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Hi everyone

I'm just going to leave this here; I don't expect anyone to reply, I just want to share.

As many of you know, over the last couple of months I've been struggling. I'm very depressed, constantly consider suicide and the last couple of nights have been breaking down to my dad and stepmum as I've not been well.

The source of all my struggles is that I keep going back and visiting a certain fundamentalist website - I know I sound mad. I did it again last night and I'm not sure why - I totally disagree with them and their views but at the same time I'm terrified of letting myself be brainwashed by them and changing into a worst person of myself, becoming someone I don't recognise, letting down all my friends, etc. I wake up every day and I'm seized by the fear that God wants me to do something specific that I can't deliver and it's frightening me. I know, I sound insane. 

I seem to have developed a kind of 'checking' OCD; I want to 'check' that I don't agree with things I find harmful; I'm scared that they may be right and want to be sure that they're not; I think 'if I can read every inch of this website and still disagree, I'm good.' I can't do any of the things I usually like doing and it's got to the point where my dad is considering taking my laptop away because every time I go on, I'm seized by the impulse to visit these harmful places. I feel bad and like I've disappointed everyone; although not a lot of people know the truth. I keep seeming to look at things through this website's point of view and I hate myself for that; I'm tired, I'm very, very tired and feel like I want to pitch myself out of a window to make it all go away. I keep asking my dad 'what if God is trying to tell me something,' etc. I'm also googling a lot of harmful places on the internet, whereas in the past I would have just shrugged it all off; now it just gets to me and I wonder do I have to be more like them? Do I have to change? But I don't want to change.

I'm tired of all this nonsense. It's been going on for two months. I feel like I'm entirely to blame; the trouble is, when it all started I knew there was no getting out of it easily and I'm so sick of all this. I know I have to accept the uncertainty and fight the compulsions but it's like my mind keeps going 'but what if, what if, what if, these people do it differently, what if I could be trying harder?' and then going back to try and understand and to 'do better' even though I know it's harmful. I feel like yet again, something has been taken away from me and all I can see ahead of me is several more years of uncertainty and pain. I worry that I'll go down a dark path and by the time I come out, nobody will be there. I've had loads of help, I'm having online CBT, but I can't seem to handle these things and feel ashamed. I just feel like I was in this for the long run. I turn thirty next month and I'm not looking forward to it because chances are that I'll still feel bad. I feel like a bad person and I just want to die. 

C x

 

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Have you ever heard of the 'helicopter view' to OCD? That's where you try to understand your predicament by looking at your situation as someone else would from above.

When I read your post it struck me that you're in the classic trap of OCD. Put simply, you're self doubting and seeking to reassure yourself  by checking.

Evil masterminds don't worry about doing bad things and certainly don't have a morale crisis over things they've thought or read about. All you've written shows to me is that you're not a bad person, and that the OCD is leading you to believe you're the opposite of who you are.

 

Take care

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Thankyou, DeepBlue, for your kind reply and for offering such a good opinion. 

I just had a session with my therapist, albeit online and he agreed it's OCD making me do these things. He wants me to write an exposure script for myself that I can read. My next session isn't until next Wednesday which makes me a little anxious but that gives me a little more time to try and put this into practice as I've been doing badly. I just wanted to be 'sure' of everything and it's been scary; it's been anxiety and fear, rather than love and faith and I've been scared of losing myself to some horrible conservatism. I just felt like I wasn't allowed to be happy. 

Thankyou once more; I hope you're doing well. 

C x

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