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Said the wrong thing.


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Going through a bad case of harm OCD at the moment and saw my doctor today and was trying to be as honest as possible, before I left I said it's like the OCD makes the horrible thoughts seem and feel tempting in my mind, now I'm having a major anxiety episode like I've just admitted I want to hurt people... Please help. 

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I had a meeting with my therapist this afternoon and he said that yet again I've fallen into the OCD trap, I've never ever been tempted to kill anyone, I was upset at the doc's and basically the words I was looking for wasn't really tempted but the thoughts feel so powerful sometimes that they feel almost real which makes me doubt my own personality sometimes and makes me think could I really be capable of that? I hope and pray the answer is always no!

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Oh my, you misspoke.

Do you realize that? That's all you did. And quite frankly, you could stand up and scresm that you want to kill everyone with a hammer, and it wouldn't mean a thing.

Actions speak louder than words.

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I wish I was as mentally strong as you PolarBear, as soon as I said it I immediately got a massive anxiety spike and thought I was going to burst into tears again. I know I used the wrong word in that split second but once said there's no going back and the OCD has lapped it up. I'm trying to forget about it but it's so tough, I can't eat or sleep and feel suicidal. 

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Hey, I know what you're going through. 

That initial shot of anxiety, that made you want to pay attention, was false. All sufferers need to learn this. That shot of anxiety made you think there really was a big problem that you need to deal with. It's a lie. It's what's broken in sufferers minds. There shouldn't have been a jolt of anxiety. There should have been nothing, because nothing happened.

Learn from that. It will make it easier to ignore such lies in the future.

By the way, I wasn't strong for about 40 years. I had to teach myself this stuff and adhere to the principles we teach here, every single day.

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Thank you for the advice its interesting to know that, my therapist didn't mention it. I hate harm ocd and mine always gives me that anxiety spike that's so hard to ignore. I was awake at one this morning having a panic attack over this things are so bad. 

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3 hours ago, phillev said:

Thank you for the advice its interesting to know that, my therapist didn't mention it. I hate harm ocd and mine always gives me that anxiety spike that's so hard to ignore. I was awake at one this morning having a panic attack over this things are so bad. 

OCD is OCD is OCD, everyone dislikes their OCD. They also find the anxiety hard to ignore. 

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9 hours ago, phillev said:

as soon as I said it I immediately got a massive anxiety spike and thought I was going to burst into tears again.

We can't directly control that we get these anxiety spikes unfortunately.  What we CAN control is how we react to them.  You can, if you work at it, learn to not continue to panic when you have these moments.  You can remind yourself that its just a feeling, it doesn't mean there is a real threat.  You can learn grounding techniques that help defuse and lessen the anxiety.  You are in control more than you realize, or at least you can be.  That doesn't mean it will be easy or fun, but it is possible to change these things, it requires persistence and stubbornness more than strength or skill.
 

9 hours ago, phillev said:

I know I used the wrong word in that split second

You are afraid you used the wrong word, you don't even know it. Thats the first problem.  But even if you did use a "wrong" word, you are vastly vastly overestimating the possible negative outcomes (as OCD sufferers are wont to do).  Part of overcoming OCD is accepting the fact that our initial response in these kind of situations is probably wrong, the risk, despite how we FEEL is almost certainly NOT that high.  We have to CHOOSE to act differently even though we feel the anxiety because we know that our anxiety sensors are broken.
 

9 hours ago, phillev said:

I'm trying to forget about it

If your goal is forgetting about it, you probably won't, because you will be constantly checking to see if you forgot about it and thus reminding yourself of it.
If your goal is to not care about it, thats different.  You can get the thought, be reminded of the thought, etc. and just say "eh, whatever".  Try to treat this with an "eh, whatever" attitude. I t will be hard at first because of the anxiety you feel, but trust me, it works.

 

8 hours ago, phillev said:

I hate harm ocd and mine always gives me that anxiety spike that's so hard to ignore.

Trust me, the anxiety from harm obsessions is no different than that from other obsessions, I've had harm obsessions, I've had gay obsessions, I've had illness obsessions, etc.  The anxiety was always awful and always 'the worst' because thats what I was suffering from at that moment and because OCD doesn't actually care what you are afraid of, the problem it causes is the same.

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I often worry that my reaction to the most sick thoughts doesn't seem right and it was this I was trying to get across to my Doctor, perhaps its because I've had these for so long my mind is not really so shocked anymore even though they significantly raise my anxiety, does that sound right? 

