Conversation with another sufferer

[Cub]

Hello all

Happy Easter. My apologies for not being around for a while; things have been difficult. I also just got the news that my poor little niece has broken her leg, so the poor mite had to go to hospital (which worried me further in the current climate, but she's been in and come home and she and her dad seem fine) - and I just had a chat with her. It does worry me, though; I had all my 'imaginary' problems, if you will, my anxieties, hurting me and then something real happened that hurt her, which makes me feel guilty (as self-indulgent and silly as it sounds, as I realise that what happened to her is nothing to do with me; I just hate to think of her going through that). 

I had a chat last night with a fellow OCD sufferer; the boyfriend of an old colleague of mine who too suffers OCD and we had a really in-depth conversation. I felt able to purge some of my fears; I don't want to go into too much detail, but it's been hard to be completely honest here because I fear offending some people. I've been so scared by everything and have had some questions on my mind; I kept making the absolutely horrific mistake of googling them (I know, shouldn't have done that); in particular being drawn back to a certain website which just upset me more even though I wondered if it was the 'true' answer to my questions, even if it felt so brutal. I haven't visited it today but I did it yesterday and it upset me horribly after a lovely morning. I don't agree with what I read, and over the last few weeks, I've felt the pressure of my own anxieties. My friend was very kind; he's an atheist, but he has had experience with religious OCD and it was like speaking to someone in the same language. We established that reassurance seeking was not good and that of course, I need to stop the Googling. He was quite brutally honest and said - 'it's either you, or the OCD.' 

I just don't know what's happened to me. I feel like I've gone back to being 17 all over again, at the start of this thing. That's certainly how it feels. I struggle to get up in the morning and I'm being very rigid with myself and it's been hurting me; everything's felt loveless, with a lack of compassion and I've been really hard on myself. I was worried that the love of the God I believed in wasn't as unconditional as I'd hoped and I was so frightened over what it meant for me to the point where I felt like I wanted to end my life if this was the reality of my faith. I've stopped doing all the things I enjoy; my favourite shows, my cross-stitch, my writing; everything has suffered. I only feel better when I'm watching the Vicar of Dibley, or when I'm doing something unrelated to religion, or when I'm with other people. It means I'm reluctant to be alone in my room with my phone and laptop which used to be my constant companions; I no longer feel safe. I keep mulling over these things and am frightened; I want things to return to normal so I don't feel like this. In another form of reassurance seeking, I've been following Twitter followers who are Christian and liberal. 

This has been a hard thing to explain; my dad found me crying in the guest-room bathroom the other day and pulled me into his study for a chat. He tries his best to understand but I feel like I'm causing trouble like this; we've already got enough going on. I feel I'm of little use around the house; I do my best to do chores, but feel like a spare part alone with my thoughts. I just get so ruminative all the time and my appetite suffers, though I am practising meditation. I'm even more worried about the weeks ahead, and being alone with my thoughts all the more. It sounds strange, but it's like I need something to mull over, but I hate feeling like that. I can't seem to enjoy anything else - my writing, my cross-stitch, any of my favourite shows or focus on anything such as the futurelearn courses I'm working on; the only thing I can manage is reading, or the Vicar of Dibley. I can't do anything else and I'm scared I'm 'supposed' to change myself; to accept that God is stricter than I thought. I feel so damaged by these things and am frightened of going completely mad; if I do go mad, I'll have to go to hospital and then that would be putting my family at risk of corona. 

I know that no feeling lasts forever, but I do feel like I did as a kid when everything kicked off and became more frightening. Speaking to my friend was like the realisation of what I was doing to myself and I kind of want to curl up and cry it all out. But I don't want to ruin Easter weekend with my anxieties; it's the only constant we have (and I brought the lamb). 

I'm sorry to be so selfish with this all; just everything hurts so much and I want it all to stop. I hate feeling like this, but I'm glad I spoke to my friend as he helped me unravel some of it. I'm sorry to have let everyone down. 

Thanks for reading

C x  

[Wren]

Hi Cub, wishing your niece a speedy recovery. I know the feeling of needing something to 'mull over', I sometimes think I've done enough reading to award my self a degree in morality/theology! I can feel kind of lost without a problem to solve. Have you tried taking things slowly? For example, to set yourself a goal to stop googling/ruminating for an hour, or maybe a day, rather than trying to leap straight in and tell yourself you are never going to research the subject again? 

