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I've struggled with various forms of OCD since the age of 11. I am now in my 30's. The whole covid19 situation means I cant see my therapist and she is new to me.

At the moment I am finding the reading I am doing triggering as it says you must be disgusted by the thought for it to be OCD.

Now this goes back to an old relationship when I had a very taboo sex life. Only between 2 consenting adults though. I just thought at the time 'this is a bit taboo' but essentially I enjoyed it. Now I am worried about what my thoughts and fantasies make me.

I have to say to myself thoughts and fantasies are not illegal, which I believe they are not. Mostly it's me involved in the fantasy. Obviously I dont participate anymore as we split up.

I don't want to hurt anyone ever but the intrusive thoughts wont stop. I can't turn to my new therapist as I dont trust her yet, but the old one told me its perfectly normal with someone of my background to have these fantasies.

Now the OCD is trying all sorts with me such as it wasnt me in the fantasy, I'm a bad person, going over and over in my head about past experiences.

I have 2 kids to homeschool and I'm working from home.

Can anyone recommend any reading to help? I'm currently reading a book on sexual fantasy and some peoples are alot worse than mine (not sure if that's helpful as it's basically reassurance)

Even if I did have 'bad' fantasies about others I could change anyway.

Just at the end of my tether and the more I ruminate the worse it gets then jumps to another scenario.

I have no friends or family, I'm only alive because of my children.

Thanks for any responses, they would be appreciated

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I'm sorry you're struggling; if it's any consolation, I know how it feels. I've become obsessed of late with issues of sexuality where there were no problems before, and it's left me obsessive and depressed and now I'm struggling to read my favourite stories, in case I'm committing a sin. In a way, that extends to fantasies because I'm now strictly monitoring myself, you know? So I hear you. This COVID-19 has caused a lot of stress and if you're working and homeschooling your children, that must be extra stressful!

I'm sure you must have friends; it probably just feels strange at the moment because we can't see anyone. We're all your friends here. :hug: 

C x

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Hi Runningaway,

7 hours ago, Runningaway said:

Now I am worried about what my thoughts and fantasies make me.

Key to this is realising your thoughts and fantasies don't make you anything. They have no meaning in themselves - you decide what they mean and you can change that meaning any time you want.

The meaning you give to experiences and thoughts has imagined consequences, such as it says something bad about you as a person, and this is what makes you feel anxious. In essence, change the meaning you give it and the anxiety stops.

7 hours ago, Runningaway said:

Can anyone recommend any reading to help? I'm currently reading a book on sexual fantasy and some peoples are alot worse than mine (not sure if that's helpful as it's basically reassurance)

You're right, this is reassurance. Checking 'there are worse people out there than me.'  However that is using the same judgemental thinking that is fueling your anxiety, simply judging others instead of judging yourself. You are aiming to change your thinking approach, not to excuse something you've judged as bad or ease your anxiety by lessening the degree of badness you judge it to be.

The topic (sex/religion/dirt and germs) is irrelevant. So I recommend reading a self help book which shows you how the type of thinking you apply influences the outcome.

Judgemental thinking >> fear of being found wanting/bad >> anxiety.

Non-judgemental thinking >> acceptance of yourself and others >> no anxiety. 

I think 'Beak Free from OCD' explains it quite well, but there are others, any of which would be a better use of your reading time. 

You can't change the past, but you can change the meaning you give it. The point is to realise there are multiple ways of interpreting it, not just the one you're currently using.

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12 hours ago, Cub said:

I'm sorry you're struggling; if it's any consolation, I know how it feels. I've become obsessed of late with issues of sexuality where there were no problems before, and it's left me obsessive and depressed and now I'm struggling to read my favourite stories, in case I'm committing a sin. In a way, that extends to fantasies because I'm now strictly monitoring myself, you know? So I hear you. This COVID-19 has caused a lot of stress and if you're working and homeschooling your children, that must be extra stressful!

I'm sure you must have friends; it probably just feels strange at the moment because we can't see anyone. We're all your friends here. :hug: 

C x

Thank you so much. I really don't have any friends, more acquaintances' and  certainly no one who knows about this side of me. I have been weak and allowed it to isolate me. I spend most of my time working and keep the children busy with things. I just can't have and hold relationships in the real world :(

Thank you so much for your response and I am hopeful you will feel much better soon. 

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12 hours ago, snowbear said:

Key to this is realising your thoughts and fantasies don't make you anything. They have no meaning in themselves - you decide what they mean and you can change that meaning any time you want.

The meaning you give to experiences and thoughts has imagined consequences, such as it says something bad about you as a person, and this is what makes you feel anxious. In essence, change the meaning you give it and the anxiety stops.

