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Hi guys,

As the title says I feel quite lost as I can't understand what's really going on with me at moment. It seems that I get worse and worse as a person day by day.

It's not enough that I struggle with constant urges of harming my brother but now I also have thoughts of harming my boyfriend too, who is the best person I've met and who clearly doesn't deserve all this. I had the thought yesterday and when I woke up this morning it felt like I wanted and had to do it. I don't know myself anymore. I probably reached the lowest point; I hate myself even more now. 

The urges and sensations I get when I spend time with my brother are making me feel like the most disgusting human being ever. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what stops me from hurting him. But I'm now convinced I will. The urges are too strong. I'm really sorry.

There is an internal voice that screams at me that I don't have OCD, and if I do, I just don't want to recover, and that I absolutely enjoy having all these urges and sensations. The worst part is that I can't even say that I disagree.  

I'm due to start therapy this Friday but I can already feel it's only gonna lead to finding out that I am what I fear. There is no way out. 

I'm sorry for this nonsense but I have no one else to share this with. 

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We are all here to help and support you! 
 

I know the feelings you have atm seem to strong but I can assure you, you can get past them. I have had the same ones with my then girlfriend, now wife. I am proof that it is possible. 
 

You are bound to be nervous about Friday but it is going to be a big step to your recovery and getting your life back. 

feel free to chat anytime, we can get you through it. 

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18 hours ago, Hdigtts said:

We are all here to help and support you! 
 

I know the feelings you have atm seem to strong but I can assure you, you can get past them. I have had the same ones with my then girlfriend, now wife. I am proof that it is possible. 
 

You are bound to be nervous about Friday but it is going to be a big step to your recovery and getting your life back. 

feel free to chat anytime, we can get you through it. 

Thank you so much for your support, @Hdigtts! I appreciate it so, so much!

I'm really scared, and sometimes even absolutely convinced, that I won't be able to get past these feelings. Ever. Don't get me wrong please, I do want to move on and get a chance to manage the way I react to my thoughts, sensations, urges and feelings but every day I confront with new things - some of them being weirder and more disgusting than the others. I think there are tons of things that are holding me back from taking the right steps, some of the most serious ones being:

  • not being able to forgive myself for the past mistakes, such as kissing my brother, or having any other close contact with him, right after experiencing a sexual sensation or an urge. I realise I haven't hurt him directly, as he still sees me as his lovely sister, but my head screams at me that I have abused him; and I absolutely agree with that. I should have never kissed/touched him after having a sexual reaction - to me this a serious concern, and I wish there was way for me to be punished for this. I could go to the police but I don't know if that would help. (I'm really sorry for this. I can't even believe I'm actually typing this out. I'm disgusting!) 
  • keep having horrible urges, that almost feel like desires (again, I'm really sorry!), and not being able to forgive myself for having them. 

Anyway, I'm sorry. This is another disgusting, ranting post. 

Thank you again for all your help. I hope you are well.

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Cora, you'll just have to believe me when I say your problem is everyday, run of rhe mill OCD. There is nothing shocking, deranged or disgusting about what's going on with you. Hundreds of people have said basically the same things as you, here on this forum. I've heard your story many times from others.

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Hi Cora,

polarbear is right, you need to believe us when we say it is OCD. You need to forgive yourself for what you perceive to be mistakes. You need to be strong and try and draw a line under it. 
 

we all know that you can do it :)

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Cora, none of the things you have listed here are mistakes. In fact your only mistakes are thinking that you have done something wrong and thinking you have to avoid kissing/hugging your brother when you have these thoughts. You are just giving the thoughts more power over you. 

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Hi,

I know just yesterday I said I would try and work with my OCD but something horrible happened last night, and I just can't keep it to myself; it's too much, I have reached a new level of disgust. I know I always apologise for the details I usually post but this time I mean it more than ever as it's absolutely disgusting and terrifying. 

It happened right before I went to sleep. I was in my bed when I got an urge to think/have thoughts ON PURPOSE about children. During those moments I was completely aware of what I was thinking. My thoughts were happening voluntarily. There was no anxiety; however, there was excitement and happiness, I guess. I DID want to think about the thoughts. I actually did want to. Whenever I tried to not think about them it felt like denial. The thoughts did not bring any sadness or discomfort. The feelings in my body were as close as the ones you would get when you have desired sexual fantasies. To conclude, I had fantasies about children. This is the second time this happens. Something similar happened last July. I can't believe I'm actually typing this out. I'm sorry to everyone. 

You have no idea how repulsed I feel by what I did, thought and felt. Last night I found out that I am indeed a monster. I don't know what to do from this point. I have no will to live. If I could and weren't scared I would commit suicide. That's all I want at this point. I hope I find the strength and power to do it soon. 

I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!

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It all happened voluntarily and because of this I know I don't deserve any help. Something inside me screams that this is what I want. Actually, I think that's me who is doing it but I just don't want to accept it. Not yet.
And there is also the part that if you asked me if I would do it again, I would say yes. So... 

I'm sorry!

Edited by Cora
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Hi Cora,

I'm having the same types of harm thoughts as you, and also aimed at my SO. OCD latches on to the things that mean most to you, so in our case the loves of our lives. 

This is not your fault at all. You get intrusive thoughts, the ones you don't like and want gone, automatically. There's no point trying to control that. What you can do next is control what you then do about them. 

