Afraid i was or still am a racist

[Ironborn]

Hi all,

Due to all the stuff going on now i became scared that i might have been racist in the past or still am. let me elaborate. When i was younger me and a friend of mine would make jokes about people with darker skin, not like directly to them but just in general, we even called them names like some animals because of their colour, and although i did not consider myself a racist afterall because i had black friends, listened to a lot of music made by black people, even had a girlfriend who was asian and thus had a colour. but at times i would just say stupid stuff to sound funny or cool towards friends etc.

These days i don't do those things anymore i really watch my words as i know they can offend others. i still don't really see myself as a racist, because i don't feel superior to any other ‘’race’’ or skin colour, i don't mind working with people of other skin colour, and i would even invite them in my home or could enjoy spending time together.

But at some occasions i catch myself with an inner dialogue in certain situations where i seem to have prejudices about other ‘races’.

I feel attacked when a lot of people say that white people are racist, its as if they are attacking me personally, and in response to that i feel guilty because i think that i could only feel offended if i actually would be a racist.

I'm just really stuck in this thinking pattern and don't know what to do, i even find myself being extra nice now to people who have different skin colour to me because i feel i need to prove i'm not racist.

[malina]

Hey Ironborn,

I think that all of us have some prejudices, it is part of human nature and deeply embedded in our evolution. I'm sure that each of us has said or thought something racist or prejudicial at some point in our lives. If you find yourself having bad thoughts about another person or group of people because of their race/religion/sex/whatever, you should challenge that and try to think differently but there is no reason to dwell on it. So you were mistaken and now you can correct it and move on.

[Cub]

I've had very similar fears recently! I was triggered by some fundamentalist stuff online, and was terrified of becoming brainwashed and homophobic; to the point where I was doubling down on myself to make sure I wasn't homophobic, to prove to myself that this wasn't the case. It's a funny compulsion and says a lot about you; that you're a good person.

[Ironborn]

I just dont know how to move on from it. 

I keep feeling guilty and checking newsfeed online about this movement right now, and I just feel so bad for it. 

 

Especially the way I said things in the past, made jokes, and said bad things. But also for still upon this day have prejudices and feel attacked when racism is being discussed. I mean why would I feel attacked when it's being discussed? Because I'm racist maybe? 

I don't feel superior or anything like that towards people with other skin color. 

I just want to know how to get past this. 

[dksea]

6 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I just dont know how to move on from it. 

I keep feeling guilty and checking newsfeed online about this movement right now, and I just feel so bad for it. 

 

Especially the way I said things in the past, made jokes, and said bad things. But also for still upon this day have prejudices and feel attacked when racism is being discussed. I mean why would I feel attacked when it's being discussed? Because I'm racist maybe? 

I don't feel superior or anything like that towards people with other skin color. 

I just want to know how to get past this. 

This is an issue that’s going to be occupying a lot of people’s minds right now because of the events happening, so you shouldn’t feel bad or surprised that it might be on your mind too. 

Injustice, racism, bigotry, etc. are unfortunately ingrained in our societies in many ways, some obvious, some less obvious. That is going to affect the way we all view and interact with the world. 

It’s important to realize a couple of important points:

1. None of us are perfect

2. Not being perfect doesn’t mean you are a monster. 
 

You can’t change what you did in the past, but you can learn from it. You can (and should) grow, change, improve, etc. 

When it comes to racism there are a lot of things you can do to help make things better. Learning about problems that minorities face, learning about the history of marginalized groups, speaking up when you hear/see someone doing something harmful, raising money/donating to groups  that fight racism or help those affected by it, providing support for friends and family who are at risk from racism/bigotry, supporting artists, musicians, businesses, etc. that involve minorities and marginalized groups, etc. 

Also, you do not have to try and do everything, you do not have to solve racism by yourself. Each of us can contribute in different ways, find some that work for you. Try to improve yourself and make positive contributions in the world. 
 

Meanwhile, looking back and feeling regret for past behaviors is a good sign, it shows that you are willing to learn and improve. It shows you have compassion. It’s a natural part of living and maturing to experience regret over past mistakes. But it would be wrong to beat yourself up endlessly over it, to wallow in self pity and guilt, that doesn’t help anyone and is counterproductive. 

