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Okay so 8 month ago I was out and I seen this girl from behind. I checked her out sort of speak. Im sorry if that comes across wrong but if any man tells you they have never done that they are lying. So after checking this girl out from behind I then seen her from the front, then it all started. I could clearly see she was under the age of consent. I could be wrong but I just knew she was. The thoughts that went through my head at that point was “you’re a monster, your awefull, you’re a p******”. I don’t want to mention that word throughout this as its scare the hell out of me. So at this point I was questioning myself in my head. I felt horrible.  A few minutes later for the life of me that I do not know is that I googled the legal status of  a well known porn website. I feel really embarrassed talking about this but I don’t want to leave out any important details. BTW I have stopped watching any porn. Okay so at this point in my life I would usually go to only this porn site, im not addicted in anyway but id go there quiet often. So anyway after seeing this girl I typed this into google and I clicked on a Wikipedia page. This is where it turned out of control the Wikipedia page had information about the porn website and there was a reference page that said Child pornography. My heart stopped, the thought of seeing that word made my current negative feelings hit a higher level. Seeing that word made me feel sick and at that point I deleted my search history as I didn’t want that word anywhere around me. I know it was only a Wikipedia page but seeing that word at that time scared the living hell out of me. So in th space of half hour to an hour from seeing that girl and having thoughts horrible thoughts about that to seeing that word on Wikipedia my life started to change. As soon as I got back to my hotel I phoned my partner to tell her how I was feeling. I didn’t mention about the girl at this point but I remember telling her I feel like the worst of the worst and my exact worlds were “ I felt like ive done/seen something bad online”, that’s how I described how I was feeling.  I was crying at this point and she told me not to be silly. I kind of got myself together and felt a little better. That night I went to bed and got up for the loo in the early hours when I came back to my bed I thought about the girl I saw that previous day and all of a sudden this rush of fear, anxiety, panic, heartbeat racing and heavy breathing came over me. I never felt like this before and the thought come to mind to go outside and end this by jumping off the cliff nearby. It was horrendous! I called my partner and she helped me through this by staying on the phone with me. (By the way I forgot to mention I was away with my dad for a weekend break). I was going home that morning and kept myself together, I went to the doctor next day as I was upset and feeling really anxious. I told people close to me of what happened including my employer as I get upset in work a lot. I told my partner about the girl too when I got home. It was embarrassing but I felt I needed to give every single detail. It was hard but I didn’t want to miss anything out. Ever since that night I have been living with constant anxiety and fear. 8 months on no change if not worse. The constant thought that ive done/seen something wrong on the internet relating back to that day plays on my mind. I cannot tell you what it is as I don’t know myself. There is nothing in my head to say what ive seen/done its just the thought that I have. Because I deleted my search history at the time there is no way I can check for certain. It was the worst thing I did. I've been to phone shops asking if it can be recover but it can not. Is it the word and that girI I saw and my mind has taken it out of control? For one id never look at anything like that but I keep telling myself if I had seen something in relation to that then I would have some sort of memory of it surely! I have absolutely nothing in my head (image/video) only the thought that I have seen something! It’s so frustrating because there is no evidence of anything like that but I cant shake this feeling off. My phone has a child lock on it so I cannot access stuff over 18 years of age whilst using the phones data but can over WiFi. When this happen I was outside using data, but that only gave me a slight relief which didn't last long. 

It repeats and repeats and im always trying to find the solution but nothing helps. Ive reasearched so much about ocd and most of it I can relate to. It’s a slight relief but then it comes back. People tell me id never do that but then im like “what if”. I think about it every hour of the day and whenever something happy happens to me it’s like that big black cloud comes over me and tells me not to be happy and to make the most of it before you go to jail. My thoughts have spiralled out of control now and my mind is now telling me im going to jail and I don’t even now what for. It has told me what's going to happen to my family and that im never going to see the people I love again as everyone will hate me. So to sum it up I constantly have this though that ive done something wrong online but have no idea what it is. Possible it was the girl and the word I saw. I would never do anything like that and it upsets me that my mind is telling me different. Im currently attending mindfulness courses but don’t find its helping. I’m living in constant fear and the scenarios of the future are terrifying. Thoughts of losing everyone and everything. It’s terrifying me. Does ocd catastrophize? Can anybody help or share some advice? I will say at the point this happened at the point my girlfriend was expecting our first child. When this happened I was away from her and was staying in the dirtiest of hotels. I had to put towels on the floors to walk on and a clean duvet from another bed to sleep on as the hotel was very dirty. I’m not sure if this was OCD but thought id mention it, ive always known I suffered with ocd, as when I was younger it would take me a good half hour to get into bed and sleep and I had to do these exhausting rituals. That’s has now gotten better since leaving my parent home and having my own. If I didn’t do these rituals then my parent or me were going to die. Ive never had it professionally diagnosed. So that’s about it. Sorry for the long post. Thanks

