Stuck

[LosingHope124]

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted to this board often, but after reflecting for quite some time I think it may be in my best interest to reach out on here. There's a previous post I had made here, in case you'd like the context of what's been going on in my mind these past few weeks.

https://www.ocdforums.org/index.php?/topic/87168-serious-mental-health-issue-thought-about-suicide-long-post-please-help/

TL;DR: I had a Real Event occur that in some way makes me feel like I've broken my own moral foundation (POCD-ish kind of situation)

Lately, I've been feeling very stuck. My mind feels like it's living in some hellish parallel Universe. My history with OCD to this point has always just been heavy rumination (which I seem to be doing now) and intrusive thoughts for the most part. I've had other minor ticks like handwashing, germaphobia, etc., but what I am feeling right now is on another level because it is an attack on my own morality, something that has always been very, very important to me.

I've tried to reconcile this as just a common err in human judgment, and for moments I actually do feel that way, but it is so few and far between that I feel any relief from the battle going on in my own mind. Even though I am fully aware I cannot just go back and change the past I ruminate so much on those thoughts of "Well, if I would have made X decision I wouldn't be in this circumstance", which just causes me to be even harder on myself. I feel so inhibited from looking for love or happiness, like I am completely undeserving of it.

Having been trying to cope with this for the past month I have had time to reflect in what is as close as I can get to sound mind, and I realized that my biggest obstacle is not what I think of myself, because I know the truth, but what others would think if they knew about my event. I feel like they'd cast me out or just treat me with outright contempt. This is specially true for those who I am close with or very fond of. The judgment of others, or expected judgment rather, has left me all but paralyzed.

I feel like life is tainted now, that no matter what I do I will not forget about this event. I feel like everything I do going forward will never be as good as it could have been had this never happened. My mind seems to be starting to disassociate, or at least I am having some symptoms of what it felt like when I went through that in my 20's. Nothing looks the same. Nothing feels the same. I don't create like I used to. I don't even listen to music anymore, really. I feel like all my motivation and drive has been stolen from me. I feel like I have the intelligence to see what is going on, but yet still am having an incredibly difficult time letting it go. The fact that I feel this way drives further compulsions to "confess" my situation and let these people I care about know every detail of the incident.

I believe the stress of this event is compounded by that fact that it not only was a real event, but that there's no "undo" mechanism in my brain for it like all my previous obsessions. There's no real way for me to gain reassurance, and even though I know that is the point, it's so disabling because nothing that has happened previous to this has left me feeling so completely helpless. I've always been able to deal 'til now, and the constant onslaught of pain this is causing me has lead to suicidal ideations and contemplations. I see it as redundant to keep pursuing a life that I feel like I cannot have now due to this event. I am having a rough time following through on a therapist, because whatever they may tell me, at the end of the day the memory is there. They can't just undo that. I have even gone as far as looking into ECT to disrupt my minds connection to the memory of the event, or if I were lucky just erase it all together.

I suppose I do not need reassurance on whether I am a good person or not. What I need is to be able to feel like I am still worth all of these things, and that's why this battle feels so helpless, because I am my own worst enemy, and I do not know if I can find a path forward back home to how I'd felt all my life previous to this. 

I've recently gotten back in touch with a girl I care very deeply about, but I choose not to pursue it because I feel like I wouldn't be able to hide this from her. I wouldn't be able to feel like a fake when I am with her, feeling like I am hiding something. I feel like eventually I would just confess the whole situation anyway, and just hope for the best. This person is really important to me. Even though it is counter to what advice is offered in overcoming this, I know that deep down in my heart if I had confessed this whole situation and she stuck around, stuck by me through it, that I would be okay. I feel like through her forgiveness and understanding I could somehow find atonement. I cannot even fathom entering a relationship with this being hidden.

I am open to any advice, and logical reasoning has worked best, and I really do need it right now, because I am feeling so defeated.
Please help, if you can.


PS. Even though at the end of the day I will make my own decisions, I'd like to hear what you all think in regards to this girl. Should I let her into my life with all this chaos surrounding it? From your experiences, do you think this would be healthy for me? If so, how do I live with this daily guilt of how I feel about my event and the dishonesty I'll feel in not disclosing it? If we do reconnect, should I just leave it buried? What, in your experience, would be best?

 

 

Edited May 21, 2020 by LosingHope124

[snowbear]

3 hours ago, LosingHope124 said:

I am open to any advice

If you truly mean that, then here's my advice as an old and wrinkled person with decades of living experience. More 'life advice' than 'OCD advice' becauise I'm in that kind of mood today. Take it or leave it as you see fit. 

3 hours ago, LosingHope124 said:

I suppose I do not need reassurance on whether I am a good person or not.

