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Hi everybody,

 

After it went reasonably well for a while, more complaints have surfaced in the past few days.

 

When I just changed my 1.5-year-old son (1 hr ago) I noticed that he got an (erection). This happens sometimes, and usually I don't really think about it. The erection must be because I also clean his genitals with the baby wipes and my hands. When i cleaned his front side with one babywipe everything was already fairly clean, and I wondered if I should do it again, especially because he just got an erection. Normally i clean both sides (front and back) with multiple wipes like 3 -4 I chose to clean it with just one more baby wipe to be sure, This time he got an erection again. I already thought about that this could happen after the first wipe, but I chose to do it anyway.

Now I am in a very difficult inner conflict, because after his first erection I couldn't think of anything else except the erection, and the fact that I chose to clean again must have been because I was curious if he again would get an erection! atleast i did think it might happen, and i still did it! all while it probably was not really neccesary.

I don't get aroused at all by my son or anything like this, but I don't understand why I chose to do it again while just one babywipe for the front side would have been enough. Alot of the times i use  2 or 3 wipes per side, and sometimes i only use 1 wipe per side it depends. but now that it really was not neccessery why did  istill did it more then one time? 

 

Especially the fact that after the first time wiping his front side i thought so much about the fact that he got an erection from that makes that I can't help but think that I must have done it again to induce an erection.

 

I really feel like a monster now, what should I do? I could litterly cry so hard right now.

 

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46 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

I really feel like a monster now, what should I do? I could litterly cry so hard right now.

Hey @Ironborn sorry you are having a rough time.  Try to remind yourself that you have OCD and so its going to distort your thinking.  That means when you have these thoughts you know upset you its probably because of OCD.  Even though you don't feel SURE its OCD, try your best to treat it as OCD.  Try your best to remember you are a good person, not a monster, and that the real monster is the OCD creating doubt and fear in your mind.  Keep caring for your son as you normally would.  Hang in there.

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3 minutes ago, dksea said:

Hey @Ironborn sorry you are having a rough time.  Try to remind yourself that you have OCD and so its going to distort your thinking.  That means when you have these thoughts you know upset you its probably because of OCD.  Even though you don't feel SURE its OCD, try your best to treat it as OCD.  Try your best to remember you are a good person, not a monster, and that the real monster is the OCD creating doubt and fear in your mind.  Keep caring for your son as you normally would.  Hang in there.

Hi @dksea thank you so much for you reply.

I know this has all the ocd alarmbells goin off. and i know my ocd is probably making thins alot worse then wat they actually are. 

There just this one thing that really keeps bothering me, and that is that after having cleaned him with the first babywipe on the frontside he got the erection. immediatly i got the exact thought ''would he get another erection if i cleaned him again?'' and altough it seemed quite clean already i chose to clean him again with a second baby wipe on his frontside again, and indeed he got the same reaction (erection). Altough i usually use 2 or 3 baby wipes for just his front side anyway, i still feel this time my motivation was diffrent because i had the axact thought if it might happen again.

How could i moce on from that? its not as if he was still very dirty or anything he prob would have been ok after the first baby wipe. and i dont ALWAYS use more then one baby wipe, but most of the time i do, and so i did this time (whhich alot of the times also has to do with me being scared he might not be cleaned enough, and i want to be sure he is really clean).

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32 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

There just this one thing that really keeps bothering me

The sirens song of OCD :) Trust me, I understand, that "one thing" really seems important in your mind.  You have to work at reminding yourself that it isn't, even though it feels that way.  

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After the incident i wrote about here. ive changed his diaper 2 times. the second time was okish but the third time (15 mins ago) again was bad. i knew that the moment was coming where i had to clean his front side (especially the genitals) and after having cleaned his bum from feces, i got to the front, where i first cleaned his groin with one wipe. and got another wipe to clean his genitalia, but before i did i again got the thought will he get a erection? and i still cleaned it. he did not get an erection, but i felt immense guilt and shame again. why did i not clean it with the first wipe? why w=take another wipe and almost purposly think ''will he get erect again?'' and then clean it.

I like to think i was trying to expose myself to my fear, but now again im very worried and dont know what to think anymore.

