Struggling so much I can't eat

[Cub]

Hi everybody

How are we?

I'm not doing tell well - sorry. I've been struggling so much and am very shaken and upset; I can't focus on anything and everything gives me anxiety. I'm trying to get on with things but it's far, far too difficult; I keep crying, I can barely eat and often feel trembly and like I'm going to pass out. I keep confiding in my dad and stepmum - I feel better at night, but the day is hard. I'm trying to do futurelearn courses, but it's difficult to concentrate. 

I also feel so, so worried about the weeks ahead; that I won't cope and I'll snap completely and do something stupid. I feel bad for feeling like this, especially as others have it so much worse and I'm having suicidal thoughts, because I don't want to feel like this and it's hurting me. I feel vulnerable without structure and feel terrified of the future and whether I'll survive this unscathed.

Sorry to sound so gloomy; I expect it's the same for everybody. 

C x  

[malina]

Hey Cub,

I remember feeling this way and can completely understand how vulnerable you feel without structure. Deep breaths, you can and will make it through this! What helped me get through feeling how you are was really making myself stick to some kind of structure, even if there is very little structure around you. I always made sure I did the basics, like shower, make my bed, eat (even though sometimes I could barely swallow because I was so anxious). I think you need to do the same and just take it one moment at a time. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, it is nothing to be ashamed about and it also does not mean that something bad will actually happen. Maybe you should try to accept that you will feel this way for a bit and that it's actually okay. No need to panic just because you're feeling anxious. Stay strong Cub, this madness will pass and things will get back to normal xx

[CupofTea]

Hi Cub,

I just wanted to say that you are not alone - I have read some of your previous posts and have struggled with similar themes.

My anxiety has also been horrendous lately - I think a lot of people are struggling at the moment. OCD is such a nasty illness, but that's what it is: an illness. I find it's really important to remind myself of that regularly.

Have you tried a relaxation app to support you? There are some great ones out there - I'm finding the 'Calm' one helpful at the moment.

Hang on in there, and be kind to yourself.  

Xx

[Handy]

You need to eat, that could why you’re trembling, no food. 

[Cub]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone.

I just feel so helpless at the moment; I hate feeling this way. It hurts me so much; my stepmother has gently pointed out that I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself but I don't seem to know how to stop. I've been feeling a little bit better this weekend and I'm going to start CBT tomorrow, but I wish I didn't feel this way. I'm having constant anxiety dreams and ruminating during the day. The only time I get any relief is during the family dinner; we usually go and watch a film together afterwards and it's become my respite.

I feel so terrible for admitting this but maybe it's time I was honest. I've been holding back from this part because I've not wanted to offend anyone, but I've become obsessed with the question of the Bible and homosexuality - which is highly hypocritical of me as I don't read the Bible. I became triggered a month ago by some fundamental Christian stuff online which got under my skin and now I can't stop thinking about it. It means I can't do anything as a result; I can't relax, I can't do anything I enjoy - I have a lot of LGBT friendly favourite medias, books and shows and I feel awful for feeling this way because I just feel I'm being an idiot and letting other people and myself down. My old psychologist told me to be a bit more naughty years ago and not to be rigid and I'm trying to remember that - plus all the stuff about the Bible being written centuries ago, etc. I know if I went and found out more information I'd probably feel better but I'm scared to in case my OCD gets worse. I've been looking for affirmations as reassurance and feeling so upset and frustrated; I know no two views in religion are the same. I attended a virtual church service this morning (my first one) and was comforted by the sermon about doubting Thomas; the vicar spoke about the fact that she felt he was much maligned and about the fact that we don't have to pay attention to all the things other Christians say; we have to find our own way (I'm paraphrasing but that was the gist of it). 

I guess I've been anxious about everything; I've been feeling like a teenager again, struggling with this first time around and I can't even write my stories. I was hoping to write as an escape from all this but I can't do anything and feel paralysed by the doubt. When I had OCD as a teenager, I was pretty strict with myself and initially gave a lot of things up to satisfy the anxiety but of course it all came back in time. I've been scared that God is asking me to be strict with myself and to give the same things up again and whether I should, because then it'll make the anxiety go away. I've been reading stories about other fundamental Christians who have made many sacrifices, including staying celibate and it was unbelieveable and I keep ruminating about that and whether it means something, that I have to change because they seemed to give some pretty good arguments and I was scared I agreed with them. I keep going over and over it in my mind, trying to find an answer and it makes the days difficult, because I get so scared and worrisome and my anxiety is just active all the time because I feel everything I knew and believed about God is under threat and it's been hurting me; what if God is stricter than I thought? What if I have to try harder, be better? I came to relax and believe in the unconditional love of a father who accepts his children as they are, with all their mistakes and imperfections and it did my OCD a power of good. But now here I am again. 