The really stupid thing is I sort of know this. But because some of these things would be illegal in the real world and I found them arousing I'm struggling more than usual as I can't be open about it, although like I say mostly these fantasies involved me. These are fanatsies I would never want to recreate or happen to anyone. Now it is taking me into unsure territory where I don't know if some of the memories are true, false memory OCD I have been reading about seems to make it worse for me, as I get so confused. I don't know what to do when the thought comes in. Some days I am strong enough to say 'you're a bully go away'. Other days it is so strong I cant repeat that over and over and it does not make the urge to ruminate leave. I spent last night crying and watching videos on OCD and how to deal with it. :( 

Thank you for your response.

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1 hour ago, Runningaway said:

These are fanatsies I would never want to recreate or happen to anyone.

Fantasies are 100% harmless and of no importance whatsoever.

2 hours ago, Runningaway said:

Now it is taking me into unsure territory where I don't know if some of the memories are true, false memory OCD I have been reading about seems to make it worse for me, as I get so confused.

All the result of ruminating, checking and reading up on things - all the result of compulsions, not the content of the fantasy or your past, or your arousal.

2 hours ago, Runningaway said:

But because some of these things would be illegal in the real world and I found them arousing I'm struggling more than usual as I can't be open about it

If I had a pound for every time I've fantasised about killing someone I'd be a millionaire. Fantasizing is not illegal. Being aroused by a fantasy is not illegal. 

Ok, so you may choose not to be enitely open about your fantasies (or choose carefully who you share them with) but that's normal. Nobody tells other people ALL their fantasies and thoughts, and why would we? They're personal and private and only for sharing with the right person at the right time - or never, depending whether you ever meet someone you want to share them with or not.

Why you're struggling is you're thinking illegal content in fantasies has the same meaning as performing illegal acts. It doesn't.

2 hours ago, Runningaway said:

Some days I am strong enough to say 'you're a bully go away'. Other days it is so strong I cant repeat that over and over and it does not make the urge to ruminate leave.

Telling the thought it's a bully is a compulsion. Repeating it over and over is a compulsion - an attempt to comfort yourself and feel safe.

What you need to do is shrug it off, let it be there and not react. That requires a change in thinking to accept it's ok to have fantasies whatever they're about and it's not the same as doing something illegal in the real world.  

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22 hours ago, snowbear said:

Fantasies are 100% harmless and of no importance whatsoever.

All the result of ruminating, checking and reading up on things - all the result of compulsions, not the content of the fantasy or your past, or your arousal.

If I had a pound for every time I've fantasised about killing someone I'd be a millionaire. Fantasizing is not illegal. Being aroused by a fantasy is not illegal. 

Ok, so you may choose not to be enitely open about your fantasies (or choose carefully who you share them with) but that's normal. Nobody tells other people ALL their fantasies and thoughts, and why would we? They're personal and private and only for sharing with the right person at the right time - or never, depending whether you ever meet someone you want to share them with or not.

Why you're struggling is you're thinking illegal content in fantasies has the same meaning as performing illegal acts. It doesn't.

Telling the thought it's a bully is a compulsion. Repeating it over and over is a compulsion - an attempt to comfort yourself and feel safe.

What you need to do is shrug it off, let it be there and not react. That requires a change in thinking to accept it's ok to have fantasies whatever they're about and it's not the same as doing something illegal in the real world.  

Thank you so much you have been really helpful, I guess I have been told so many different ways to deal with it I get so confused. Some practitioners advised me distraction, calling it a bully, writing it down etc etc. I do really struggle with how a thought can just be there without me taking it on. Does it just go over and over while you ignore it? Sorry to sound thick but it has been suggested to me before and I seriously don't know how to sit with it.

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11 hours ago, Runningaway said:

Some practitioners advised me distraction, calling it a bully, writing it down etc etc.

I would describe these as short term coping mechanisms at best.

11 hours ago, Runningaway said:

I do really struggle with how a thought can just be there without me taking it on. Does it just go over and over while you ignore it?

Yes and no. :)

If you try to actively ignore it (push it way/ tell it to leave you alone etc) then you're still interacting with it. This tells your brain the thought is important so it sticks around.

Letting it be there without reacting is more like shrugging your shoulders with indifference and turning your back on it.

Imagine a snarky aunt has come to visit. If you engage with her she'll continue to make snide comments that make you feel bad. If you just leave her sitting on the sofa and get on with your life as if she was invisible then she'll sit around and sulk in silence for a bit (which might be uncomfortable but doesn't stop you getting on and doing your own thing.) Eventually she'll get the message her snarky opinions aren't important to you and she'll leave. 

Where it can be a struggle is in practising indifference. Sticking with the snarky aunt analogy, if you keep turning round to check she's still sitting there sulking, or keep thinking about the last thing she said, then you're engaging with her and she'll stick around just to spite you.