I volunteerd to change his diaper because i felt i had to keep doing this to not let ocd win, but it really felt so counterproductive. and to top it off i told my wife after the first time ehat happened ans she then asked me did you clean his genitals because yo uwere curious or because it had to be done? i then got anxious because of her question, that was after the first time, now after the 3th time i told her again what happened and was hoping for some sort of support, and this time she answered; Did you think ''will he get erect again if i clean is genitals'' because of ocd OR because you were curious?

I am seriously so anxious right now. Me and my wife have been together for 12 years of which i have been fighting ocd for 5 now. and she still asks me things which could  make my OCD WORSE!!

What do i do?

SHe has been with me to the psych already and made her try understand ocd a bit. i tried explaining to her numerous times what ocd is for me, but everytime i have an obsession or am scared i am some sort of monster she kinda reacts in a way as if it might be true that i am a monster......

Please help!

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After the incident, I wrote about here. I’ve again changed his diaper 2 times. The second time was ok-ish but the third time (15 mins ago) again was bad. I knew that the moment was coming where I had to clean his front side (especially the genitals) and after having cleaned his bum from feces, I got to the front, where I first cleaned his groin with one wipe. and got another wipe to clean his genitalia, but before I did I again got the thought will he get an erection? and i still cleaned it. he did not get an erection, but i felt immense guilt and shame again. why did i not clean it with the first wipe? why w=take another wipe and almost purposely think ''will he get erect again?'' and then clean it.

 

I like to think I was trying to expose myself to my fear, but now again I’m very worried and don’t know what to think anymore.

 

I volunteered to change his diaper because I felt I had to keep doing this to not let OCD win, but it really felt so counterproductive. and to top it off I told my wife after the first time what happened and she then asked me did you clean his genitals because you were curious or because it had to be done? I then got anxious because of her question, that was after the first time, now after the 3rd time I told her again what happened and was hoping for some sort of support, and this time she answered; Did you think ''will he get erect again if I clean is genitals'' because of OCD OR because you were curious?

 

I am seriously so anxious right now. Me and my wife have been together for 12 years of which I have been fighting OCD for 5 now. and she still asks me things which could make my OCD WORSE!!

 

What do I do?

 

She has been with me to the psych already and made her try to understand OCD a bit. I tried explaining to her numerous times what OCD is for me, but every time I have an obsession or am scared I am some sort of monster she kinda reacts in a way as if my OCD is not OCD but really me, she then can’t think why someone with OCD would think of harming someone (she still thinks OCD is more about cleaning and stuff I believe) and therefore thinks that those weird and disturbing thoughts might be my own thoughts and not OCD thoughts.

 

Please help!

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5 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I tried explaining to her numerous times what OCD is for me

Hi Ironborn, 

I'm wondering how you've worded these explanations to your wife as there are clues in what you wrote that you're perhaps not clear yourself how OCD operates. :unsure:

5 hours ago, Ironborn said:

she kinda reacts in a way as if my OCD is not OCD but really me

she thinks that those weird and disturbing thoughts might be my own thoughts and not OCD thoughts.

This is an example. Please read carefully what I'm going to say next so there's no misunderstanding. :) 

These thoughts are your thoughts. They occur in your head, originate in your brain. What makes them OCD is not the content, but how you react to having the thought. 

So having a bad thought doesn't make it 'OCD' as if there was some other person having the thought that doesn't reflect the real you. It's the meaning you put on having the thought which creates the anxiety that fuels the compulsions - and that's what makes it OCD. 

This might be why your wife is struggling to understand. She's probably at a loss to think why you would believe having the thought makes you a bad person in the same way you think it does. If she (or anyone else without OCD) had a thought like that she'd dismiss it as meaningless and not consider that having the thought was a reflection of her moral self. 

 

5 hours ago, Ironborn said:

she still asks me things which could make my OCD WORSE!!

What do I do?

Nothing anybody says can make your OCD worse. :no: Only YOU can make it worse, by putting a negative meaning on what other people say. 

That's the key idea you need to catch onto - OCD is about the meaning you give to thoughts/ feelings/ what people say. 

