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Why is it ocd always wins? What is it like a tug of war between my rational brain and ocd. Why is it that I have a feeling that I have done something so taboo and when I tell myself I haven't the rational side of my brain looses to the ocd? Why cant I breath a sigh of relief and now for certain I haven't done nothing wrong? Is this even ocd? Am I pretending it's ocd to make it less terrible? Why can't my rational brain win and when it does why does ocd keep creeping back? My life was brilliant before I had this "thought" now I'm just living each day thinking of the worst possible scenarios and what's going to happen to me if what the ocd telling me that it's true. Why do I get upset and depressed when I think of happy things to come in the future? Why can't do I get upset when I see my child happy? Why do I have this feeling that it's all going to be taken away from me? How come a bad thought makes you believe you have done what it says you have done without any memory of it? 

Is this OCD? 

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But why am I convinced this is not ocd and that I am guilty of something that I have no memory of? I have the intense feelings of a guilty man for the past 9 months. Not a hour goes by where I don't go over and over trying to remeber something that's possibly not there. The more I try and remember I'm afraid my mind will place something there and then I won't know what to believe. 

I got a pretty good memory and sure I'd remember something doing something such taboo. I can't even believe I'm thinking that I have done this horrible thing. I would never do such thing! This is so horrible. I just need certeintly that I haven't done anything wrong so I can move on with my life. I feel trapped in this bubble and it doesn't look like I'm going to get out. Im sorry to go on but I find coming here give me some relief. I know that reassurance but sometime I feel I need it. If I have no memory of it then can it be true? 

What hurts the most is my thoughts telling what's going to happen now. The worst possible outcome, loosing everything and everyone. Ruining my repetition all because this horrible thought has got a hold on me. Does OCD do this? How come a single thought changed who I am, how come it's taken over my life and makes we worry in fear and extreme anxiety everyday. 

 

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The reason you are in a bad way is because you have spent the past nine months trying to remember, ruminsying and trying to disprove the thought. Those are compulsions and they are causing you to be stuck.

Did you ever consider the possibility that you can walk away from the thought, leave it alone and not figure anything out? 

Because, I'll tell you, those nine months will turn into nine years if you stay on the same path.

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I know exactly what you are going through, I am dealing with a particularly bad spike that's had me obsessing for the past 3 months that I've done something I know deep down I haven't. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat ?

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Thank you SnowFairy and Polarbear. 

Mine thought was actually triggered by an event that had a connection to the thought but my mind has turned it into something more sinister and made me question everything. I just can't get my head around why I can't let this go. When people say you need to let it go it frustrates me as I wish I could but I got this horrible feeling of letting it go and then it being true. 

I know I haven't done nothing wrong but the emotions and feelings are there if I have, but no memory of it if that makes sense. 

Sometimes I just give in and say okay I've done this horrible thing as I'm tired of racking my brain trying to find something. 

It's so horrible. 

Because I've never experienced something like this before all of a sudden I have a thought that this isn't OCD and must be real. I just wish I could have that sigh of relief and have confirmation that I have done nothing wrong but I feel then thoughts come up with "what if"? 

Also feel free to pm if you want to chat. 

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The goal of all OCD sufferers is the search for certainty. That's why you do compulsions, to be certain about something. But it's a trap. I call it the OCD trap. Because no matter how hard you try, you will never be 100% certain. OCD will always throw in doubt and off you go again, looking for certainty. There are people on this forum who have  een stuck in this way for years or decades.

But there is a way out. Give up the search for certainty. Be okay with not knowing for sure. You slow down and stop doing compulsions and rhose awful intrusive thoughts lose their power.

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The thing is though I know what started mine off and when. I remember the day it happened and all of a sudden this feeling of fear and guilt came over me. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time so I googled it and came to the conclusion it was ocd related. 

I've alway had ocd like the checking of gas lights, etc. It was really bad as a child but I've managed it. I've never experienced this before. 

I feel I can't accept the thought of me doing what it says I've done as its too much to handle and just not right. 

So is catastrophizing the future based on a thought normal with ocd? 

I feel if I found 100% certainly I would be okay but I can't. Sometimes I feel like handing myself into a police station and beg them to tell what I have done. I know this sounds wrong but I just can't understand why I've got all these feelings of guilt that I have done something and no memory of it. I then tell myself "well its not normal to have these feelings for no reason" then the panic sets in. This is torture. 

 

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2 hours ago, Doubt_It said:

don’t know you or what you have or haven’t done, so I can’t give you certainty (or would I, as that wouldn’t do you any favours in the long run).

Hello, 

This scares the living hell out of me when you say this as I haven't done anything but got all the feelings as if I had. Surely something so taboo you would remember but I have nothing - just a thought. 

