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Fear of having infected others


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Hello,

I have such strong feelings of hate towards myself not being helped by being cooped up and trying to keep the children entertained and emotionally okay so reaching out here.

We haven't left the house for exactly 2 weeks (except my partner getting shopping). On Thursday 12th I had a sore throat and had had a headache for about 3/4 days and slight uncomfortableness in my back area one night (lungs?). I couldn't decide whether to take my sons to playgroup. My instinct was no but my partner thought it was okay as I didn't have what is being said are the 2 main symptoms of Covid 19 (temperature and cough). I hate obsessional thinking styles as I then found I had thought too much about it and it became a mess in my head as both options felt uncomfortable as choices. I said I'll have a shower and if I feel better I will think about going. Then a discussion on Whatsapp started as a friend said she would not be going in to the playgroup because of Coronavirus worries. This was a relief and I instantly replied saying 'Yes, lets not go in to class' decision made. I seems I couldn't make my own decision and needed someone else's influence to do the right thing.

My family and I went for a walk later instead and I stopped to ask an old man a question at the bus stop. I had thought that maybe i should not talk to him as should distance myself but instead I overrode that concern and waited a minute while he picked up his bus pass of the floor. I didn't reach down to help him as I worried about passing something on.  However I certainly wasn't 2 meters away from him and for some reason didn't decide that my question could wait.

The next day we normally go to forest school. Again some umming and ahhing. Forest school is outside but I was worried about being close to people and the lack of facilities to wash hands and the possible sharing of cups during refreshment time. A friend text and asked was I currently staying at home? I was worried that she would judge me as someone who was overreacting to the situation at that time so I replied 'No, not fully, I will go to forest school in the morning if I feel well'. Friday came and I just found the whole thing so confusing in my head that I couldn't decide what to do. I felt somewhat better but decided not to go to forest school. She was asking if we could meet for a play date. I ignored her first call as felt like I couldn't deal with it. She rang again and I agreed to go out to the park with our kids. I took my hand sanitiser. 

Despite having concerns about whether I should go out feeling slightly under the weather I proceeded to go into 4 shops whilst in town. At the park I wiped my children's noses with a tissue. With the same hand I later picked up a dropped biscuit and handed it to my friend's child with my bare hand. Mid rescuing the biscuit I thought 'oh no this maybe isn't good' but I gave it to her anyway.   Two friends tried to hug me upon meeting but I stood back and indicated I wanted to do an elbow to elbow 'shake' or a pretend air hug instead. But then in the park I encouraged my friend's child to come and squish up with us on the slide - absolutely no distancing. Must have forgotten. And did I use my hand sanitiser. No I didnt! ??????? 

I have spend the best part of 2 weeks since then worrying about my carelessness. I hate myself because I feel I my concern not to look like I was overreacting to a friend was greater than my concern to keep others safe and be a responsible member of the community. (btw i wish we all had overreacted - this is not my concern at all now!)

I'm sure I read somewhere around then not to go out if you have symptoms of a cold. I have friends who have been 'socially distancing' for more than 2 weeks (2 and a half weeks), and I cant stop comparing myself to them and worrying as to why I didn't  do this if I felt under the weather? So many posts on Facebook about responsibility and not being careless. I don't know where I fit into all this. I don't know why i cant be the type of person who just stands up for their beliefs and my beliefs two and a half weeks ago was that we need to stay in and take it seriously and that the government were not acting quick enough. 

I'm concerned about the man at the bus stop, I'm concerned about people I was very close to in the shops I went to and another grandad I spoke to in the park,  I'm concerned about being close to my friend and her child (who had a grandparent visiting them the next day) and even if I didn't pass anything on, I'm concerned about my personality why I placed any importance whatsoever on not wanting to look like i was overreacting above safety concerns. I hate that!!

Another example of this from me is earlier than this, at the beginning of this month I went to a friend's talk and as we greeted each other she said 'Oh do we hug now. is it okay?'. My instant reaction was 'oh she thinks I don't want to hug her because i moved my body away a bit, I must let her know that this isn't the case and i'm not an over-reacter, I wasn't moving away for any reason'....we both hugged. I don't know where these thoughts come from. I wish id had a different reaction.

I am fully, fully committed to social distancing, to staying at home, to isolating. As I say I believe the government were too slow. But i just have this awful part of my personality that cares about what people think of me. 