When the thought's come into your head you have to stop putting a value on the thought being true/untrue. That's the key to developing indifference.  'Yes, I might be a bad person for thinking that, so what? It's ok if I am a bad person. But equally, thinking that doesn't make me a bad person. Fantasies  are just harmless thoughts that mean nothing. I'm allowed to fantasize about whatever I want.'

There's no value/ benefit in the thought being untrue and equally there's no value/detriment to it being true. Total indifference, so you can turn your back on it and get on with other things (distractions/chores/life.)

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On 08/05/2020 at 00:11, snowbear said:

I would describe these as short term coping mechanisms at best.

Yes and no. :)

If you try to actively ignore it (push it way/ tell it to leave you alone etc) then you're still interacting with it. This tells your brain the thought is important so it sticks around.

Letting it be there without reacting is more like shrugging your shoulders with indifference and turning your back on it.

Imagine a snarky aunt has come to visit. If you engage with her she'll continue to make snide comments that make you feel bad. If you just leave her sitting on the sofa and get on with your life as if she was invisible then she'll sit around and sulk in silence for a bit (which might be uncomfortable but doesn't stop you getting on and doing your own thing.) Eventually she'll get the message her snarky opinions aren't important to you and she'll leave. 

Where it can be a struggle is in practising indifference. Sticking with the snarky aunt analogy, if you keep turning round to check she's still sitting there sulking, or keep thinking about the last thing she said, then you're engaging with her and she'll stick around just to spite you.

When the thought's come into your head you have to stop putting a value on the thought being true/untrue. That's the key to developing indifference.  'Yes, I might be a bad person for thinking that, so what? It's ok if I am a bad person. But equally, thinking that doesn't make me a bad person. Fantasies  are just harmless thoughts that mean nothing. I'm allowed to fantasize about whatever I want.'

There's no value/ benefit in the thought being untrue and equally there's no value/detriment to it being true. Total indifference, so you can turn your back on it and get on with other things (distractions/chores/life.)

Thank you I will try this. It is even more difficult as it has given me pleasure in a sexual way which of course wasn't an issue at the time, but I guess that shouldn't matter either as the OCD is great at finding loop holes. MY big fear is being a bad person and it (OCD) knows that I guess. Such a hard cycle to break and I haven't managed it in over 20 years. It is like I get to a point then I am weak and let it allow me to analyse and ruminate. If I could have one birthday present ever it would be for this to have never become a part of me. I feel like 2 people, the strong one who knows my mind and that I am not capable and wouldn't  want those things in real life, and the weak one who is bad and awful and there is no hope. Jeez if I could turn back the clock if I thought it would do this to me I'd have got rid of that partner straight away. But then of course it would just find something else to pick on anyway. 

 

I think I struggle with the balance of sitting with it and getting lost in the I am not a bad person mantra.

 

Thanks again for all your imput :)

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49 minutes ago, Runningaway said:

If I could have one birthday present ever it would be...

If I could give you one birthday present it would be to be able to think 'Yeah, I'm a bad person. Whoop-e-do-da. Good for me. :laugh:'

Seriously! Many years ago I got to a place where I was so angry with the world I thought (for the first time) 'I wish I was a bad person, get my own back on the human race, make the universe pay. :angry:' Almost miraculously all my OCD obsessions and rituals connected with the belief 'I have to ...because that would make me a bad person :(' stopped troubling me. 

I don't really want revenge on the human race and the universe (well, maybe just a little bit! :D) but I can truly say with complete indifference now 'So what if I'm a bad person? It doesn't matter if I am.' I'm completely at peace with the idea of being a bad person in someone else's eyes, because in my eyes I'm ok - not good, not bad, but ok, just as I am. 

That's the gift I'd like to give to everybody with OCD if I could, getting rid of the need to be good/perfect/never do harm and acceptance that 'ok is good enough' would wipe most OCD off the face of the earth in an instant. 

 

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23 hours ago, snowbear said:

If I could give you one birthday present it would be to be able to think 'Yeah, I'm a bad person. Whoop-e-do-da. Good for me. :laugh:'

I can actually do this on strong days and feel better for it, then seem to relapse a lot. For example, initially in this post I was concerned my fantasies were in appropriate, now its moved on to: well you might have watched illegal content with this particular ex, which I know is stupid as I would of known 2 years ago when the alleged event was watched. It just jumped around like once my brain is over one thought for a bit a new/another pops in. I keep thinking so what if I did do that but then the disclaimer of 'well you didn't' pops in along with ruminating on why. I get so stuck in a bubble and forget we had a normal relationship aside from sex that was a bit kinky, when I see out of the fog I can be ok for periods. 

My murder thought lasted 10 years then suddenly one day it seemed I found it hilarious, and I don't know how I did that, sometimes now I think 'I wish I had the murder thought as its better than this one'.

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