Change the way you interpret things and you change the outcome. That's how CBT works. 

When is your next CBT appointment? 

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I keep getting the idea that a small part of me wanted or was curious if he would have a erections again if I cleaned him with a second wipe.... 

What does this say about me? 

How can I live with that? 

 

"I've never had this before, and I feel zero sexual attraction towards my son or any other child, baby or toddler. 

 

I just don't know how I can live with myself if maybe I cleaned him a second time with the question coming up 'would he get an erection if I clean him a second time?' 

 

Please help! 

Edited by Ironborn
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I am now getting more convinced that I touched him and cleaned him just to see if he got an erection from it. 

Because how can it not be that if I got the thought 'if I touch him again he might get an erection again'. And I still did it. 

I'm trying to tell myself I did it as exposure but that just won't work for me. 

Is it possible that I might just was curious for real? How do I cope with that? 

And what if I touched him to check if I'm a pedo or anything? 

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Someone just posted on a ocd group in Facebook that it is disturbing to try and get your son erected. 

Now I'm really starting to think that must be the reason why I wiped him a second time. 

 

I feel so bad. I really need some help here, I'm in total panic right now. Please.... Please help!!! 

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5 hours ago, Ironborn said:

What does this say about me? 

That's the problem in a nutshell. You've convinced yourself your thoughts/ actions mean something. That they say something about the kind of person you are.

But they mean diddly squat. Neither the thought nor the meaning you've given it say anything about you other than you're scared of being a bad person. Which means you're not bad because bad people don't worry about their thoughts or actions. 

4 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I am now getting more convinced that I touched him and cleaned him just to see if he got an erection from it. 

Of course you are. Because you've ruminated on it endlessly, playing it over in your head and questioning your motives until you're convinced there's only one explanation for all this. 

Ruminating is a compulsion. The more you give in to it the stronger the anxiety and self-doubt will become. 

4 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I'm trying to tell myself I did it as exposure but that just won't work for me. 

So stop trying to explain why you did it - looking for reasons is just another compulsion. 

4 hours ago, Ironborn said:

And what if I touched him to check if I'm a pedo or anything? 

Checking your reactions is another compulsion. Every compulsion you give in to and do strengthens the feeling you've done something wrong and worsens the thoughts and doubt.

 

4 hours ago, Ironborn said:

Is it possible that I might just was curious for real? How do I cope with that? 

Yes. It's possible you were curious for real. You cope with it by accepting it for what it was - curiosity. Then you forget about it and let it go.  You accept that your actions were just an act of curiosity and stop making it into a big deal in your head as if it said something about you.

46 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

Someone just posted on a ocd group in Facebook that it is disturbing to try and get your son erected. 

The sort of people who post things like that on Facebook aren't the kind of people you need as friends. Says more about them than it does about you. (That they don't understand their own OCD fears let alone anybody else's.) My advice is unfriend them and steer clear of social media groups that fuel your OCD. Don't believe everything you read on the internet. At least here on the forums you'll get good, honest advice which will help you to overcome your OCD if you follow it. 

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@snowbear The same person that reacted in a offensive way on facebook, i have contacted her ttrough private message. she then again told me numerous times she finds it very disturbing that i said i cleaned my child until he got erect, and that i should leave taking care of him to my wife, and find help myself before i might actually hurt my son!!!

I can honestly say that i am not 100% sure that i was not a bit curious if my sons body might react the same again. but then again i am not sure if that indeed was what i was hoping for when going in for a second wipe. 

how can i know for sure what my intentions were? altough i know that maybe subconscious my curiosity must have played a role aswell.

im going into this rabbit hole i cant get out until i know my true intentions from that moment.

Edited by Ironborn
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21 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

im going into this rabbit hole i cant get out until i know my true intentions from that moment.

