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Checking can be a compulsion can't it, because I've ended up checking to see if my fear is even possible, having a bad copule days I've given in to checking it..and of course it lead me to believe I messed up and said the thing I fear instead of something similar..

My fear is saying a certain thing under my breath

So I was seeing if it was possible to speak whilst exhaling and seeing if I would remember if I'd said something or if it could be done without moving my mouth (insane I know)

It's caused me to worry further

I was checking for reassurance 

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9 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I know I just had to give in this time, and all it does it worsen things! OCD is horrid. Erghhhhh!

Its frustrating to fall short of our goals, but keep in mind OCD recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.  We all make mistakes or have setbacks along the way, its not the end.  Sometimes just resisting for a little bit longer this time than last is a victory too.

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I feel with me and this day I ruminate over, well not day, a moment in a day many years ago..

That because for once I didn't jump up and run away from my fears that it's caused my worries to escalate to a massive level.

I thought facing it would shut it off once and for all looking at it now, but it CREATED the monster of a worry that I can't shake fully.

Every day I worry that I am a bad person, bad because I worry that i did something wrong, I'm worried that because I didnt react in my usual way and I listened to ocds horrible ideas that I somehow became evil in that moment. It's just a moment that I could never have planned and because it was so unplanned and unintended it's so hard when replaying it a billion times to work out what is even real or what the exact reason for it all was.

Does this make sense...in a nonsensical way?!

I don't want to ruminate about it but it still holds on year after year..if I could just see that it's OCD I could slam the door in its face.

It's so awful having this fear that you did wrong, and blaming yourself.

If someone said to me now just say the sentence you fear , I wouldnt, or if someone said try to do it, go on... I wouldn't. It's simple.

But in that moment amidst all these Intrusive thoughts my reactions are so different when put on the spot. I feel I responded wrong and keep blaming myself.

I tried to prove I was winning and wouldn't be fooled and the more I tried the bigger the spike was in the end.

Sorry for the waffle.

I just want it to end.

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On 23/05/2020 at 07:57, ocdsufferer85 said:

That because for once I didn't jump up and run away from my fears that it's caused my worries to escalate to a massive level.

I thought facing it would shut it off once and for all looking at it now, but it CREATED the monster of a worry that I can't shake fully.

Its perfectly normal to have this kind of reaction when you stop engaging in compulsions.  The whole purpose of compulsions is to try and reduce the anxiety we feel because of our intrusive thoughts.  If you stop doing that, you'll feel greater worry at first.  Unfortunately recovery from OCD isn't a quick change, you have to face down your fear again and again to undo the wrong thinking that has been happening.  You are, in a sense, unlearning a bad habit.  Think of it like this, if you have been a smoker for 10 years, you smoke a cigarette after every meal, without fail.  One day you decide to stop smoking (good!).  You don't have your normal cigarette after breakfast.  Its highly unlikely that will be easy, or that you will never smoke again after skipping that one time.  
Beating OCD requires persistence and patience.  You made the right choice this time, thats great.  Now you have to keep making that right choice in the future as often as you possibly can.  The worry will fade, you'll adjust to a new normal.

 

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Hi thank you, it's horrible that the only way out of ocd is to face the fear ..because facing the fear makes it all the more real to me, and then I sit and beat myself up and think what a monster I've just been!!!!

I didn't plan to do any exposure it just happened in the moment because to me I thought there's no way it'd 'win' this time.

However it didn't stop until I spiked up in horror at the thought that id messed up , ever since I've been saying to myself why didn't I walk away from it whilst I felt good.

People with ocd run from fears so why did I do that, why did I freeze up, why did I take a risk..

And then it's ended up worse then ever.

I like your replies they make alot of sense ,it's just hard to get past this horrid illness I mean the last few days I thought ...I am back to square one, I can't do this anymore, I shouldn't be alive, I shouldn't be here, I am evil.

And however mad it seems to anyone else it feels real inside and I feel so drained and ashamed and terrified.

