I feel like an absolutely horrible person (POCD yet again)

[j00]

Sorry I keep posting so much POCD. It just keeps bothering me so much and I tend to feel better when I post about it. Before I go into it I’d just like to say that it’s gross and disturbing, I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. So here goes. I made this weird face, I don’t know how to explain it, I opened my mouth just because why not (I know I’m weird) and then I had a really bad thought and now I forget if I had it after or before I did the action because it relates to the mouth opening thing, it’s really horrible because the thought was “oh pretend you’re doing this to a kid” (I’m sure we all get it. I’m so sorry my thoughts are so disturbing. I hate them and find them gross too and I feel like a bad person for having them.) and then the mouth thing happened, but I’m again not sure if it happened after the mouth thing. And then if it happened before then that means it was intentional and I did something so disturbing. Should I just let this go? It’s very difficult I’ve been trying to let go of it but now I feel like an absolutely horrible person for this. Sorry everyone, thank-you so much for reading.

Edited June 8, 2020 by j00

[Caramoole]

Hi J

I'm sorry to see you struggling..it's tough isn't it?  I'm guessing you've had a diagnosis (or recognition) you have OCD.  Right now you're carrying out a compulsion. , Reassurance  seeking, something you do to try & bring your anxiety down.  I know it seems a sensible thing to do but sadly, it has the opposite effect.  When those doubts & questions spring up in your mind you want answers, you will ruminate (think) in order to try & work it out.  Wrong solution.  As difficult as it is, you've to try really hard not to enter that internal conversation, that debate, that appraisal.  I know it's hard but checking and resisting that rumination is the way forward, no matter what the content of your thoughts.

You're not a horrible person, you're someone suffering from the horrors of OCD thoughts.  Quite different

 

[j00]

On 08/06/2020 at 17:27, Caramoole said:

Hi J

I'm sorry to see you struggling..it's tough isn't it?  I'm guessing you've had a diagnosis (or recognition) you have OCD.  Right now you're carrying out a compulsion. , Reassurance  seeking, something you do to try & bring your anxiety down.  I know it seems a sensible thing to do but sadly, it has the opposite effect.  When those doubts & questions spring up in your mind you want answers, you will ruminate (think) in order to try & work it out.  Wrong solution.  As difficult as it is, you've to try really hard not to enter that internal conversation, that debate, that appraisal.  I know it's hard but checking and resisting that rumination is the way forward, no matter what the content of your thoughts.

You're not a horrible person, you're someone suffering from the horrors of OCD thoughts.  Quite different

 

Thank-you for your help. I know seeking reassurance is bad but I just struggle so much that I don’t know what to do or I feel like it’ll destroy me on the inside. Stuff like that keeps happening to me and I remind myself of what I bad person I am for it.. I just feel horrible. It happened again today and it felt like I did it intentionally but then I don’t remember.. ugh it’s just an endless cycle. Anyway, I’ll try to stop seeking reassurance. It’ll be hard, and I know some days I’ll give in. Thank-you again for your help I appreciate it.