I’m confused and upset and don’t actually know what I actually think anymore

[Chels]

So Iv suffered with OCD for as long as I can remember and every ‘type’.

I have been in a relationship since the beginning of this year, but been seeing this guy since approximately November 2019. As soon as I laid eyes on him I fancied him (he wasn’t my usual type-at all but I was really attracted to him) we chatted and met up then finally got together, I was the happiest Iv ever been and everyone around me noticed. When lockdown began he moved into mine to isolate with me so we’ve practically ‘moved in together’. It’s been hard my OCD has started taking over again and my head is all over. He doesn’t fully understand/believe in OCD although he has sort of tried. Iv recently thought all sorts, from whether or not I’m attracted to him, comparing him, if he’s my type, some little things he does are annoying me sometimes I don’t want smothered with kisses. For the last few weeks I haven’t AT ALL felt aroused or wanted to have sex, when we have had send it’s been great Iv loved it but haven’t actually felt the urge. It’s horrible and now he thinks I should just admit to myself it isn’t working ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this 6 months in’ he feels like I’m sending mixed signals and I need to make up my mind. I feel numb I feel like I don’t even know anymore. I love this man, we laugh together and already have some amazing memories. I find him attractive, yes he isn’t my usual type and the morning breath and hair does send my OCD over the edge but I would never hurt him and he’s probably the best most genuine boyfriend I have had. I’m so scared, I don’t want this to be real and me to lead him on. I just want to know what is real, we used to have sex constantly and now I just don’t feel like it at all, Iv lost all urges I just don’t know what this is I’m not looking for reassurance but how do I know? I am so confused and upset  

[Chels]

Really wish someone would reply

[Gerard]

Hi Chels,

I really relate to your post. My relationship is the prime target for my OCD and it’s dreadful, isn’t it?

My heart goes out to you, Chels.

I’ve had this exact stuff for years and years and I love my wife to the power of everything. That’s why the OCD attacks it.

For me, the way forward was, and is, not to discuss this with my wife. It’s seeking reassurance and makes things worse. Also, 5 minutes after I’ve “confessed” my thoughts to her and she’s reassured me, more thoughts will intrude and I’ll want reassurance again. It’s a bottomless pit and not the solution.

The solution is not to fight the thoughts and just sit with them.

The thoughts are completely meaningless.

So stick to that and, if you want to share your pain, come to this site for support.

Are you getting CBT?

sending you peace, love and support,

Gerard

 

[Lost in Thought]

Hi Chels,

I'm married and still struggle with thought if I fancy my wife or not and if I want to stay with her, but I don't know if its what I really think/want if its the my mental illness 'talking'.

Stay strong

D

[Lost in Thought]

Yep, well only had a handful of relationships, and most the time I'm worrying if I should stay or if I should be out having more fun to make up for the past when I feel I missed out.

[dksea]

On 12/06/2020 at 06:19, Chels said:

I’m so scared, I don’t want this to be real and me to lead him on. I just want to know what is real, we used to have sex constantly and now I just don’t feel like it at all, Iv lost all urges I just don’t know what this is I’m not looking for reassurance but how do I know? I am so confused and upset  

Hi @Chels, sorry you are having such a hard time right now.  Its been a few days since you posted this so maybe things have changed since then but I thought I'd offer some thoughts.

Its understandable given all the upheaval in the world right now that you are feeling increased stress, and thus having more problems with your OCD, so its good to keep that in mind regardless of anything else.  Add moving in with someone who you are in a relatively new relationship with to that, its not at all surprising you are having some anxieties and doubts.

Media, such as movies, tv, books, often give us an idealized image of romantic relationships, but the reality is that you probably aren't going to always be interested in sex, you probably aren't always going to love everything about your partner.  A long term relationship isn't just enjoying the fun times, its committing to be with someone through the normal times, the boring times, even the bad times too.  Finding things annoying about a person doesn't mean you don't care for them.  Not wanting to have sex with them all the time doesn't mean its over.  I think you are probably setting some high expectations for how love and relationships are SUPPOSED to work (possibly with OCD interfering in those expectations) and that is causing you stress by not living up to them.  In turn thats causing you stress and the stress is making you less romantically inclined.  Its a vicious cycle.  My recommendation is to try and be aware of the expectations you are setting and recognize when they are unrealistic or exaggerated.  Try (its hard but try) to spend less time and energy analyzing everything and just enjoy the experience.

And yes, its possible this relationship will end.  That may be disappointing and sad, but its also part of life. We all travel different paths in life, sometimes we travel them together with a person for a short time, other times its for a long time.  It would be great if this ends up being a long term path for you, but if its not, it can still be worthwhile and enjoyable. 

[Chels]

On 13/06/2020 at 20:11, Gerard said:

sending you peace, love and support

Thank you so much @Gerard. I appreciate you taking your time to reply. I am not getting CBT at the moment but have had it previously on two occasions. It did have but seem to relapse when in new relationships or in a relationship at all. 

