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Said the wrong thing.


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I'm trying so hard but last night after I had this episode it's brought it all back. 

20 hours ago, phillev said:

My head is now asking the question as to why after I said that stupid word why did I ask the doctor if I sound like I'm phsycotic? As if I meant to say tempting all along as that was the perfect time to say what I really meant, I'm such a mess ?

It just makes it seem as though I meant to say tempting. 

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We understand YOU think that means you are a bad person but WE don't see it that way. This happens all the time with OCD. It is only uou that feels that way. Everyone else sees this as silly and not eorth thinking about.

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Apologies for sounding dumb but could you elaborate as to why everyone else doesn't see it that way please, it seems such a massive deal even at the time of it happening before I started all the ruminating. 

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When you say "this happens all the time with OCD" what exactly do you mean? My doctor has now diagnosed me with depression, obviously caused by all of this and a chronic lack of sleep. I know everyone thinks I'm making a massive deal out of this and I'm really sorry but please bear with me.

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5 hours ago, phillev said:

Apologies for sounding dumb but could you elaborate as to why everyone else doesn't see it that way please, it seems such a massive deal even at the time of it happening before I started all the ruminating. 

Because we're not you. We are on the outside and we can see your concern is incredibly minor. You don't because you (and only you) are having this particular intrusive thought and you are the one doing the compulsions, which makes things worse.

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30 minutes ago, phillev said:

When you say "this happens all the time with OCD" what exactly do you mean? My doctor has now diagnosed me with depression, obviously caused by all of this and a chronic lack of sleep. I know everyone thinks I'm making a massive deal out of this and I'm really sorry but please bear with me.

Don't you ever read about someone else's obsession on here and think, wow that's sll she's worried about?

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To be honest I try not too, I realise that obsessions differ greatly the issue i have with mine though is that it involves hurting people and what i said has heaped a whole load of guilt on me because of the subject matter. 

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What I'm saying is any obsession is only dangerous, life threatening or a huge issue to the person having that obsession. To everyone else it is minor. It doesn't matter if yours has something to do with harming others. It's irrelevant. It's just a thought that got stuck in your head.

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16 hours ago, phillev said:

I feel that if i meant it I'm obviously a bad person, nobody seems to get that bit. 

Trust me, we get that, but as PB says, we don't see it that way.
 

15 hours ago, phillev said:

Apologies for sounding dumb but could you elaborate as to why everyone else doesn't see it that way please, it seems such a massive deal even at the time of it happening before I started all the ruminating. 

Again PB has some good insight here so definitely take in what he has said.
Maybe it helps to think of it like this:
Imagine you, me, and PB are out in the woods camping.  The reason we are camping is to take your mind of the eye surgery you just had.  Right now you have bandages on your eyes so you can't see.  We thought some fresh air would do you good while you recover.  So you and I are sitting around the campfire and suddenly you hear what you think sounds like a bear.  You start to panic.  
Phil: Was that a bear? OMG there is a bear out there!
DK: Relax Phil, I don't see any bears, I don't even think there are bears in this area, its not a bear.
PB: Sorry, that was me, had the volume up on my phone and was watching a nature video.
Phil: But I definitely heard a bear.
DK: There's no bear, PB just explained it.  Plus both of us can see and there is no bear.

The problem is that part of you is not working properly.  In the story its your eyes, in real life its your OCD.  Both are obscuring reality from you, they are affecting how you experience things. We are able to analyze your fear without that limitation.  We can think clearly about the problem.  You can't, not in the way you could without the OCD.  Does that suck? Absolutely, but it is what's happening.  You have to understand that the reason you FEEL it is a big deal is because of the false messages you are getting.  The malfunction.  What you are feeling is real, the anxiety, the fear, you either feel it or you don't after all. BUT what that MEANS, whether or not what you fear is TRUE, well thats entirely different.  Being afraid of something doesn't make it real.  You can feel fear for completely unreal reasons.  You can feel safe when in grave danger.  Emotion doesn't equal reality, though reality can influence emotion.
 

11 hours ago, phillev said:

I know everyone thinks I'm making a massive deal out of this and I'm really sorry but please bear with me.

Trust me, we aren't judging you, we know this is hard, we've been there ourselves.  We know that it genuinely feels like a big deal.  
But what you need to focus on understanding is that you DO have the power to change this, just not in the way you would usually approach a problem.  OCD doesn't let us take the normal approach, instead we have to take an alternate route.  Normally you might solve a problem with this by analyzing the situation until you became confident enough it wasn't a threat and move on.  OCD interferes with being able to feel confident and move on.  So you take an indirect approach.  You treat the problem as not important, despite what you feel, and eventually your brain gets bored and the brain lock breaks, you can move on form the thought JUST as if you had been able to analyze it directly, as if the OCD wasn't there.  Its generally a slower process, true, but you get better at it the more you practice.  It won't change all it once, unfortunately there is no magic cure for OCD, but you can recover, you can get back to living your life in a productive and rewarding way. 

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Feeling at one of the lowest parts of life dealing with this. I'm now struggling with the erp as well, after doing the initial one which caused me all sorts of problems it now feels too set up like I'm writing it down but it doesn't mean anything because I know it's all a made up scenario. I've read it doesn't work for all and knowing my luck...... 

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It seems to me that your current obsession is not that you will harm others, but rather that you said the eord 'tempting' in a certain context.

I think your exposure should be saying out loud a sentence with the word tempting in it. Same sort of thing you said the first time.

