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Having OCD and dealing with a loved one who has cancer.


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Hay all. So umm, this is something. My mum has cancer, its more or less terminal now. She has melanoma in her leg, and lung cancer. We just discovered a few days it had spread to her brain. Since then she has been very anxious and stressed. I feel a lot of her current woes come from being so anxious 24/7. And this morning she asked me too Goggle weather her pains around her body could be cancer too. I did, and this has kinda sent my OCD into a spiral. She has some of the symptoms, but they could be of any things. I told her that some things can and that it was not uncommon for people with lung cancer to get bone cancer too. Then I started to panic.


Should I tell her every symptom on the list, I told myself? I went and did some more Goggling in secrete and found some more symptoms of hers that could indicate it, but again, could be other things too. Should I tell her everything that could be a match? What have and have I not told her over the day? My mind began to become muddled and race with things, like if I did not tell her everything and told her she should go form more tests etc then I would be responsible for anything that happened. I told my dad about this, and he seems to just be of the opinion that I should not tell her anything that would worry her. I think my mum understands that she could have bone cancer too, but just wants to deal with everything else first.


I really do not want to put any additional stress on her, but I also fear these anxieties of mine may be genuine and important. I dunno. Any help would be much appreciated.

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@Valamist  I am so sorry to hear about your mothers cancer diagnosis, that must be incredibly hard for your entire family to deal with (especially with all the other garbage going on in the world right now).  As OCD sufferers we can of course relate to that urge to google things, but I think its probably best for both of you that you try and avoid doing so.  One problem is that its going to be tough for anyone who isn't an expert in this area to properly interpret the symptoms and what they mean.  After all there's a reason we have oncologist, whose literal job it is to learn about and understand cancer, its a really complicated thing!  I certainly hope your mother is under proper care of a doctor.  If she is the best thing you can do I think, for both you and her, is to rely on the doctor for advice and diagnosis.  While well intentioned, and again, understand, I think seeking out symptoms and possible meanings on your own will only add stress to both your lives.  
So in my opinion, avoid googling and let the doctor be the one who communicates your mothers situation to her.  You should focus on being there for her and making the most of the time you have together, for however long that may be.  I am so so so sorry that you have to go through this, I can't imagine what it is like.  Do your best both for her and yourself to take care.

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I'm so sorry Valamist- that must be completely overwhelming for you all. 

I agree with Dksea that it's best not to Google. I don't think that bone secondaries would necessarily make the situation any different when there are lung/brain secondaries so it probably wouldn't help to know and it's just putting a lot of pressure on you, in a way that might have an even greater impact on your mental health because you feel responsible for providing and interpreting the info and ensuring that your Mum is getting the right treatments when it's not your job. 

Thinking of you.

 

Edited by BelAnna
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Sorry to hear the news Valamist. I agree with the previous comments. Though it must be difficult if your Mum asks you to google. I also agree with you Dad. If she asks I would say you couldn’t  find anything. You or your Dad could have a  chat with her GP about your findings. A lot of people with physical problems take anti depressants to deal with anxiety and depression. So a prescription could help. Is the pain relief adequate? Regards to you and your family.

Edited by Angst
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Valamist, I am truly, truly sorry to hear this news. Speaking as someone who spent 2014 hiding my OCD from my mother, who sadly died of terminal cancer herself at the end of the year, I completely understand how stressful and upsetting things must be. I wish I was there to give you a massive hug right now and encourage you to ensure that you care for yourself. This must be a bigger worry given the current crisis. ❤️ 

My Mum was very tired and stressed during her last months and she and I clashed and argued a lot. She even swore at my dad. The only thing that would help was watching films with her; she and I used to cuddle on her bed while watching a film or Time Team, which often made her feel safe. It goes without saying but all you can do right now is be there for your mum and help her with things that will make her feel safe. It will be a massive comfort in years to come, I assure you. The memory of all the hugs I had with my Mum helps me when I'm missing her most. Maybe you have a different relationship with your Mum but being there for her the best way you can will be a help, to both of you. 

