Stuck on a thought - what if I committed a crime while drunk and don't remember?

[PinkPrincess1981]

I'm really struggling with a stuck thought at the minute. All my obsessions revolve around being a bad person and causing harm to people either deliberately or inadvertently. My past obsessions have included: "what if I passed a horrible illness into my friends baby and the baby gets seriously ill or dies?" "What if I committed a crime and blocked it from my memory?" "What if I accidentally ran someone over and didn't notice?" Usually eventually I am able to reason my way out of the thought by accepting that it's unlikely that I would have no memory of committing a crime and that I'm a good person so I would be against my nature to do something bad. Once I manage to overcome a thought through logic my mind just throws up another one for me to obsess over and this latest one has me stuck. The latest one is: "what if I committed a crime when I was drunk?" When I was a teenager and in my early 20's (I'm 39 now) I would go out partying every weekend and quite often drink to excess and sometimes there would be gaps in my memory of nights where I had been drinking. This never bothered me at the time, in fact my friends and I used to laugh about it at the time. Well now my mind is saying: "what if on one of those nights you can't remember everything that happened you did something terrible or hurt someone?" I can't reason the thought away with the usual response which is "it's unlikely I would do something bad and have no memory" as if I had been drinking heavily it's feasible that I might not remember. I also can't use "It would go against my nature to do something bad" as when I've been drinking I have done things out of character and things I usually wouldn't do sober due to alcohol lowering my inhibitions so my mind is telling me you can't say you know for sure you wouldn't act out of character when you are drunk so now the thought has me stuck. I know that I should leave the thought alone and just be ok with uncertainty but how can you be at peace with not knowing if you did something terrible or not? Does anyone who has been through similar obsessions have any advice? Will I ever get to a place where my mind doesn't throw up these thoughts or is it something I'm going to have to just learn to deal with?  I no longer drink and haven't done for years because of the way it affects my mental health.

Edited May 8, 2020 by PinkPrincess1981

[PolarBear]

Stop trying to rationalize your thoughts. That's your big mistake. It's a compulsion, it makes your situation worse and guarantees you will get more ridiculous thoughts in the future.

Get comfortable with not knowing. No one on the planet knows for sure they haven't done something harmful while drunk. Why should you be any different?

You are likely doing other compulsions too, like wracking your brain, trying to remember nights out or asking friends if they recall anything happened. You need to resist the urge to do this.

[IrishOCD]

Hi PinkPrincess1981,

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this type of obsession. I have struggled with this type of rumination over the past few years and its a really difficult one. But I would agree with what PolarBear says, it needs to be treated like any other OCD obsession. Try to allow your self to leave the past in the past and focus on the here and now.

I stopped drinking at the start of this year and I just wish I had realised the connection between my OCD and alcohol alot sooner. But im trying hard to work on my self compassion and be kind to myself. Not to say that anyone with OCD should not drink. Just after years of denial I was able to realise that alcohol just wasnt a good fit for me if I wanted to fight my OCD and give myself the best chance of recovery.

Hope you manage to get some relief soon.

IrishOCD

[PinkPrincess1981]

Thank you both for your replies. It's frustrating because I know what I need to do but it's just being able to take that leap of faith and trust that this is just OCD and I'm not some secret psychopath. When I am really bad I can spend up to 7 hours a day going over and over the thought trying to make sense of it, looking for evidence, reassuring myself, it takes over my life. My sleep suffers, my work suffers, I can't enjoy anything - it's a miserable existence. IrishOCD have you been able to overcome this? Do the thoughts still bother you or are you able to dismiss them?

[IrishOCD]

Hi PinkPrincess1981,

I have had various bad flare ups over the years (some alcohol related/some not) but with time and the right approach things eventually improve. The past obsessions can still pop up in my head from time to time but I am usually able to dismiss them as just OCD and move on with my day. I have however had a pretty rough year for the last 12 month, with extreme rumination and depression for months, to the point where I unfortunately had to leave my job and move back to my family home for a bit. It has been a dreadful year and at times I really did not see a way forward. But thankfully things have slowly but surely started to improve and I am again seeing some light at the end of the tunnel and am able to get a good level of enjoyment out of life. Its always going to be a constant battle but to be out of the all consuming 8hrs a day rumination is a huge relief. I have found exercise and cutting out alcohol to have been particularly useful this time

[PinkPrincess1981]

1 hour ago, IrishOCD said:

Hi PinkPrincess1981,

I have had various bad flare ups over the years (some alcohol related/some not) but with time and the right approach things eventually improve. The past obsessions can still pop up in my head from time to time but I am usually able to dismiss them as just OCD and move on with my day. I have however had a pretty rough year for the last 12 month, with extreme rumination and depression for months, to the point where I unfortunately had to leave my job and move back to my family home for a bit. It has been a dreadful year and at times I really did not see a way forward. But thankfully things have slowly but surely started to improve and I am again seeing some light at the end of the tunnel and am able to get a good level of enjoyment out of life. Its always going to be a constant battle but to be out of the all consuming 8hrs a day rumination is a huge relief. I have found exercise and cutting out alcohol to have been particularly useful this time

I'm glad things are improving for you. I just want to get back to enjoying life instead of feeling like there's a big cloud following me around tainting everything. One thing I struggle with is the thought "what if it's not OCD?" Sometimes I think what if I'm getting these thoughts because I have a guilty conscience and it's not OCD? Ugh, wouldn't it be amazing if you could just switch your thoughts off? Even for a day. 

[IrishOCD]

I struggle with that on a daily basis too. I guess we just have to live with the uncertainty of not knowing and just try to carry on as best we can  

[PolarBear]

9 hours ago, PinkPrincess1981 said:

Thank you both for your replies. It's frustrating because I know what I need to do but it's just being able to take that leap of faith and trust that this is just OCD and I'm not some secret psychopath. When I am really bad I can spend up to 7 hours a day going over and over the thought trying to make sense of it, looking for evidence, reassuring myself, it takes over my life. My sleep suffers, my work suffers, I can't enjoy anything - it's a miserable existence. IrishOCD have you been able to overcome this? Do the thoughts still bother you or are you able to dismiss them?

So, what would happen if you spent a good solid year on OCD recovery and it turned out you were really a psychopath? What harm would be done? You'd still be a psychopath, but at least you did something different. 'Cause sure as shootin', what you have been doing isn't working.

[Sarah P]

I have just come across this board and I am in the exact same situation as PinkPrincess1981 . Have suffered with 'usual ocd' for years, since childhoold, spending hours doing checks that I have left something on. Then during my pregnancy I suffered with Pure O OCD, I was told, this soon disappeared after pregnancy, so possibly hormone related, it was thought and I hoped to never feel like that again. Recently, I have had thoughts that 10 years ago I had a night out, still to this day do not remember the night/how I got home, part of me thinks I was probably put in a taxi/managed to get in a taxi on autopilot, as my friends had already left for the night. I am now scared I did something to harm someone, the 'false thought' changes from time to time but I am seeking reassurahce by googling news for the month and year it happened to see if I can find anything. Nothing has come up but I keep thinking 'what it?!' Its such a draining thing... 

[To orangey for crows]

Absolutely the same here.