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Hey there,

Sounds like you're going through a really tough time! Truth be told I was only looking at the forums initially to help me calm down about coping with my husband who has bad OCD (every type of OCD you can have he seems to have it except religious stuff as we're both atheist). I find that mindfulness is more appropriate for minor anxiety or depression, my opinion is that CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and a diagnosis from a proper mental health specialist and possibly meds temp or long term (although I'll leave that for the specialists to determine as I'm not a qualified person!) for what you're experiencing as it seems quite severe in that it's affecting you all the time. One issue is that reassurance from loved ones becomes meaningless after a while, so your gf and family can say over and over that it's fine but OCD will still make you feel like it's not good enough! 

If it helps, my husband has similar obsessive thoughts about illegal porn, being a bad person, getting arrested etc. It's one of those things that comes up time to time and he will talk to me about it and we try to work through it together, sometimes I get annoyed with him as we have the conversation so many times but then I know it's worse for him as the OCD is bothering him about it so much and he can't help it! 

One thing I can say is that he always seems better after a bout of CBT, but as we're stuck in the same living at home with my parents situation it always seems to go right back to square one! So my suggestion is to ask for CBT instead if mindfulness is not helping, and ask for a qualified person to help you (I find IAPT and those sort of services tend to lump you with newbies so ask for someone who is not a trainee or whatever) and once you've finished the treatment try to keep it up afterwards!

It will definitely be hard at first, especially when you have to wait for services like mental health that are in high demand, but it will be worth it in the end to help you overcome your OCD plague! :) Good luck with the future anyways!

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Thank you for your reply. I know we shouldn't seek reassurance, but I feel I need a little right now. 

It's just I can't get this out of my head, it destroys every hapoy/exciting thought I have. I'm due to have a telephone conversation with the psychiatrist soon so will hopefully ask about CBT. 

I just need to keep telling myself this is ocd but it's so convincing to the point whereby I believe I have done something wrong. It's horrible. 

Thanks again

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Back here again. I feel as if OCD has won. When people say don't let control you and lable it as OCD doesn't work for me.it's too far gone. I keep telling myself this is OCD tricking me, convincing me that I have done something awful but the feeling that I have is over powering. 

Now as much as I find this forum my bible, should I be pulling the plug on it and not coming here? I'm coning to this forum around 20 times a day, looking for a story similar to mine and hoping for replies on my thread. I understand this is reassurance so should I nip this in the bud and resits it?  Is this site and others a compulsion? I'm constantly thinking about the time this all happened 8 months ago, trying to find every bit of detail but it's so hard and I'm afraid my mind will make up stuff. 

Can somebody Pleaese tell if OCD can convince you that you have done something against your nature and make you believe this. I'm past the point of "no I haven't done anything wrong" to the point of accepting I have, even though I don't know exactly what it is. Just a thought and feeling that I have done something wrong. 

My mind is constantly playing out what's to come for me, loosing job, kids, family house etc. It's so frightening and I get in a state of panic. Is this part of OCD making future disasterous senarios? Whenever I look a my 7 month old daughter I sometimes get upset as I feel this is all going to be taken away from me. I'm constantly on edge waiting for the police to turn up and take me away for something that I have no memory of. My mind is on a loop and I need to sort this out before I go crazy. I have just started ssri and awaiting cbt once this covid is all over. I really hope it helps. 

Anyone please

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13 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

I'm coning to this forum around 20 times a day, looking for a story similar to mine and hoping for replies on my thread. I understand this is reassurance so should I nip this in the bud and resits it?

Hi Chris, 

Doing anything 20 times a day is just a little bit obsessive, don't you think? :) It does sound as though you're using the forum to seek reassurance at present. However, that doesn't mean you should pull the plug on coming here. Imstead it means you need to start using the forum as it's intended to be used.

Rather than looking for a story similar to yours (reassurance seeking) you would be better to learn from the forum how the detail of the story (what you're worrying about specifically) doesn't matter. It's the way you interpret your thoughts which creates the problem (and the anxiety.)

