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You realise it’s over, when the one thing you want in life is impossible?

All my life I’ve only ever wanted two things, to write professionally and to have love and affection. Yet, I struggle to even write something down most days and love...my appearance, my physical weakness, my inability of self care my anxieties about my body, I’m no use to anyone. Plus, I seem to lack feelings of attraction. I look through lists of men just to see which ones I like and sure some are handsome but none of them are my type, am I just fussy? Even if they were, well those are celebs so...but even if they weren’t...I know this isn’t really OCD but I didn’t know where else to put it

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I feel the same way... I don't find myself particularly ugly or anything and yet I've never had a boyfriend. Sometimes I think I'll end up alone and will never find my other half. I keep telling myself and others that I like being alone, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. We must love ourselves no matter what. I'm sure there's things that you like about yourself, so try to focus on that. I also think that there's more to attractions than just looks. Sometimes we feel attracted to someone who's not particularly pretty (like those celebs), but their overall personality win us over. You just haven't found that person yet, but don't lose hope ?

Regarding writing, maybe just keep trying and inspiration will come ?

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There is nothing redeeming about me, I’m fat, I’m piggy faced and I had abnormal hair growth because of my ovaries and I don’t take care of myself because of my OCD. No one wants someone like that, no one...

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Unfortunately bad things happen in life, and as a result, sometimes our lives take a different path than we'd hoped.  Its completely understandable to feel bad about that, to be upset by it, to be angry about it.  Thats particularly true when the things that happen aren't a result of choices we make or risks we take but something beyond our control like OCD.

But while our lives may not take the course we originally hoped/wanted, they can still be rewarding and fulfilling.  We may not achieve the goals by the time we'd originally planed, but that doesn't mean we still can't achieve some of them, or find new goals.

Numerous people have achieved their goals in later life, including some highly significant ones.  

Stan Lee was 39 when, on the verge of quiting writing, he created the Fantastic Four, followed in later years by Spiderman, Thor, the X-men, etc.
Speaking of Marvel, actor Samuel L. Jackson didn't get a leading role until he was 46
Fellow actor Alan Rickman didn't land his first film role until 41.
Designer Vera Wang didn't enter the fashion industry until she was 40.
Charles Darwin was 50 when he published "On the origin of the species"
Julia Child published her first cookbook at the same age, 50.
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first book "Little House on the Prairie" when she was 65.
Ray Kroc, who turned McDonald's into one of the worlds biggest restaurant chains, didn't buy his first McD's until he was 59.
Fellow restaurateur Colonel Sanders didn't start Kentucky Fried Chicken until he was 51.
Famous painter Grandma Moses started painting when she was 78
And one of the UK's most famous names in recent years, Susan Boyle didn't get a shot at her dream until she was 47.

Now i'm not saying you'll become a world wide celebrity or anything, but you can still accomplish things later in life.  That includes relationships too.  People meet and fall in love at all ages.

OCD has robbed all of us of time and energy to follow our dreams and enjoy life.  That sucks.  Its not fair.  But we can't change the past.  We can change our futures, we can take steps to improve our lives by taking on OCD and that will free us to take on other challenges and pursue other goals.  Right now it sounds like you are working on the OCD part.  There is no shame in that, its a hard thing to live with and to overcome.  But it can be done, and you can spend time pursuing other goals too, in fact you should.  If you want to write, write, it doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to ever be anything more than you writing for the sake of enjoying writing.  As long as you are alive it not over.  Hang in there.

 

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2 hours ago, dksea said:

Unfortunately bad things happen in life, and as a result, sometimes our lives take a different path than we'd hoped.  Its completely understandable to feel bad about that, to be upset by it, to be angry about it.  Thats particularly true when the things that happen aren't a result of choices we make or risks we take but something beyond our control like OCD.

But while our lives may not take the course we originally hoped/wanted, they can still be rewarding and fulfilling.  We may not achieve the goals by the time we'd originally planed, but that doesn't mean we still can't achieve some of them, or find new goals.

Numerous people have achieved their goals in later life, including some highly significant ones.  

Stan Lee was 39 when, on the verge of quiting writing, he created the Fantastic Four, followed in later years by Spiderman, Thor, the X-men, etc.
Speaking of Marvel, actor Samuel L. Jackson didn't get a leading role until he was 46
Fellow actor Alan Rickman didn't land his first film role until 41.
Designer Vera Wang didn't enter the fashion industry until she was 40.
Charles Darwin was 50 when he published "On the origin of the species"
Julia Child published her first cookbook at the same age, 50.
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first book "Little House on the Prairie" when she was 65.
Ray Kroc, who turned McDonald's into one of the worlds biggest restaurant chains, didn't buy his first McD's until he was 59.
Fellow restaurateur Colonel Sanders didn't start Kentucky Fried Chicken until he was 51.
Famous painter Grandma Moses started painting when she was 78
And one of the UK's most famous names in recent years, Susan Boyle didn't get a shot at her dream until she was 47.

