Religious OCD making me suicidal

[Cub]

Hi everyone

I hope you're okay today. I'm not doing too good - I thought I was improving and could feel an OCD shift as I was staying away from the things that upset me. But my family and I went on a picnic today and I was struggling this morning and then I twisted my ankle on the way back.

I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm struggling so much and when my family have gathered around to help, I just feel like I deserve to die. My best friend has said she can see the impact of my OCD on my self-esteem. I'm scared of losing her, the more and more I sink into my problems; I'm trying to be there for other people but I just don't feel like I deserve anybody's love or kindness and that I should just die. I keep thinking about hanging myself or jumping out of the window and just ending it.

I'm frightened. I'm frightened of being brainwashed into a rigid Christian. I've not been able to relax for weeks. I keep finding all these fundamentalist views on the Internet, and I've found out so much more and now every time I try to do something, my brain just says, 'No, you can't do that, these people aren't doing that' or even 'the Bible says...' I don't even read the Bible cover to cover. I can't enjoy anything anymore because all these fundamentalist views have me thinking I should be doing better and trying harder, but I'm tired and so exhausted. And every time I try and give in and just be, my brain says, 'No, try harder. These people try hard and look at how well they're doing. You should try harder too. You should resist temptation.' I can't read or watch any of the things that bring me pleasure anymore, because it's 'sexual' or it's a 'temptation' or it's 'wrong.' 

I'm tired. I'm so tired and don't know what's happened to me. I know it's at least partly OCD but I'm TIRED. I can't relax anymore and I'm tired of myself and of religion and everything. I just want a break but feel like I should be an obedient and better Christian. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to hold on for the sake of my family and I thought I was doing better but I feel like I'm nineteen again, struggling with this thing. I'd come so far and had become so relaxed but now I just want to die.

I'm sorry. I've been like this for months. I don't like or even understand what's happened to me. How did I get like this? I just want to die.

C x

[Blossom750]

Hi cub,

I'm sorry your feeling like this , but please don't give up , keep fighting , your strong. Suicide means leaving loved ones behind that will miss you , and everyone here also loves you and cares about you , please keep going. We will beat OCD together. I really hope you find a light through all this and come out the other side stronger, but please don't give in , you have my sympathy and love

[pinklemonade]

Hi cub. Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Keep fighting and keep going! You can beat ocd, you've got this! 

Edited May 30, 2020 by pinklemonade1237

[pinklemonade]

Just now, pinklemonade1237 said:

Hi cub. Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Keep fighting and keep going! You can beat ocd, you've got this! 

 

[dksea]

54 minutes ago, Cub said:

I keep finding all these fundamentalist views on the Internet,

You know this is a compulsive behavior, it’s not going to help. 
OCD is lying to you when it says you MUST live by these rules or that they MUST matter. 
Aside from the fact that there is a HUGE variety of interpretation in the Bible, you don’t even HAVE to live by the Bible unless YOU choose to do so. 
If you want to overcome OCD, you need need need to start making the right choices and engaging in the right behaviors. And I’m not talking about Biblical rules here, I’m talking about CBT rules.  
You are stuck Cub, you’ve been stuck for a long time. You need to start rethinking how you are approaching this problem. You need to put together a plan for recovery (preferably with the help of a qualified mental health professional) and follow that plan. 
I fear you are just going around in circles and not really taking in the advice you are getting. I know you are suffering, and I know this is hard, but it’s time to start making some changes in how you approach this. You CAN overcome this but it requires a different approach. 
More than anything though you NEED to work on the compulsions. They are not helping.

[Cub]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. 

I know, DKSea. I'm sorry. I am trying, I promise. I know you'll think I'm mad because I have OCD but I keep wondering 'Is God trying to tell me something? Does God want me to visit these websites?' It's made it hard to recover. It makes me fearful of being brainwashed but staying away is better.

Thankyou again. 

C x 

[dksea]

21 hours ago, Cub said:

I keep wondering 'Is God trying to tell me something? Does God want me to visit these websites?' It's made it hard to recover.