Make sense?

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10 hours ago, dksea said:

Trust me, we get that, but as PB says, we don't see it that way.
 

Again PB has some good insight here so definitely take in what he has said.
Maybe it helps to think of it like this:
Imagine you, me, and PB are out in the woods camping.  The reason we are camping is to take your mind of the eye surgery you just had.  Right now you have bandages on your eyes so you can't see.  We thought some fresh air would do you good while you recover.  So you and I are sitting around the campfire and suddenly you hear what you think sounds like a bear.  You start to panic.  
Phil: Was that a bear? OMG there is a bear out there!
DK: Relax Phil, I don't see any bears, I don't even think there are bears in this area, its not a bear.
PB: Sorry, that was me, had the volume up on my phone and was watching a nature video.
Phil: But I definitely heard a bear.
DK: There's no bear, PB just explained it.  Plus both of us can see and there is no bear.

The problem is that part of you is not working properly.  In the story its your eyes, in real life its your OCD.  Both are obscuring reality from you, they are affecting how you experience things. We are able to analyze your fear without that limitation.  We can think clearly about the problem.  You can't, not in the way you could without the OCD.  Does that suck? Absolutely, but it is what's happening.  You have to understand that the reason you FEEL it is a big deal is because of the false messages you are getting.  The malfunction.  What you are feeling is real, the anxiety, the fear, you either feel it or you don't after all. BUT what that MEANS, whether or not what you fear is TRUE, well thats entirely different.  Being afraid of something doesn't make it real.  You can feel fear for completely unreal reasons.  You can feel safe when in grave danger.  Emotion doesn't equal reality, though reality can influence emotion.
 

Trust me, we aren't judging you, we know this is hard, we've been there ourselves.  We know that it genuinely feels like a big deal.  
But what you need to focus on understanding is that you DO have the power to change this, just not in the way you would usually approach a problem.  OCD doesn't let us take the normal approach, instead we have to take an alternate route.  Normally you might solve a problem with this by analyzing the situation until you became confident enough it wasn't a threat and move on.  OCD interferes with being able to feel confident and move on.  So you take an indirect approach.  You treat the problem as not important, despite what you feel, and eventually your brain gets bored and the brain lock breaks, you can move on form the thought JUST as if you had been able to analyze it directly, as if the OCD wasn't there.  Its generally a slower process, true, but you get better at it the more you practice.  It won't change all it once, unfortunately there is no magic cure for OCD, but you can recover, you can get back to living your life in a productive and rewarding way. 

I've digested you're post several times now and just wanted to ask that when my anxiety went up shortly after realising I'd used a poor description of my issues isn't that only natural? After all its basically like admitting that the thoughts could sway me into doing something horrible. I'm struggling with this bit the most.

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When ive got it out of my head for a while and then it recurs is there any way to kerb the anxiety spike? I'm trying really hard to make it seem irrelevant but I always get that spike. 

 

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17 hours ago, phillev said:

I've digested you're post several times now and just wanted to ask that when my anxiety went up shortly after realising I'd used a poor description of my issues isn't that only natural?

The fact that you felt so much anxiety over the statement is definitely not natural, at least it isn’t for someone without OCD. Most of us wouldn’t spare a second thought to how you described your issues.

It didn’t cause an anxiety spike because it’s a big deal.

It seems like a big deal because you had an anxiety spike.

 

17 hours ago, phillev said:

After all its basically like admitting that the thoughts could sway me into doing something horrible. I'm struggling with this bit the most.

This is a very OCD reaction, very black and white thinking, but not one that actually make sense.  That’s like saying because you blurt out a swear word when you stub your toe, you could just as easily murder someone when you stub your toe. 

 

 

 

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I know I sound like a stuck record but on the "seem and feel tempting" bit from my first post wouldn't that equate to actually saying I find the thoughts entirely plausible as something I could do rather than saying something totally the opposite of?  I really must be missing something that I wish someone could tell me and put me out of my misery. 

Edited by phillev
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Guest dimmerswitch

Think of it in a different way. Your intrusive thoughts are a tv programme you don’t enjoy. Do you watch the programme, or turn the tv to another channel? If you don’t enjoy the programme, why would you watch it?

If you don’t like the thoughts, don’t engage with them.

They’re not going anywhere, they’ll always be there, it’s how you choose to react to them that matters. The answer is, don’t.

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5 hours ago, dimmerswitch said:

Think of it in a different way. Your intrusive thoughts are a tv programme you don’t enjoy. Do you watch the programme, or turn the tv to another channel? If you don’t enjoy the programme, why would you watch it?

If you don’t like the thoughts, don’t engage with them.

They’re not going anywhere, they’ll always be there, it’s how you choose to react to them that matters. The answer is, don’t.

Think of mine as watching a program I'm trying to enjoy but I'm always getting cross channel interference that won't go away, those being the intrusive thoughts. 

Edited by phillev
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21 hours ago, dksea said:

The fact that you felt so much anxiety over the statement is definitely not natural, at least it isn’t for someone without OCD. Most of us wouldn’t spare a second thought to how you described your issues.

 

 

 

 

This is the part my brain cannot take in, why wouldn't most people not be worried about it? 

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Guest dimmerswitch
41 minutes ago, phillev said:

This is the part my brain cannot take in, why wouldn't most people not be worried about it? 

Thought = Thought = No Action 

A thought is a thought. Accept it and allow it to be there. Questioning the thought, or your reaction to it is feeding the OCD bully. 

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