I've messed up so badly.

[Cub]

Hi everyone

I'm really sorry. I've messed up and I've let you all down.

I've been struggling with a lot of stuff recently, OCD-wise. I have to go back a bit and explain everything, so bear with me.

Back in March, I was triggered by some stuff I read online re. the church and sexuality and got very upset as it was a massive shock to the system. After a month of struggling and comparing different points of view, I consulted a friend of mine from Uni who is gay and a vicar and he gave me some advice but for some reason - maybe because my CBT started the next day, I don't know - I still struggled. I'm worried that I 'wanted' something to worry about but I just still had so many questions and wondered why some people thought differently and just felt the compulsive urge to go back and ensure I still disagreed with it all, and that I hadn't missed something; it was all still there and I couldn't leave it alone and things got worse and worse - I started asking more people for help and reassurance, trying to understand and ended up messaging a whole group of people for advice and it all just got completely out of control because of my own stupidity. I was waking up every day with a sense of dread and researching the topic more and more and just getting really confused and upset; I just couldn't seem to move forward and wondered if God was asking me not to be an ally, but to go in the other direction and be conservative, because I couldn't understand why all this was happening. It's only now that I've had some meds, and looked at Mark Freeman's work that I'm starting to understand why I was doing the things I was doing. 

Now, three months after this nonsense started, I've gone back to look at the advice my friend gave me in the first place and it makes perfect sense. I'm feeling shaken and stupid and like there's something wrong with me and I deserve to die. I'm terrified that I've deliberately made things difficult for myself and I don't think I deserve to be happy. I've just been so unhappy and confused for weeks because the more I found out, the more confused I got and I just feel like I deserve punishment.

I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so, so sorry for letting you all down and if this has hurt anyone's feelings. I'm so sorry. And now I'm frightened because I'm terrified I'm going to sabotage things with a thought or a proclamation, or a promise that I don't want to but have to keep - because I feel like I 'want' something to be wrong so I can worry about it? I'm so terrified I'm going to keep doing that. I just feel like I deserve to die; I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a long time and I feel like a burden to my family. I'm frightened that I'm going to self-sabotage and then there won't be any way out and that I should die. I'm so, so terrified. 

I'm sorry, everybody. I'm so sorry.

C. 

[Charley]

Hi Cub, 

I just want to begin by saying you have nothing to apologise for! OCD is such a horrible, mentally exhausting disease that for many can bring about varying types of intrusive thoughts associated with different themes. OCD as I’m sure you’re aware works as a sort of control mechanism. It acts to “protect” you if you like, which is a default in our brain which we try to rewire and re -programme over time. I believe this is why you say you ‘wanted something to worry about’. For me too, I worried incessantly all my life because to not worry makes me think that I’m not in control of my life which is counter productive! 
Have you tried any mindfulness exercises at all? There are lots of different examples of these online which may really help calm your mind and ground you in the present moment. 

I’m so sorry you feel so down and have had suicidal thoughts. I’d like to tell you that your life is precious and that you do not deserve to die! 

It may take a while, but I’m sure with some perseverance, patience and self compassion you will reach a much calmer place in your life. 

Stay strong Cub! Try and have faith

1 hour ago, Cub said:

Hi everyone

I'm really sorry. I've messed up and I've let you all down.

I've been struggling with a lot of stuff recently, OCD-wise. I have to go back a bit and explain everything, so bear with me.

Back in March, I was triggered by some stuff I read online re. the church and sexuality and got very upset as it was a massive shock to the system. After a month of struggling and comparing different points of view, I consulted a friend of mine from Uni who is gay and a vicar and he gave me some advice but for some reason - maybe because my CBT started the next day, I don't know - I still struggled. I'm worried that I 'wanted' something to worry about but I just still had so many questions and wondered why some people thought differently and just felt the compulsive urge to go back and ensure I still disagreed with it all, and that I hadn't missed something; it was all still there and I couldn't leave it alone and things got worse and worse - I started asking more people for help and reassurance, trying to understand and ended up messaging a whole group of people for advice and it all just got completely out of control because of my own stupidity. I was waking up every day with a sense of dread and researching the topic more and more and just getting really confused and upset; I just couldn't seem to move forward and wondered if God was asking me not to be an ally, but to go in the other direction and be conservative, because I couldn't understand why all this was happening. It's only now that I've had some meds, and looked at Mark Freeman's work that I'm starting to understand why I was doing the things I was doing. 