You will never know your "true intentions" from that moment.  Its impossible.  Its also unnecessary.  Maybe you were just cleaning.  Maybe you were a little curious.  There is no way to go back and check.  No amount of ruminating on the moment will allow you to relieve it.  You can't do a brain scan to even decide what a "true intention" is. You are trying to apply some kind of absolute, black and white/yes or no structure to something that doesn't work that way AND to something that happened in the past.   OCD tells you you MUST know.  Reality however doesn't require that at all.  You've spent your entire life living without having absolutely certainty about anything.  Absolute certainty doesn't exist.  It can't exist.  Its logically, and probably physically impossible.  The certainty we feel is an illusion, a convenient slight of hand the brain normally performs to smooth things over for us and make our lives easier.  OCD screws that up, which sucks, but it doesn't change that certainty is and has always been impossible.  Nothing you can do from this point on will change what happened, its in the past.

The best thing you can do is keep living your life as normally as possible.  Keep caring for your son.
The worst thing you can do is to react in fear, and allow these doubts to control your life.  To avoid your son.

Do the best thing.  Its ok.
 

29 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

The same person that reacted in a offensive way on facebook, i have contacted her ttrough private message. she then again told me numerous times she finds it very disturbing that i said i cleaned my child until he got erect, and that i should leave taking care of him to my wife, and find help myself before i might actually hurt my son!!!

This person is not helping you.  You can ALWAYS find someone who will be judge mental and assume the worst.  That doesn't mean they are right.  Ignore them.  Don't engage with them.  Don't message them.  I'd avoid posting about OCD in a Facebook forum to begin with.  Facebook is not the best environment for that kind of support in my opinion.  Fortunately there are places like this that are.

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2 hours ago, dksea said:

You will never know your "true intentions" from that moment.  Its impossible.  Its also unnecessary.  Maybe you were just cleaning.  Maybe you were a little curious.  There is no way to go back and check.  No amount of ruminating on the moment will allow you to relieve it.  You can't do a brain scan to even decide what a "true intention" is. You are trying to apply some kind of absolute, black and white/yes or no structure to something that doesn't work that way AND to something that happened in the past.   OCD tells you you MUST know.  Reality however doesn't require that at all.  You've spent your entire life living without having absolutely certainty about anything.  Absolute certainty doesn't exist.  It can't exist.  Its logically, and probably physically impossible.  The certainty we feel is an illusion, a convenient slight of hand the brain normally performs to smooth things over for us and make our lives easier.  OCD screws that up, which sucks, but it doesn't change that certainty is and has always been impossible.  Nothing you can do from this point on will change what happened, its in the past.

The best thing you can do is keep living your life as normally as possible.  Keep caring for your son.
The worst thing you can do is to react in fear, and allow these doubts to control your life.  To avoid your son.

Do the best thing.  Its ok.
 

This person is not helping you.  You can ALWAYS find someone who will be judge mental and assume the worst.  That doesn't mean they are right.  Ignore them.  Don't engage with them.  Don't message them.  I'd avoid posting about OCD in a Facebook forum to begin with.  Facebook is not the best environment for that kind of support in my opinion.  Fortunately there are places like this that are.

HI. 

 

Thanks for the reply. Maybe your right and certainty does nog exist. What if I just accept that a part of it was curiosity? How awful it feels and sounds maybe that is my starting point? 

Does that mean I should now view myself as a child molester? 

What do I do with the part that did it out of curiosity. (although I don't feel sure it was curiousity). I need to make this worst case scenario, so it can only get better. 

 

Everytime I try and tell myself it was just something that happened in the moment with no real bad intentions my mind immediately says I am trying to blame it on my ocd. Or that I am downplaying what occurred. 

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I feel as if the only way to move on from this. Is to desensitize myself, try to not care about a thing anymore. Only if I feel nothing I can be ok with what I've done right? 

In the past when I was scared that I might do something bad I was able to reassure myself with; I don't have such feelings towards children & I know I'm not a pedo. 

But now that won't work anymore, now I have this thing that has happened that will always be used against me. 

Deep down I still know I'm no pedo to be honest. I don't feel attracted to children in such a manner just not at all. 

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@snowbear @dksea @PolarBear anyone?

It now feels to me that there is no doubt it must have been with wrong intentions as to what has happened. 

Everytime I try to move my thoughts away from that moment, replaying the moment inside my head, I get this thought or feeling that to move on I first need to accept I did something horribly wrong, but I just can't. Because if I accept that it means I'm that monster I've been afraid of for so long. 

