Emotions

[mummyoftwogirls]

I have had ocd since the age if 12 but not sure if this is ocd related . 

In the last few years now age 33 I seem to have become more self aware , and there are some things I dont like about myself.

I think I'm probably quite a selfish person,  my ocd has consumed so much of my life its turned my quite self absorbed and I'm always looking for someone to make me feel better . I used to love being a mum and was so involved but since my divorce I'm struggling to be a good mum and sometimes even feel the loving feeling you are supposed too has gone. 

I am very good at seeing peoples point of view and easily pick up when others are sad and I will try and help them as much as I can but I cant really connect to their sadness. Like the thought of people dying doesn't overwhelm me with sadness and that's not normal right?

I've been trying to think if I've always been this way , yes to a certain extent I think I was but I loved and cared a hell of a lot more than I do now . I know I am depressed somewhat too. 

I have a massive fear of abandonment too.

I've become a bit obsessed that I might be a narcissist. Although I do t think I'm special or above anyone else,  quite he opposite . 

 

[mummyoftwogirls]

That should say I dont think I'm special or above anyone

[dksea]

It can be good and healthy to work on self improvement, to see areas where we may fall short of what we would like and try to be better.  At the same time its important to remember that none of us are perfect, we all have our flaws and our weak points.  Each of us is a work in progress.
 

On 20/05/2020 at 21:28, mummyoftwogirls said:

I have had ocd since the age if 12 but not sure if this is ocd related . 

In the last few years now age 33 I seem to have become more self aware , and there are some things I dont like about myself.

OCD almost certainly does play a part, its a significant part of your life, but its also reasonable to have these kind of introspective moments regardless of OCD.  The thing to keep in mind IMO is that OCD might be contributing to increased levels of doubt and distress that might be exaggerating these perceived shortcomings, basically making it seem like you are worse than you actually are.  So I would try and keep that in mind.
 

On 20/05/2020 at 21:28, mummyoftwogirls said:

I used to love being a mum and was so involved but since my divorce I'm struggling to be a good mum and sometimes even feel the loving feeling you are supposed too has gone. 

I'm not a parent so I can't speak to this directly, but in my opinion and experience, love is not simply a feeling, but also a commitment.  The idea that we simply feel this loving feeling 24/7/365 is, I think, a myth.  I love my parents, but I don't constantly feel some sort of magical feeling of love towards them.  Sometimes I have gotten angry with them.  Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own life and forget to connect with them as much as maybe I should, etc.  But I still love them.  I'm fairly confident being a parent is at least somewhat similar, because we are all human.  I'm sure your child/children frustrate you sometimes, and you get tired or sad or some other emotion.  Life in any kind of group involves balancing between our own needs and the needs of others, whether its friends or family or anything.  In your case you have the added complications of OCD, divorce, being a single parent, and of course, living with the current global health situation.  Those are all stressful things, so its not surprising you would be feeling stressed and less than your best self because of it.  I think most of us are in that boat right now.
 

On 20/05/2020 at 21:28, mummyoftwogirls said:

I am very good at seeing peoples point of view and easily pick up when others are sad and I will try and help them as much as I can but I cant really connect to their sadness. Like the thought of people dying doesn't overwhelm me with sadness and that's not normal right?

How each of us reacts to death and loss is different, but more than that, the idea of death vs an actual death is also quite different.  It would be abnormal to be overwhelmed with sadness at the mere idea of death.  Not that you shouldn't care, or caring is a bad thing, but death is a part of life, and if you were overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of people dying, you'd never be able to NOT be sad, because its something that is constantly happening.  Additionally you can feel sadness and grief and loss for an actual person or persons who die, perhaps whom you know, without being overwhelmed by sadness.  Again, different people experience and handle loss in different, perfectly valid, ways.
 

On 20/05/2020 at 21:28, mummyoftwogirls said:

I've been trying to think if I've always been this way , yes to a certain extent I think I was but I loved and cared a hell of a lot more than I do now . I know I am depressed somewhat too. 

You are going through a tough time, like I mentioned above.  its a good idea to keep that in mind and cut yourself a break   Its fine to be introspective and try to improve oneself but recognize the unique challenges you are facing and include those realities in any planning or changes you make.

[mummyoftwogirls]

Thank you so much for your balanced and lovely reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. 

You are totally right , this is a mixture of everything coming together. And ocd exasperating it. 

I have lots to improve on but I suppose all in good time.

Thank you again x

[dksea]

You're very welcome. I'm glad it helped.

And remember, self-improvement, like OCD is a marathon, not a sprint.  You don't have to fix everything all at once