My sincere apologies towards anyone this may well have caused offence to. I'm sorry to be like this and for letting you guys down; I feel like such a fool. An easily-brainwashed, naïve fool. If I've hurt anyone with this, I am truly sorry. 

C x

 

[SeaBreeze]

On 17/04/2020 at 17:10, Cub said:

Hi everybody

How are we?

I'm not doing tell well - sorry. I've been struggling so much and am very shaken and upset; I can't focus on anything and everything gives me anxiety. I'm trying to get on with things but it's far, far too difficult; I keep crying, I can barely eat and often feel trembly and like I'm going to pass out. I keep confiding in my dad and stepmum - I feel better at night, but the day is hard. I'm trying to do futurelearn courses, but it's difficult to concentrate. 

I also feel so, so worried about the weeks ahead; that I won't cope and I'll snap completely and do something stupid. I feel bad for feeling like this, especially as others have it so much worse and I'm having suicidal thoughts, because I don't want to feel like this and it's hurting me. I feel vulnerable without structure and feel terrified of the future and whether I'll survive this unscathed.

Sorry to sound so gloomy; I expect it's the same for everybody. 

C x  

Please don't apologise for not doing well. I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. We are here for you.

Are you able to do some meditation or mindfulness and just focus on the here and now? I know it's easier said that done. You don't need to feel bad, I'm so sorry you're having suicidal thoughts.

Are you safe right now?

I am also feeling bad, guilty. The truth is this pandemic is affecting everyone and it's ok to not be ok, there will always be someone worse off than you, so it's time to put yourself to the front of the queue, or you will never reach it.

What activities do you like doing? x

[Cub]

Thanks for those kind words, Alex

I usually like to write but have been finding it difficult recently; one of the websites I found that triggered me has made me feel as though the kinds of things I like to write are no longer allowed and I suffer from severe religious guilt. I'm trying not to lean too heavily on my family but while I want this whole lockdown to be over to we can return to normal, at the same time I'm scared to leave them because I'll be on my own again. I keep having vivid dreams and nightmares and while I find mindfulness helpful, I wonder if it will be able to cure me long-term.

I have online CBT today, so wish me luck with that. Thankyou everyone for your kindnesses, despite the cruelty of the problem that's making me feel so bad. 

C x  

[Orwell1984]

2 hours ago, Cub said:

Thanks for those kind words, Alex

I usually like to write but have been finding it difficult recently; one of the websites I found that triggered me has made me feel as though the kinds of things I like to write are no longer allowed and I suffer from severe religious guilt. I'm trying not to lean too heavily on my family but while I want this whole lockdown to be over to we can return to normal, at the same time I'm scared to leave them because I'll be on my own again. I keep having vivid dreams and nightmares and while I find mindfulness helpful, I wonder if it will be able to cure me long-term.

I have online CBT today, so wish me luck with that. Thankyou everyone for your kindnesses, despite the cruelty of the problem that's making me feel so bad. 

C x  

Cub, I remember being in this state of mind. This is the worst that it will get and the only way is up ultimately. I promise you that. What I did to get more stable at the time was to forcefully try to do external (external to thinking and being in my head) activities which would physically tire me out. I did loads of exercise and manual things. Is there anything like that that you can do at home? Do you have an exercise bike or exercise equipment? Even if you forced yourself to go out of your house and run the outside of it if that’s doable or go on an hour’s power walk every day with your mum  or dad and focus on the surroundings as much as you can during that time. Forcibly say to yourself in you head (as this is short term and just to break the never ending rumination cycle) ‘so what’, no matter what question is thrown at you or what you are feeling a need to analyse, say ‘so what’ and focus back onto your power walk. Exhaust yourself. It will raise your endorphins and you will be too tired to think. Do it.  

Exhausting physical activity + ‘so what’ over the period of a month or less will prise you out of the funk. It is NOT easy but I can definitely say that that is what helped me at that particular time in my life and I hope and really do think it will help you.

[SeaBreeze]

6 hours ago, Cub said:

Thanks for those kind words, Alex

I usually like to write but have been finding it difficult recently; one of the websites I found that triggered me has made me feel as though the kinds of things I like to write are no longer allowed and I suffer from severe religious guilt. I'm trying not to lean too heavily on my family but while I want this whole lockdown to be over to we can return to normal, at the same time I'm scared to leave them because I'll be on my own again. I keep having vivid dreams and nightmares and while I find mindfulness helpful, I wonder if it will be able to cure me long-term.

I have online CBT today, so wish me luck with that. Thankyou everyone for your kindnesses, despite the cruelty of the problem that's making me feel so bad. 

C x  

I this mindfulness helps keep things at bay, and the more you learn about it, the more it can help you - it won't resolve all things, it just helps you like medication I think you cope with other events in life. Mindfulness can be just sitting down looking around at everything you have in your house, but doing it mindfully.