Learn from your past, try to be better in the future, 

[Ironborn]

16 hours ago, dksea said:

This is an issue that’s going to be occupying a lot of people’s minds right now because of the events happening, so you shouldn’t feel bad or surprised that it might be on your mind too. 

Injustice, racism, bigotry, etc. are unfortunately ingrained in our societies in many ways, some obvious, some less obvious. That is going to affect the way we all view and interact with the world. 

It’s important to realize a couple of important points:

1. None of us are perfect

2. Not being perfect doesn’t mean you are a monster. 
 

You can’t change what you did in the past, but you can learn from it. You can (and should) grow, change, improve, etc. 

When it comes to racism there are a lot of things you can do to help make things better. Learning about problems that minorities face, learning about the history of marginalized groups, speaking up when you hear/see someone doing something harmful, raising money/donating to groups  that fight racism or help those affected by it, providing support for friends and family who are at risk from racism/bigotry, supporting artists, musicians, businesses, etc. that involve minorities and marginalized groups, etc. 

Also, you do not have to try and do everything, you do not have to solve racism by yourself. Each of us can contribute in different ways, find some that work for you. Try to improve yourself and make positive contributions in the world. 
 

Meanwhile, looking back and feeling regret for past behaviors is a good sign, it shows that you are willing to learn and improve. It shows you have compassion. It’s a natural part of living and maturing to experience regret over past mistakes. But it would be wrong to beat yourself up endlessly over it, to wallow in self pity and guilt, that doesn’t help anyone and is counterproductive. 

Learn from your past, try to be better in the future, 

I cant stop but keep 'compulsively' compare how i feel to black people or white people, i find myself now constantly thinking, do i feel superior? do i care as much for a 'coloured' person as for a 'white' person?

I want to believe i do, as i stated before i have had some great friendships with coloured people, and never did i had the feeling during those friendships i was superior or anything like that.

But now i cant stop checking my feelings, and its driving me nuts.

I just so badly dont want to be a racist, that its actually making me feel as if i am a racist. Why would anyone be so obsessed not being something? maybe because deep down your are?

So confused right now.

[malina]

I would approach this the same way as I would approach anything in OCD. Maybe you just need to accept that you may be somewhat racist, that nobody is 100% non-racist and that you can't hold yourself to this standard. 

It's the same as any other thing in OCD, it is making you doubt yourself and you just have to accept that you may not be perfect. 

[Phili]

 

If you were racist, you wouldn’t be worried about it. It sounds to me that you have just had some culturally based bad habits. We pick up things from those around us and a lot of that for people over 30 are old fashioned points of view and language. Often even the person who passed them down didn’t know they were racist.

For example. My mum worked in a dress shop in the 60s and was very fond of the Jamaicans that were coming over because they were so friendly and nice. A large framed Jamaican woman lived in the same tower block and would help mum with my brothers pram when the lifts were broke. My mum always referred to her and other large framed black women as pickaninny momma’s, it was a term of endearment on her part and she had no idea that it came from a racist stereotype. 

I was also raised around people not liking Pakistanis, this was based on some experiences of those people. For instance in the same tower block, my mum said, they would defalcate in the hallway. Well, rather than realising that these people grew up in shanty towns and had no idea about how things worked in the U.K., and that they were used to digging holes to go to the toilet in, people just thought they were dirty and this point of view spread. I never went with that point of view even as a child and hated the shortened version of Pakistani, I manège to get my mum not to use the term because I didn’t like it and would lecture her about why, but there are still people with that point of view that caught it off of their parents and family.

I also grew up with other derogatory terms for Asians, Italians, Germans, French and so on, terms I never used and didn’t like but ones that people of my age group and older use without thinking about it being racist. A lot of the time people arn’t racist and just use these terms and jokes because the meaning has been lost and or they are so used to hearing them and saying them that they just don’t think. 