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You are trying to figure it out, looking for elusive answers, going over it all in your head. That's ruminating and it's a compulsion. You won't find an answer that will end your suffering. You will only go to a more bleak place.

What's causing your anxiety is your compulsions, not some word.

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You are focused on a word. Fixated on it. That is not normal. People make mistakes all the time, say things they didn't want to. It's an everyday thing. Perfectly normal. Your fixation on a word is abnormal. It's because of OCD.

It is also because you won't let it go. Everyone else would have. This all has to do with you doing compulsions, notably ruminating. You keep going over this incredibly minor thing in your mind. That's a compulsion. It won't do you any good. It will only drag you further under OCD'S grip.

 

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What you say would make sense to a non sufferer, my OCD says though I meant to say it even though I'm sure it was the wrong word to use at that time. I feel like my life is over. 

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I think that in saying the word 'tempting' you have triggered your own OCD rather than any kind of reaction in your doctor. If I were you, I'd go around saying that it's very "tempting" to hurt everyone over and over and over again. Let it make you feel awful and keep saying it. Eventually, it should start to lose it's hold on you.

 

Edited by malina
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12 hours ago, phillev said:

What you say would make sense to a non sufferer, my OCD says though I meant to say it even though I'm sure it was the wrong word to use at that time. I feel like my life is over. 

That's OCD for you. It takes a nothing snd turns it into a huge something. And then you make it 10 times worse by doing compulsions.

Edited by PolarBear
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The OCD is saying that why didnt I try and correct myself and say the right word, I'm sure I said something afterwards to try and make it right but now I can't remember what. It just keeps banging on that I've finally admitted I want to hurt people, even though I know nothings changed in my mind as I never would. My brain won't accept it! 

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22 hours ago, phillev said:

What you say would make sense to a non sufferer, my OCD says though I meant to say it even though I'm sure it was the wrong word to use at that time. I feel like my life is over. 

I'm an OCD sufferer and it makes sense to me. At least, in the cold light of discussion, don't let the disorder mar your cognitive ability. 

What your OCD says is irrelevant. 

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My biggest worry is that in saying what I've said was actually an admission rather than using the wrong word so therefore I'm a bad person who wants to do these unspeakable acts. It's the doubt yet again... Did I mean it, didn't I mean it constantly going around my head and it just gets fuzzier. 

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11 hours ago, phillev said:

My biggest worry is that in saying what I've said was actually an admission rather than using the wrong word so therefore I'm a bad person who wants to do these unspeakable acts. It's the doubt yet again... Did I mean it, didn't I mean it constantly going around my head and it just gets fuzzier. 

And it won't get any clearer by ruminating more. You don't need to figure this out. You can let it go.

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18 hours ago, phillev said:

The OCD is saying that why didnt I try and correct myself and say the right word, I'm sure I said something afterwards to try and make it right but now I can't remember what. It just keeps banging on that I've finally admitted I want to hurt people, even though I know nothings changed in my mind as I never would. My brain won't accept it! 

Correction, your brain isn't accepting it right now in the way you want it to.  That does not mean your brain won't accept it.  It can, and it will, but not if you keep going down the same path you are now.  You have to decide to treat the situation differently than how you currently are.  You have to listen to the advice you are being given and make the choice to let this go EVEN THOUGH you feel anxiety, EVEN THOUGH you get these doubts.

OCD demands absolutely certainty.  This is an impossible goal.  You do not have to meet that standard to go on with your life.  If you try you will remain stuck as you are now. 
You are worried about what you said being wrong, ok, thats something that happened.  You said something, you felt worry.  All the rest of it is just possibilities.  Is it possible you are secretly a monster who wants to kill us all?  Technically yes, thats possible.  its also possible tomorrow you will wake up and Bill Gates will have given you a billion dollars.  Is it LIKELY he will do that? No of course not.  Is it LIKELY. you are a horrible monster who wants to kill us all and that you saying the "wrong" thing is evidence of that?  Again, possibly but highly, highly, HIGHLY unlikely.  Just because something CAN possibly be true doesn't mean it is true or is even likely to be true.

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No one else would be affected AT ALL. Not one bit. 

All of this for you is nothing more than an invention of your mind. It's made into something so terrible because you won't leave it alone, because you keep it alive with compulsions.

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