When the spiral starts it's hard to see a way forward again, I have been dealing with it much better but I get these dips and visit the forum and then it seems like I've made no progress and I get told off for posting the same stuff.

I want to know when or if I'm allowed to be happy again, free from guilt, I feel tainted and that I don't deserve to live or get a big house or do anything nice, I feel like I'm trapped.

What can I tell myself ? How can I convince myself I am ill?

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20 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I didn't plan to do any exposure it just happened in the moment because to me I thought there's no way it'd 'win' this time.

Planned exposures are usually easier to deal with, you can prepare and have a structure in place, but the reality of life is that unplanned exposures can happen too.  Getting to the point where we can function in our daily life even when such situations happen is the ultimate goal of OCD recovery, however its not at all unusual or bad that you got in to a situation you weren't prepared for and struggled in response.  Thats to be expected.  If you could handle it easily you wouldn't need to be here.  OCD is a war not a battle, some times you lose battles but you can still win the war.
 

20 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

People with ocd run from fears so why did I do that, why did I freeze up, why did I take a risk..

SOMETIMES people with OCD run from fears, but it isn't so cut and dry as they ALWAYS do that.  Life is complicated, people are complciated.  Flight is one possible response to these kind of feared situations.  The goal again is to NOT run away when faced with an unpleasant situation, but to be able to handle it like a "normal" person would.  NOT running away doesn't mean its not OCD, it doesn't mean you are happy about it, it doesn't mean your worst fears are somehow true.  Thats black and white thinking, its an OCD trap.  Try not to fall for it.
 

21 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I want to know when or if I'm allowed to be happy again, free from guilt, I feel tainted and that I don't deserve to live or get a big house or do anything nice, I feel like I'm trapped.

What can I tell myself ? How can I convince myself I am ill?

It is definitely frustrating, frustrating to feel like you are facing the same battles over and over again.  Sometimes you are, and it can mean you need to change something about your approach or get more help.  Sometimes things are different, but its hard to realize that at the time, you might be dealing with it better than you think, but because its not as good as you want to be it feels like its always the same.  I find that journaling can be helpful in that regard.  When I am struggling it can help to look back and see the enteries i made previously, compare it to now and realize "oh, i guess i felt even more anxiety earlier.  I still feel crummy now, but instead of a 9 level of anxiety, its down to a 7.5".

Finally, OCD is a disease of doubt, unfotunately that can include doubting your problem IS OCD in some peoples cases.  It would be easy if you could just simply accept things, but if you could then you wouldn't have OCD to begin with. Accepting things easily is the whole problem.  Part of overcoming OCD is accepting that at least sometimes we CANT feel 100% certain about things.  You have to choose to believe they are true even if you aren't sure.  You CAN choose to act as though your problem is OCD.  You don't have to know 100% it is.  Heck, most mental illness isn't even diagnosed based on some kind of physical test you take but on observation and behavior.  Its not like you take a blood test and they say "yup, there is the OCD germs, you've got OCD."   I was diagnosed that way, by describing my symptoms to a qualified medical professional and by them observing me and discusisng my situation with other observers (my parents in my case).  I can't point to a lab test that "proves" it, but it IS the best explanation and best fit for my situation.  So I choose to believe it.  You can do the same, you can trust the experts and the observations of others.  You can accept that you feel doubt, but that if indeed you do have OCD, feeling doubt would be a "normal" part of that.

As for being happy again, being free from guilt, etc. thats the ultimate goal of recovery, and the best thing I can recommend is working with a qualified therapist if at all possible and creating a recovery plan.  Having some structure to help you on your journey, setting milestones you can measure and feel good about achieving.  For most people its a lot easier to make progress that way than just having some vague "I want to get better" idea in our heads.  If you can put together a plan on your own, thats great too, and maybe if working with a therpaist now is not an option, thats how you have to start, and there are books that can help you do that.  But I think having a plan and setting goals and milestones is the best bet. Otherwise, like you have found, its hard to measure wether you have gotten stuck or are making progress, its just slower than you'd like.

