Gone against my OCD by accident :-( feel rubbish

[MarkOVDVersion]

I'm not sure if this forum requires trigger warnings? but anyone with Religious OCD, Superstitious OCD, Magical thinking should maybe avoid

Easy to say I feel rubbish right now, when I feel I've gone against my OCD, which in my eyes means "Something really bad will happen to me the following year" I get a sudden rush of emotions, I feel anxious, scared, depressed and like I am about to cry it's a horrible feeling

So when I was sat outside today, enjoying the lovely weather, I heard my Neighbours phone going off, his ringtone is the Exorcist theme music which as you can imagine for someone with Superstitous, Magical thinking OCD can be a trigger. When I heard it I suddenly got a intrusive thought that if his ring tone stops as soon as my foot touches the floor, I can't play my computer games later tonight

'My OCD targets things I enjoy'

Naturally, his ring tone did stop as soon as my foot touched the floor, so I get this sudden wave of anger inside of me, my OCD depriving me yet again, this in turn leads to what I call 'Neutralising Rituals' ie my OCD says if I do this ritual I can in fact play my computer games later after all, as you can imagine it's not as simple as that though, it's ritual after ritual with my OCD rarely sticking to its part of the bargain.

I make the mistake of trying to research The Exorcist, looking for reassurance that it's all a made up story anyway and some demon is not going to magically make something horrible happen if I go against my OCD

Fast forward a hour and my OCD is now deciding I should avoid eating my dinner, as well as no computer games later, then it gets to that stage I sometimes get where my OCD is changing its mind every 5 minutes, 1 minute I can't have my dinner, then I can, then I can't etc etc etc, its SO difficult to know what the right decision is in these situations, sooooo I felt like I could eat my dinner, but as soon as I did I straight away felt like it was the wrong decision, and a sudden urge to burst into tears, along with crippling anxiety

I feel rubbish now and It's already leading to a huge spike in so called "Neutralising" rituals to make up for my possible mistake, I know I shouldn't but I just feel so sad and horrible

Sorry for such a long post

 

[pinklemonade]

Hello, I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I completely understand how you feel because I know how cruel ocd can be. Ocd is such a bully and so hard to fight, but you can get through this! Try and remind yourself that what you think can not cause things to happen. Remember you have control, if your ocd tells you you cant have dinner, tell your ocd you can, and that not having dinner has no correlation with your intrusive thoughts. Your ocd knows you like computer games, so that why its saying you cant play them, ocd is cruel like that. Keep telling yourself your intrusive thoughts are not connected to computer games, and playing computer games has no connection to your intrusive thoughts. Maybe try to do a exposure and response. Play video games for a while and it will show you that playing videos games and your intrusive thoughts are not connected. 

[PolarBear]

Trigger warnings are not appreciated on this forum. Anything can be a trigger.

You have magical thinking. It's all nonsense. What you should do is reslize the compulsions you did after you got the thought and work to put a stop to them in the future. That's your problem, not some silly thought.

[dksea]

Hi @MarkOVDVersion,  sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Dealing with OCD is hard, we all understand that, we all know the pain it can inflict.  Violating the "rules" it puts in our lives can make us feel awful, it's true.  However, going against it is also exactly what you need to do if you want to overcome it.  The problem with following all these rules, engaging in the rituals, the compulsions, etc. is it only reinforces in our minds that these "rules" matter, that they are important, that we HAVE to follow them.  You are trading short term, temporary relief, for long term suffering.  Its like borrowing money from the mob to pay off your credit card debt.  Sure it solves the immediate problem but now you have a MUCH bigger one.  Trust me, I understand why you do it, it can be hard in the midst of the anxiety/doubt/suffering of the intrusive thought to do the right thing, to NOT give in to the urge to do a neutralizing compulsion.  But  again, if you want to overcome OCD thats exactly what you need to start doing.  It will be hard at first, but it can be done, you can overcome this, and the sooner you start doing the right things, the sooner you can feel better.
 