[Cub]

You know what, Wren that helps a lot. I've been worrying about how I'll cope tomorrow and the day after but maybe one thing at a time will help. Thankyou for that and for your empathy and for the good wishes for my niece.  

[Wren]

I call it taking a 'rumination holiday'!

I find the idea that I can never research a particular subject again too overwhelming to contemplate, but saying to myself, - "ok, just for the next five days (or ten minutes, one hour etc) I will not think about this subject, but I can think about it again on x day/time" much easier to deal with. It can also give your body and brain a chance to rest, so if you do choose to think about the subject again when x day/time arrives, you will be in a better state to be rational about it. 

[Cub]

A rumination holiday sounds nice! Thanks for that; I could do with one of those! Appreciate your words of comfort.  

[Wren]

I have/had religious ocd and know hard it can be to talk about - and getting blank looks from therapists after describing something that is so meaningful to me is particularly disheartening! Please feel free to chat to me at any time if you need to.

[malina]

15 hours ago, Cub said:

'it's either you, or the OCD.' 

Wow at this! So absolutely true.

I completely relate to your fear of being alone with your thoughts, this is a huge fear of mine too. This was one of the things that really scared me about the lockdown, the idea of being stuck indoors, not going to work or socialising, I was really worried that I'd regress or go completely off the rails. But I think it's important to be aware that we can't run away from ourselves and the need to be occupied or busy all the time isn't sustainable. You have to be alone sometimes, you have to learn to be comfortable with yourself again. I've been trying to approach lockdown as a bit of an ERP exercise, to try to train myself be comfortable having time to myself. When I get anxious, I try to remind myself that the anxiety is supposed to happen, just like in any ERP exercise. If you don't feel the anxiety, you can't challenge it. 

So maybe take your friend's advice and try to push back a little, try to spend a little more time alone each day. Allow the urges to ruminate and google stuff come in, allow yourself to feel the fear a little. It is just a sensation, it won't kill you, and it will pass too.

Hang in there Cub, I understand how hard this is, but you can do this! xx

 

[Cub]

Hi guys

Thankyou for the encouragement, Wren and Malina. I'm doing okay - been a bit more engaged today and even helped cook our Easter meal - but now it's the evening and I'm struggling again and feel like I want to cry.

To expand a little on my fears - and with sincere apologies to anyone this might offend - I'm struggling with religious perceptions of sexuality. I'm a Christian who considers myself an ally to all and believe in a loving God but my worst fear now is that God's love is conditional in that area and that's what I've been ruminating over. It's been very difficult and I hate myself for it, because I know that this is nothing compared to what a gay person must have endured in a non-affirming space. I've been affected by all these different, loveless viewpoints on the internet of what people think - my dad even asked me if the reason I was having these fears was due to the possibility that I myself might be gay. The fact that I'm struggling with these fears in the midst of all this is just ridiculous. I tried to watch a film with my family tonight but felt very alone and like I wasn't really enjoying it. I just want to cry everything out; all the stress and the pain and I want to know everything will be okay. I just hate how I'm feeling right now and feel like it's insulting and unfair. I've not been able to do anything I really enjoy recently; it's been hard. I will try, though. I don't know if this is an obsessive fear alone or if it's a 'real' fear; something that I as a Christian have to go through. But I always believed in a loving God and don't want to become a horrible, judging Christian person. I keep thinking God is talking to me and I don't know what to think. 

Sorry for this weirdness. I just had to get that out. Have a good night. 

C x

[BigDave]

17 minutes ago, Cub said:

Hi guys

Thankyou for the encouragement, Wren and Malina. I'm doing okay - been a bit more engaged today and even helped cook our Easter meal - but now it's the evening and I'm struggling again and feel like I want to cry.

