The Googling Issue

[Cub]

Hello everyone

Opening up a different thread for this because I think it's something I need to face.

Recently, I've been having a lot of trouble with Googling. I've become obsessed with questions about religion and personal sexuality (most sincere apologies to anyone who's offended by that) and it's been taking over my day-to-day routine. I'm constantly on Twitter, taking reassurance from the presence of progressive and friendly religious figures; I'm always thinking I need to read this article or that one, just to 'make sure' I agree/disagree and that I have all the information I need. I feel I need to read everything, but the more I read, the more questions I have. Religious contemplation can all too easily turn into rumination, and it's upsetting. I've spoken to a fair few different vicars; my therapist; my Dad and still I'm unsatisfied. 

I'm also going to be frank and say that I'm terrified about the next few months. I know I'm safe at home with my Dad and I'm having online CBT but I'm scared that - absurd as it sounds - my OCD is going to keep up just to give myself something to occupy my time with. I know, that sounds mad. My therapist and I have agreed that reassurance seeking and Googling need to stop but I just feel so ridiculous right now. I'm riding the coat-tails of other people's opinions, I'm thinking and ruminating all the time and my brain has been left completely scrambled. I don't know if I can call myself educated or confused. I've had a lot of anxiety attacks over the past couple of months; my body's been constantly shaking. I know I need to preoccupy my time wisely and I do try, by running errands for my family, cooking and doing laundry, etc, but I'm struggling in a big way. I wanted things to go back to normal so badly so I could go back to normal, but at the same time, I know I need to see this through. I'm scared that, when it is eventually time to go back to work, I'll be sad to leave my family after all that, and be by myself again. I feel much more scared and vulnerable than I did before, surrounded by my doubts and thoughts. I'm not getting anything done and I wish I could. So I keep going online to 'check' if all I believe is okay to believe.

I know how mad I sound and I realise we can only take it one day at a time. I feel kind of vulnerable; even though I'm with family, I'm left vulnerable to all these different religious opinions, and it feels like I'm on my own with the rumination; it makes me feel afraid. Religion always makes me feel rather afraid. I know that's silly, but it does; I never want to be on my own for too long with religious thoughts. 

I'm sorry if this sounds offensive to anyone. I'm just Googling a lot and not trusting myself and feel quite sad and cut off from everything I like. 

Thanks for reading,

C x  

[Gemma7]

The thing is Cub, why do you keep googling when you know it does the opposite of what you want? You want to feel sure about what you think and believe. Does googling make you feel more sure or less sure? Does googling make you feel more anxious or less anxious? Does googling increase the number of thoughts you have about religion and sexuality or decrease them? 

You have to begin to tolerate some uncertainty, it's the only way you'll feel more confident about what you believe and feel. It's important to start seeing Google as the cause of the problem not the solution, that way when you reach for your computer, you might think again about bothering with it

It's also natural to be nervous about another change in circumstances, especially when you're feeling so unsettled to start with. Try your best to start tackling some of your OCD now, because it'll give you more strength for when you have to start work again. Also, try to remember that although you have a lot of thoughts, thoughts aren't in themselves signals to do anything. They are just thoughts and can be ignored

[Cub]

Hi Gemma

Thanks for that. I don't know if I'm being appropriate, bringing this particular subject to the forum as I don't want to upset anyone here who may be LGBT - my reasons for this dilemma are purely selfish ones because I want to know I can still read and write LGBT-themed stories to comfort myself during this pandemic. I find it helps greatly with tackling OCD; I used to be quite rigid about sex, romance and sexuality and the older I got, and more open and understanding with the realisation that the approach to sexuality wasn't all black and white was very freeing; I realised I didn't have to be a saint about anything, and became very relaxed. So my reasons for this worry are exceedingly self-obsessed and silly because I want to keep having that freedom to enjoy myself. 

Right now, I just wonder - is God asking me to do something? I have this question on my mind all the time and I get tired and anxious. I keep wondering is God asking me to make a change in my life, stop reading these stories and be sterner with myself? I've been realising the pressure of perfectionism and that what's been motivating me is anxiety, rather than faith, but I feel scared a lot of the time and can't do many of the things that I love, which is frustrating as time is going by and I could be happily writing and reading and doing generally productive things - but I'm not.

I broke down in tears yesterday by my Mum's grave and sat propped up by her headstone for an hour, just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. I know I have to accept uncertainty, but I keep Googling online for the different arguments that I don't have to change anything and I am, altogether, rather exhausted. I'm just terrified God is asking me to do something/be something that I don't want to do or be - and it's not been helped by my approaching a friend to ask for her advice, only for her to inform me that she prayed for God to change her sexuality (which was a massive shock to the system as I assumed she was comfortably bisexual, although married to a man). That said, I have spoken to other LGBT/religious friends who have helped me in far more positive ways, gave me different methods of reading the Bible in a more positive fashion, etc and am seeking affirmations. But I'm just so tired of thinking about this issue all the time because I don't know what's happened to me and I feel like a bad person for having all these doubts and fears and should be punished for thinking this way; cast out of the communities that I want to support. I'm very tired generally; the anxiety has worn me out. Last night I broke down to my friends online and told them that I just wanted to die; I couldn't join my family at dinner and just sat upstairs crying. I've been having suicidal thoughts and feelings and literally the only thing stopping me is knowing how much it would upset my family. I just hate feeling dogged by religious worries because it's a certain kind of scary; you feel like you're alone, with the judging eye of God upon you and all these things people say just hurt you. 

I'm sorry if this is offensive to anyone or if I've hurt anybody's feelings with this; I think I deserve to be punished for thinking this way at all. I've sought out so many different viewpoints and now just want to sleep for a hundred years. 

I'm sorry to be so pathetic, and if this is hurting people. I feel like I'm being bad for being like this. I still consider myself an ally, just right now, I'm anxious up to my eyeballs. I truly wish this hadn't happened and that I could have spent this time more wisely. 

Thanks for reading and my apologies to all.

C  

Edited May 16, 2020 by Cub