Husband's OCD affecting the whole family

[Froggy]

Hi, first time poster... my husband developed OCD in his 30s after a bereavement. It was subtle at first but in the last 5-6 years our relationship has been dominated by the OCD. We tried a private therapist and she did bereavement counselling first, but when she started the CBT, my husband made excuses not to go back. I've recently persuaded him to go on SSRI but it doesn't seem to help. He's on a waiting list for NHS therapy but was told 6 month wait even before lockdown so how long now??? He won't touch me or the 3 kids, he won't sit on the sofa or at the table. I'm not allowed to clean certain areas in the house and he can't do it either because "cleaning aerosols the dirt." So if i try he gets angry and says I'm doing it to wind him up. We're not allowed to open windows and he showers for about 3-4 hours per day so the house is damp. If I or the kids  go out even if its just into our garden  we all have to change and shower Immediately on returning or he gets angry. He self harms, he won't eat/drink normally to reduce his toilet exposure. If I touch his clothes or his side of the bed it all has to be washed at 90degrees. He won't leave the house unless he's fully cover so it's only his eyes showing even in summer weather. And he quadruple gloves to go out too. His anger is directed at the house and things, but he has threatened me with violence on a number of occasions. I feel like I'm living with an addict and I'm worried about the effect on the kids, the cost of repairing and replacing broken things, the lack of maintainence in the house, the fact he can't work, I have to work more to cover costs and the anxiety about leaving him with the kids.. I don't think he'd physically hurt them but emotionally.... they don't want me to go... but can't risk the house being repossessed. At the end of my tether, people have suggested I leave,  but he wouldn't cope on his own. And when someone is housebound practically where would he go?... I feel like someone married to a gambler or an alcoholic, they promise to change, beg you to stay, but are powerless to keep the promise and the cycle goes on and gets worse and worse. 

[Hal]

Hi Froggy,

Welcome to the forum

I'm so sorry as a family you're going through this...others may disagree with me, I think tho if I were in your situation with children and a partner who currently won't engage with what he needs - the CBT, I would seriously give some thought to leaving, even if only temporarily...it would send what I think he needs - the strongest message that life can't go on like this and he has to start taking small steps in his own recovery.

Coping with OCD is hard and at times it can be excruciatingly painful for the sufferer, that said, the severity of his problems and their effect on you and your children isn't sustainable. Obviously with all that's happening at the moment leaving him isn't possible, but when life gets back to some semblance of normality would it be possible for you to ask your family or friends if you and your children could stay with them for a short while?

Taking that course of action won't mean cutting off all contact with him, you can still support and visit him, but at least you and your children will have the physical space you need to support your own wellbeing.

I know what I've suggested may sound drastic and perhaps risky, but something needs to happen to break the status quo. Your husband's OCD is severe, it's possibly one of the most severe cases I've encountered on the forum and he may well require inpatient treatment at some point in the future. For the time being I would tho' recommend also continuing to pursue therapy through the NHS and chivvying them up with a letter.

At present, he won't be able to be seen by someone, but possibly in four or five months he will and that needs to be in place. The charity I'm sure would also be able to help if you were to hit problems with them.

Something else that's occurred to me, was whether or not the therapist he saw was proficient in treating OCD. They may well have been, but it might be worth privately running their name by with Ashley, the charity's Chief Exec for his opinion.

Would it also be possible to persuade your husband to take a look at the forum? Possibly knowing others have been where he is now and come through, may help him to grasp there is hope and he can recover.

I hope life begins to improve for you all, please look after yourself.

[Froggy]

How do I contact Ashley? I have given him the link to the forum so I hope he'll use it. How do I chivvy the NHS therapy? I wanted to be involved with the private therapy because I felt suspicious that my husbsnd would still be telling reasonable half truths... if you know what I mean. He's long been in denial and still is in some ways though he has made huge bounds forwards in even agreeing to see the GP. So have to be grateful for small mercies. I don't have anywhere I could go in terms of leaving. I could stay with friends for a few days, but no friendship could withstand me and 3 very bouncy kids intruding their life for any great length of time!! Husbands relatives all live several hours drive away, and my parents are no longer with us...

[Hal]

Seeing his GP's definitely a good sign, it shows he's still prepared to accept some help, it would be them I'd approach again with trying to speed up access to treatment.

The more I've thought about this, the more I'm beginning to wonder if your husband needs to bypass primary care altogether and access secondary care.

That may not be possible, but Ashley's the man to talk to...his no's 03332 127 890, he'll be able to clarify that for you and how best to navigate the system.

I wish I knew what to suggest housing wise. The only alternative I can think of is nowhere near ideal but that would be a refuge where you would be safe, but again the current situation with the virus will be affecting that option too. I will keep thinking this over tho,' there has to be a solution to help you all.

If you do give Ashley a call, it might also be worth asking your husband to have a word with him too.

Ashley knows how hard it is living with OCD and fears around contamination. It may help to nudge your husband on and face the reality of the situation...not only what it's doing to him, but its impact on you and your children too.