Feeling like I’ll never get better

[Skirk_]

Hi all,

I hope everyone’s well and coping okay in lockdown.

I first posted on this forum almost a year ago, when I was suffering from obsessive thoughts but hadn’t yet been diagnosed with OCD. Some very kind people took the time to reply and I still take comfort from their words today.

Over the last 4 months I have been receiving therapy and have been diagnosed with moderate-severe OCD and mild-moderate anxiety. My issues centre around my past mistakes, specifically an incident when I was 17 and slapped a guy who insulted me. (This was almost 9 years ago now, but the guilt overwhelms me every day. I feel defined by this mistake and like I am an awful abuser who can never be forgiven).

Its extremely difficult to come to terms with as I really hate myself for it but I feel I have been making slow but steady progress. The situation with COVID-19 has also given me some perspective and I hoped to come out of this lockdown, if not cured, at least with a new sense of what’s important.

Today has been a rough day though and I’m just feeling extremely low and hopeless honestly. I gave into my compulsions of reassurance seeking on google and ruminating and I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps back. I feel I will never be over this, that it’s always going to plague my life and that there’s no way out. It makes me wonder if all this therapy and self work is worth it, as I feel as stuck in my head as I ever was.

Sorry for the rant. I would love to hear from anyone whose been able to get over a similar type of OCD as at the minute I just feel bleak and like this will never end.

Thank you for reading x

[BigDave]

Please don’t feel bleak. OCD is a horrible illness but we are all here to support you. OCD is just trying to bully you. 

[Skirk_]

@BigDave thanks for replying. I just need to try to stay positive and take a day at a time I guess...it’s exhausting sometimes!

[Handy]

If you’re tired you should take a nap.  You’ll feel better. 

[dksea]

Hi @Skirk_, sorry to hear you are struggling.  Given the circumstance around the world right now its not unusual that you might be experiencing more anxiety and trouble with your OCD than normal.  Unfortunately everyone is dealing with heightened stress right now, so of course that doesn't help.
 

On 13/04/2020 at 07:47, Skirk_ said:

Today has been a rough day though and I’m just feeling extremely low and hopeless honestly. I gave into my compulsions of reassurance seeking on google and ruminating and I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps back. I feel I will never be over this, that it’s always going to plague my life and that there’s no way out. It makes me wonder if all this therapy and self work is worth it, as I feel as stuck in my head as I ever was.

Unfortunately OCD recovery is not a straight path forward, but one that involves ups AND downs.  Its normal to have bad days, none of us are perfect (far from it), and we aren't just dealing with OCD alone, but various other circumstances in our lives, circumstances that can make things easier or harder depending on the situation.  You have every right to feel frustrated and disappointed that you had a rough day.  Of course its ideal not to give in to compulsions and reassurance seeking, but it happens.  The good news is OCD recovery doesn't require us to be perfect.  All the therapy and self work is not wasted, you are building towards a better future.  While you might not be where you want to be now, what you are learning and doing to improve will help you get there.  OCD recovery is like a marathon, not a sprint.  Its a long and sometimes slow process, but you can get there by continuing to work hard and persist.  

You had a bad day today (or yesterday depending on when you read this I suppose  ) but that doesn't mean tomorrow will be bad, or next week, etc.  each day is a chance to do better.

 

[Skirk_]

@dksea thank you so much, your comment really helped me regain some perspective. You’re right that circumstances at the moment are likely heightening stress for everyone. I’ve been feeling guilty too for worrying about myself and my small problems when there’s so much going on in the world, but I know it’s just my brain’s way of working - I’ve always felt guilty about one thing or another for as long as I can remember! 
 

OCD recovery being a marathon rather than a sprint is good advice, I’ll try to keep that in mind next time I have a bad day  

[dksea]

On 15/04/2020 at 08:12, Skirk_ said:

I’ve been feeling guilty too for worrying about myself and my small problems when there’s so much going on in the world

While it is good to try and keep some perspective on things, its also ok to feel bad when you are struggling, even if your problems seem "small" in comparison.

For example, if you break your finger, you should see a doctor.  Its true that there are worse conditions than breaking your finger (breaking your whole hand, losing your hand, losing your arm, getting bone cancer, etc.) but that doesn't mean your broken finger is not a problem.  Also, you still should (and deserve) to have it fixed.

Additionally ignoring small problems in the short term can result in bigger problems in the long term.  if you can address a problem before it becomes a disaster, than things are better off overall anyway.

You deserve to get better, there is no need to feel guilty about that (though of course I understand that making such guilt go away is not as simple as just saying it )