I begin to to doubt its ocd because this thought stemed from a real situation. I'm not sure if you aware of my story but long story short I saw this girl, checked her out from behind then realised she was definitely under the age of consent. I don't know this person but I couod just tell. All of a sudden I was questioning who I was thoughts saying I was a P.  Then straight after that I Google if a well known porn site (PH) was legal for whatever reason I really don't know. This bothers me as I'm trying to remember why I did this. This was so embarrassing to talk about at first but I've come to the point where I need to explain every little detail to people. Anyway when I googled this a Wikipedia page came up explaining about PH and then there was a reference page with the word CP. I froze and my heart sunck. I quickly deleted my search history and panicked. Seeing that word in my phone scared the life out of me. I though about this all weekend and then when it turned for the worse was when I woke up in the middle of the night, thought about that girl I checked out and then had a massive panic attack. Since that night I haven't been the same. Could it be the panic attack along with ocd have mixed terribly and now I'm stuck on this worry and anxiety for the past 9 months. It's like something in my brain has switched and I'm latched to this horrible feeling I've done wrong. The exact thought I have playing around in my head for the past 9 months is that I've access/seen something online relating to that and I'm latched to it even though there is no memory of what it actually is. I'm guessing it was becssue of the girl and seeing the word CP. 

When I saw that girl and that page I was feeling dreadful, guilty and upset but I wasn't in this state of mind until after the panic attack. It was my first ever attack and hopefully my last. 

It's now gone from those things to being arrested and loosing everything and I don't even know what for. I'm constantly checking my phone for anything of that sort, been looking at vodafones policy and procedures on filtering content like that.

I've mapped out on my wall the days leading up to the event when this all happened. I've got times of photos I took and times of phone calls from all sources. I done this because I wanted to know where I was and what I was doing trying to piece together a timefeame and to prove I'd have no time to do something like that. This sounds terrible but it made me feel a little better but there were times where I can't remember. 

I really don't know why but its coming up to a year now and for some reason I'm thinking once this year has passed since the event then I'm okay because surely the police would have got me by now. Its horrible I'm thinking this way but it gives me some reassurance for all the wrong reasons. I feel dreadful even thinking this way as basically I'm telling myself I'm guilty. 

So there you have it. What I will say is when this happened I told my partner, family, doctor and employer everything. It was the most embarrassing and upsetting thing to talk about but I just had too. It was a relief to speak about it and for them all to understand. I worried about being judged. 

I'm on medication and awaiting cbt. I've attended mindfulness classes but found it was just masking it and not helping. 

I find I'm testing my memory asking trying to remember an actual event in my life that happened say months or years ago and I can remeber them and discuss them in detail. I got a pretty good memory. Then I say "remeber that time you went online and seen bad stuff" there's nothing there at all. 

I really, really hope this is ocd related as I could not live with myself if it were true. 

Sorry for the long post and for any spelling/grammar mistakes as I was writing this fast. 

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Hello Again, 

Just want to ask a question about how I'm feeling and if this is related to ocd. 

So basically I feel as if I've done something so wrong/seen something online. I have no memory of this and no evidence not to mention I never would but I have these extreme feelings of fear and worry that I'm going to loose everything and everyone. It breaks me and there are day I feel I can't cope. 

Moving on I find myself everyday looking at my local newspaper and looking at stories about P being caught and what they have done. I'm looking for the details of when they were caught to now (time frame) and relating it back to me. I can not believe im doing this as it makes me feel guilty but I find a little reassurance when I see someone was caught then a few months (short time) later they were sentence. What my mind is telling me then is "well its been nearly a year now for me since I had this thought I'd seen/done something online and no police" again this makes me feel so guilty but it's the only way I find the worry subsides a little bit then it comes back a day or two later. Then I will see another news story that someone did the same thing but back in 2018 and then I go back into my frenzy of worry as this took a while until now and that could be the same as my fate. So regardless its been nearly a year since this all started my mind is telling me that it could happen in year 2.

Based on what I read my mind then explains the process of what the police are doing, (getting information before they come and get me etc). Basically my mind thinks it knows the process of what actually happens behind the screens with the police and makes up the process. I have no idea what happens in these situations but I believe my thoughts as if they are true. Im believing my own thoughts when I have no idea how it actually works. 

There are days when I say to myself this is ridiculous and get a grip. You haven't done or seen anything taboo online as you would know you have but then when I see articles of real P being caught it frightens the living daylights out of me. People say this taboo stuff is on the dark web whatever that is and I havent got a clue and this gives me a little reassurance knowing this but again it doesn't last long. I feel I need to know for certain that I have not done or seen something. I can't believe I'm saying that but I'm filled with doubt. 