To expand a little on my fears - and with sincere apologies to anyone this might offend - I'm struggling with religious perceptions of sexuality. I'm a Christian who considers myself an ally to all and believe in a loving God but my worst fear now is that God's love is conditional in that area and that's what I've been ruminating over. It's been very difficult and I hate myself for it, because I know that this is nothing compared to what a gay person must have endured in a non-affirming space. I've been affected by all these different, loveless viewpoints on the internet of what people think - my dad even asked me if the reason I was having these fears was due to the possibility that I myself might be gay. The fact that I'm struggling with these fears in the midst of all this is just ridiculous. I tried to watch a film with my family tonight but felt very alone and like I wasn't really enjoying it. I just want to cry everything out; all the stress and the pain and I want to know everything will be okay. I just hate how I'm feeling right now and feel like it's insulting and unfair. I've not been able to do anything I really enjoy recently; it's been hard. I will try, though. I don't know if this is an obsessive fear alone or if it's a 'real' fear; something that I as a Christian have to go through. But I always believed in a loving God and don't want to become a horrible, judging Christian person. I keep thinking God is talking to me and I don't know what to think. 

Sorry for this weirdness. I just had to get that out. Have a good night. 

C x

Sorry that you are struggling. I’m struggling a lot too but you aren’t alone through any of this. We are here to support you *hugs*

[Cub]

Thankyou, BigDave. *hugs* Sorry to sound so weird, but I appreciate the support.  

C x

[BigDave]

It’s ok. You don’t sound weird to me. And I sound bloody crazy half the time so I couldn’t point the finger anyway x

[Cub]

Thanks for that; I appreciate it.  

[BigDave]

Any time! Always here to chat. It’s so bloody lonely having OCD

[Cub]

It is. Thanks, Dave. I feel a bit ridiculous as these fears have been going on for a month now. 

I'm struggling again today as I made the mistake of going back to a particular Conservative Christian website which has proven particularly upsetting and has left me paralysed throughout the night. I know what I feel right now is OCD rather than Christianity but I'm in a massive state and can't see a way forward; I can't concentrate on my course or anything. I keep seeking reassurance and just want to cry on the bed. I feel bad as yesterday I wasn't too bad and now I feel I've triggered myself in again. It's making me want to hurt myself but I know I can't do that because that would be hurting other people. 

I just hate feeling so up and down all the time. I feel guilty for feeling this way because it makes me clingy, dependent, seeking reassurance, etc. I'm terrified I'll still be like this when lockdown is over.

Sorry to sound so pathetic. I know this is my fault. I just want to stop feeling so bad. 

C x

[Wren]

Sending you hugs (virtual ones are allowed because they are virus free ). Just wanted to say recovery is possible, you can, and I'm sure you will, find your way through this. Have you tried making yourself a plan of action - ie using some work sheets from a self help book or from a former therapist? Sorry if I sound patronising, but sometimes we can get so bogged down in the enormity of a problem that we forget to go back to basics, such as breaking down the problem into smaller chunks.

This may be reassurance, and I know that you already know this, but some religious people push the idea that religion is about absolute truth ie fundamentalists, but part of religious practice is also about embracing mystery (ie uncertainty) and the human unknowability of God. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by Wren
Typo

[Cub]

Thankyou, Wren

I feel very cross with myself, truth be told. It feels like I'm being rather clingy and holding onto people's arms. I constantly want hugs from my dad, I'm always catching up with my OCD friends to check that what I'm feeling is definitely OCD. The truth is, I feel rather traumatised. I go on this website, grow upset by what it says and then seek reassurance that it's not true, that I don't have to change and God loves me exactly as I am - which surely feels like a compulsion in itself. I know it's the old 'out of sight, out of mind' response sometimes but I feel unable to do anything as I feel anxious and depressed and I'm not being very independent about any of this. I couldn't eat yesterday as I was in such a mess and I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts. The other night after visting that website again I completely flipped and messaged a random priest I follow on Twitter for help. Reassurance-seeking at its finest, I'm sure. 

I know accepting uncertainty will be the only way out of this, but I wish I didn't feel like this all the time. I'm frightened I'll be like this when the world returns to normal.

