Can anyone relate please?

[ocdsufferer85]

Hi ive had a bit of a dip with ocd the last day or two and need some help, tried to dismiss it like i do more often than not now, im doing alot better 

I just cant shake this at the moment 

Yesterday i was waking up and o remember having intrusive thoughts, out of the blue as usual

I didn't panic too much because its nothing new to me. 

But what happened was the thoughts turned to "what if you were to think the worst one now, and let it through" 

Obviously that then caused my brain to pick out even worse sentences

I feel like i kind of froze up or didnt really react quickly enough like i let them in or i could have stopped them

When a few happen in a row i start to feel like its me that's creating, welcoming or letting them in. 

I've been ruminating ever since and it's blurry but I can't shake this guilty feeling

In cbt i was told to create the thoughts and repeat them until they worried me less...this didnt reallt work. 

I just feel terribly evil and guilty. 

I don't want to be the cause of nasty thoughts towards god. 

I dont agree with them atall, they are lies and not my personal thoughts or feelings or beliefs. But when i have these delayed responses I feel I did wrong. 

Ocd convinces me I've done bad and tested it or acted out. 

Please, can anyone offer any advice or at least tell me im not alone, i wanna move forward and not feel so bad. 

Thank you 

[ocdsufferer85]

Please does anyone understand how i feel? 

Is it possible to be unsure if you are to blame for letting "bad thoughts in" 

Sometimes im able to say no thats ocd other times like this one i am worried I've caused it or could have acted differently and prevented it. 

Its like if I don't immediately say its lies or ocd i feel unsafe and then the other morning i fear that once the trigger came in which was "what if you thought the worst thoughts now..."  i felt them come through, but i felt calm. 

So i think well if im calm does it mean i dont care, and if i felt it coming could i have stopped it ? 

Please help. 

 

[snowbear]

On 07/04/2020 at 11:50, ocdsufferer85 said:

When a few happen in a row i start to feel like its me that's creating, welcoming or letting them in. 

Hi ocdsufferer85,

The sentence I've quoted is where you have given meaning to your thoughts. Remember from CBT how the meaning you give your thoughts sets you up for either a cycle of good feelings and behaviours or a cycle of bad feelings and behaviours? The thoughts don't come with any in-built meaning, no matter how often they occur or how 'bad' the content of the thought is.

 

16 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

if I don't immediately say its lies or ocd i feel unsafe

Saying it's lies or labelling it as OCD to make it 'safe' is a compulsion. Try not to do this. Instead remind yourself thoughts have no meaning until you decide what you want them to mean. 

17 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

So i think well if im calm does it mean i dont care, and if i felt it coming could i have stopped it ? 

This is you looking for meaning again. Being upset by the thoughts or being calm when they come - either way has no meaning in itself.