Now, three months after this nonsense started, I've gone back to look at the advice my friend gave me in the first place and it makes perfect sense. I'm feeling shaken and stupid and like there's something wrong with me and I deserve to die. I'm terrified that I've deliberately made things difficult for myself and I don't think I deserve to be happy. I've just been so unhappy and confused for weeks because the more I found out, the more confused I got and I just feel like I deserve punishment.

I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so, so sorry for letting you all down and if this has hurt anyone's feelings. I'm so sorry. And now I'm frightened because I'm terrified I'm going to sabotage things with a thought or a proclamation, or a promise that I don't want to but have to keep - because I feel like I 'want' something to be wrong so I can worry about it? I'm so terrified I'm going to keep doing that. I just feel like I deserve to die; I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a long time and I feel like a burden to my family. I'm frightened that I'm going to self-sabotage and then there won't be any way out and that I should die. I'm so, so terrified. 

I'm sorry, everybody. I'm so sorry.

C. 

 

[Lost in Thought]

No need to apologise @Cub you coping with OCD and are doing your best. No one always gets things right. We are all trying our best to cope which is all we can do 

[ThrowawayForObviousReasons]

Hello Cub,

Like others have said, you have not done anything wrong and do not need to apologize. I have also dealt with a kind if OCD like this where I over researched and constantly debated a topic, which only made the web of thoughts and arguments deeper and thicker. I do not think that you are a bad person at all, or that your thoughts about becoming conservative mean that you are a bad ally to the gay community (And I say that as a member of said community). You haven't done anything stupid or bad, OCD and anxiety can sometimes interfere with rational thought patterns, making you go around and around the same argument in your head for ages without getting anywhere. None of that is a moral flaw. You are not a burden, you are incredibly strong, and you deserve to feel happy and good about yourself and you deserve to live. I very much doubt that any thoughts of self sabotage will turn into action (I know this from experience as I've been in a similar situation before, and have never hurt anyone else or myself). 

OCD can make it feel like a small mistake or a thought is the end of the world, when in reality it is far from it. No person is perfect, and  you are not to blame for your OCD, even if you feel like you are just searching for something to worry about.

Best of luck, and keep fighting! You've got this

[Cub]

Thankyou, Throwaway  

I've been doing some thinking and I'm wondering if I am struggling from scrupulosity; I'm deeply unhappy at the moment. There's a lot of things I'm doing; combing Twitter for affirming people of faith and reaching out to them for reassurance and advice; emailing people for reassurance; asking my religious friends if I can speak to them; going to church to pray; picking a little Bible up from the shelf, scrolling to a random page - or not so random, as I've 'thumbed' some of the pages so often I land on them naturally - putting it back and then picking it up again. I keep visiting these fundamentalist websites to see if there's anything I need to take away from it and am wondering if I need to take the Bible more seriously, especially the passage on sexual ethics after discovering, much to my surprise, that there are gay Christians out there who stick to a traditional Biblical view despite their own sexuality and either marry someone of the opposite sex or remain celibate; realise how they live their lives has nothing to do with me and kudos to them for their bravery, and I know that that there are many gay Christians who don't think like that, but it's got me thinking I need to try harder in my own life and be more devoted and make more of an effort, make more sacrifices. I feel I'm being very clingy and a disappointment to everyone around me. 

I just don't feel happy anymore and rather feel as though I want to die, despite my dad rebuking me for this point of view and reminding me sharply that he loves me; to think of him, and to consider the memory of my mother who died of cancer. I told him last night that I just felt unable to carry on, and if someone told me I didn't have long left to live, I probably wouldn't be too upset about it, which upset him terribly and made him very angry; he told me my mother would never have thought like that during the course of her illness, which made me feel terrible as my Mum fought so hard to live. I feel bad for saying those things, but I just can't go on; I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything. I can't even turn on the laptop anymore because I fear giving into compulsions and revisiting those websites and not being able to focus on my writing. I feel I can't read any adult material anymore, because it's a 'temptation' and I need to have a 'purer' view of sex, according to the Bible and if I repented of it a few weeks ago - in what may have been a voice of God thing, or an OCD thing - then I'm not taking it seriously.

I can't take anything at a chilled view anymore, and feel I need to take everything seriously. I can't see any hope and am ruminating all the time; I read an article yesterday about people turning to religion during this lockdown and I don't know what to make of that - should I be more devout, try harder? Trouble is, I've been badly affected by this online stuff and it just keeps rattling around in my head. I'm even wondering about leaving my dad's house and going back to my houseshare because my anxiety is my constant companion now and I wonder if I left would the associations of anxiety fade, especially as this is the fourth time in the course of my life that I've had a prolonged OCD-anxiety period at my parent's house, and the memory of all those previous times just crawls up on me. I think my stepbrother, who lives with us, is getting impatient with me; he's been very supportive up to till now but more recently he's been telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to set myself some goals. And I'm trying, but I just feel unable to focus. 