Contrary to your OCD tyrant, there are no rules regarding what thoughts people should be thinking. This policing of your thoughts actually makes the situation worse. They are not intentions, deep down desires, fantasies. They are thoughts. Bits of mental fluff which a lot of us here have attached undesirable meanings too. It takes a little bravery, but if you don't interact with the thoughts and leave them, overtime your anxiety will reduce. This takes practice, and eventually you become unbothered by them.

To summarise, it's your reaction to the thoughts that is the problem, not the thoughts themselves!

If you speak to a mental health professional and reveal your thoughts, I guarantee they will not bat an eyelid, they've heard it all before and are trained to help people who are willing to accept help. 

In the mean time, look into getting some self help books. They will outline what to do to help, and the common intrusive thoughts sufferers get. 

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To add, you can get better! You're having a bad day/time of it, but there's no need to do something drastic. Think of this as the lowest point, you can get back to yourself with work and perseverance. 

This condition is at worst manageable, and can be beaten entirely, so don't give up on yourself!!

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Thank you so much for your reply, @Imhotep. I really appreciate your help and advice!

The problem is that in my case the thoughts happened voluntarily. It was more like a fantasy. I don't know how to get over this. (Only if I should at all.) I wanted to talk about this with my boyfriend but I was too ashamed and felt so guilty that I couldn't do it.
Today, more than ever, I hate myself and I wish there was a way for me to disappear and never come back. I know it sounds cheap but living is a pain right now.
Also, I know I said I don't deserve any help because the thoughts happened on purpose but I really would like to know your opinions, no matter how honest they are. 

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Hey Cora,

I think you have to understand that having thoughts isn't a bad thing, even if the content of the thoughts is bad. This has been on your mind for months now, it's not a surprise that you would think about it voluntarily at some point. I think it must be you trying to test yourself, maybe to see how it feels or if you would get anxious. That is actually quite normal in your situation. You say you didn't feel anxious but look at you now, just because you didn't feel it in the very moment doesn't mean anything. You absolutely should get over this, it is absolute OCD nonsense. 

You have a therapy session on Friday right? I think it may help you to try to come up with a plan with your therapist. I think it's great that you decided to try and move on from all this, but deciding is only the first step. In order to move on you need structure, achievable goals and exercises that you can work on. I hope it goes well!

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Just like others have said, this is no different :)

You are judging thoughts far too highly. You are latching on to the thoughts that disgust you and only concentrating on them. There’s no need to. Thinking something is not the same as doing it. 
 

the fact that we want to help must show you that you are not a horrible person :)

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much for your reply, @Imhotep. I really appreciate your help and advice!

The problem is that in my case the thoughts happened voluntarily. It was more like a fantasy. I don't know how to get over this. (Only if I should at all.) I wanted to talk about this with my boyfriend but I was too ashamed and felt so guilty that I couldn't do it.
Today, more than ever, I hate myself and I wish there was a way for me to disappear and never come back. I know it sounds cheap but living is a pain right now.
Also, I know I said I don't deserve any help because the thoughts happened on purpose but I really would like to know your opinions, no matter how honest they are. 

Hating yourself isn't going to help. Forgive yourself for the thoughts you've been having, your guilt is testament to that. One of the most important things to be aware of is that you are not your thoughts. 

Whether you feel you deserve help, your guilt and shame suggest that you should be less critical of yourself. I just want to reiterate, a therapist will be able to help if you're willing to accept the help. From there, they will offer non judgemental solutions to your problem. 

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18 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I think you have to understand that having thoughts isn't a bad thing, even if the content of the thoughts is bad. This has been on your mind for months now, it's not a surprise that you would think about it voluntarily at some point. I think it must be you trying to test yourself, maybe to see how it feels or if you would get anxious. That is actually quite normal in your situation. You say you didn't feel anxious but look at you now, just because you didn't feel it in the very moment doesn't mean anything. You absolutely should get over this, it is absolute OCD nonsense. 

You have a therapy session on Friday right? I think it may help you to try to come up with a plan with your therapist. I think it's great that you decided to try and move on from all this, but deciding is only the first step. In order to move on you need structure, achievable goals and exercises that you can work on. I hope it goes well!

Thank you so much for your reply, @malina.

I think you are right. I think I was trying to test myself. Something clicked in my brain when you said it. I hope it's not me being in denial but I do have a vague memory of me trying to test myself, as I do it quite often. 

Thank you again! I really appreciate your help! 

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17 hours ago, Doubt_It said:

Hey, just to back up @malina’s comment. Whether you remember feeling anxious or not at the time, you certainly feel anxious now! There’s nothing pleasant or voluntary about the disgust, guilt and pressure you’re feeling. I’ve been there, I am there! Please be brave and embrace the therapy, I was terrified too first time I had it, honestly thought I’d be leaving in handcuffs! But these people have heard it all, and much worse, before, they’ll help you through ?

Thank you so much for your support! It helps a lot! 

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16 hours ago, Hdigtts said:

Just like others have said, this is no different :)

You are judging thoughts far too highly. You are latching on to the thoughts that disgust you and only concentrating on them. There’s no need to. Thinking something is not the same as doing it. 
 

the fact that we want to help must show you that you are not a horrible person :)

Thank you, @Hdigtts

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16 hours ago, Imhotep said:

Hating yourself isn't going to help. Forgive yourself for the thoughts you've been having, your guilt is testament to that. One of the most important things to be aware of is that you are not your thoughts. 

Whether you feel you deserve help, your guilt and shame suggest that you should be less critical of yourself. I just want to reiterate, a therapist will be able to help if you're willing to accept the help. From there, they will offer non judgemental solutions to your problem. 

Thank you, @Imhotep

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