Trust me, I understand, OCD sucks as all in that way. If it were easy none of us would be here. I don’t expect you to change completely overnight either, it’ll be a gradual process. But it’s also important that you take it on, that you set up positive behaviors to replace these destructive ones. That you have a plan and steps to follow so it’s harder to fall back in to these patterns. It’s necessary and important to want to change of course, which I’m sure you do, but you are far more likely to be successful with a plan than just randomly trying to get better. 
Think of it this way, who is more likely to get in shape, someone who creates an excercise routine and follows it everyday (including rest days) or someone who just decides to “try and get in shape”. 
If things aren’t working the way you are going about it now it’s important to consider why and what you can change in your approach. A therapist can help with that, books can help with that, but you have to do the work. 

[malina]

Stay strong Cub!! This isn't easy but you are on the right track, you just have to keep pushing forward. I'm sending you all the good vibes, you can do this!! 

[Cub]

You're all very kind. Thankyou everyone. 

For me right now, it's the depression. I keep thinking 'Maybe God wants me to be depressed as part of this, maybe this is part of my needing to try harder because I'm depriving myself and that's what God wants.' I know, I sound mad, but suicidal thoughts are just 'there' and it hurts to think that I might not have anything left to give. It's frightening. I don't know how to think in healthy terms anymore because I feel I deserve to punish myself and I don't deserve to be happy.

Thankyou once again, all. 

C x

[malina]

Just take your time and be gentle on yourself. I promise that you will feel happy again. When my relapse started a year and a half ago, I felt the same as you. I couldn't imagine not feeling terrified or being miserable. It felt as if the old me was gone and would never return, yet I came back and life isn't as scary or dark anymore. You're a lovely person Cub and you have so much left to give, but things may feel rubbish for a while. Just remember that it's temporary and that you will be happy again, maybe even stronger and happier than you were before. 

[Chirpy]

Cub

I keep fighting. OCD is a horrible illness but you can get better from it and the thoughts do become less. I think we all have been where you are today. At my lowest I felt like not going on but I then thought about my family and took it one hour at a time, you will come through this believe me. It will not happen over night but each day will get better and better. We are all here for you.Xxx

[dksea]

23 hours ago, Cub said:

I don't know how to think in healthy terms anymore because I feel I deserve to punish myself and I don't deserve to be happy.

Of course you deserve to be happy! You are a victim of OCD, and while I can’t claim to speak for God (or whatever higher powers, if any, are above us), I can’t imagine that a loving God (et al) wouldn’t want you to be happy either. 
It is clear you are a caring person, you have a good heart. Like all of us I’m sure you’ve made mistakes in life, but that is by no means reason why you wouldn’t deserve happiness. 
 

Dealing with mental illness is hard, you deserve support and you deserve to improve. I worry about you and that you have gotten stuck in some ways because I see you ending up in the same place over and over. None of us want that for you, we want you to break free from OCD (to borrow a phrase). I really think it would help you to work with someone and come up with a plan, to have concrete steps you can take, to set goals and have some structure to your recovery. But you have to help yourself do that too. Not all at once, and not alone. And please try to love yourself too, you are worth it

[Cub]

Thankyou everybody for your support

So, bit of an update: I was struggling as usual today and ended up breaking down to my stepbrother and his girlfriend, babbling that we should probably go to A&E because I wanted to kill myself - I was hearing voices and thought that God was speaking to me, telling me things I didn't want to know/hear and got into a complete state. They sat me down, comforted me greatly and then took me for a drive. 

Since this afternoon, things feel a bit better - or am I being silly? It helped to talk to these guys - my stepbrother revealed he'd been in a similar place in the past and they were both sympathetic and kind. It also helped to talk to someone my own age as it can be difficult and embarrassing to explain my specific issues to my dad and stepmum. 

Since then, I've been having a think and realised that I have well and truly been engaging in rituals of my own making - fixating on one specific issue but also by visiting parts of the Internet I know will upset me and that I don't even want to visit but just trigger me further; just going on them to 'test and check' my reaction, or try and understand. Seeking comfort in other corners of the internet in more progressive forms. That just feels a lot like a ritual, all things considered. I opened up to my dad and stepmum this evening and told them my progress. I've just been feeling so trapped lately and like there's nothing in my future to look forward to. I've been attaching importance to a few specific things and ruminating a lot - I've not felt able to just let the thoughts be there but I'm doing better now. It's like a mental ritual I've not been able to help. 