Now i'm not saying you'll become a world wide celebrity or anything, but you can still accomplish things later in life.  That includes relationships too.  People meet and fall in love at all ages.

OCD has robbed all of us of time and energy to follow our dreams and enjoy life.  That sucks.  Its not fair.  But we can't change the past.  We can change our futures, we can take steps to improve our lives by taking on OCD and that will free us to take on other challenges and pursue other goals.  Right now it sounds like you are working on the OCD part.  There is no shame in that, its a hard thing to live with and to overcome.  But it can be done, and you can spend time pursuing other goals too, in fact you should.  If you want to write, write, it doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to ever be anything more than you writing for the sake of enjoying writing.  As long as you are alive it not over.  Hang in there.

 

Thank you, this has really helped.

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Now for something completely new.  Do you agree with any of these?

Avoids occupational activities involving significant interpersonal contact, due to fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of acceptance

Shows restraint within intimate relationships due to fears of shame or ridicule

Preoccupied with fears of receiving criticism or rejection in social situations

Inhibited in new interpersonal situations due to feelings of inadequacy

Considers self as inferior to others, socially inept, or personally unappealing

Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

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Phili, to achieve many of these things you need to go back to thinking about some of the goals we talked about 6 years ago (would you believe!!)  I'm guessing you're still housebound.

You call yourself all sorts of names, fat, piggy-faced, ugly.....and you're not at all.  In the past you used to give awful descriptions of yourself and then you found the courage to post a photo and it's simply not true :)

So, goal one....your personal appearance.  Why's OCD stopping you taking care of yourself?  What are you avoiding & why?

As for not feeling attracted to anyone, that's not surprising.  Apart from a really dishy celeb like Pierce Bosnan, who might raise a brief Phooaaarr moment......attraction is built up with so many more things that a picture can't provide.  The way someone smiles, their humour, kindness  interests, abilities and the rest.  It's something that usually builds.

How are you doing with that diet?

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On 08/06/2020 at 21:13, Caramoole said:

Phili, to achieve many of these things you need to go back to thinking about some of the goals we talked about 6 years ago (would you believe!!)  I'm guessing you're still housebound.

You call yourself all sorts of names, fat, piggy-faced, ugly.....and you're not at all.  In the past you used to give awful descriptions of yourself and then you found the courage to post a photo and it's simply not true :)

So, goal one....your personal appearance.  Why's OCD stopping you taking care of yourself?  What are you avoiding & why?

As for not feeling attracted to anyone, that's not surprising.  Apart from a really dishy celeb like Pierce Bosnan, who might raise a brief Phooaaarr moment......attraction is built up with so many more things that a picture can't provide.  The way someone smiles, their humour, kindness  interests, abilities and the rest.  It's something that usually builds.

How are you doing with that diet?

I’m still bed bound...actually I haven’t improved much at all. I can’t even attempt to use the shower because it still isn’t fixed and I’m struggling to engage with the exercise. 
 

I can’t touch myself, I’m scared of my mouth, I’m scared to be seen unless it’s just my head, I’m terrified of my breasts. 
 

I guess that’s why I get attached to game characters, because not only are they attractive they have personalities that you learn.

my diet is going well. I don’t eat half the things I used to. I’m down to five normal sized chocolate bars a week and I’m trying to reduce that. I’m trying to reduce what I eat even further but then I get depressed 

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I wish I lived nearer to you lady.  I'd be round there in a flash.

So why are you bed bound?  I know it might seem a tough thing to say.....but you can get out of that bed and change that.  How's about making that decision as your first goal?

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On 08/06/2020 at 01:26, Handy said:

Now for something completely new.  Do you agree with any of these?

Avoids occupational activities involving significant interpersonal contact, due to fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of acceptance

Shows restraint within intimate relationships due to fears of shame or ridicule

Preoccupied with fears of receiving criticism or rejection in social situations

Inhibited in new interpersonal situations due to feelings of inadequacy

Considers self as inferior to others, socially inept, or personally unappealing

Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

No idea, never had an occupation 

I’m always nervous when talking to people at first in case they don’t like me And I worry people don’t like me, that bothers me a lot

Intimate regards romance which I have no experience with

Ot makes me nervous but I don’t have social situations, so I can’t tell

Sont have interpersonal situations 

Personally unappealing, always, socially inept I actually am and inferior sometimes

To a point but also because I’m scared 

 

I can’t get out the bed because I’ve no where else to go. The sofa is broke and no longer takes my weight. I haven’t gained but the sofa legs are in bad condition, I sat on the arm. 
 

Im scared and that’s why I lack personal care but also because I find it hard to engage with it. My whole purpose in life for ten years and more was not to make waves, not to be complicated, we didn’t have hot water so we couldn’t bathe regularly and I was never made to have a bath as a child, I regret terribly the lack of discipline I received as a child. Asking to wash always seemed like I would be causing a fuss. Sitting in one spot and making as less fuss as possible always seemed to be my roll, at least to me and I’m so used to it, it is like trying not to exist because that might cause issues.

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