I'm stuck in all this worry and panic and my mind/doubt convinces me that I might have done something on my phone and just can't remember it. 

Can anybody relate to this? Does ocd do things like this. Please be honest as like I've mentioned before sometimes I feeling my mind is using ocd as an excuse. I would love to hear if anyone has experienced similar to my story because I feel if I'm the only one then it can not be ocd. 

Thanks in advance 

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Why am I thinking like a guilty man, and why am I feeling like this. My thinking pattern above is this normal? I've even thought about being at the police station, what my cell would be like what life would be like after prison. Why am I thinking these things when I know I haven't done anything wrong. I seen the word CP on a wilapidia page freaked out and now it's making me belive that I'm the worst of the worst and making up all sorts of things that I could have possibly done but can't remember. 

I'm so exhausted 

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Hello, 

Anybody? 

My post above from the 16th June? It's concerning me as I'm not sure whether this is a behaviour of ocd or that I am a guilt man and hiding something, something that I done even now what it is only a thought that I have if that makes sense. 

I understand this is reassurance seeking but I just need to know if what I explained about is "normal" or not with the ocd brain 

Someone please. 

And please be honest. 

Thank you 

Chris 

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You say you need to be certain. That is a hallmark of OCD. It wants you to be certain. And that's why you do compulsions, to gain certainty. But here's a truth... no matter how hard you work on compulsions, you will never be certain. 

It's the OCD trap. It's why sufferers get stuck on one thought for years or even decades.

Let it go. Get on with your life. Work on slowing down and stopping your compulsions. 

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On 16/06/2020 at 12:56, Chris2020 said:

Moving on I find myself everyday looking at my local newspaper and looking at stories about P being caught and what they have done. I'm looking for the details of when they were caught to now (time frame) and relating it back to me. I can not believe im doing this as it makes me feel guilty but I find a little reassurance when I see someone was caught then a few months (short time) later they were sentence. What my mind is telling me then is "well its been nearly a year now for me since I had this thought I'd seen/done something online and no police" again this makes me feel so guilty but it's the only way I find the worry subsides a little bit then it comes back a day or two later. Then I will see another news story that someone did the same thing but back in 2018 and then I go back into my frenzy of worry as this took a while until now and that could be the same as my fate. So regardless its been nearly a year since this all started my mind is telling me that it could happen in year 2.

Based on what I read my mind then explains the process of what the police are doing, (getting information before they come and get me etc). Basically my mind thinks it knows the process of what actually happens behind the screens with the police and makes up the process. I have no idea what happens in these situations but I believe my thoughts as if they are true. Im believing my own thoughts when I have no idea how it actually works. 

There are days when I say to myself this is ridiculous and get a grip. You haven't done or seen anything taboo online as you would know you have but then when I see articles of real P being caught it frightens the living daylights out of me. People say this taboo stuff is on the dark web whatever that is and I havent got a clue and this gives me a little reassurance knowing this but again it doesn't last long. I feel I need to know for certain that I have not done or seen something. I can't believe I'm saying that but I'm filled with doubt. 

I'm stuck in all this worry and panic and my mind/doubt convinces me that I might have done something on my phone and just can't remember it.

But what about my behaviour above? Why am I thinking this way as if I was a guilty man? 

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It's a combination of intrusive thoughts and compulsions. Sitting there thinking what the police would do, etc. is a compulsion... something you can learn to stop.

Edited by PolarBear
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Compulsions don't work. They can give temporary relief, but soon enough more obsessions, doubt and anxiety arise.

You keep asking if you are normal. That's reassurance seeking and is a compulsion and why I'm not going to answer it.

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I understand where your coming from I am just curious to the way I'm thinking. I would like to know whether or not ocd can make me feel and think in this way. 

I guess I'll just have to live with not knowing. 

Thanks 

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Chris, OCD can throw any obsession imaginable at you  and quite a few you can't imagine. If you have obsessions that cause distress and you do compulsions to alleviate the distress, you have OCD.

Edited by PolarBear
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So my way of thinking about the police and how they are going to come and get me and how and when they are going to do is an obsession? This brings me extreme anxiety.

This obsession has progressed from my first initial thought that I have done something so bad to knowing what my fate will be. I seem to understand and believe how and when the police will come and get me. I think this way because of what I read in newspapers relating to others that have done bad and apply it to my situation. 

Asking whether this is normal or not then is the compulsion? I must be honest if you said yes it was then I would be relieved but I know it wouldn't last long as there wouldn't be a thousand more questions. 

I hope this makes sense. 

Thank you

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