You arn’t racist, as I said, if you were then you wouldn’t be worrying about it but the fact that you are now challenging things that you said before as now not good enough shows how you have been impacted and how much you have grown as an individual, it’s a good thing but ruminating on it is not. We all have some prejudices, some are very valid, like cultures that think it’s OK to marry children  or have slaves or treat women as property instead of people or kill people for being gay, but even in that, hate won’t get anything done, it’s education that you need to change things, some prejudices are born out of fear, ignorance and bad experiences. And by all I don’t just mean white people, everyone can be prejudice. 

 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Phili

[PolarBear]

Whether you are or were racist or not is not the problem. The problem is that you have a new series of thoughts stuck in your head and you are ruminating about them all the time. That's OCD.

This is no different rhan a sufferer questioning if they are a pedophile or will infect domeone with Covid-19. 

This is OCD. You likely know that. So treat it as OCD. Figure out what your compulsions are and work hard to stop them. That includes ruminating but also all the Googling and researching about racism you have been doing.

[dksea]

On 05/06/2020 at 19:23, Ironborn said:

I cant stop but keep 'compulsively' compare how i feel to black people or white people, i find myself now constantly thinking, do i feel superior? do i care as much for a 'coloured' person as for a 'white' person?

You FEEL like you can’t stop, but you can. It will be difficult because of OCD, but it is possible. 
 

You will never be able to answer this question by ruminating on it. You’ll never be able to prove to yourself that you care equally, will never have a thought tinged by racism, etc. It’s an impossible standard to meet. No one can meet it, OCD or no OCD. 
All you can do is try your best within reason to do the right thing. Key words: WITHIN REASON,  it’s impossible to be perfectly good, to never have a stray bad thought, to perfectly react to everyone and every situation the same.  
 

As Polar Bear et. al. mention above you need to treat this as an OCD situation, not one where the fear is within reason. There are reasonable actions you can take at this time to learn about racism and how to change things, but you you shouldn’t go overboard, that won’t help you or anyone. 

[ThrowawayForObviousReasons]

Hello, 

I have a bit of a similar situation to Ironborn, as I have been incredibly concerned with issues of race relation in Canada and the U.S and my role in it as a white person over the past month or so.

I am worried that I am racist. This main concern manifests itself in a couple ways, like I will look at a black person and I will think something harmful or stereotypical about them, and I'm concerned that I only do this with certain black people and not all of them, meaning that I only accept black people if they dress or act "White". One of my main concerns is that I am afraid of black men who dress like rappers (I'm sorry i'm not sure the proper way to word it) and that I think they are intimidating. Sometimes when I see a black man's photo, post on the internet or when I see a black man walking down the street I think that I see them as intimidating or scary and that I get anxious around them. I'm not sure if that is an intrusive thought, because I think I've actually felt nervous or scared of a black man recently before the anxiety and (I think OCD related panic) kicked in, which makes me worried that this is an actual thought and feeling from me as a person and not an intrusive thought.  I'm worried that these are real actual nonintrustive thoughts that my OCD is then latching onto.

I recognize the stereotype of black men being intimidating or scary as something which unfortunately causes a great deal of harm to black men in america and Canada, and I'm worried that I'm upholding a culture of violence by thinking/feeling that way. So I engage in checking, online, going back to look at the man's profile or post over again to make me not afraid & not stereotype, and sometimes while doing this I've felt/thought the same thing that set off the checking, which makes me feel like its real and not an intrusive thought (Because it happens more than once). In person I regulate how much/ if I look at the black person because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or do a microagression against them.

To try and combat this stereotyping & implicit bias I have been following several anti-racist educators on social media and reading lots of articles to try and help me unlearn the racism and the bias which I have been exposed to by my Canadian culture. (Sometimes I will spend hours and hours doing this, taking up the whole day, or I will feel bad and avoid going on social media at all so I don't have to interact with and read these posts about fighting racism because sometimes they set off a lot of anxiety for me.) And I have learned a lot from these great women, but I also found while researching anti-racism that a lot of white people feel uncomfortable, anxious, and in crisis mode while learning about racism and how they uphold it by being complicit in structural racism. Part of this white response to learning about antiracism is becoming defensive, and sometimes when I read a post by one of these educators I worry that I am criticizing them in my mind for seeming too "angry" or "Radical", both of which are also really bad and feed into negative stereotypes about black women. 

