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Don't know how much more I can take


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Hey everyone, 

I made a post not terribly long ago about I would say I guess harm ocd, and I'm still struggling big time. But I don't know if this is actually real event ocd and I'm just feeling guilty or what, but let's see what you think:

Last night, after finally getting over more ocd thoughts surrounding my current relationship, had a few good hours but at the same time, not having any ocd thoughts can make me extremely uncomfortable and anxious... Like I'm waiting for the next one to arrive. Or maybe I don't know how to be happy. I'm not sure.

Anyway my boyfriend and I were in bed last night and he was sleeping, at the moment I have my lady blessing/curse of the month and have been known to get a little extra angry while I have it. Anyway he was snoring, and I think I was maybe just tired and uncomfortable, wide awake, it's been days and weeks of pretty much constant ocd thoughts. He was snoring loudly and I kind up just all of a sudden spazzed, he was laying facing me on his side and I was squished up against the wall on my stomach with my arms under the pillow, and I kind of jerked up really fast using my right elbow which was near to under his head. I'm trying to think back like did I try to hit him?? I know I was frustrated and I know I wanted him to stop snoring. I didn't even up even touching him I don't think, or barely if at all, but ahhhhh I feel SO guilty like why in the hell would I do that especially after weeks of having continuous ocd about being afraid I've hurt him, and not ever wanting to do that, like whhhyyyyy why would I do that. Like seriously I feel like I am just a bad person with no control. I feel like i must have tried to hurt him to wake him up because why would I have made such an aggressive jerking motion and with my elbow that was aimed at his face despite not hitting him. I feel so awful, I don't know what to do. I just wish I knew for sure, it just happened quickly but like I said, I KNOW I was frustrated and I KNOW that a big part was just feeling trapped in there and him snoring so it makes sense to have my anger directed at him, though it is a horrible horrible thing. I just don't know, I feel really really horrible and I'm just so exhausted. I'm really starting to feel like giving up. :(

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I used to have a little coaster that you put a cup on next to my bed that I made saying 'no one got hurt'  so when this happened to me I would look at it . I wish I could give it to you now. He didn't get hurt. The fact you are worrying shows you are a kind person who would not hurt someone. OCD is taking your worst fear and using it against you, it's just a thought.

Think of something to do either a hobby or a chore but just get busy physically and mentally and it will lessen enough for you to think rationally.

I hope this helps it's what I do.

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On 05/05/2020 at 01:00, ecomum said:

I used to have a little coaster that you put a cup on next to my bed that I made saying 'no one got hurt'  so when this happened to me I would look at it . I wish I could give it to you now. He didn't get hurt. The fact you are worrying shows you are a kind person who would not hurt someone. OCD is taking your worst fear and using it against you, it's just a thought.

Think of something to do either a hobby or a chore but just get busy physically and mentally and it will lessen enough for you to think rationally.

I hope this helps it's what I do.

 

On 06/05/2020 at 04:23, Runningaway said:

Stay strong, don't let it win. I am also exhausted by my inability to switch my brain off, it is exhausting, but you will get there.

Thank you both for your responses, I really appreciate it and hope things are well on your end xoxo

I've been doing better the last few days, it's hard but trying to just let myself treat it as ocd and not go into ruminating

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On 05/05/2020 at 02:40, hazydaze said:

Last night, after finally getting over more ocd thoughts surrounding my current relationship, had a few good hours but at the same time, not having any ocd thoughts can make me extremely uncomfortable and anxious... Like I'm waiting for the next one to arrive. Or maybe I don't know how to be happy. I'm not sure.

I've been having this exact same problem! I had this last Friday and got anxious; then again yesterday. I think it's because we know we don't have  a lot to do in the current lockdown, so our brains are making something for us to worry on. I understand and I hear you. That will get better with time. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 14/05/2020 at 16:17, Cub said:

I've been having this exact same problem! I had this last Friday and got anxious; then again yesterday. I think it's because we know we don't have  a lot to do in the current lockdown, so our brains are making something for us to worry on. I understand and I hear you. That will get better with time. 

Thank you so much for responding! 

Definitely nice to hear I'm not alone, but I'm sorry that you're dealing with it too! 

Yes the pandemic can definitely put us in a situation where we are more susceptible to these types of thoughts. I find that for me, when something is going really well but especially a relationship, my brain finds some way for me to feel like I don't deserve it 

It's been better for the last while, the thoughts are wanting to bug me again though regarding the situation I posted about. I agree that it will get better with time, thank you again

Edited by hazydaze
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