How doee this sound to everyone else? A mental ritual, maybe, or me just going mad? I've felt like I'm going mad - like I'm a teenager all over again with this thing. I'm not sure how to let go. It's been a difficult couple of months. 

Thanks again for the help, guys. 

C x

[Hdigtts]

I’m sorry that you have been struggling so badly but well done for opening up to people. I’m glad that as a result you are feeling better, even if that is only a tiny bit better, it is still progress!

[dksea]

4 hours ago, Cub said:

Since then, I've been having a think and realised that I have well and truly been engaging in rituals of my own making - fixating on one specific issue but also by visiting parts of the Internet I know will upset me and that I don't even want to visit but just trigger me further; just going on them to 'test and check' my reaction, or try and understand. Seeking comfort in other corners of the internet in more progressive forms. That just feels a lot like a ritual, all things considered.

Sounds like some good insight, and a very important step.  Now that you've recognized this problematic behavior, try and think of ways you can avoid it/change it in the future.  Try to be aware of it when's its happening and see if you can catch yourself.  And remember, you won't change overnight, its hard to break out of these cycles, don't expect perfection, just improvement.
 

4 hours ago, Cub said:

I've just been feeling so trapped lately and like there's nothing in my future to look forward to.

Its understandable to feel that way, especially given the situation in the world right now.  It can be hard to see how things can be different when you are stuck in the middle of the dark forest of OCD.  Every where you look seems to be just as dark and scary as where you are now, how can it possibly change?  But the forrest doesn't go on forever, if you keep moving in the right direction, eventually you'll find that things start to get brighter and the trees start to thin out before, someday you're outside the forest.  There is definitely hope and definitely a future to look forward to.

[Cub]

Hi guys

Thankyou for the advice, you've all be kind despite my hysterics. I feel as though I've done this to myself, in a way - I guess I'm a curious creature and I always want to know more about the world. But this time, I feel I've stumbled down a dark path with the online stuff and it makes me feel terrible. I'm just trying to stay offline as often as possible now and it's so hard because I used to have a terrific online presence and find a lot of good stuff and enjoyment online. I feel supremely anxious all the time and it just hurts, you know? 

My biggest fear here is that I will end up brainwashed and I'll stumble into some sort of cult. It's got to the point where I cannot be on my own right now and I find that so frustrating; I'm scared that, alone, I'll get myself mixed up in things I don't want to get mixed up in and I find that terrifying. My nieces came over today after a three month separation and I found it hard to be fully mentally present, though I employed some mindfulness techniques which helped a little. I'm just feeling really scared and feel like I'm letting myself down; I have all these horrible things going through my head and keep thinking worst-case scenario; that my curiousity - and the urge to visit one specific website on a daily basis that has been the source of all the upset, as if I don't will physically hurt me - will lead me changing, joining a cult and losing all my friends. I guess I've not had any distractions recently in the form of normal stuff and that's a difficult thing. But things are just difficult generally and the truth of it is, I'm frightened. My dad keeps suggesting anti-depressants (apparently my brother is also on them now) but I'm wary. I am going to re-register with the home-doctor tomorrow. 

I'm sorry to sound so strange. I've been finding things really hard and I know there are far worse things going on out there right now than me and my silly little problems. My sister-in-law told me today not to hurt myself - she told me my nieces needed me. I guess my dad must have told her about my suicidal thoughts. It meant a lot to hear that and of course I wouldn't want to hurt my family but I'm scared to carry on - what if I do lose all my friends? What if I do get into something stupid? It frightens me; I don't want to be frightened but I am and I just wish I knew better and could be mentally stronger. I know I have OCD as well, but I just wish I didn't feel like this. My dad's going away with my stepmum in a couple of weeks to see his brother and while I know it sounds stupidly needy and I'll have my stepbrother and his girlfriend here, I'm scared to be without them, even if it's just for a couple of nights. I know how wussy that sounds. 

Thankyou again for the messages and words of love. Let's keep trying. 

C x