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Hello everyone,

I hope you are all doing okay.

As you can see I'm back. I'm sorry if this is becoming annoying but you are my only help at the moment. 

I have recently decided to work with a different therapist; I really liked the previous therapist but I don't think that we were doing the appropriate work as there was no major/important positive outcome during 7 months. I hope this decision was a good one, but we shall see soon. Today I had my introductory session with my new therapist. The conversation went very well, but there was a moment when I asked her if she has ever met people that doubt the fact that they want to recover - this being one of the many things/thoughts/beliefs I'm currently struggling with - and her answer, which wasn't too clear, made me doubt loads that what I'm dealing with is not OCD, but paedophilia and incest. I might be wrong, and I hope I am, but she didn't say she has indeed worked with people with similar thoughts, which now scares me to go through therapy as it feels that I would be a waste. I apologise if I'm exaggerating this but I don't know how to interpret this information.

Now to the gross part (I apologise beforehand for any discomfort this might cause you):
My body reactions/sensations, that can come together with thoughts or just by the themselves, have had a greater intensity for the past week. They are so strong that it feels that I'm seconds away from hurting my brother. I also get a weird sensation similar to tingling when my thoughts play in my brain. Just earlier my brother was hugging me and touching my arm; him being so close to me triggered an immense urge to hurt him, it even felt like the right thing to do. For some reason I moved on much, much quicker than the other times. But now I'm back at ruminating as I think this is a red flag. I'm really scared to be alone with my brother. I don't trust myself. And sometimes I feel like I DO want to harm him, or any other child. This happens all day long, from the moment when I wake up to when I go to bed. It always goes like this: Do I want to hurt my brother or not? If I did hurt him, would I enjoy it or not? Do I feel like I want to harm him now or not? I never get a clear answer such as: No, I don't wat to hurt my brother. It's always foggy. 

My brother is growing up so fast and you can see that every day. He's really cute and sweet, but there are moments when I look at him and I can't tell if I'm thinking this because this is just normal sibling love or because I'm attracted to him. Sometimes when I look at my brother I even get an increased amount of saliva in my mouth, which I think it's disgusting as it's almost a sign of attraction; I don't know why this happens but it does, and it's weird and I want it to stop. I'm confused and I can now say that there is nothing left from the normal relation I once used to have with my brother.  No more of the caring sister. Just a perverted deviant. I want to leave this house so I don't have to see my brother every day and hurt him just by looking at him but unfortunately I can't at the moment, and this is killing me.

I'm really, really sick of all this. I had a moment today when I was ready to attempt suicide as it felt as the only way but I can't do it. Not now at least. It would cause major problems. But I can't do this anymore. I can't deal with these terrifying urges anymore. I don't know what all this is but I want it to end. As soon as possible. I'm really tired of being a monster. I am a monster...

Thank you so much for reading this!

 

 

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You are not a monster. 
 

I really do think you are struggling to get out of a bit of a downward spiral currently. It is clear how much these thoughts cause you distress which proves that you do not actually want to hurt your brother. 
 

Try to not place too much importance on these thoughts. They are just thoughts. The importance you are placing on these thoughts is making your body react in the way it is. 
Take it a day at a time, you can do it! 

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Cora,

I'm so sorry that you are having such a horrible time. I think that a lot of people with OCD have thought of dying or hurting themselves because this disorder can be incredibly hard to live with, but please remember that you are a wonderful person, you have so much to give and you can get better. You may not believe this right now, but I'm 100% certain of it. If you have moments like these, there are lots of places you can reach out like Samaritans, this forum and of course your therapist. Stay strong, we are rooting for you and you will overcome this!! /

It sounds like a good step changing your therapist. Keep in mind that, even if one of her patients has not expressed the concern that they do not want to get better, doesn't mean that your problem isn't just another intrusive thought. Sometimes our thoughts or worries are pretty specific and don't match up to other people's thoughts, yet that doesn't just throw OCD out of the window. I would say this fear you're having sounds pretty standard OCD. Remember, OCD is a doubting disorder - it makes you doubt things, yourself, your beliefs, your intentions. In this case, it's making you doubt whether you want to get better, there is nothing unusual about that when you consider the nature of the disorder.

The thing about your brother - avoiding being with him is another compulsion. The more you avoid contact with him, the more you will have these thoughts. I don't know if you have been introduced to ERP at all. Maybe that is something to ask your therapist about as well.

Stay strong Cora :hug:

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@malina and @Hdigtts, you have no idea how thankful I am for your support and help. You are so amazing and kind. Thank you so much!

I'm really sorry, I know I sound quite desperate in the last post, and also like I play the victim. But I really am struggling. I know there are people who are suffering way more than I do, especially with everything that is going on at the moment, but I can't help or nor change how and what I feel.
I completely understand what you are saying, and it makes me feel better and safer knowing there are people who don't hate me even when I shared some of the most disgusting things. I do hope you don't hate me. I appreciate your words but I can't see how I am not a monster. I keep having really strong urges and sensations, especially related to my brother; sometimes no hug or kiss is necessary though for the urges and sensation to overwhelm me, it's enough just to think about him. And when they (urges) happen it's like I have to go and act on them. It's pretty messed up. Just like my brain. I just hope I never end up hurting him more than I already did. But say I go on with my life, how do I know I won't hurt my children if I ever decide I want a family (which at the moment I surely don't). How do I know I won't abuse them? How do I know when I have these powerful urges and sensations just by thinking of my future children?! I already hurt my children.

I'm sorry for sounding so dramatic, I know I do, but these are my current thoughts and feelings. 

