This time it feels so bad

[PolarBear]

Your ruminating is showing. 

You've explained here multiple times what happened. We don't benefit from it. We aren't going to change our minds,  no matter how many times you explain it or how much analysis you give us.

Your last several posts are the result of rumination. You've sat there going over this one, insignificant event in your head repeatedly, looking at it from every angle. 

Where has that got you? Nowhere. Repeating your ruminations here will likewise get you nowhere.

Let it go. 

[dksea]

10 hours ago, Ironborn said:

Because it feels impossible to assume nothing has happened. I'm trying my best to take that as a starting point but everytime I do so I have this inner feeling / voice that says; you know this is not true, you are lying to yourself is you act like nothing has happened. 

Its not impossible to assume nothing has happened.  Its impossible to completely prove nothing has happened.  Its important to realize the difference.
You can assume anything.  You might be wrong, but you can assume it.  You do it all the time.  You assume that you will wake up when you close your eyes and go to sleep.  You assume that if you eat food you will feel full and satisfied.  You assume that if you hear a knock at your door and open it its not aliens coming to kidnap you.  You constantly assume lots of things based on probably/probably not.

Meanwhile, that "inner voice" you hear is doubt, OCD driven doubt.  And it sucks.  its the worst.  I hate it.   You hate it.  We ALL hate it.
Overcoming OCD involves making the choice NOT to listen to that voice, even though it makes you feel bad, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable.
You might say "but what if it's TRUE! I can't possibly ignore the possibility I am a monster!"
To which I say, of course you can (and should).
There has always been, and always will be a possibility you, or literally any other living person in the universe could eventually do something bad.  Up until this point you have been sure (or sure enough) that you are not a monster, otherwise this wouldn't be a new problem for you.  But there has always been a possibility, probably a tiny one, but still there, that you could someday do something evil.  After all, no evil person was born doing evil things.  No person who ultimately did some awful thing knew from the second of their birth that thats what they would do.  Even the worst criminals the world has ever known started as innocent babies. There are an endless number of "what ifs" that could lead a person, ANY person to doing something awful.  However that doesn't mean those what ifs are likely or worth paying attention to.  Again, you can ALWAYS come up with "what ifs" for any possible outcome.  Thats why its impossible to ever be 100% certain about anything.

So you must choose to accept a few things and change how you behave because of that.
You have to accept that sometimes, because of OCD, you won't be able to feel 100% certain.
You have to accept that not feeling 100% certain DOES NOT MEAN your fear is true or likely to be true or worth considering.
You have to accept that you will feel doubt, but that DOES NOT MEAN you have to listen to the doubt.

You CAN choose to assume you are not a monster, EVEN THOUGH you feel the doubt.
You CAN choose to treat these intrusive thoughts as garbage, though it will be hard at first.

It feels crappy.  And that sucks.  But you can beat this.  It does not take special talents or luck, just patience and stubbornness.  It can help to get help, I definitely recommend working with a qualified mental health professional if at all possible.  Medication might also help, many of us use it, but not everyone does, thats up to you and your doctor.

You won't (sadly) beat this overnight, or in a week.  Its not a quick fix kind of problem. But it can be done, and its worth it.
 

[Ironborn]

6 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Your ruminating is showing. 

You've explained here multiple times what happened. We don't benefit from it. We aren't going to change our minds,  no matter how many times you explain it or how much analysis you give us.

Your last several posts are the result of rumination. You've sat there going over this one, insignificant event in your head repeatedly, looking at it from every angle. 

Where has that got you? Nowhere. Repeating your ruminations here will likewise get you nowhere.

Let it go. 

@PolarBear You say its insignificant, but how is it insignificant? What if there may have been some sexual attraction/motivation for cleaning him again 'until' he got erect once more?

Every time I see my son, I see this broken molested kid. It hurts so bad. Although he shows no signs of being traumatized or anything, its the image I get when I see him. Because of this, I avoid him a lot, because it gives me so much grieve and pain, all I can see is an innocent child possibly molested by his father.

And what hurts even more, is that I know I'm not attracted to children, If I was I at least could maybe accept this situation.

5 hours ago, dksea said:

Its not impossible to assume nothing has happened.  Its impossible to completely prove nothing has happened.  Its important to realize the difference.
You can assume anything.  You might be wrong, but you can assume it.  You do it all the time.  You assume that you will wake up when you close your eyes and go to sleep.  You assume that if you eat food you will feel full and satisfied.  You assume that if you hear a knock at your door and open it its not aliens coming to kidnap you.  You constantly assume lots of things based on probably/probably not.