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Thank you for this, most people either ingore my posts or tell me to stop asking the questions.

It's helpful to have actual advise.

Yes I do have ocd. I think what proves it is my reaction to something that others around me see as totally illogical and it doesn't effect them in the slightest.

Obsessing and having these fears and horrible unwanted thoughts and ideas isn't normal.

I think it's just so unfair that the illness gets into your brain and muddles up with the real you...and then you doubt who you are, the worst thing about ocd is having this guilt ...but the illness itself causes the guilt...but you're buried in the guilt so deep that it's hard to see it's the illness! 

An epileptic doesn't feel guilty for having epilepsy, but ocd makes you feel guilty over everything and totally removes itself and tells you it's all YOU.

ITS A NIGHTMARE!!!

I have had tons and tons of therapy, I've had ocd since a very young age and I've had every kind you can think of... however this one has been the absolute worst and I haven't moved away from it in nearly 10 years...

Others come and go but this stays.

It's a daily battle and im used to having it now, it's automatic to respond in the ways that I do now..I can't remember a time without this worry anymore.

I guess when you're geared up you can plan things out as you say exposure you're focused and do it safely...however with my worry it happened on the spot and I just froze up and approached it with no planning because it was just happening..the thoughts were there, I was calm and relaxed, I felt in that moment quite good because I thought I was in control, I decided to try to prove it and it's used this against me.

It's turned the most minute thing into a monster of a worry. It'll have been a minute or two at the time ..but blowing it up and analyzing it for all this time it's become massive and its added all these details that weren't even there at the time! However it's made me believe whatever it says JUST INCASE..or I feel bad if I don't feel guilty for it...just in case that part happened etc.

It's become a learned behaviour to ruminate and take the blame for anything it says I have done...when the reality of the tiny event would be the tiniest of things,its added so many things like WHAT IF THIS HAPPENED...WHAT IF YOU DID THIS...etc and my mind has filled in the blanks ... Made lots of false memories within it.

Anyway I am trying my best to accept it's ocd and that I am not alone, I read many ppls stories on these forums and they sound very similar to me...which shows that we are all suffering with the same illness.

Thank you for reading and replying!

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On 28/05/2020 at 09:58, ocdsufferer85 said:

I have had tons and tons of therapy, I've had ocd since a very young age and I've had every kind you can think of... however this one has been the absolute worst and I haven't moved away from it in nearly 10 years...

Therapy is a lot like piano lessons.  You can go to the lessons and work with the teacher, but if you don't practice outside the lesson, your progress will be quite a bit slower and when you stop going to the lessons you'll quickly lose any progress you made.  You have to take what you learn in the lesson and practice it often outside of the lesson in order to really progress.  Same for therapy.  Many times people who don't see much progress with therapy are forgetting that important part, that what's really important is not the sessions themselves, but what you learn and then applying it in their everyday life.  

On 28/05/2020 at 09:58, ocdsufferer85 said:

It's a daily battle and im used to having it now, it's automatic to respond in the ways that I do now..I can't remember a time without this worry anymore.

When you've been struggling for a long time it can be difficult to undo the bad habits and behaviors that have become commonplace in dealing with your OCD, but it can be done.  A life long smoker can still quit.  A life long drinker can become sober.  A life long OCD sufferer can apply CBT, reduce and eliminate their compulsions and change how they frame and respond to intrusive thoughts.  You can unlearn these automatic responses, it takes effort and practice, but it can absolutely be done.
 

Meanwhile, if you haven't already, perhaps you should consider medication as a way to help make dealing with the OCD more managable.  It almost certainly won't make your problems disappear or anything like that, but it can help, not only with how you are feeling now but make it easier to tackle the CBT side of things and make the changes to your behavior and thought patterns less overwhelming.  Talk to your doctor, talk to your therapist.  Make a plan for how to move forward, set some goals, give yourself something you can measure so you can check your progress.  It can be done, its not impossible.  Many of us struggle for years to get.a handle on our OCD, but when we do it makes all the difference.

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