All my love to you,

C x :hug: 

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Thank you all for the advice and love. I wish I had better news but, well, my mum is now in hospital haveing had a brain bleed. She is not coming out. It could be days or weeks, but, yeah... Of course my mind is now on about our last hug, and if any of the snot on my hair (I had a runny nose at the time) got onto her. Its such a stupid thing to have on my mind! I told my dad, and he simply said that tahts small fry now and I am not infectious or anything anyway. I know that, but my mind keeps thinking "But what if you where!? You had a small snotty nose remember!" and its like... why is OCD so evil or vicious? I just want it to stop, and I know ignoring it is the best way but... its hard.

 

My mum always said that when thios time comes, to remember the good times and be strong, and that is what I plan to do. Just sucks how OCD will be leeaching me like a vampire.

Edited by Valamist
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Oh my love, I am so, so sorry. Of course this is stressful and this is probably your OCD's way of trying to take control. It's okay to be a mess. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Exercise self-care and keep us posted. :hug:Keep one hand on your dad - he's going to need you. ❤️

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1 hour ago, Cub said:

Oh my love, I am so, so sorry. Of course this is stressful and this is probably your OCD's way of trying to take control. It's okay to be a mess. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Exercise self-care and keep us posted. :hug:Keep one hand on your dad - he's going to need you. ❤️

Thank you. Sorry for bringing the mood down. I know the world is hard for everyone, but it did help writing the above. I know there is no way to stop my OCD, its gonna be over me a lot during the next few whatever. I just have to accept that, and move on.

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I don't see how this is bringing the mood down. You're hurting and need support. You have all the love and support here that we can give. ❤️ 

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Just went through it too.  It’s called  Anticipation Grief & if possible ask the nurses for a book or info on what you can expect so you take away some of your uncertainty.

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Thank you again all. @Handy I never realized that was a thing. I have read up a bit about it, and it seems possible. I am sorry for your loss.

Since the news broke Friday, my OCD has been going up and down. Old compulsions have risen, and I have had issues dealing with them. Mostly they have been dampened by now, but now newer(ish) onces have taken their place. My main worry now is if I have a cold (probably hayfeaver, at worse) and my worries are of somehow transferring said cold to my mum in hospital, via infecting my dad who visits her or items we take in for her. Its silly, I know. My dad sees her with full mask and gloves on… but, yeah. My mind likes to trick me. At times I feel like I have it under control, but then my mind will make me think I am being too lax on hand-washing etc. I ended up spraying anti-bac on a hand towl the other day because... you know, I cannot even remember. I have delt with this kinda OCD before, which makes it even more anoyying. Still, gonna keep strong and try and move on from these OCD spikes!

Edited by Valamist
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Hi V

Sorry for not responding sooner. It's okay to have your OCD going up and down; this is a terrible time. OCD does like to trick us, does it not? I know it's annoying, but you're doing well. ❤️

C x :hug: 

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On 18/04/2020 at 00:32, Valamist said:

Thank you. Sorry for bringing the mood down. I know the world is hard for everyone, but it did help writing the above.

You have nothing to apologize for at all!  You are going through something very hard right now, and thats true no matter what else is going on in the world.  Its ok for you to feel not ok, its a rough situation.  
 

On 21/04/2020 at 23:28, Valamist said:

I have delt with this kinda OCD before, which makes it even more anoyying. Still, gonna keep strong and try and move on from these OCD spikes!

Do your best, but also be kind to yourself :)

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Thank you again for all your support and words. I really appreciate it.

Sorry to say that my mum passed away this afternoon. We have been expecting it for almost a week or so now, but yeah, nothing can really prepare you.

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I am so, so sorry, V. I know all too well the pain of losing a mother and I know how hurtful it is. What can we do to help?  ❤️ :hug: 

C x

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Sorry you’re going through this. Before I saw my sister & I just got off the plane, nurses asked me to clean my hands.  That’s all. Anyway there is a lot of uncertainty & just let it be there & feel it. It’ll wash over you & you’ll feel better. 

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21 hours ago, Valamist said:

Sorry to say that my mum passed away this afternoon.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.  Please take care of yourself as best you can and know that we are here to help in at least some small ways.

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Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of your words. This community is a fantastic one.

My OCD seems to have spiked, still about contamination and stuff for this either small cold or hayfeaver I have. Its not a surprise. I will try and sit with it a wade it out, rather then panic.

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V, that's okay. That's absolutely fine. Well done for dealing with that and not being hard on yourself. We're all here and all proud of you and we support you. ❤️

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