9 hours ago, MarkOVDVersion said:

Easy to say I feel rubbish right now, when I feel I've gone against my OCD, which in my eyes means "Something really bad will happen to me the following year" I get a sudden rush of emotions, I feel anxious, scared, depressed and like I am about to cry it's a horrible feeling

It IS a horrible feeling, but it is also just a feeling.  You need to start working on challenging these beliefs when they pop in to your head.  There is no connection between following these rituals and the fear outcome.  Maybe something really bad will happen to you, its certainly possible, bad things happen to people (just look at the world around us right now!) but its also possible something really bad won't happen.  And either way, whether or not you put your foot down at a certain time isn't going to matter in whether or not something bad happens.  It can FEEL like thats true, but that doesn't mean it IS true.  Just because you have an idea in your head doesn't mean its true.  I can have the idea in my head that I can fly.  Does that mean I should go jump off a tall building?  Of course not.  I can have the idea in my head that I'm a billionaire.  Does that mean my bank account is suddenly going to be overflowing with money?  Of course not.  The same is true for the idea in YOUR head that doing/not doing certain things will cause something really bad to happen.  No matter how strongly you feel it that doesn't mean it is true or will happen.  Feelings don't define reality.

Heres an example.  Imagine you are walking in the woods, you hear a noise in the bushes.  The thought pops in to your head, "OMG its a bear!".  You feel anxiety, you feel panic, you feel fear.  Then, a rabbit hops out of the bushes across the path and on its way.  There was no bear.  You were never in any danger. All the things you felt were real emotions.  The thought you had was a real thought.  But that didn't mean you WERE in danger, it didn't mean there WAS a bear.  Reality doesn't change merely because we have a thought.  

Meanwhile, something really bad is ALREADY happening to you, you are being trapped in a life of suffering by OCD.  By following its rules you are creating a terrible outcome already.  You've become worried about some future bad situation, but lost sight of the fact that you are currently in one.  Doesn't it make more sense to try and change that current bad situation, than worry so much about the hypothetical but unproven future one?  That doesn't make much sense does it.  Better to tackle the current problem, even though it will be hard and painful at times, than to continue allowing it to make your life worse now.  You can overcome this, it doesn't take special skill or talent, just the right choices, patience and persistence.  And if you need help, well thats ok too, its out there, and this forum can help you find it.  time to stop living by OCD's rules and get back control.  

[MarkOVDVersion]

7 hours ago, dksea said:

Hi @MarkOVDVersion,  sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Dealing with OCD is hard, we all understand that, we all know the pain it can inflict.  Violating the "rules" it puts in our lives can make us feel awful, it's true.  However, going against it is also exactly what you need to do if you want to overcome it.  The problem with following all these rules, engaging in the rituals, the compulsions, etc. is it only reinforces in our minds that these "rules" matter, that they are important, that we HAVE to follow them.  You are trading short term, temporary relief, for long term suffering.  Its like borrowing money from the mob to pay off your credit card debt.  Sure it solves the immediate problem but now you have a MUCH bigger one.  Trust me, I understand why you do it, it can be hard in the midst of the anxiety/doubt/suffering of the intrusive thought to do the right thing, to NOT give in to the urge to do a neutralizing compulsion.  But  again, if you want to overcome OCD thats exactly what you need to start doing.  It will be hard at first, but it can be done, you can overcome this, and the sooner you start doing the right things, the sooner you can feel better.
 

It IS a horrible feeling, but it is also just a feeling.  You need to start working on challenging these beliefs when they pop in to your head.  There is no connection between following these rituals and the fear outcome.  Maybe something really bad will happen to you, its certainly possible, bad things happen to people (just look at the world around us right now!) but its also possible something really bad won't happen.  And either way, whether or not you put your foot down at a certain time isn't going to matter in whether or not something bad happens.  It can FEEL like thats true, but that doesn't mean it IS true.  Just because you have an idea in your head doesn't mean its true.  I can have the idea in my head that I can fly.  Does that mean I should go jump off a tall building?  Of course not.  I can have the idea in my head that I'm a billionaire.  Does that mean my bank account is suddenly going to be overflowing with money?  Of course not.  The same is true for the idea in YOUR head that doing/not doing certain things will cause something really bad to happen.  No matter how strongly you feel it that doesn't mean it is true or will happen.  Feelings don't define reality.

