How do I get passed this?

[jennielouises]

The issue is I don’t really know what I’m afraid of. I don’t know what the thoughts behind my ocd are. I’m not afraid of getting ill or a loved one coming to harm. The only reason I have an issue with germs is if I’m ill, it will make me uncomfortable and my house dirty. I just can’t stand being uncomfortable or dirty. I’ve read break free from ocd but the behavioural experiments don’t help me work this out. 

One example is going to the shops and trying clothes on. The experiment would be to come home and not feel like I have to scrub from head to toe. Breaking free from ocd then tells you to look at the specific predictions and how much you believe it. But mine are that I will be unclean and the dirt will spread all over my house and be everywhere. Which I just can’t tolerate. Not that something will happen to me or someone. I believe this nearly 100% so I can’t really question it. 

Another example is cleaning the toilet and not wanting to scrub from head to toe. My prediction is that the toilet water could have splashed on me and I would then touch that part of me and spread it round my house. I won’t be able to control my environment and everything will be as unclean as public spaces. But again I believe that nearly 100%. 

I know about theory a and b, and black and white thinking but I just can’t tolerate not knowing for sure that I’m clean. I guess maybe that’s the thought? 

I also know that to get better I need to challenge my thoughts but I truly believe in them and the only thought is I can’t be dirty. Therapists have worked with me in the past to challenge my behaviours and I’ve done some but challenging them means making myself uncomfortable and unclean on purpose and I just can’t do that. My ocd mostly manifests itself with avoiding situations that will make me uncomfortable so it’s hard to do it on purpose. I’m not sure what to do to be honest. 

 

None of this is specific to Covid19 by the way. I felt like that before and realise I don’t actually feel any worse since covid19 as I felt bad anyway! Just right now I have an excuse not to leave the house and I feel so happy and clean!

[PolarBear]

Sorry to tell you, but if you want to get over this, you will have to get uncomfortable, likely for an extended period of time. There is certainly cognitive work to be done and you can wean yourself from scrubbing after triggers, but ultimately you will have to get used to the idea that you are not 100% clean.

[dksea]

9 hours ago, jennielouises said:

One example is going to the shops and trying clothes on. The experiment would be to come home and not feel like I have to scrub from head to toe. Breaking free from ocd then tells you to look at the specific predictions and how much you believe it. But mine are that I will be unclean and the dirt will spread all over my house and be everywhere. Which I just can’t tolerate.

A couple of things here.  

First, the experiment would be to come home and not scrub from head to toe even though you feel like you need to.  You still can and almost certainly will FEEL that need, if you didn't you wouldn't have a problem.  Overcoming OCD involves making the choice not to take a wrong action even though you feel, likely strongly, the need to do so.  If you want to break free you have to resist the urge to clean excessively, to choose not to take action inspire of the feeling you need to.  If you do that, in time the urge will fade.

Second, you'd be surprised what you can actually tolerate, but aside from that if you want to overcome OCD you will HAVE to tolerate the idea that you might spread germs or dirt.  The simple reality is you will NEVER be 100% clean, its just not possible.  Further, you don't HAVE to be.  Billions of people live their lives and go about their days without engaging in that same level of cleanliness.  Now, that doesn't mean you have to (or should) NEVER clean yourself or where you live, there is benefit in some levels of cleaning, but excessive cleaning like you feel like you must do does not actually gain you anything, but costs you greatly in terms of anxiety and loss of freedom.

Think of it this way, lets say I offered you the following options.

1. For $100 a week I can clean your house and make it 99% germ free.
2. For $10,000 a week I can clean your house and make it 99.9% germ free.
3. For $1,000,000 a week I can clean your house and make it 99.99% germ free.

Option 1 seems fairly reasonable, its not super cheap but its a pretty good level of cleaning for a reasonable amount of money.  With a decent job you could afford that cost.
Option 2 seems quite unreasonable, you'd have to be very wealthy to afford that and you are gaining a fractional improvement for it.
Option 3 is utterly ludicrous.  For an exorbitant amount you are gaining a minuscule return value.