Meanwhile, that "inner voice" you hear is doubt, OCD driven doubt.  And it sucks.  its the worst.  I hate it.   You hate it.  We ALL hate it.
Overcoming OCD involves making the choice NOT to listen to that voice, even though it makes you feel bad, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable.
You might say "but what if it's TRUE! I can't possibly ignore the possibility I am a monster!"
To which I say, of course you can (and should).
There has always been, and always will be a possibility you, or literally any other living person in the universe could eventually do something bad.  Up until this point you have been sure (or sure enough) that you are not a monster, otherwise this wouldn't be a new problem for you.  But there has always been a possibility, probably a tiny one, but still there, that you could someday do something evil.  After all, no evil person was born doing evil things.  No person who ultimately did some awful thing knew from the second of their birth that thats what they would do.  Even the worst criminals the world has ever known started as innocent babies. There are an endless number of "what ifs" that could lead a person, ANY person to doing something awful.  However that doesn't mean those what ifs are likely or worth paying attention to.  Again, you can ALWAYS come up with "what ifs" for any possible outcome.  Thats why its impossible to ever be 100% certain about anything.

So you must choose to accept a few things and change how you behave because of that.
You have to accept that sometimes, because of OCD, you won't be able to feel 100% certain.
You have to accept that not feeling 100% certain DOES NOT MEAN your fear is true or likely to be true or worth considering.
You have to accept that you will feel doubt, but that DOES NOT MEAN you have to listen to the doubt.

You CAN choose to assume you are not a monster, EVEN THOUGH you feel the doubt.
You CAN choose to treat these intrusive thoughts as garbage, though it will be hard at first.

It feels crappy.  And that sucks.  But you can beat this.  It does not take special talents or luck, just patience and stubbornness.  It can help to get help, I definitely recommend working with a qualified mental health professional if at all possible.  Medication might also help, many of us use it, but not everyone does, thats up to you and your doctor.

You won't (sadly) beat this overnight, or in a week.  Its not a quick fix kind of problem. But it can be done, and its worth it.
 

@dksea But what you've written here is that not only applicable to people who know deep down something is true or false> For me, I don't know if it is true, on the contrary, I believe I'm more leaning towards that it is true that I molested.




@dksea @PolarBear 

In the past with a lot of my obsessions deep down I knew the real truth, and that OCD just tried to distort that. But right now I don't know my 'real' intention from that brief moment in between the 2 wipes. like I stated above my mind is heavily leaning towards that is must have been sexually motivated it feels like a 99 to 1 ratio as to the 99 means it was sexual and the 1 means it was non-sexual.

And even typing out the 99 vs 1 ratio makes me feel like I'm still lying because deep down I know it must be 100 vs 0.

Edited April 28, 2020 by Ironborn

[Ironborn]

I talked with my psych today.

she told me that even if it were the 'worst-case' scenario and I had sexual intentions then 

1.  my son will not have picked up anything from it since there were no weird (interactions).
2. A lot of parents at some point in their life probably are maybe interested in a normal/sexual way how their child reacts to stuff and might sometimes provoke things?

I am Not sure what to think about all this. She told me that life just hit me in general and if she thought I would be a danger to the people around me she definitely would 'know'.

So what does all of this even mean?

For me not to worry? or that I indeed did something 'weird'. (if I did it at all).

Edited April 28, 2020 by Ironborn

[dksea]

On 28/04/2020 at 16:49, Ironborn said:

But what you've written here is that not only applicable to people who know deep down something is true or false> For me, I don't know if it is true, on the contrary, I believe I'm more leaning towards that it is true that I molested.

Nope, it’s true for everyone, all the time. 
The problem with OCD has nothing to do with whether or not you know something “deep down”. You can’t solve OCD by digging down to find the “truth”, because the problem isn’t that you are hiding from the truth or something like that. 
The problem with OCD is a lack of an “all clear” signal about a particular thought.  What that though is isn’t actually important because the problem isn’t with the thought.  In your case it happens to be about the situation with your son, but it could have been about anything. 
You don’t move on from OCD by finding “The Truth”, you move on by recognizing you don’t HAVE to find “The Truth”, that it’s an impossible goal to try and do that anyway. 

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, dksea said:

You don’t move on from OCD by finding “The Truth”, you move on by recognizing you don’t HAVE to find “The Truth”, that it’s an impossible goal to try and do that anyway. 

Saw this and it's so profound and accurate I thought it worth quoting. Well put dksea.  

[PolarBear]

Ironborn, I'm not hoing to argue with you about whether whst happened was insignificant or not. No one here really cares about the event. We care about how your mind has latched onto something and we care that you progress past this.