Heres an example.  Imagine you are walking in the woods, you hear a noise in the bushes.  The thought pops in to your head, "OMG its a bear!".  You feel anxiety, you feel panic, you feel fear.  Then, a rabbit hops out of the bushes across the path and on its way.  There was no bear.  You were never in any danger. All the things you felt were real emotions.  The thought you had was a real thought.  But that didn't mean you WERE in danger, it didn't mean there WAS a bear.  Reality doesn't change merely because we have a thought.  

Meanwhile, something really bad is ALREADY happening to you, you are being trapped in a life of suffering by OCD.  By following its rules you are creating a terrible outcome already.  You've become worried about some future bad situation, but lost sight of the fact that you are currently in one.  Doesn't it make more sense to try and change that current bad situation, than worry so much about the hypothetical but unproven future one?  That doesn't make much sense does it.  Better to tackle the current problem, even though it will be hard and painful at times, than to continue allowing it to make your life worse now.  You can overcome this, it doesn't take special skill or talent, just the right choices, patience and persistence.  And if you need help, well thats ok too, its out there, and this forum can help you find it.  time to stop living by OCD's rules and get back control.  

I know you're right, I compare it to being a drug addict, where the recovery of no drugs often feels much worse than actually taking drugs, but of course long term no drugs is better than being on drugs.

The problem is I've come into this at the deep end by accident, rather than voluntary and in manageable steps like I've been taught in CBT sessions, the emotions are just to overwhelming the symptoms of depression and wanting to cry are the worst to handle right now as I feel so alone, I know I got online support and my Dad partially understands my condition but nobody in person who truly understands 

[dksea]

On 29/05/2020 at 20:07, MarkOVDVersion said:

I know you're right, I compare it to being a drug addict, where the recovery of no drugs often feels much worse than actually taking drugs, but of course long term no drugs is better than being on drugs.

The problem is I've come into this at the deep end by accident, rather than voluntary and in manageable steps like I've been taught in CBT sessions, the emotions are just to overwhelming the symptoms of depression and wanting to cry are the worst to handle right now as I feel so alone, I know I got online support and my Dad partially understands my condition but nobody in person who truly understands 

Absolutely understandable. Challenging the OCD doesn’t mean never giving in and doing a compulsion again (though if you could do that, congratulations  ). Instead the goal should be gradual improvement and, when you do find you just can’t resist anymore, to try and be as aware and conscious about what’s happening as possible, to start reframing these incidents in your mind so you can separate the reality from the emotions. If you can go from “I’m panicking because I’m afraid something bad will happen for doing X, Y or Z” to “I’m panicking because I have OCD, which causes me to feel anxious about thoughts like something bad will happen” you are making progress. Hang in there. 

[Chirpy]

Polar Bear. I have been looking on site for ac

On 28/05/2020 at 23:23, PolarBear said:

Trigger warnings are not appreciated on this forum. Anything can be a trigger.

You have magical thinking. It's all nonsense. What you should do is reslize the compulsions you did after you got the thought and work to put a stop to them in the future. That's your problem, not some silly thought.

Polar bear. I have been on this site a number of times now and when I read your replies there doesn’t seem much empathy in them. Have you suffered with OCD because from some of you relies like the one above you are not helpful. You may have recovered from the illness but there are ways of telling people how to help themselves with out belittling them. A lot of people find it very hard to confront their demons. Please be a bit more sympathetic in you replies and not so blunt and hard hearted

[Chirpy]

Hi there Mark . I have the same sort of OCD that you have. Magical thinking and so on. It is hard to deal with especially as we think things in the future are going happen to us , so there is know immediate relief when it doesn’t happen. How ever these are only ocd thoughts and as we both know having any sort of thought ocd or not can not make any thing happen to us. You have to recognise that and say to yourself “ok another ocd thought I will let it pass and get on with what I really want to do. None of our thoughts can cause anything to happen to us. Believe me I have had this sort of ocd for many year from when I was 20 until now 58. I have had bad times with it but also periods where I have been completely free and I can truly say in all that time none of my thoughts have come true. It is just your ocd mind doing this to you. I hope thi has helped a bit