Depends how you define 'good person'. In my books someone who is readily able to forgive mistakes (their own as well as other peoples') is a good person, because to forgive is the kind and loving thing to do. Holding yourself to such a high moral standard that you won't let something go  (forgive yourself) makes for a rigid and less loving person. Are you defining 'good' as 'morally correct'? Because on that path lies misery and disappointment for the whole of your life. Better to be 'morally well-intentioned' than morally perfect. My advice is to carefully rethink how you choose to define 'good'. 

3 hours ago, LosingHope124 said:

I believe the stress of this event is compounded by that fact that it not only was a real event, but that there's no "undo" mechanism in my brain for it like all my previous obsessions. There's no real way for me to gain reassurance, and even though I know that is the point, it's so disabling because nothing that has happened previous to this has left me feeling so completely helpless. I've always been able to deal 'til now, and the constant onslaught of pain this is causing me has lead to suicidal ideations and contemplations. I see it as redundant to keep pursuing a life that I feel like I cannot have now due to this event. I am having a rough time following through on a therapist, because whatever they may tell me, at the end of the day the memory is there.

The older you get the more troubling memories you'll accumulate. Things you've done that make you squirm when you remember them, regrets you have to carry, failures you can't undo. If you don't adjust how you approach the world you'll quickly find life unbearable.

The answer is to become kinder to yourself. To accept there will be times in life where you will feel helpless and in pain. To allow those times to come and go and get on with life in spite of them. The memory will always be there, but it doesn't mean you have to keep remembering it, ruminate on it and beat yourself up over it. My advice is to look for the lessons learned in this episode and then to accept you're not perfect and let it go. 

3 hours ago, LosingHope124 said:

how do I live with this daily guilt of how I feel about my event and the dishonesty I'll feel in not disclosing it? If we do reconnect, should I just leave it buried? What, in your experience, would be best?

You live with guilt by coming to terms with it. You rethink your definition of dishonesty and accept there are some things which are best left unspoken, even if that pains you. Consider silence on the matter your private burden to carry alone, tuck it away somewhere and then forgive yourself and let it go. Stop dwelling on it. Stop dragging the past into the present. 

3 hours ago, LosingHope124 said:

I feel so inhibited from looking for love or happiness, like I am completely undeserving of it.

If the only people who deserved love and happiness were those who never put a foot wrong in life there would be zero love in the world and every last person on earth would be miserable.  Everybody deserves love, happiness and forgiveness. A second chance, and a third, and more. Your choice is whether to let life, love and happiness pass you by while you ruminate on this, or to accept you aren't perfect and you don't need to be perfect to be 'a good person'. Then go out and grasp life with both hands and a full heart. 

[Slowcoach]

This is a late response but I really related to your initial post. I have read your initial post and this one here. I had a breakdown which was similar to this in a way and absolutely destroyed me for months. I had another shorter one where I saw some videos of underage girls in swimming costumes on Youtube when I was looking for something else. I wasn't aroused by it, nor had I been looking for it, but that's OCD for you. It's like you feel guilty by simply having seen something.

I really feel for you trying to get answers over some random image online. I know offering reassurance is the wrong thing to do. I can't offer reassurance as to who was in the pic.

What I will say is - I'm sure you know most men look at porn of some kind. I don't see that you've done anything wrong in relation to child abuse, that seems to be what's upsetting you. If you didn't seek that image out then you've done nothing wrong. You don't need to tell any girls about it, there's nothing to confess. You won't be able to find out who made the image, it will have gone round the internet for ages if it's a meme.

You were looking online and an image came up which upset you, is all you seem to have done.

It sounds like classic OCD. You're feeling the shame and sense of being unworthy. I would say keep exploring help, books, good websites, therapists if you can. Try the NHS if you haven't already.

I lost my chance to get back with an amazing girl who could have really helped me and made me happy, and I think I could have made her happy too, all because of this type of OCD. I would really say don't let it spoil things for you.

 

[Moon222]

I too have recently been dealing with “real event” OCD and it’s been tearing me apart.  I have regrets on things I’ve done, I carry shame and sadness, I feel unworthy of my partners love and I feel like without all this information my partner doesn’t know that kind of person he is with, despite the fact he has said the past is in the past And he doesn’t need to know and that I need to move on.  I also constantly fear the information will one day come out.  I constantly feel the need to “confess” my sins and I know, from past experience with my OCD that doing this will make it a whole lot worse.  I almost feel like I’m lying.  I also have the need to understand WHY I made these mistakes and I constantly ruminate over the facts or my entire life leading up to it.  

On much scrolling the web and looking for answers, which in itself I realise is reassurance, I have found that I need to sit with these thoughts and let them be, so I can eventually make peace with them and let them go.  It is making peace with ourselves that’s the key.

The response from snowbear actually made me feel quite emotional.  We beat ourselves up all the time, everyone makes mistakes...just others are able to move past it And our OCD minds just constantly stand in our way.