The issue here is that right before the moment it had happened and I made my choice to go in for 'another' clean I did not really had ocd thoughts I believe, so I also can't really say I acted upon my ocd to 'check' what would happen. 

This must mean ocd plays no part in this and that I'm really a monster. On the contrary I know for a 100% I don't feel attracted to my son or other children. So where does that bring me now? Was what I did a act out of curiosity? Joy? Maybe a bit 'clean' ocd? As I usually tend to make 100% sure he really is clean because I'm afraid he might have bacteria down there etc. Or could it be a combination of all those things? 

In the end I know for 99.99% certainty my son has not cared about this at all. It were just 'cleaning" motions, no other sexual interaction took place, so in his mind everything is OK now. He is 1.5 yes old btw. 

The only thing that now keeps me in this panic state is what we're my intentions at that moment? 

I know for a fact that before I started undressing him to change I his diaper I did not think about him maybe getting erection at all. Only after using the first baby wipe when suddenly did get erect I become aware of it and the couple of second between throwing away the first baby wipe and grabbing the second one is where I must have made some kind of choice if I would go in for another clean or not. All this happened while I was quite focused on the fact he got erect and I waited for it to disappear. In that time I must have been contemplating if going for a second wipe was ok. And I chose to do it indeed while knowing (anticipating) he was prob going to get erect again. And now I'm wondering, or almost 100% sure I probably hoped for that to happen again.

 So my thoughts now are not was I doing it out of curiositybbut rather how do I accept it was out of curiosity? And can I live with myself knowing what I have done? 

 

Edited by Ironborn
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Every time I look at my son he seems so happy and full of joy. I feel torn between love for my son and massive guilt. I wish I could turn back time, but I can't. 

Everytime I think about redirecting my thoughts away from ruminating I feel as if it's no use because I cannot make things undone by ignoring them. 

No of fence to other ocd sufferers, but most posts I see are about thoughts people had or the way they looked or feel ed. Sometimes even doing something on purpose to check if their fear indeed is true. This is not the case with me, I don't believe I had an intrusive thought or anything. I just did it without really thinking aside from that my subconscious mind might have thought about him becoming erect again. And I Still chose to clean him again. 

Altough most of the times i use more then one wipe to Clean his genitals, this time I feel like my motivation may not have been 'cleaning' with that second wipe but see if he gets erect again. 

I'm really at my lowest right now. And need some advice if I can every feel better again, and if I even deserve to feel better again. 

I want to be there for my son. He loves being around me, but I feel like such a bad father. 

Edited by Ironborn
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On 25/04/2020 at 20:23, Ironborn said:

I feel as if the only way to move on from this. Is to desensitize myself, try to not care about a thing anymore. Only if I feel nothing I can be ok with what I've done right? 

Wrong. :no:

I'm sure I've said it before on this thread, desensitization is NOT what you're aiming for. Your goal is to change the meaning you give your anxiety provoking thoughts and feelings.

15 hours ago, Ironborn said:

Everytime I try to move my thoughts away from that moment, replaying the moment inside my head, I get this thought or feeling that to move on I first need to accept I did something horribly wrong, but I just can't. Because if I accept that it means I'm that monster I've been afraid of for so long. 

Every time you replay the moment in your head you are performing a compulsion. Every time you do a compulsion you streghten the doubt and anxiety. 

You don't need to accept you did something horribly wrong. You need to accept that your motivations at the time are now unimportant. 

To accept that something you did in the past is unimportant you need to change the meaning you give to acceptance. 

Accepting that 

1) you will never be sure of your motivation at that moment

2) you might have been curious

3) you might have been sexually aroused

doesn't mean you're a monster. It means only that you've accepted living with uncertainty. 

Right now you want certainty so much that you'd prefer to think of yourself as a guaranteed monster rather than live with the possibility you might be a monster. It's all black and white thinking, totally evil or totally innocent. 

Little wonder then you're struggling to give yourself permission to simply 'not know'. But that's exactly what you need to do. Accept you don't know and accept you don't NEED to know to move past this. 