The worst part? I'm worried even if I do get better, I'll screw it all up because I'm so used to worrying. I just think all this is happening, because there's something inside me that's wrong and I'm not making the effort to fix it; is it because I know, deep down, there are wrong things that I'm doing in my life, and I refuse to fix them because I simply don't want to? What will happen to me when I die? 

I'm tired. I'm so sorry and I'm so tired. 

C x

 

[ThrowawayForObviousReasons]

Hey again Cub,

 I don't know an awful lot about God and religion, but from my time in a Catholic school one thing that really stuck with me is that God loves all of his children, and believes in forgiveness. I don't think any intrusive thought, temptation or a lifestyle that is less devout would make God see you in a negative light. He doesn't make mistakes, and he created you the way you are, mental illness and all. And if you, as a human, make a mistake or get caught up in an obsession over a debate, I'm certain he will forgive you, and your illness and the thoughts that stem from it aren't sin, as they aren't your fault, even though you have to deal with and fight against them.

However, that doesn't mean that you don't have any agency. God also gave his children the gift of free will. You have within you the strength to fight this and get out of the situation you are currently in, but don't be too hard on yourself if you are making slow progress or just managing. You're in an incredibly stressful time, and you are dealing with a difficult disease. I think being clingy and seeking reassurance are incredibly understandable reactions, though considering the way that others feel about reassuring you is also important. 

 I think talking to a therapist if you are able would be a very good idea, if you are not already seeing one. I also think that setting some goals, like your stepbrother suggested, would be a good idea, but I also think it's a good idea to start very small and manageable until you are able to get your energy and strength up again. Engaging in self care, eating and sleeping regularly, doing the things you love like writing  , even writing a bit in notebooks if opening your laptop is difficult right now can be incredibly helpful. Taking a break from the reading and trying to reduce the affirming compulsions is a good step. Practing CBT to try and get your compulsions under control could also make a very big difference in this fight as well. 

I also very much understand the housing situation, as I'm dealing with something similar right now. Living with others while you are going through mental health difficulties is very difficult, especially if the house holds past anxious memories like you've described. I honestly think that moving out again and the independence  of being on your own might help counter some of the doubt you are facing, though it may also feel isolating and stressful, which I think depends on your personality and how you deal with stress, and if you feel you need the support of family members close by right now. That's a decision worth thinking about, and carefully considering for sure, as its a big one.

and as for the 'worst part'- OCD makes you doubt, which I think sometimes in very stressful situations can lead you to doubt yourself. I can't guarantee that you'll be better forever once you recover from this bout, but I also don't think its fair to yourself to start doubting your future decisions before they've been made. Every single person has deep rooted flaws, and parts of themselves that could use improvement. They still deserve life, and hope for the future, just as you do. You don't need to have everything in your life fixed and perfect right now. I think those concerns would be better off dealt with when you are in a better frame of mind, and less impacted by the negative emotions OCD stirs up. I think that even more so, it would be very helpful to bring up those concerns with a therapist or psychologist if you are able to talk to one.

You are not sinful, a burden, a disappointment, or doomed to repeat your past. You are a human person going through a difficult time, and you deserve a break and some compassion. Your mental illness and your obsessions are not a character flaw, or a sin, or something that you have caused by failing to 'fix' something, but there are concrete steps you can take to combat these. Things can get better, and they can stay that way too, even if you have a couple of relapses. its well worth the fight.

Best of luck Cub. Be kind to yourself. Keep on fighting 

[Cub]

Thankyou Throwaway. Again, you are incredibly kind, and I thank you for your valuable input.

I've been struggling recently because I don't know if God 'asked' me to do something a few weeks ago that I'm not sure I can deliver on. I've been very depressed recently and unable to move forward and I'm wondering; if I do this one thing, can I move forward and feel better? I wonder if God was talking to me, but it seems very black and white at the moment and I've been seeking reassurance (I know) from people. I've been advised to take a break from it and see what happens, and be compassionate with myself, but I find compassion is very, very hard to do as I feel something inside me has given up and I don't deserve to be happy, or fulfilled; I just feel like I could happily curl up and disappear. I know there's a problematic way of thinking, there, and I'm sorry. I'm just worried about sabotaging everything that I do. 

Many thanks again 

C x