I also find myself wanting to "Retreat into my privelege" (Another thing these educators have mentioned as a response to learning about your inaction upholding racism) and sometimes I wish that I was more politically conservative or that I didn't think about or care about racism, something I have always cared about and understood as wrong even though I am white. Sometimes just seeing a black person makes me anxious and makes me think all these thoughts, and when I'm taking a break from reading about anti-racism I will listen to a podcast with an all white cast to relax. I started listening to this podcast before all this, but I'm worried that I'm avoiding black people because they make me anxious and think about racism. I worry that me associating black folks with stress and anxiety is going to cause me to avoid black people or act cold or weird towards them. I even feel bad about being in the humanities (Sociology student) and I think about jobs/ careers I could have where me being racist could hurt the least amount of people, or changing my major to something else like science where inequality isn't the focus of my study. When I see a post talking about racist people I count myself as a racist person, which I really upsetting to me because in every other moral ocd bout I've had I have been denying the accusation my brain was making. (I do however acknowledge that every person in a western society has some internal racist bias towards People of Colour, because of the media and the way we've been raised)

All summed up, I've been obsessing over racism in a way that I wasn't two months ago, but I'm worried that this isn't OCD at all and that It's just the normal response of a white person realizing how complicit they've been all along, which includes anxiety and pushback and wanting to retreat and all what I've just described. And I've read articles and such on how there are some racist people who feel bad about it, so I don't think me feeling bad means that I may not hold these biases. https://www.theroot.com/help-im-a-racist-and-i-dont-want-to-be-1790897128 (Like this one, where the guy describes a very similar situation regarding his biases.)

The only things that I'm clinging to that make me think that this might be OCD and not completely racism is the fact that I don't ever remember being afraid of the (Admittedly very few) black students at my highschool, and that I have been thinking about racism from the moment I go to sleep, to when I wake up. I even have stress dreams about this, but I'm worried that I'm just playing victim because I don't want to admit I have these biases and that I want to be "Absolved" of guilt and think of myself as a good person, and that I'm placing wanting to be a good person over actually helping end racism and make the world safer for black people. I;m worried that I'm making this issue all about me and my feelings, and not properly recognizing the horrible oppression black people face. I'm concerned that instead of caring about real change I just want to stop thinking about it and ignore it so I feel less bad, which means that racism will still be happening but I just won't be doing anything about it. I feel bad about avoiding reading about antiracism for a day or so because racism is happening every day but I have the privilege to ignore it, even if right now it occupies so so much of my waking and sleeping thoughts. I try to talk to my parents about race even when they don't bring it up so that I'm at least trying to challenge racism in my life every day, but I don't know if its a compulsion or not.

I don't know where the white guilt+ fragility+ rage stops and where the OCD starts (I'm diagnosed). I haven't been this anxious about learning about race before, and I've even acknowledged some of these very concepts before when I learned about them in class without being this anxious, but I didn't feel this complicit and responsible then either. I also don't know for sure what my compulsion beyond the checking and the internal debate is, because I have both over consumed antiracist literature online and tried to completely avoid to try and reduce stress, so i don't even know what I would do for exposure therapy. 

Thank you for reading, and sorry for the long post.

 

[Lost in Thought]

Likewise I remember sharing some terrible jokes when I was a child/ teenager about Ethiopians to fit in with other kids. I told  the English man, Irish man, Scots man etc jokes that would play on stereotypes.  

I played at a cricket club where when we played a Muslim team some people would joke they all will be arriving driving taxis and about making meat sandwiches for the cricket tea. I spoke to a  person afterwards calling them out but wish I had called it out at the time and not been so timid. A lot of the clubs I played for were so overwhelming white which is quite remarkable in a multicultural city and we weren’t overtly racist but maybe it was an unconscious thing. 

Im glad and proud to now play for a club with people from lots of different ethnic backgrounds and if we weren’t we would probably have folded as a club. 
 

I like to think of myself as anti racist and I am disgusted by racism & xenophobia but I know I need to learn more and be more vocal to call things out