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On 26/04/2020 at 15:59, Ironborn said:

So my thoughts now are not was I doing it out of curiositybbut rather how do I accept it was out of curiosity? And can I live with myself knowing what I have done? 

Snowbear has some great advice above, I just want to add a few more thoughts.

You are engaging in a couple common OCD faulty thinking patterns (don't feel bad, I've definitely struggled with them too).

First is black and white thinking.  Either I must be completely pure OR I am a monster.
Second is catastrophic thinking.  Being curious about my sons physical reaction makes me a pedophile.

You are ignoring that its possible to be curious and not be a pedophile.  
You are ignoring that people do things all the time that don't fit neatly in a 100% saintly/100% devilsh model.

Your son's reaction was a new experience for you, maybe you were curious about it at the time, or curious about it after.  Maybe you cleaned him because he was still dirty, maybe you were curious what would happen.  Was your son harmed?  No, he was not.  Because of OCD you have turned a minor incident, relatively meaningless and probably common to new parents of boys into a referendum on whether or not you are a monster and a pedophile.

I understand completely that the anxiety and distress you feel is very real.  But that doesn't mean the REASON you are feeling it is real.  You can feel bad about something even if you don't have a reason to.  Feeling bad doesn't mean you did something wrong.

Dealing with OCD involves learning to live with "probably" and "probably not".  You WANT to feel certain, I get that, we all do.  But OCD has cause a fault to occur in your brain, a fault that causes you to be unable to feel certain sometimes, even though you normally would.

Its like the gas/petrol gauge in your car.  Maybe it only goes up to 90%, no matter how full you fill it. At first you may not realize it.  You fill up, look at the gauge, "oh, its only 90, I can keep going".  Except its already full so fuel starts coming out of the fuel hole.  Oops!  After you clean it up, you now know that when it says 90 it might mean full.  So you learn not to keep filling after 90 anymore.  You wish it would be more accurate, you wish it could go to 100%, but it doesn't.  Your brain sometimes gets stuck the same way.  Even though you have plenty of evidence and reason to feel "sure" in a normal situation, because of OCD you don't.  The situation hasn't changed, the facts haven't changed, just your reaction to them.

So instead of "certain" you have to go with "probably" or "probably not".
Are you a pedophile?  Probably not.  Are you going to go on a murderous rampage and kill your entire neighborhood?  Probably not.  Are you going to rob a bank? Probably not.  Are you going to be Prime Minister next year? Probably not.  You might feel "certain" about many of those things, but the reality is thats an illusion.  Crazy circumstances can happen, they are technically possible.  You never know 100% for sure.  I could create a scenario where you become Prime Minister for example. (Or President, not sure which the Netherlands has).  BUT its pretty reasonable to assume you won't be.  And I think its more than reasonable to assume you aren't a pedophile.  You have to take that same leap of faith, that same "probably" and go with that.  Because the reason you feel anxiety isn't because of what happened, its because of how OCD is twisting around how you interpret what happened.

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@dksea @snowbear thank you for your constructive feedback.

I know I'm seeing this as a all or nothing situation. The fact that it might have been out of curiosity is now shifting towards it might have been with a sexual motive. Although I cannot remember I got aroused by it. And have never been aroused by changing my son's diaper or occasionally him having an erection. But that does not mean that this specific moment could not have partly been with a sexual motive. 

Right now I'm going with the worst case scenario and that is: I cleaned him with a second wipe mostly for sexual gratification. 

If that is my starting point right now, how do I deal with that? 

Given I still know sure I normally do not feel attracted to my son or other children, on the contrary I enjoy adult woman alot. 

 

But it could have been that at that moment something inside of me wanted to explore if I had that same kind of interest in children? (not in a ocd checking kind of way, but truly and honest interest if I'm feeling sexual aroused by it). 

How do I accept that? 

Edited by Ironborn
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One other thing I want to add is that almost always with ocd you know deep down something was or was not your intention. But with this specific incident I don't feel that 'deep down inside feeling'. 

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6 hours ago, Ironborn said:

Right now I'm going with the worst case scenario and that is: I cleaned him with a second wipe mostly for sexual gratification. 

If that is my starting point right now, how do I deal with that? 