I have also been having bad nightmares, I saw a news article that it currently is a real thing with the COVID-19 worries, it somehow links to poor sleep, so hopefully that will improve when the pandemic eases off.

How did the CBT session go?

Been thinking of you.

 

A x

[Cub]

Thankyou for the kind words everyone. Sorry I took a while to get back to you all.

This morning, I consulted by prior arrangement a friend of mine from Uni who is a vicar and openly gay as I was feeling utterly tormented by everything; I had become obsessed with various readings regarding the Bible and last night told my best friend what was going on. I know at the end of the day, you have to have faith and it's down to what I believe, rather than someone else but I've been struggling for a long, long time and ruminating constantly and I wasn't sure what to believe in anymore. I showed my friend the website that had been triggering me - checking it, trying to understand it and its logic, getting triggered and going hunting for online reassurance that this wasn't the case - and he calmly took me through it - it was a relief to show somebody what had got under my skin as all the horrible words of this website were all I could think of. He explained the flaw in their logic and I explained my shame; my theological knowledge hasn't been great as I've been afraid of being triggered, or finding things out that I don't want to know. I explained my shame to my friend and he said I was sensible in seeking help.

But now, I feel so terrible. I'm nearly thirty - THIRTY - and yet I came dangerously close to letting someone else tell me what to believe, even radicalise me. I feel like I've let so many people down with this because I was just obsessed with finding an answer and trying to find some reassurance that everything was okay and getting so tangled up in my rumination. I feel I've disappointed my family, my best friend (who told me there was no judgement from her but whose own problems are much more real than my own theoretical and theological ones) and that I'm a silly, gullible, naïve person. I know I'm obsessive-compulsive and my brother and dad reckon that this has been a reaction to the loss of control and routine but it just feels like I let everyone down, including myself. I could have stood by my own beliefs; instead I doubted everything I was ever told. So I'm ashamed and feel stupid, and like I deserve to be punished. 

C x

[malina]

Come on Cub, I'm 32 and in the last year I've been so frightened by my intrusive thoughts that I haven't been able to spend the night at home alone. I feel like a child who needs babysitting sometimes! There is nothing to be ashamed about here, our beliefs are influenced by others more often than we'd like to admit. Also, I don't think these people really influenced your real beliefs, they triggered your anxiety, forcing you to doubt your beliefs and yourself. They triggered your OCD. Besides, OCD is there and it doesn't even matter what the trigger is, you are vulnerable to it and it happened. I hope the chat made you feel a bit better and that you're able to relax a little now xx

[Cub]

You're very kind Malina. Thankyou for your encouragement; you've been a rock throughout this. What you say about it being anxiety verse belief makes sense; the anxiety is like having a head full of nits whereas the belief is heart-felt and true. It's just hard to tell the difference sometimes. Thankyou.  

C x

[Cub]

Hi y'all

Didn't want to start a new topic, so I'll bump this up with a new update:

Last night I had a conversation with my dad and stepmum over what was bothering me. I found out that I'm to be furloughed until the 30th June and was stressed at the concept of being alone with my anxiety all that time, and not being able to handle it. I opened up to my dad and stepmum and explained my fear: that I'm terrified of being radicalised into a more extreme form of Christianity. I had been bothered by a particular website for some time that wouldn't leave me alone - or rather, that I wouldn't leave alone - because I was trying to make sense of their argument and didn't agree, but was worried that I did. I then went and sent messages to more left wing Christians asking for reassurance and advice that everything was okay and that I didn't have to follow that stuff. My quality of life has been quite badly affected; I've been unable to do anything, or enjoy anything, have been crying a lot, and just wanting to sleep. I know, it's the same for all but I was terrified God was asking me to be someone I didn't want to be.

After breaking down to my dad and stepmum and showing them the website that was bothering me, my dad gently told me that my OCD had obviously got me. I don't know if this counts as OCD but it feels, to me, that in the same way someone fears being a paedophile or somesuch, I've been terrified of buying into a vibe of Christianity I don't want. I was literally begging my dad and stepmum to ensure that I didn't become someone I didn't want to be and to make sure I didn't become bad. I've been terrified and trying to make sense of it all, and desperately seeking reassurance from my friends and family, along with religious figures, that who I am is enough and I don't have to change. 

So yeah. I'm anxious about what lies ahead and I'm scared about snapping and doing something silly just so I'll have to worry about. I'm worried about handling my OCD over the next few months while all of this is going on but I guess all I can do now is be gentle with myself. I'm terrified of not enjoying anything and of getting so anxious, I won't be able to operate, or may have to be sectioned. 