My partner says that its highly unlikely Coronavirus was in our town then (2 or so weeks ago) and that its just changing so fast and that this is ocd talking as I didn't have coronavirus and we took our son out of nursery a week before they shut so were thinking safely. But now there is the suggestion that it has been in the country for a lot longer than people have thought. And everytime I see an article saying the government should have acted quicker i think I should have acted quicker. I've also seen a post from someone saying they had coronavirus but without the cough! And then of course there are people that are asymptomatic.

Sorry this is an essay. I have reached out for some CBT as these thoughts are endlessly swirling. blurghhhhh. Thank you if you read this far. Reading back it seems a huge sign of privilege to be able to have these worries rather than worrying abut my life or that of a family member. Even though this is painful, I know really I am incredibly lucky and this is all rather self indulgent probably. I just hope I haven't been the cause of anyone else's pain. I need to get off social media! 

 

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Hi meadowflower .

You sound EXACTLY like me, I could have written this. I am continuously analysing what I might have done to the point where I can no longer function.

I had meds and CBT as I've had this for years and was doing well until this virus

When I read your post I can see it's OCD and don't think you have anything to worry about but my mind can find reasons why this is not so for mine. Though my husband would see it the same way I can see your post.

I think it may help you to know I have this too to show you it is a common OCD theme. OCD attacks our worst fears and exaggerates the consequences.

I feel sorry for my husband cos I keep talking to him about my worries and he has enough on in these hard times. He says its my OCD .

I am happy to chat to you on here whenever you need some help as we definitely need someone in these hard times who is experiencing the same and really understands.

 

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All of us could have infected somebody even prior to the events you’re worried about. Boris left it too late and his instructions were too vague I believe. Not enough emphasis was put on less publicised symptoms of sore throat, runny nose or headache to name a few.

The worry and analysis of past events is OCD. Believe me, I’m trying not to give into the same analysis. I gave two old people my contact details on a slip of paper and less than a week later, I had a sore throat and sore chest. I could have been shedding virus when I gave them the paper, if indeed I have the virus.

 

Edited by Orwell1984
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Ecomum, I'm sorry to hear about your similar situation. It's so hard. What are you doing today that's helping you? I'm going to try and do some crafts with my kids. Very happy to chat. Sorry I'm writing in haste now as I don't get much time until the evenings. But thank you for your reply

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Good idea to do crafts with kids. Distraction is the best thing.

I'm going to clean kitchen and guinea pigs today. Not very exciting but I'm going to put music on and try and enjoy it.

It feels impossible to stop ruminating but once you do it's surprising how quickly you feel better.

I find scheduling a worry time helps , say 7pm for half an hour, so you put off worrying in the day .often the worry has gone by then.

I find one Frank chat with my husband helps, I worry this is borderline reassurance but I need to do it so I don't end up getting hysterical and then upsetting everyone.

Hope this helps.

My children are 20, 14 and 11 so I can chat anytime if u need it.evenings are great 

 

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Orwell, thanks too for your reply. The NHS only lists a high temperature and a new continuous cough as the symptoms to watch out for. Difficult to know if I've been careless or not. Its certainly spinning me out and I had had a handle on OCD for the last 10 years. I wake up now thinking this guilt will never ever go away. How are you combating the thoughts? Best wishes

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On 28/03/2020 at 12:46, meadowflower said:

Orwell, thanks too for your reply. The NHS only lists a high temperature and a new continuous cough as the symptoms to watch out for. Difficult to know if I've been careless or not. Its certainly spinning me out and I had had a handle on OCD for the last 10 years. I wake up now thinking this guilt will never ever go away. How are you combating the thoughts? Best wishes

I notice the spike of fear and dread and notice the urge to figure out, but I don’t give into the mental ritual of analysis, no matter how much I want to find a resolution. I try to do physically engaging things like folding washing, hoovering, dusting, and either have the windows open to listen to birdsong and feel the breeze or be outside in my back garden for a different sort of sensory stimulus. Any other stimulus is good, so long as it distracts your attention away from giving into mental analysis (rumination). 

I hope that your OCD passes by quickly. And best wishes for getting through the weird times we’re in

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  • 2 months later...

Ok, I'm about 2 and a half months late replying, (for so many reasons) but have been meaning to get access to the computer for a long while now to write again here. I have only just read these last two messages.

Orwell1984 great advice. I'm certainly good at letting some intrusive thoughts simply pass through my mind, thoughts on some topics. Things that are more based in reality i have a problem with but I'm getting better at it. Thanks for your words. Hope you are okay ?

Ecomum, I hope you are doing okay. Have you had much success at not giving into to rumination?

I think going back to my therapy, the Theory A and Theory B exersise is something I need to get back into.

Best wishes both xx

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