[Chels]

On 13/06/2020 at 22:11, Doubt_It said:

I really hope it ebbs and you start to feel better soon

Thank you @Doubt_It appreciate your response it’s such a difficult time for me at the moment. It’s sort of good to hear others are going through a similar thing, and that I’m not on my own. Sort of makes me feel normal, so thank you! Sending love to you 

[Chels]

On 15/06/2020 at 20:49, Lost in Thought said:

Stay strong

@Lost in Thought sorry to hear you are suffering also, it’s awful and so scary not being totally in control or understanding your own thoughts. Sending love to you x

[Chels]

@dksea hi and thank you for your response.. I am still struggling. I love my partner regardless of all these thoughts I still want to spend time with him and we have a laugh but the sexual urge just isn’t there at all and I worry it won’t come back. As I say I do enjoy it when it does happen but it’s just worry so much. He feels I push him away because he’s so full on and loving but sometimes I just don’t want to be smothered in kisses and I think that’s normal, I’m used to being on my own and it’s different, I just want to feel that sexual feeling again but it doesn’t seem to be there! 

[dksea]

4 hours ago, Chels said:

@dksea hi and thank you for your response.. I am still struggling. I love my partner regardless of all these thoughts I still want to spend time with him and we have a laugh but the sexual urge just isn’t there at all and I worry it won’t come back. As I say I do enjoy it when it does happen but it’s just worry so much. He feels I push him away because he’s so full on and loving but sometimes I just don’t want to be smothered in kisses and I think that’s normal, I’m used to being on my own and it’s different, I just want to feel that sexual feeling again but it doesn’t seem to be there! 

It might take some time for you and he to find the right balance of affection and intimacy.  Being open and honest about how you each feel so you can understand each others wants and needs is important.  Hopefully you are able to have conversations with him about finding the right boundaries.

I appreciate how frustrating it can be to not have the same level of sexual appetite you might want, but just because things aren't where you want them to be now doesn't mean it will always be that way.  Stress can affect that, hormones, medication, etc.  Its possible that the fact you are worrying about it so much is contributing to the problem for example.  Try to focus less on the problem and it might actually help things return to normal.  Hard, I know, especially with OCD, but its kinda like the old saying "a watched pot never boils", the more you focus on it the worse it gets.  

Try to be patient with yourself, understand that right now life is far from normal, and thats going to have side effects.  Give yourself permission to not feel normal and see how things are in a little while.  Its understandable to want answers, to want normal right away, but sometimes it just takes a little while to work things out.  Hang in there!

[Charley]

On 11/06/2020 at 22:19, Chels said:

So Iv suffered with OCD for as long as I can remember and every ‘type’.

I have been in a relationship since the beginning of this year, but been seeing this guy since approximately November 2019. As soon as I laid eyes on him I fancied him (he wasn’t my usual type-at all but I was really attracted to him) we chatted and met up then finally got together, I was the happiest Iv ever been and everyone around me noticed. When lockdown began he moved into mine to isolate with me so we’ve practically ‘moved in together’. It’s been hard my OCD has started taking over again and my head is all over. He doesn’t fully understand/believe in OCD although he has sort of tried. Iv recently thought all sorts, from whether or not I’m attracted to him, comparing him, if he’s my type, some little things he does are annoying me sometimes I don’t want smothered with kisses. For the last few weeks I haven’t AT ALL felt aroused or wanted to have sex, when we have had send it’s been great Iv loved it but haven’t actually felt the urge. It’s horrible and now he thinks I should just admit to myself it isn’t working ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this 6 months in’ he feels like I’m sending mixed signals and I need to make up my mind. I feel numb I feel like I don’t even know anymore. I love this man, we laugh together and already have some amazing memories. I find him attractive, yes he isn’t my usual type and the morning breath and hair does send my OCD over the edge but I would never hurt him and he’s probably the best most genuine boyfriend I have had. I’m so scared, I don’t want this to be real and me to lead him on. I just want to know what is real, we used to have sex constantly and now I just don’t feel like it at all, Iv lost all urges I just don’t know what this is I’m not looking for reassurance but how do I know? I am so confused and upset  

Hi Chels Nice to speak to you

I just want you to know that I am in a VERY similar situation right now and my heart goes out to you. In fact as I’m writing this message, the intrusive thoughts are entering. Just got to accept them and try to move on from them I think. Like you I do not have any sexual urges very much with my partner and it’s partly because of the OCD tendencies I think, however I am pretty sure that I identify on the asexuality spectrum which is a bit of a comfort to me to know I’m not just odd! However some people just don’t want sex and that’s fine! It might be worth remembering that in future if you’re feeling in a better place but don’t have those sexual urges. Relationships can survive with little to no sex depending on what both partners want. For me I treasure more of the emotional connection and sensual attraction (cuddling, kissing, holding hands) that type of thing and to do that is also absolutely fine.. People cherish different forms of connection within a relationship (whether that’s emotional, spiritual, or physical), so perhaps just try and work out what you value the most in a relationship

 I’m not sure if you’re feeling similar, but since being in lockdown 100% of the time with my partner (we both work from home too) I feel more pressure to want sex (I’m putting the pressure on myself)  and the urges are just  never there which sets the OCD trigger. What I will say is, try not to feel pressured and take each day as it comes. Your libido may return when your mind is a calmer place, but if it’s not as strong as before; that’s fine. It’s common for people to lose some of their libido after you’ve settled down in a relationship for a while because the initial attraction and infatuation with your partner will disappear (if you look at it as though these are simply biological feelings that come and go naturally just like moods, it might make you understand that sexual urges aren’t going to be there all the time). 
 

Hang on in there lovely, we will both get through this! X