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I think that you know you won’t hurt them. The distress this is causing you is apparent. You need to take that leap of faith and believe that this is OCD. Once you accept that you will start to feel better in yourself as you know it isn’t you :)

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Hey Cora,

I think I told you about my problems before, the content is a bit different to yours, mine are about hurting myself. However, the feeling you describe and the urge, it's exactly what I feel. I'm at the stage of my life where I'm thinking about starting a family of my own and it is really scary, because I have the same worries as you. What if I have a baby and I develop thoughts about hurting my child? I keep thinking about how much I want to have children, yet how I'm really afraid. I obviously haven't overcome this yet myself but you're not alone with these fears. I think for myself I can apply the knowledge that I've had urges to hurt myself and other people throughout my life and I've never done it so there is no reason that I would harm my child.

You're still young and you have time to start a family. So you can focus now and getting better and learning to manage your reaction to these thoughts. By the time you decide to have children you'll hopefully have the skills to manage the thoughts if they come up and not let them upset you so much. By then, you will also have a history of dealing with these thoughts and knowing that you have experienced them and never hurt anyone.

I've seen some mums posting about this type of stuff and it sounds very stressful but none of them have been hurting their children. 

Also, you're not being dramatic and you're certainly not a monster. You are dealing with a mental illness, there is no shame in talking about how you feel and asking for help!

Edited by malina
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Thank you so much for your continuous kind help and support, @malina and @Hdigtts! I'm really grateful for all the kind words and advice! 

@malina, I know I'm probably not the right person to be saying this, but I'm more than sure that you will be an amazing mother! 

Thank you again for all your help! 

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I have decided that I should probably move on. Even if it's very hard to do so. I doubt it's gonna happen but I guess I should give it a go.
But before I do move on I would like to ask a few questions. I know I have mentioned them before but it feels like I need some (more) reassurance before I accept that this might be OCD. I'm sorry for repeating myself so many times and for being selfish but asking these questions seems like a very significant thing for me to do at the moment.

So... I know I have talked about urges a hundred of times but I would like to know:
Can urges be so strong that it almost feels like you would enjoy acting on them or your thoughts, or that you want to act on them? In my head, when this happens it doesn't seem that it is OCD because the urges are so STRONG and OVERWHELMING which convinces me, almost every single time, that they are actually part of my personality, and hence part of my sexual interests and desires.

Can urges happen even when you are calm and keeping yourself busy? For example, yesterday I was trying to (finally) do some university work as I'm behind with everything, but as I was trying to focus on my work something didn't feel right; and then I got a sudden urge to go and hurt my brother. The urge obviously came with feelings and emotions, including that I would like acting on it, or that I wouldn't mind it. (The feelings persist even now while I'm typing this out - it's just killing me!) The conclusion I came up to after I calmed down a bit was that it doesn't feel normal to me anymore to do normal daily activities; apparently thinking about hurting my brother is what I would prefer to do instead. How is that even possible?! I really hope that is only happening because I have spent the last year or so ruminating, analysing and worrying most of my days, and therefore not spending too much time on studies and other important things in my life. I really hope this is the explanation and not that I am indeed a paedophile and/or a person that is into incest.

The last question is:

Can you or should you forgive yourself even if in your eyes you are a deviant, a monster, a terrible human being that should be locked up or die? I still feel terrible for kissing my brother in inappropriate circumstances, such as when having urges or (sexual) sensations in my body, and for feeling like not being able to control myself in those moments. I do sound like a monster when I say these words - can't control myself - and I'm more than ashamed for feeling like this. 
I feel suicidal most of the days, and whenever I hear people talking about molestation and child abuse I think about how I'm one of the people who do all these terrible things as I've hurt my brother so many times. I would like to bring this up with my therapist but I'm scared she'll conclude that I do need to be punished or kept away from children, which would be fair to be honest, but I'm mostly scared because that would destroy my family, especially my parents, brother, and boyfriend. I would be a completely different person in their eyes.  

I'm really sorry for venting for the n's time. I hope you are not too annoyed. And I hope the rest of your day goes well. 

 

 

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Always here to listen and help :)

I’ll have a go at answering the questions you have posed. 

The urges can definitely feel very strong. But I do genuinely feel this is because you are looking out for them and are so opposed to thinking and feeling it. The more you tell yourself not to think about a pink elephant the more that elephant is going to be there in your mind. 
 

Urges can happen at any stage. Like a few have said our thoughts are random and we have thousands and thousands of them, it’s just that we lock in to the ones which scare us and believe it means something about us. So we remember those thoughts as opposed to the thousands that we have had that do not scare us. 

I think bringing it up with a therapist may help you. Feeling suicidal most of the time isn’t the way you should be feeling :( 

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1 hour ago, Hdigtts said:

Always here to listen and help :)

I’ll have a go at answering the questions you have posed. 

The urges can definitely feel very strong. But I do genuinely feel this is because you are looking out for them and are so opposed to thinking and feeling it. The more you tell yourself not to think about a pink elephant the more that elephant is going to be there in your mind. 
 

Urges can happen at any stage. Like a few have said our thoughts are random and we have thousands and thousands of them, it’s just that we lock in to the ones which scare us and believe it means something about us. So we remember those thoughts as opposed to the thousands that we have had that do not scare us. 

I think bringing it up with a therapist may help you. Feeling suicidal most of the time isn’t the way you should be feeling :( 

Thank you, @Hdigtts
I will try and bring it up with my therapist. It's quite scary as there is a great chance that I might find out I'm a terrible human being, but, to be fair, it's better to know the truth than to live my life lying to myself and not knowing the real me. 

Thank you again for everything! 

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There is absolutely no requirement that an OCD therapist be well versed on every possible form of the disorder. That your current therapist is not familiar with sufferers doubting they have OCD is irrelevant. A therapist only needs to know how to recognize OCD at work before helping you.

The rest of your questions are you seeking reassurance, a compulsion. Trust that we know what we are talking about snd treat this as OCD.

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