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Please Help!!! - Sexual Compulsions Worsened by Quarantine


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Hello everyone, I've never been diagnosed with OCD but some of the posts here are about things quite similar to what I'm experiencing, so I thought I might be able to find help here. For years I've struggled with compulsive thoughts, mostly of a sexual and/or violent nature. I've compulsively used internet pornography for years as well, and in hand with my other compulsions, what I've looked at has grown progressively darker as I've needed more novel things to satiate my desires. My descent down this path was suddenly interrupted by a relationship I had which greatly improved my mental state, lasting nine months. It ended mutually, and on good terms, but after it ended, I was right back to my old ways. This was worsened by quarantine beginning right around that same time, and with more time than ever to indulge in my compulsions, I hit rock bottom. With such an exposure to pornography, I was looking for more extreme things than ever, and I went on to reach a new low, and use illegal content for these purposes. The reality of what I'd done only set in a few days afterwards, and now I'm living with extreme guilt over what I looked at, and intense paranoia and anxiety about being caught for it. My compulsions are eating me from the inside out, I don't know how to deal with them, and I don't know how to talk about them. For the first time in my life I'm having serious thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I don't know how I can live with these things going on inside my mind- please, any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

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Hello @ineedhelp55333, sorry to hear you are struggling right now.  Unfortunately the quarentine situation definitely is adding stress to most peoples lives right now, and for those of us with mental health issues that can make things worse.

In OCD compulsions are behaviors a person engages in to try and alleviate distress/anxiety one feels related to intrusive thoughts.  They are not behaviors the sufferer enjoys, but does to seek a sense of relief or completeness from the doubt caused by OCD.  As you mention sexual themes are not uncommon, though I think they might be a little different from your situation.  For example, a person might worry about being gay (or straight if they are gay).  As a result they might either try and prove to themselves they are straight by looking at pornography that would affirm that or conversely try to prove they are not gay by looking at some gay pornography to test if they have a response.  They do look at pornography, but it is our of a sense of worry and fear, not enjoyment or pleasure.  Or the pornography can be related to the worry itself.  For example a person might feel worried that their looking at such material will be judged as morally wrong, or that they inadvertantly did something illegal and might get caught for it, etc.

From your description, it sounds like you desire the pornography and engage in more and more, as you put it, extreme forms, as part of trying to meet a pleasurable desire.  Your situation sounds more like someone with an addiction, say a smoker who ends up smoking more and more over time.  I could be wrong, and feel free to clarify if I am, but if i'm right, then OCD isn't quite what you are looking at dealing with.

That said, there is still some similarity and some benefit I think that can be gained.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or CBT) is used both in the treatment of OCD as well as addiction.  Whether your compulsion is driven by excessive desire (addiction) or excessive worry (OCD) the goal is to reduce compulsive behaviors in order to get better control of your life.  Breaking compulsions is hard, especially at first, but it can be done.  Working with a qualified mental health professional is likely your best bet, both for diagnosis and for helping tailor the right treatment approach, but if thats not an option right now for whatever reason, there are self guided CBT books out there that you can use to help yourself through your struggles and forums such as this one to provide support (though again if your problem isn't OCD it may be tougher to get the best help you need here).

Anyway, I hope that helps a bit to give you some starting points.  Of course feel free to reply if you want to clarify or discuss your situation more, and you can check out the OCD-UK website for more information on OCD, OCD treatment, OCD support, etc.  I"m sure there are also good resources out there for addiction too if thats more where your problem lies.  The bad news is you seem to have some kind of problem (or you wouldn't be asking for help!) but the good news is that help is out there.

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