So yeah. Good thoughts and encouragement appreciated at this time. I'm aware I'm a handful, but I'm also in need of distraction and scared to commit to a routine in case my OCD kicks in again. 

C x

[ecomum]

I was scared to commit to a routine too, in the sense that the less I did the less chance I had of a trigger or becoming upset again. I started with very small steps. I did one small thing each day , which has now built up to a sort of routine.

I also went back on meds which has helped me to calm and took the edge off things for me.

Hope this helps. You have made a step talking to your family and you are doing well in these challenging times , I felt like you but it is slowly lifting .

[Gemma7]

Hi Cub, I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling

You seem unsure if this sort of researching, worrying is OCD but it sounds very much like any sort of checking. You worry you're a bad person and check for reactions to websites etc. Have you done CBT before? Have you got any notes to refer to?

I think it's important to look at why you do all the research which is to be certain that what you fear won't happen. The problem is that by researching you're actually increasing your doubt and becoming more uncertain. As with other types of OCD the solution becomes the problem. To feel more certain (you can never be 100% sure no one can) you need to stop trying to be certain. It's counter-intuitive I know, but you will feel so much better if you do

[Cub]

Hi Gemma

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I wanted to 'make sure' I didn't believe that stuff and that I didn't have to change but last night I broke down and showed the website to my dad and stepmum, literally pleading with them to make sure I didn't buy into that stuff. Perhaps this is reassurance seeking, but I've felt so alone; I was afraid of 'having' to become radicalised and becoming a horrible kind of Christian. I realised today that that was what I'd been doing; checking to see that I didn't buy into this stuff. I know that by checking the website, I got more scared that it was true and that I would do something horrible; be a certain kind of Christian. I was terrified of being brainwashed and felt like I was the perfect target because I was so anxious I would have done anything to make it stop. Thankyou for your insight - and to you too, ecomum. I'm glad your own stress is starting to lower. I guess that this has been a stressful situation for everyone. 

Thankyou again.  

C x

[dksea]

23 hours ago, Cub said:

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I wanted to 'make sure' I didn't believe that stuff and that I didn't have to change but last night I broke down and showed the website to my dad and stepmum, literally pleading with them to make sure I didn't buy into that stuff. Perhaps this is reassurance seeking, but I've felt so alone;

Was it reassurance seeking? Sure.  Is it understandable that sometimes you just can't do the "right" thing when it comes to OCD? Sure.

None of us are perfect (or close), and its totally understandable that we get overwhelmed sometimes and even though we aren't "supposed" to, we need that extra help.  Its especially understandable in a stressful time like we are currently experiencing that we might be more on edge.  Don't worry (lol, right?) Cub, what you did was totally relatable.  I've been there too.

I hope talking with your parents helped, your dad is right to remind you its very much an OCD type situation to have these types of fears.  Try your best to treat it as OCD, but also, be kind to yourself, these are tough times so its good to give yourself a break too

[Cub]

Thankyou DKSea and thankyou all for your kindnesses and help. 

It does feel like an OCD situation, but it is hard because religion is involved and my thought is, 'I don't want to take any chances with the afterlife.' It doesn't seem to matter that my God is loving and the biggest commandment is to love thy neighbour as thyself. Things are just really difficult and I feel a bit scared. I know I'm not alone right now and I'm eating better and trying to avoid the things that upset me and make me ruminate, but it is so, so hard right now and everything's just a bit frightening because I don't know if I need to try harder and do better. But I know that where religious OCD is concerned, there is a sense of almost 'rubbing yourself up against the alter' in a desperate need for reassurance and having faith is having the power to step away and trust you've done your best and trusting in the God you believe in to guide yourself. I'm experiencing pressure to be perfect and to be good.

I keep trying to confide in my dad and stepmum the fear that I'll never get better but they keep telling me not to think like that. The trouble is, I've had these fears before, years ago when I was on a long summer holiday and I had a similar kind of thing going on; similar fears. I've become a lot less rigid since then but I'm just worried of the past repeating itself. I know I have to be kind to myself and to others, but it's hard to have that mindset right now and it's hard to let go. I don't know what's going to happen here; I just want to be a good person and not be too hard on myself. Just, right now, my OCD is stopping me from writing; I feel like I can't write about issues of sexuality for example in case I'm 'sinning'  and I'm wondering if God wants me to do something.

Hopefully it'll all sort itself out in time. I just want to be productive and make the most of this lockdown but my anxiety is just stopping me at the moment from doing anything. But maybe it's okay not to be okay and to have shaky periods right now, what with the world being the way it is. I just want to feel safe and secure but then I guess we all do. And at least I'm having some counselling and I have my second round of CBT coming up - it's all typed, so that's a bit tricky as I'm used to communicating one to one, face-to-face. But I'm getting some help and that's a good thing. If it feels like OCD, it probably is. 

C x