But why should that be your starting point? What evidence do you have that leads that THAT being the most likely conclusion?  You are applying guilty until proven innocent logic here  

Your starting point should be that you have OCD. From that you should assume that you are probably overreacting because that’s what OCD sufferers do.  Unless there is strong evidence to suggest otherwise you should assume you did nothing wrong and get on with your life. 

 

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51 minutes ago, dksea said:

But why should that be your starting point? What evidence do you have that leads that THAT being the most likely conclusion?  You are applying guilty until proven innocent logic here  

Your starting point should be that you have OCD. From that you should assume that you are probably overreacting because that’s what OCD sufferers do.  Unless there is strong evidence to suggest otherwise you should assume you did nothing wrong and get on with your life. 

 

Because it feels impossible to assume nothing has happened. I'm trying my best to take that as a starting point but everytime I do so I have this inner feeling / voice that says; you know this is not true, you are lying to yourself is you act like nothing has happened. 

 

I'm just getting so sick of it at this point. I cannot exclude it was not sexually motivated but I also cannot exclude it was nothing but just cleaning. 

What might have contributed was that after the first 'clean' when he got a erections I became quite aware of what had happened, and now it feels as if I went in for another clean without real hesitation while thinking 'he might get erect again'. I don't remember I felt disgust by that thought, but I also don't remember I felt alot of joy in that it might happen again. But maybe some interest. 

 

Eveb now while typing it might have been nothing or some small interest I get this same feeling inside that goes like; don't deny the truth, you went in for sexual gratification. 

Something else that really got stuck in my mind was the woman on Facebook that said the exact words 'its disturbing that your cleaning your son until he gets erect. 

And now I feel as if it was my goal to get him erect again, and I just don't know if that's true or not (thought pops up again now that I'm again denying the truth). 

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It feels as if by assuming nothing has happened l, I'm trying to believe my own lie. 

While if I'm trying to assume that it indeed was for sexual gratification, I don't see any place for myself anymore in this world, but I want to be here, I want to live and enjoy life with my wife and son. So this means I should (feeling wise) ly to myself and assume nothing has happened? Until I might start to believe my own lie. 

Edited by Ironborn
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3 hours ago, dksea said:

But why should that be your starting point? What evidence do you have that leads that THAT being the most likely conclusion?  You are applying guilty until proven innocent logic here 

My feeling says that thatis what happened. I cleaned him. trough the babywipe i even felt his genital becoming erect from me cleaning it. this took me a couple more seconds. Then i finished with the frst babywipe. I had a brief moment of nothing in which i decided to grab another wipe, i then had some thoughts like. hmm maybe it will become erect again? and i think while i was getting that thought i might have enjoyed that thought???

I went in for the second babywipe cleaning, and after couple of seconds i could notive his genital becoming erect again, id did not stop immediatly it kept for maybe 2 or 3 seconds. then i stopped, and then i panicked.

This is how i 'now' remeber what has happened. due to the fact that i might have enjoyed the thought him becoming erect again, i feel that is alot of evidence that its abuse...?

Altough on other occasions i cleaned his genital with 1, 2 or 3 wipes without having had those thoughts. so im aware my child has noticed nothing from it, but that is not the problem here right? the problem is wat was my biggest motivation going for another clean?

Altough usually i also have a bit ocd about him being really clean, i tend to make sure not a bit of feces ar still between his butcheeks, and that i feel like his genital area is 'fresh'. I think that this time i was not so keen on the cleaning bit??

I guess its because after the first wipe when he got erect alot of my intention went to that, but i had no ocd thoughts about it in a sense that it might be bad an gross pocd like of me to touch again. it almost seems as if the 'real' me was ok with it. which must mean i myself must have wanted to touch it again and him getting erect again?

On the contrary, ive never had such ideas before, ive never been curious or sexually aroused by the idea it might happen before. in all these 18months he is with us, and ive been changing his diaper, not once did something like that occur to me. that is why i dont understand why it could have happened now. ive tried thinking about if i feel attracted to kids. but i just dont. the moment i think of my wife naked i immediatly react to it and do feel aroused.

Is it possible that a non pedo could still be curious, and onc ein his or her lifetime 'try' something?

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