C x

[malina]

Hey Cub,

come on, don't feel bad for seeking support. We are all a mess sometimes, our families are here to help us. I managed to lock myself out of my flat yesterday and spent about 2 hours texting my mum and dad in tears about how useless I am. Would you feel bad if you had a broken arm and needed someone to carry things for you? Would you feel bad if you had a cold and needed someone to make you soup and give you medicine? Well this is no different. Go easy on yourself a little, you're dealing with a complex mental health problem here, this isn't easy and you're doing what you can, that is all that anyone could ask for. 

I think you're making the right steps in cutting down on those websites. We all slip sometimes, you just have to pick yourself up and keep going. But I think you are right that trying to convince yourself that you don't have to change and that god loves you is a compulsion. God has his own opinion and you cannot really know what it is, just like you can't truly know what any other person thinks of you. So you have to just do as everyone else does, accept that you don't have an answer and live in a way that makes you happy. 

[Wren]

Good post

[Cub]

Thanks for the help, guys

Well, I feel very stupid right now. Had a massive breakdown this afternoon to my dad and stepmum after a hard day that dragged and dragged and left me caving and visiting a website that got me upset and totally triggered. Why do I do these things to myself? I don't know if this was ERP but all I knew in my bones was that I didn't agree with what those people were saying and that was fine - I didn't have to. 

But I have caved. I've sent requests for reassurances to priests I follow on social media; I've done a lot of research and I am very, very tired. I know I've let everybody down entirely and I'm so, so sorry for doing this to myself. I've been doing this; visiting hostile websites because I felt compelled to to try and find a flaw in their logic and figure out what they meant, compulsively praying for help. 

I'm just...totally embarrassed right now. I feel like I've exposed myself somehow and I don't know what to do now, except I feel better for having been honest and like I don't 'have' to believe those things. But I'm so ashamed and so humiliated; all this going on and I've been so stupid.

Thankyou everyone and sorry to have let all of you down. 

C x

[snowbear]

46 minutes ago, Cub said:

I'm so ashamed and so humiliated

 Imagine your best friend has had a bad day and feels ashamed and stupid. What would you do? Give her a hug and be compassionate of course. 

Time to practise some self-compassion, Cub! 

[Cub]

Thankyou for the non-judgement, Snow. I'm so sorry for letting you all down. I have counselling tomorrow but we're contemplating the possibility of calling my old psychologist. 

I don't know if this has been exposure or whatnot but it's definitely been obsessive. I've been in great need for reassurance and it's not been good. I've been suffering suicidal thoughts and feeling ashamed of how I've been handling this. Sorry for being so selfish. 

C x

[malina]

Cub, you have nothing to be sorry for! You're not letting anyone down, you're just going through a very difficult time. You don't owe it to anyone to stop doing compulsions or to handle things differently, you have no reason to feel guilt or shame. For what it's worth, you sound like a really lovely person and it's sad to see you suffering like this. I hope the counselling helps but if calling your old therapist may be helpful, you've got nothing to lose. Hang in there! 

[Cub]

Hi everyone

Thankyou for the support and kindnesses. I feel terribly and truly embarrassed by everything that's gone on. I had my first counselling session today over Zoom and that helped; I realised it had been black and white thinking that I'd fallen back into and been triggered by even though counselling and therapy encourages you to think in shades of grey. My counsellor was very kind and gentle; there was no judgement, he said he didn't blame me and he questioned why the website that had triggered me should be so right while I was wrong. Talking to him made me realise I was acting the same way that I had years ago with my first psychologist; that fear of being punished and going to hell (not helped by the fact that this website was toting that as a possibility). I haven't been able to eat properly for two days up till now, but I ate tonight. The ongoing pandemic of course is upsetting in itself because of the lack of certainty and during these tough times, my OCD has grown so bad that I've ended up sending four (4) different priests emails and requests for help. I am, in a nutshell, very embarrassed, but I'm also very angry at the lack of compassion and awareness of the fundamentalism that triggered me. Maybe that's just me pointing fingers but I was left feeling suicidal and deeply anxious by what I found and that's me with a mental health disorder.

I'm also very angry at myself for falling into this in the middle of a pandemic. I can't believe I was so selfish. My stepmum was crying at the news tonight and here I've been anxious by the thoughts in my head and black and white thinking. I feel bad for that. 

Here's hoping that I can sleep and let's see what tomorrow brings. Thankyou for the support, everyone. 

C x