Having An Appalling Time

[Gerard]

Hello everyone,

I hope this finds you all well, happy and staying safe.

I really am having the most dreadful time at the moment.

I think it's the worst OCD episode I've had in many years. My suspicion is that it's because all of the changes of routine because of lockdown.

I get so scared of sharing what it's about in case people, even fellow-sufferers on this site, don't understand.

I want to live in the solution not the problem. I try my best but it's like I do well and then the tools go blunt.

As ever, it's intrusive thoughts that I'll turn around to my wife (who is my everything) and tell her I don't love her.

I have impossible expectations. We have been married twenty years and I know it can't be lovey-dovey all the time. I know that there are times when things are just going to be normal and that's fine.

It's like my OCD graph corresponds with my wife's mood. When she's happy, I'm happy and the OCD is at bay.

But when I feel she is in a bad space I get intrusive thoughts about our marriage not working and of turning around and telling her that I don't love her anymore.

I know it's my OCD. I try not to fight the thoughts, not to ruminate but this attack is really savage.

All I want in the whole world is not to obsess and ruminate over these thoughts and I desperately need someone to hold out a hand to me, to give me some sharpened tools. Most of the time I can do it but this episode has been terrible and I am stuck on the hamsters wheel inside my mind, fighting the thoughts and reassuring myself.

Like I said, I want to live in the solution.

Love and support to you all,

Gerard

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Gerard

i'm sorry you're having such an awful time.  When OCD strikes like this it really is the pits. 

Although I haven't experienced this exact same thing, I have had similar with my ex partner, whose demeanour I monitored closely and felt it determined whether I could relax or not.  

As I'm sure you know it isn't a healthy way to be, for you or your wife.  

Have you had CBT in the past for this? If so could you revisit what you've learned, and if not could you look into it?

It sounds like the main way you are fighting your OCD is to try and not engage with rumination.  This is a very important part of the picture but it isn't the whole picture.  

So say you turn round and you tell your wife you don't love her, and your marriage ends as a result.

What is it that scares you about this? Obviously it would scare anyone, but what is it specifically that scares you? I think getting a handle on this is a big part of getting down to your core fear around this.  

So as an example, with my ex-partner my main fear was that if she was annoyed with me it meant I was a bad person - this was my big fear, that I was bad, immoral, evil even, and she was my gauge of that.  So once I established that, I could do little exposures which targeted my fear of being bad - eg. tell a little fib at work, or a myriad of other things which I ranged in order of how much anxiety they caused me.  Once I realised that the fear was being bad, I could find lots of different ways to target that using exposure.

Your fear might be different - but it's worth thinking about imo. 

There's also the cognitive side.  There are so many aspects you could look at with this, and it's worth getting a CBT book.  But as an example - there are a number of potential cognitive distortions going on here.  One of which that jumps out is black-and-white thinking.  Your marriage is either perfect or it means you don't love each other. No in between. This is very extreme, unrealistic thinking.  I'm sure you know that logically, but don't feel it deep down.  Also - it seems like there is a fear of losing control, i.e. you will do something you don't want to do (tell your wife you don't love her.) This sounds not dissimilar to people who fear they will freak out and stab someone or whatever.  Everyone has thoughts like this (whether they have OCD or not) but people with OCD treat them as serious. Could you do an exposure round this i.e. say something to your wife that is a little hurtful, or a little unfair or a little untrue or whatever, just enough to nudge your anxiety in this direction but without going all the way to the nuclear option.  

also - are there other compulsions you're doing aside from ruminating? Do you ask your wife for reassurance (either overtly or subtly)? Do you ever google anything eg "what makes a good marriage" or whatever? Do you say nice things to her with the express purpose of keeping her in a positive mood so you can relax? OCD can be so sneaky and so many compulsions can needle their way in.

They're just a few of my thoughts - hope some of them help or at least make some sense!

be kind to yourself - this is a tough time for anyone let alone with OCD thrown in the mix. 

GBG x

[Gerard]

GingerBreadGirl I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you for your response.

It is wonderful of you to take out time to help me and everything you say hits the nail on the head.

Yes, aside from ruminating, I have the "Telling my wife I love her the whole time" compulsion.

I have had CBT but I think it's pretty clear that I must pluck up my courage and get some more.

I send all the gratitude in the world, GBG, and only hope I can help you one day as you have helped me.

Love,

Gx

[Lost in Thought]

Hi Gerard,

I understand you my friend. I am married, but question if I love am attracted to my wife, and if I want to stay with her.

I also get stuck on the thought you only live once and if I should be out there making the most of it instead of 'stuck' in domesticity with a house and children. 

Don't know if this is just a mid life crisis, the OCD or what. Isn't it hard to know if these are real thoughts or the illness 'talking?' 

Sometimes I think of leaving but I don't because of the kids and I don't want to lose them. 

 

[Gerard]

Don't fight the thoughts "Lost In Thought".

They're just thoughts and completely meaningless. If you liked them you wouldn't be here.

OCD attacks what we most treasure. It gives us the thoights we most fear to have.

I am going to get some more CBT and review my meds.

What treatment have you had? Also, I am finding exercise to be excellent.

Love,

Gx

[Lost in Thought]

I think the worry about missing out on my youth and making up for it is the OCD but anyway it’s not a good enough reason to leave. 

However the are ‘real’ issues too that get me sad, upset and angry. But I end up blaming myself and think I’m being over sensitive due to my low self esteem. 

I  feel relieved about the thought of leaving the family home but I don’t know if its what I really want or my depression telling me to isolate myself. 

I don’t know if I could leave anyway with children involved and if I could cope without seeing them. 

Edited June 17, 2020 by Lost in Thought

[Con]

Hi Gerald/ all

I've never been on one of these forums before so I hope I'm not doing this wrong. I saw your post and although it's selfish I felt comfort in the fact that I don't seem to be the only one struggling. I too feel like my partners mood has an effect on the OCD as I blame myself for not doing my rituals properly and thus have caused it. 

What CBT do you find works? 

C

[Lost in Thought]

Hi Con, 

Welcome to the forum! 

It is good to know you are not alone and others have the same thoughts. 

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Lost in Thought

[Lost in Thought]

I forgot to say, one thing I’ve tried is writing down my worst fear/ the worst case scenario and then read it over and over and over and over again in my head to deliberately trigger myself until I get ‘used’ to it 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Lost in Thought