OCD is option 3, an exorbitant demand on your mental and physical well being in exchange for an infinitesimal return on value.  Astronomical cost for microscopic gain.  OCD is lying to you by making you believe that gain is necessary (let alone worth it).  You are suffering right now far worse than if you didn't clean the way you are from the psychological cost of following OCD's rules.  Yes, challenging those rules might be painful at first, but the long term cost will be far far FAR lower than if you continue down this path.  Not only can you tolerate everything not being completely clean, if you want to get back control of your life, and make it one that is rewarding and enjoyable, you MUST tolerate it.  As painful as it will be at first, the return on investment will be well worth it.  Trust those of us who have gone down the path of recovery.  Breaking Free from the OCD is worth it.  Staying stuck isn't.

[jennielouises]

Thank you. Both really helpful. I know I need to do it but it’s like there is a brick wall stopping me. I thought if I could work out exactly why I don’t feel like I can tolerate being unclean or germs being in my house then I could get passed that brick wall. If I could work out why I feel the outside world is so dangerous and an unclean place and why I think washing would help me. I know it’s linked to my emotions but the last therapist told me I just need to put my big girl pants on and get on with it. In some ways it’s like my security blanket even though it causes me distress in other ways 

[dksea]

19 hours ago, jennielouises said:

Thank you. Both really helpful. I know I need to do it but it’s like there is a brick wall stopping me. I thought if I could work out exactly why I don’t feel like I can tolerate being unclean or germs being in my house then I could get passed that brick wall. If I could work out why I feel the outside world is so dangerous and an unclean place and why I think washing would help me. I know it’s linked to my emotions but the last therapist told me I just need to put my big girl pants on and get on with it. In some ways it’s like my security blanket even though it causes me distress in other ways 

It’s totally understandable to feel like that kind of approach will solve your problem, after all it’s how we solve many problems in our lives, we analyze them, look for the source, and deal with it. Unfortunately when you have OCD that same approach doesn’t work because OCD changes how our brains handle some thoughts.  Normally you can analyze a problem and your brain flips a switch once it finds the answer so you can move on. With OCD you do that same analysis and your brain tries to flip that switch but the single doesn’t get there, OCD has, in a way, cut the circuit. It’s like trying to load a website when your internet connection is down.  The website still exists, you are typing in the right address, but the connection has been broken.

To overcome OCD we have to accept that at least part of the time, our normal approach just doesn’t work. We have to take an alternate route, and it takes some time and effort to learn that alternate route. Eventually it can become automatic too, or close to it, giving us freedom from OCD, but until that point things are harder for us than non-OCD people.  Does it suck? Absolutely.  Is there another option? Unfortunately not really. 
 

Your therapist is right, overcoming OCD is mostly just taking on the hard tasks and doing the work. You don’t have to do it all at once, it’s better to make a plan, break it down in to smaller steps and make gradual forward progress, but it is necessary to put up with discomfort along the way. It’s no different from getting in physical shape. At first the exercise is really hard, overtime it becomes easier and you can increase the difficulty. Eventually, if you keep at it, you can go from not being able to jog even a kilometer, but being able to complete a marathon. With OCD, you go from being able to withstand the bad thoughts for maybe a few minutes at first, to being able to dismiss them with relative ease.  
it’s hard, but it’s worth it, and trust me, none of us expect you to be able to do it quickly   

 

[Lollipop]

20 minutes ago, dksea said:

It’s totally understandable to feel like that kind of approach will solve your problem, after all it’s how we solve many problems in our lives, we analyze them, look for the source, and deal with it. Unfortunately when you have OCD that same approach doesn’t work because OCD changes how our brains handle some thoughts.  Normally you can analyze a problem and your brain flips a switch once it finds the answer so you can move on. With OCD you do that same analysis and your brain tries to flip that switch but the single doesn’t get there, OCD has, in a way, cut the circuit. It’s like trying to load a website when your internet connection is down.  The website still exists, you are typing in the right address, but the connection has been broken.

This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you