13 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

I'm constantly thinking about the time this all happened 8 months ago, trying to find every bit of detail

These are compulsions. Ruminating (going over and over thoughts) will never give you the answers you seek. It's not the details you need, but an understanding of how your behaviour (doing compulsions) is keeping the anxiety going. 

13 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

Can somebody Pleaese tell if OCD can convince you that you have done something against your nature and make you believe this.

Bit of confusion here too...  having OCD doesn't convince you of anything. :no:

If you have a thought that you might have done something against your nature and repeatedly do compulsions to convince yourself that you haven't then it creates doubt. The doubt in turn makes you believe the thing you fear must be true. 

OCD is thinking you need answers and doing compulsions. The concincing and believing is the result of doing compulsions.

13 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

My mind is constantly playing out what's to come for me, loosing job, kids, family house etc.

This is ruminating, a compulsion which keeps the anxiety active in your mind. 

13 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

I feel this is all going to be taken away from me.

This is the reason you've attached so much importance to a random (unimportant) thought. Naturally if you feel you could lose everything you value you will be very anxious. Try to accept this is a fear of losing things you value (just a feeling) and not a prediction that you will lose everything unless you remember some forgotten detail. (Your obsession.) 

Try reading a few posts which are about a topic different from yours and look for the recurring advice across all threads whatever the topic. That's how you can use the forum in a positive way - learn about interpreting your thoughts more realistically and how to change your behavioural response so you lessen instead of increase your anxiety. 

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Hello Snowbear, 

Thank you for your swift reply. 

Deep down I know I havent done anything wrong, there is no evidence to say I have and surely if I did I would know exactly what it was as something so taboo you wouldn't forget. Right? 

The issue is the feelings of guilt, fear and worthlessness all because of a thought. The who processes has made me believe in this thought. 

20 times is too much, my partner is getting agitated with me as she says I'm getting worse. I am going to focus my attention on ways to help me and not to look for a scenario like mine. 

It's just this all came out of the blue, never I had a thought like this before and how I've been controlled by it. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is OCD, then the doubt comes with that. 

Again thanks so much for your advise. 

Chris

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23 minutes ago, Chris2020 said:

The issue is the feelings of guilt, fear and worthlessness all because of a thought.

Again, a slightly inaccurate twist. 

The issue is the interpretation you put a thought.  (If I did something wrong then I'd lose everything dear to me.) 

This interpretation leads to guilt (in case you actually did do something wrong), fear (that you'll lose everything) and worthlessness (passing judgement on yourself). 

Your feelings are a result of the meaning you gave to your thoughts. 

If I could emblazon this in gold and stamp it on the forehead of everybody here I would!  :)  Read it again.

Feelings are the result of the meaning you give to thoughts. 

30 minutes ago, Chris2020 said:

Deep down I know I havent done anything wrong, there is no evidence to say I have and surely if I did I would know exactly what it was as something so taboo you wouldn't forget. Right? 

It's unimportant whether you did anything wrong or not. It's matters not a jot what you know deep down. It's irrelevant if you did something taboo and forgot you'd done it. 

What keeps this torturing you is you are telling yourself these things matter. 

When you obsess about how they matter and do compulsions to control the outcome of them mattering in the way you think - that's having OCD. 

When you accept your interpretation is only one of a billion possible interpretations and the only reason you chose the one you did is because the meaning scared you, that's when you can start to let go of the OCD. Chose a different interpretation which has a less scary meaning for you. All interpretations are equally valid - it's your choice which way you interpret things. 

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You're asking me for reassurance. If I say 'No, it's not OCD' you'd interpret that as the guilt etc is justified. 

If I say 'Yes it is OCD' you are likely to interpret that as... thank goodness, that means it isn't 'me'. Which misses the point I've been making. 

The point I'm trying to make is your interpretation is the problem, not the behaviour and anxiety that follows.

You're treating an obsessive thought as if it had significance. You're doing compulsions (including seeking reassurance than your behaviour is OCD related) 

You tell me, does that sounds like OCD? 

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Hello 

 

Me again. 

Do you have any advice on how to stop ruminating? I feel this is the root of my problem and once I get this under control then maybe I can get somewhere. Basically when people say try to stop ruminating it's the same as saying to someone "don't think about a pink elephant" I just can't stop thinking over and over all the time, trying to remember what happened 8 months ago. 

 

Thanks 

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