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Fear of blurting out obscenities


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Hi all,

I have suffered from OCD (what I guess some might call Pure O) for over 10 years. It seemed to take a backseat for a while, but in the last 6 months has reappeared and causing me a lot of distress. This was following a difficult couple of years when my dad passed away, I broke up with my boyfriend and I moved from London to Scotland to be closer to my mum. Despite the fact life has massively calmed down, it feels like the mind is always tormenting me and it's incredibly painful. I don't know what to do, hence I thought I'd revisit the forums that I have found so valuable before. 

Last July the thought 'I am a paedophile' came into my head. Of course, in reality there is absolutely no basis for this thought, but OCD torments with the things that are most abhorrent, of which paedophilia is one. Then the thought took the form of 'what if I were to blurt out I am a paedophile to someone?' most specifically my mother, who I am close to. What if she believed me? What if she rejected me? What if I was isolated and rejected by society etc etc. It is incessant, painful and I struggle to be in my mum's company at times because this is going on in the background and very difficult to ignore. At times, it feels like the words are in my mouth, about to be blurted out, and I have a headache just trying to contain them. It is overwhelmingly depressing and I don't deserve this. I feel I am being constantly punished for being a kind, overly conscientious person and it's really getting me down. My self-esteem is incredibly low, I can't see a child on TV or real life without the thoughts being provoked and it's overwhelming. My mind makes out I am the worst possible individual whereas the reality is that I'm quite the opposite. Please help me x

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey,

Happened to log on and saw your post. Hope you’re ok and it is all ocd just doing its thing anyway it can. I know exactly what you mean. Try to remind yourself it’s all ocd, you’ve had a lot going on so that’s the real ball ache. Ocd is just pretending it’s the real problem. Stay cool, distract and reflect !

njb

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  • 1 month later...

Hi njb,

Thank you for your kind words, they're so reassuring. I came back on here because I am experiencing another bout of this awful illness and doubting myself, who I am etc. It feels like these thoughts are tormenting me and peace of mind is incomprehensible, especially in lockdown when I'm on my own. Wondered if anyone had any recommendations as to how I can tackle this? OCD is such a bully and I feel completely at its mercy sometimes. I just want peace xx

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