do know that the thoughts about 'Good Omens' are just OCD. I have OCD scrupulosity so avoid it but my Christian family watch it and wouldn't even worry about watching a TV programme about it. It really is just OCD. 

I wonder whether if you talk to work and let them know how bad things are if they might let you have a more prolonged period off work? Perhaps you could temporarily move in with your Dad and Step-mum or with your brother? 

Are you under the CMHT at the moment? Could you maybe ask your GP for a referral or arrange to see a private Psychologist/counsellor/CBT therapist?

Also just to say that it's probably worth considering still going home this weekend. I went to see my family, nephew and niece when I was feeling quite low (albeit not suicidal) recently and it really helped. They just live in the moment and find joy in everything! 

Thinking of you Cub! Let us know how things are tomorrow. 

Issy xx

 

Edited March 3, 2020 by BelAnna

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I've not seen the show but enjoyed the book a few years ago, and read lots of Prattchet, and Gainman,

This is probably going to come off as reassurance, and I ought to be telling you to write the most blasphemous stuff you can.... But...

Tennant's character is a demon but in the world of the books Desmond are fallen angels, and he is a much more complex character than simply evil, there is some resent and we are invited to some what feel compassion for him, seems pretty moral to me in a love the sinner hate the sin way. Both of the writers have written thought provoking works on religion, but in my interpretation seem on the side of "good" even if that some times is not what various religious people think.

At the end of the day it's all story and metaphor, and there is enough of that in the world's religious texts.

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By the way, I bet lots of us have had a bit of a suicide plan, 

But I found the good omens book at least pretty life enhancing!

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Not to mention there is a thriving fan and cosplay community!

[Cub]

Hello all

I will reply properly tomorrow, I promise but this is a quick message to thankyou all for your help and to share the fact that work are now aware and are offering support. I feel altogether a bit sheepish but even now after being absolutely exhausted I'm still being hard on myself; I'm falling back on writing as a compulsion and to prove a point even though I'm in no fit state. I'm just a mess.

Going to try and get a doctor's appointment in the morning; will let you know how it goes. Now, I just need to switch my laptop off.

C x

[BelAnna]

Hi Cub,

How did you get on today? Did you make an appointment to see the GP? 

That's great that work are helping. I hope the writing compulsion is not too much of a problem at the moment.

Let us know how things are going! Thinking of you. 

x

[Cub]

Thankyou everybody once again for your kind help.

So, I arrived at work the day after this saga after a poor night's sleep and ended up breaking down to one of the managers (a friend of mine, who's married to my old schoolfriend, who's one of the team leaders) and was escorted to the onsight medical assistance. He was very kind to me, asked me about my background and situation, ensuring I had the support I needed and that I wasn't going to do anything to myself. He advised me to stay in work for the day, but to come and find him if I felt bad. I got through the day alright and the next day, following some discussion, was allowed the morning off to attend a doctor's appointment. The doctor too was very kind and referred me to the mental health service, so hopefully, I should be getting counselling.

I'm very sorry for being so silly and if I frightened anybody with this. My writing usually is my escape but that day, it triggered me badly because I just felt so confused, and lost and isolated and didn't want to live like that. I felt so lost that day and just didn't know what to do. It's been a horrid time; I feel I've made some bad decisions that have contributed to the brim and I've not been able to stop worrying about things. Things that should be enjoyable, but things that I worried about years ago, has come back to me and I just feel that, with these fears returning and me mulling over them again, I've let myself down and let my family down; I haven't learnt anything. I just feel like a complete idiot. I also realise I've been trying too hard to be perfect once more and I need to give myself a break. 

Thankyou everybody for your kindnesses, support and gentleness.

C x

[BelAnna]

That's so nice that your manager was supportive and helpful Cub. I'm so glad that things are looking a little better at the moment- I hope things are still going okay today. I know things can change quickly from moment to moment when you're going through such a hard time but you've done amazingly to face telling work and going to the GP. 

Don't worry about frightening us! Just be really kind to yourself at the moment and seek all of the support you can to get through this time. 

You have not let anyone down; that's just Depressive thinking mixed with OCD! OCD does just bring back old thoughts/issues every now and then but you've tackled them before and you can again. 

Thinking of you! 

 

 

 

[Cub]

Thankyou BelAnna and everybody else too

My period started over the weekend - so that answers a few questions, I guess! I am troubled, though; I've had a lovely day with my dad and stepmum, but now I've sat down at my laptop to do some writing and now I'm paralysed with anxiety. It's my writing that's the source of all of this and I'm feeling frightened. I'm looking to lower my hours at work and I'm scared; what if I can't write anymore and I just get worse? I've been struggling with my OCD and writing both and get super anxious if I try and publish a fanfiction, to the point where I can't focus on it properly. I've not been enjoying it recently and feel my OCD is robbing me of it, unless I take back control. Like you say, I realise these are old issues and I can face them down and the sun will shine again. But I hate one of my main sources of distraction being such a source of anxiety and it all getting mixed up together. 

Thankyou again

C x